Do I owe him money?

[isaidwhatisaid]

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

@Cocomarine

So did he pay half or not?

No it wouldn’t have amounted to half. He missed many months altogether and the months he did pay were less than 50% of the bills. Even if we’re looking at mortgage solely, I highly doubt he has paid half the repayments. If he was legally entitled to anything at all it wouldn’t be half.

@implantreplace

Sorry just to be clear

You and him don’t have any children together?

We have two children. A 5yr old and a 7 month old :-(

No qualification, just common sense based on what he actually paid, not what he thinks he is entitled to!

I will say nothing about the legalities, as yes, you really need proper legal advice, in real life. All I'm going to say is he saw you as nothing but a cashpoint - and he still does. Shit with money the entire time you were together, and he still is. So the chances of him pursuing this legally, well I'd bet a large chunk of my own money he'll never do it. It's all guilt tripping because his cashpoint, you, is saying the gravy train is over. Poor ickle dreamer can't run around playing with his friends while being funded by his second mummy (you) any more. I mean, a fucking theme park day out with a friend using money he STOLE from you?! Adolescent and criminal behaviour. I suggest you get very angry with him and make him back off demanding money, permanently. And yes, pursue a CMS claim, that's your kids' money, not his or yours.

Who has done lion share of childcare?

Tell him the courts are that way ->

@PurpleTrilby

I will say nothing about the legalities, as yes, you really need proper legal advice, in real life. All I'm going to say is he saw you as nothing but a cashpoint - and he still does. Shit with money the entire time you were together, and he still is. So the chances of him pursuing this legally, well I'd bet a large chunk of my own money he'll never do it. It's all guilt tripping because his cashpoint, you, is saying the gravy train is over. Poor ickle dreamer can't run around playing with his friends while being funded by his second mummy (you) any more. I mean, a fucking theme park day out with a friend using money he STOLE from you?! Adolescent and criminal behaviour. I suggest you get very angry with him and make him back off demanding money, permanently. And yes, pursue a CMS claim, that's your kids' money, not his or yours.

That’s hard to hear but sadly true.

Were you dating my ex husband? Obviously that's a joke, but part of it actually isn't.

Reason I ask is he did the exact same to me. I owned a property prior to us dating, all in my name etc. Couldn't add him to the mortgage because of his poor credit due to taking out loads of loans and defaulting on them. The day I kicked him out his response was 'buy me out'. I later heard on the grape vine that this was his thing. Getting engaged to girls to get money out of them, stealing from employers etc. He'd have several on the go; some he even had kids with (whilst we were together). I was also the one putting everything in to fertility treatment as he was adamant he wanted kids with me. He was a chancer... Much like yours sounds.

So definitely sure this isn't my ex? Can't be that many arseholes like this in the world surely.

You weren't married so you owe him nothing. He can try take you to court but he would be laughed out at would be even further in debt. Doubt he could afford to take you to court in the first place. He's obviously a scheming money chancer so just block him out of your life and ignore his pleas of hardship

Ethically if he's due monies you should pay it.
I and an ex had this issue, the property doubled in value over the 10 yrs we were together. She'd already bought it, I sold mine and invested monies in the modernization.
When split we agreed for me to take regular payments rather than a lump sum. This continued for 12 months until I meant someone else, she blew her top and refused to pay.

All a bit fraudulent and naughty really, I weighed up the court process and her being constantly nasty to myself and my new partner and walked away from £30-40 grand.
It's my biggest regret.

Also the fact you have a 5 year old and a 7 month old. They're the ages of the children he had with one of the other women.

Actually... Genuinely serious now. This isn't my ex husband?!

Sorry to hear this @Nickwinkle, but to try to stop misinformation and misjudged decisions for those in similar circumstances, this
You weren't married so you owe him nothing. He can try take you to court but he would be laughed out at would be even further in debt.
is wrong.

@isaidwhatisaid

The second flat was only in my name.

Yes his ‘half’ of the bills included the mortgage.

He would either have been living with his mum if he hadn’t have been with me or living with another woman and not paying his fair way.

What gets me is I tried to help him with his stupid financial choices, I put up with so much crap. I know that’s besides the point really but I say that to say it’s not as if I treated him badly and the kicked him to the kerb. We broke up because I finally snapped when 1 month after having our second child he had taken my bank card without my consent to go to a theme park with one friend and a restaurant with another- one month after the other. That’s another long story.

I don’t know how much money he thinks I owe him. I guess he’s hoping I just come up with an amount cos he’s so lazy.

Glad we never got married and glad we never did buy a property together.

Tell he walks away quietly or you're going to the police about him stealing from you when he took your bank card without permission and used it. Twice.

Actually he was paying you the rent he would have paid had he lived alone.
Absolutely zero claim on your property.

@implantreplace

Who has done lion share of childcare?

Kids are with me for at least 90% of the time (I’m including the baby in that but I’m on maternity leave so I don’t know if that’s fair). If we’re talking about just the 5yr old the he’s with me more like 70% of the time (which has only happened recently as at first his dad was saying there was no space for him to stay overnight at his mums despite her having 3 spare bedrooms- one used as a music room, one used as an office and one used as his brother’s sons bedroom who doesn’t live there full-time). In terms of previous nursery costs I have always tried to factor that into half the amount I would ask him to pay but he could never afford it because he was having to pay back loans to stop bailiffs coming to the door. My youngest will be going to a childminder soon when I go back to work. It’s all good me being able to provide for the kids myself at the moment but I do agree with previous poster that that’s not the point. He should be providing for them as their dad and when I start getting childminder invoices I will struggle.

@YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake

Tell him he owes you rent for all the years he lived in your property.

Exactly!!!!!

@BanjoKnickers it's the advice my solicitor gave me so feel free to tell him he's wrong.

My ex and I were married. I don't have to pay him anything from the house and if he wants to try and claim he can take me to court. Given the circumstances that we were married for a year and the marriage was for fraudulent reasons, the solicitor advised me he would be entitled to nothing, at the very least a bear minimum %. Definitely not 50%.

If he can prove he contributed 50/50 to the property then yes he would have some standing but that's very much not the case as OP has said.

So if he wants to persue it then let him take OP to court but I wouldn't do anything until those papers arrived.

Due to him paying some of the mortgage, I think you do owe him some money.

@Itwasntmeright

Tell him the courts are that way ->

I was going to say tell him to fuck off, but that works too.

In fact, id just say no and leave it at that.

@TheBeautifulMoors

Due to him paying some of the mortgage, I think you do owe him some money.

you think he would have lived rent free for those years and not contributed equally to anything, including the cost of children?

Tell he walks away quietly or you're going to the police about him stealing from you when he took your bank card without permission and used it. Twice.
Tell your solicitor this and report him anyway. Why would you not?

@Nickwinkle

Also the fact you have a 5 year old and a 7 month old. They're the ages of the children he had with one of the other women.

Actually... Genuinely serious now. This isn't my ex husband?!

Lol that’s mad. Poor us. He’s 36. I don’t think he was married before.

If roles were reversed and you were a man and he was the woman she would be advised to make a claim on MN - that's equality for you

That’s parenthood. Very few men are the RP. Personally the only way he’d get any money from me would be if it was ordered by a court.

@isaidwhatisaid baffled that people like this seem to be more common than I thought. Sorry for the shit he's given you and the position he's put you in. Did you ever find he was financially/emotionally abusive too?

@frazzledasarock

Tell him he owes you in rent and half of everything plus child maintenance.

That should get rid of him

This.

You owe him nothing.
Do not engage or agree to anything.

Do not admit that he paid anything towards the morgage.

Deny EVERYTHING.

I don’t want a war with him. I don’t think he will pursue this legally. If he does then we’ll take it from there but I will get my own legal advice in the meantime just so I know where I stand in case he does go that route. I’ve explained to him why I don’t owe him anything and hopefully he can see sense. At the moment I think he is just suffering financially and is grasping at straws. In fact, he probably thought he could live on his mums sofa for free and she has probably now asked him for money. Harsh reality of growing the f up.