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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/03/2022 11:46

@EarringsandLipstick I think the PP meant more that it will be everywhere at school on their friends phones etc which you can't protect them from.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2022 11:54

I think the punishment is excessive. 3 weeks is a very long time.

I imagine he is upset because of the social exclusion linked to missing the update. Or perhaps he has just been looking forwards to it. I wouldn't be jumping to calling him manipulative like some pps. I think boys should be supported to be able to express feelings.

I don't think harsh punishments are generally the answer.

Wrinklefree · 21/03/2022 14:13

@StScholastica

3 weeks, Jeez, you get less for murder these days. How bad was his behaviour?
That’s what I thought 🤣 you also need to realise that some of his attitude and cheek maybe down to his hormones, he has no control over that.
JeepSleeHack · 21/03/2022 17:50

@Deereemer

Just agog at how many posters are in some way permissive about abusive swearing by their sons.
This post is very telling. Abusive? Are you prone to escalation OP?
Lennybenny · 21/03/2022 18:10

It is a sign of addiction. He has also, like the rest of them had a strange 2 years. My ds addiction was fifa. That resulted in very bad things happening....however after putting rules in place and broadband apps switching off wifi, things changed. Both my dc are gamers...we still have rules though. A time to finish is key. A warning and then off. It takes a while but having the rules in place now will make all the difference when they're 16. No matter how bad things got they both remembered the rules and automatically did them even though they hated it when I stopped them from gaming till 1, 2 am because they were convinced all their friends were(they weren't)

underneaththeash · 21/03/2022 18:21

@Deereemer he shouldn't have a computer in his room anyway.

BanjoKnockers · 21/03/2022 19:02

This post is very telling. Abusive? Are you prone to escalation OP?

I'm beginning to understand his request that she fuck off Grin

Original poster
Deereemer · 21/03/2022 19:59

Thanks all.

Interestingly how this thread has touched a nerve for so many.

Thanks for the supportive and insightful posts and maybe some of that will get others thinking about what they think is acceptable.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 21/03/2022 20:03

Have you rethought the punishment?

I also thought that the gaming stuff shouldn’t be in his room. But that’s another conversation I guess.

Marynotsocontrary · 21/03/2022 20:51

I think partly it touched a nerve because you're so convinced you're right OP!

Thanks for the supportive and insightful posts and maybe some of that will get others thinking about what they think is acceptable.

This sounds very much like 'thanks to those who supported me and hopefully the others will learn from this thread and realise they're mistaken and I'm right'?

I have to say I get annoyed when people post and have no intention of really listening to anyone who has a different viewpoint.

I realise you and your son have been through a very difficult time, and wish you both the best for the future.

HRTQueen · 21/03/2022 20:59

Ffs Mary back off who cares that you get annoyed get over yourself

I’m sure Deereemer you shall do what is right for your ds. It’s a challenge bringing up a boy alone especially at this age on top of what you are going through. Best of luck Flowers

HTH1 · 21/03/2022 21:00

I also have a DS the same age who plays Fortnite. He doesn’t behave like that but, even if he did, there is no way I would give him such a ridiculously long ban with no way to make it up to me instead.

Marynotsocontrary · 21/03/2022 21:03

No need for that HRTQueen. I don't agree with Deereemer's approach and I am allowed to say that. I do wish her well.

HRTQueen · 21/03/2022 21:05

😆 Take your own advice Mary ….

LifeWithBellsOn · 21/03/2022 21:05

I'm not sure about all the PP saying three week is too long. My DS (now a fully functioning adult complete with mortgage and pension) was at one time so horribly addicted to World of Warcraft and so arsy with it that I just cancelled the account completely. He screamed/carried on for a full half hour before (slowly) becoming a much nicer person.

Marynotsocontrary · 21/03/2022 21:19

@HRTQueen

😆 Take your own advice Mary ….
That would only make sense if I'd posted for advice like the OP, which I didn't HRTQueen. She asked for advice, but I think what she really wanted was validation.
HRTQueen · 21/03/2022 21:26

It was in relation to your comment no need for that

The op is going through a difficult time ….

ldontWanna · 21/03/2022 21:30

@Deereemer

Thanks all.

Interestingly how this thread has touched a nerve for so many.

Thanks for the supportive and insightful posts and maybe some of that will get others thinking about what they think is acceptable.

Have you considered that maybe part of your reaction is because you're very afraid of your son ending up like his dad?
Marynotsocontrary · 21/03/2022 21:40

@HRTQueen
I see. I said no need for that as you were trying to shut me up, basically.
I know the OP is having a difficult time and I'm sorry about that. I think it might help her if she listened to her son. Maybe she does. Maybe she's brilliant at it.
But...they do seem to be having trouble and she hasn't been great at listening to alternative viewpoints here. She's come across quite agressively to posters sometimes and sometimes she's been passive aggressive.
I just think less self-righteousness and more listening could help in general. I'm not trying to be mean, this is all anonymous anyway. I really am trying to offer advice I think might help her relationship with her son.

Anyway, the best of luck OP. I mean that.

ittakes2 · 21/03/2022 21:42

Fornite is linked to socialising - its likely its more than just playing a game he is losing out on. In our parenting course they taught us that kids can win back their punishments if they show good behaviours ie it reinforces good behaviours because they show you they can behave well. Three weeks is a very long time. Consider could you go without messaging for three weeks?

Fairislefandango · 21/03/2022 21:49

Fornite is linked to socialising - its likely its more than just playing a game he is losing out on. In our parenting course they taught us that kids can win back their punishments if they show good behaviours ie it reinforces good behaviours because they show you they can behave well. Three weeks is a very long time. Consider could you go without messaging for three weeks?

Fortnite is well known for its negative effects on children's behaviour. There are umpteen threads on MN alone about that. Not all forms of socialising are positive. There are other ways to socialise, and other games.

Amici · 25/03/2022 16:01

Hi again, I've just seen your reply to me 😊 There's a difference between a gamer sitting in the house for x amount of time gaming constantly and shutting the world out to a gamer who still does very well in school (my eldest is excelling in his computer science classes) still spends the weekends fishing, still hangs out with friends riding their bikes for hours etc. The word 'gamer' seems to make some people think its the same as in the 90s when it's a 40 year old nerd sitting in their mams basement, obese and dirty (generally, not saying that's the case here.)

My kids are early teens. They've been into computers for years. Games like Minecraft are actually educational. My children knew where leather came from etc whereas their friends at a young age didn't. Many games can be beneficial at making the gamer have faster reactions and make more logical decisions. It's like anything in life, we all need some down time and if my kids are happy to socialise with their friends and people around the world sometimes, I'm happy for that. I've always spoke to them about grooming even when they were young, we made it light hearted but they knew what some signs could be etc.

I also went through a few months of playing Call Of Duty with my sons. Because of that, I know sometimes I can't demand that they can't come down stairs right at that moment as they're in the middle of something and they do come down when they can.

I have taken your comment respectfully and none of this is aimed pointedly back at you 😊 I think it's maybe a generation thing? Technology is the future and I'm proud of how my kids are in that regard, they can do what they please so long as they keep their head in the real world which they do. I haven't caught up with the full thread but I did glance at a post saying your son has recently lost his father. I'm so sorry to hear that. The gaming could actually be a way to help distract himself from some bad thoughts and feelings but again, everything in moderation and I wish you all the best in this situation 💐

Notamumonhere · 25/03/2022 16:59

Going on your sons home life, I think a discussion about language and other things and reduce the punishment. Because cutting him off from his social circle as he’s going through this is not the answer. Obviously what he said wasn’t ok but if you do a big punishment like this where do you next, nowhere. From his point of view his is struggling with not seeing his dad and his issues and then your the closet thing to him and has let all his emotions out on you. Does your son have any therapy because of the situation with his dad?

sweetbellyhigh · 25/03/2022 19:40

@Fairislefandango

Fornite is linked to socialising - its likely its more than just playing a game he is losing out on. In our parenting course they taught us that kids can win back their punishments if they show good behaviours ie it reinforces good behaviours because they show you they can behave well. Three weeks is a very long time. Consider could you go without messaging for three weeks?

Fortnite is well known for its negative effects on children's behaviour. There are umpteen threads on MN alone about that. Not all forms of socialising are positive. There are other ways to socialise, and other games.

Are you seriously suggesting that because some parents on Mumsnet complain about their children's Fortnite time that it is "well know for negative effect on behaviour"? That is ridiculous.

People tend to create threads about problems, they don't come in and say "hey that Fortnite is a great game, my kids are so enjoying it and I'm cool with it", not because it isn't true but because what would be the point?

There are weekend Fortnite camps that are language based ie the young people upskilling in another language can go to the language camp and do various Fortnite challenges.

There are a heap of positives available should you choose to be more open minded.

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/03/2022 20:15

😂 3 weeks is long?! I got so sick of bad behaviour when asking my 10 year old to come off the iPad I removed it for 6 months!
Yes I have tried short term ramifications and she knew it would happen. Plus it wasn't done in anger, we sat down together and I explained I was concerned she was struggling with the emotional and mental effect of it.

Talk to him. Don't cave, but there may be more going on than you realise.