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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
Savvysix1984 · 20/03/2022 18:52

Gaming is 'play', whilst not in the typical or old fashioned sense but it is how many children/ young people interact and learn about themselves and the world. 3 weeks is too long. Would you ban him from riding his bike (if that was his thing) or playing football for the same behaviour?

Daenerys77 · 20/03/2022 18:53

@PAFMO

He's 12 not 4. The wailing and tantrummimg needs to be totally ignored. Limit his screen time from now on until he earns it.
Agree. He survived before Fortnite was invented and he will survive without it for a few weeks. In the meantime, he could try reading a book.
Whatafustercluck · 20/03/2022 18:53

Could be gaming addiction. Could be melodramatic tween behaviour. Most likely a bit of both. That is a long ban OP, but I'm guessing he was warned it would happen if the behaviour continued?

I'd probably wait for him to calm down and have a conversation with him about how his behaviour impacts on you. I would also probably talk to him openly about your concerns about gaming addiction. We had something similar with 11yo ds a while back. I spoke to him about addiction and how, when your behaviour starts interfering with your normally good relationship with others perhaps making you act in a way you wouldn't normally do, it's time to cut down.

We got him involved in some more active activities, and said we'd have some family games nights (including board games) instead so he wasn't missing Fortnite as much.

Your call whether you reduce the ban, but the most important thing is to talk, and listen, to him. Maybe talk about putting in some limitations if you don't already have them.

Good luck.

ColgateGirl · 20/03/2022 18:58

What a mix of opinions on this thread.

Curious, do you thinking sending the message to a teen that all they have to do is tantrum to have things their own way would help their behaviour in the future?

If he's struggling with his emotions, there are ways to help him deal with that without going back on what you've said and creating unclear boundaries and mixed messages OP.

Good luck

WonderfulYou · 20/03/2022 18:59

Banning him for 3 weeks is completely unnecessary and over the top.
I’d be crying too and I’m a grown women!

This is his hobby.
I’m sure you have or had hobbies in the past which you enjoy and would be upset if you were banned from them for such a long time.

Just because he’s a male teen doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to show emotion. We all have times where we get overly emotional.

Ease up on the punishments. If you’re going to ban it do it for a day or 2 only.
And set limits of how much time he can spend on it each day.

NumberTheory · 20/03/2022 19:01

I wouldn't expect crying and wailing to be a sign of addiction. Furtive behaviour, anxiety, restlessness, etc. are more in keeping with withdrawal from an addiction. Crying and wailing are signs of a child not getting what they want.

At 12 a 3 week tech ban sounds like a harsh and not constructive punishment, though. So it's not that surprising he's crying and wailing.

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 19:03

Three weeks is far too long, that’s ridiculous.

Be honest, what you’re actually after here is control. Who bought him the console?

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2022 19:04

Thing is, regardless of how harsh anyone might think it is, you’ve now set the punishment @Deereemer and you can’t reverse it. You’ll lose all credibility as the parent if you backtrack. This will be a lesson he’ll never forget - which is kind of the whole point.

Haggisfish3 · 20/03/2022 19:06

I would genuinely feel this way if my phone was taken off me for three weeks!!

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 19:06

@Blossomtoes

Thing is, regardless of how harsh anyone might think it is, you’ve now set the punishment *@Deereemer* and you can’t reverse it. You’ll lose all credibility as the parent if you backtrack. This will be a lesson he’ll never forget - which is kind of the whole point.
Again, all about control and your status as a parent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying ‘I made a mistake, I was wrong’, it makes you a much better role model. Sticking to a punishment you know is unfair is shit parenting.
AtrociousCircumstance · 20/03/2022 19:07

Fortnite may have helped him get through lockdown I imagine, it’s important to him and his support group/peer group I should think?

That’s a big deal for a kid.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2022 19:08

A three week ban is ridiculous IMO.

What did he to to make you think that was what he deserved?

Twilight7777 · 20/03/2022 19:09

YABVU with a 3 week ban! that’s pure cruelty. He will realise he can’t rely on you to trust him with anything and stop coming to you

ThisisMax · 20/03/2022 19:10

@Looubylou

YABU with a 3 week ban. You have nowhere left to go in terms of dealing with behaviours in the meantime, and he will feel he has no chance to prove himself. 3 weeks will seem like a lifetime. Deal with individual episodes as they happen. Eg a days ban - gets it back if behaviour is good during that 24 hours. Rinse and repeat. Stay firm - if a Fortnite update is in those 24 hours, tough, he knows what happens when he misbehaves. Introduce strict rules re screen time, a realistic daily amount. Help him by engaging him in other things, even if it's a lot of effort from you to start with. We allow these situations to happen because it suits us in some ways until it becomes a problem. Been there 💐
Great post with good advice. You have nowhere left to go OP- use up all your cards on a big ban and you have no other optiins. What then?
Theunamedcat · 20/03/2022 19:11

The wailing is ott and it would not endear me to shorten the ban it might irritate me enough to say your clearly acting like a baby so i will treat you like one and sell the console and by dummies unless you PACK THAT NOISE IN but I also wouldn't ban for three weeks I would ban till AFTER the fortnite update comes in let him listen to his mates go on about how fantastic it all is giving him loads of spoilers then let him have it back

My teenagers tell me im quite creatively evil when they act badly

1forAll74 · 20/03/2022 19:12

I would be worried about childen getting a gaming addiction, its an increasing problem now with lots of children. Like any addiction, it will be causing issues for people, as in, they will react badly,if they can't get the things that they crave.

SunshinePie · 20/03/2022 19:13

What did he do?

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 19:13

@Theunamedcat

The wailing is ott and it would not endear me to shorten the ban it might irritate me enough to say your clearly acting like a baby so i will treat you like one and sell the console and by dummies unless you PACK THAT NOISE IN but I also wouldn't ban for three weeks I would ban till AFTER the fortnite update comes in let him listen to his mates go on about how fantastic it all is giving him loads of spoilers then let him have it back

My teenagers tell me im quite creatively evil when they act badly

That’s not something to be proud of.
OfstedOffred · 20/03/2022 19:14

Imo such a ban will impede on his friendships at school. When everyone is talking about the fame he will be left out.

In which case our society has got bigger fucking problems than OP's choice of discipline, if 12 year olds can't be friends with a peer purely because they dont play a computer game they are only just old enough to play.

Why do we all put up with this shit? We are raising a generation of completely screen/game/social media addicted people and it's not good.

KateTheEighth · 20/03/2022 19:14

What did he do wrong?

That's a long time at that age

ThisisMax · 20/03/2022 19:14

@Blossomtoes

Thing is, regardless of how harsh anyone might think it is, you’ve now set the punishment *@Deereemer* and you can’t reverse it. You’ll lose all credibility as the parent if you backtrack. This will be a lesson he’ll never forget - which is kind of the whole point.
I disagree. The OP can reverse and save face but only if they are clear what they want to achieve with a consequence.
Burgoo · 20/03/2022 19:16

I always ask whether a punishment is PROPORTIONATE to the offense? If not then you are likely going to push him toward anger and resentment. What did he ACTUALLY do? Did you explain the punishment or just tell him its happening? He needs to understand the link between behaviour and consequence and see it as not just you being horrible. This takes ALOT of work...sorry!

I remember being banned at around 12 and I was furious - it was like the end of the world. Looking back I can see of course it wasn't, but at the time my developing brain couldn't see it at all. Whilst I know "he isn't 4", we must be conscious of the fact that children often can't regulate emotions and we need to assume their emotions are 10x what us, as adults, would have.

Do you remember when you were at school? Summer holidays felt like they were months long. His friends will all be talking about the game and that just adds to the stress he will feel. Remember you want to make things aversive but not to the point that he gets resentful. Effective punishment is when the child can see the reason for the punishment/duration.

Notmrsfitz · 20/03/2022 19:16

I think his behaviour is dramatic and he’s hoping for a reprieve.

I think you stick to your guns but advise him that should he show you he has altered his ways (spoken like a granny) then you may reconsider.
But I don’t think you can just give in for his behaviour at the moment.

OfstedOffred · 20/03/2022 19:17

Fortnite may have helped him get through lockdown I imagine, it’s important to him and his support group/peer group I should think?

These children are 12. They are only just old enough to play it, how important can it be in their lives? It shouldnt be so important. It sounds like the child needs a prolonged ban to break the addiction regardless.

You don't quit alcohol for a day then see if you can manage a little. You have to go cold turkey much longer for it to reset your brain.

Porcupineintherough · 20/03/2022 19:18

A 3 week ban is quite a long one but it's not "sheer cruelty" or going to destroy his friendships. You could always let him earn back the third week but I'd not discuss that until he's calmed down and come round a bit. If he really cant entertain himself without Fortnite/tech then he really needs a longer break.