Page 12 | Do I owe him money?

isaidwhatisaid · 2022-03-20T08:39:15+00:00

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

MissTrip82 · 25/03/2022 01:50

@joles12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking. If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit? I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad

You’re extremely foolish if you genuinely believe the law has no regard for father’s rights.

Usually when the roles are reversed the woman’s earning power and therefore ability to contribute to a mortgage has been adversely affected by taking on the majority if not all of the childcare.

If you recall a thread with a woman posting who received overwhelming MN support in the same situation - having stolen cards to treat herself to a jolly, on a background of having a poor credit rating due to poor money handling skills and being unable to continue fully to the family finances not because of childcare responsibilities but because of her poor financial choices - then certainly I invite you to link it.

implantreplace · 25/03/2022 07:29

Yes there is a lot to be said to not wanting the father of your children left on the ones of his arse. No matter how much of an arse he is.

implantreplace · 25/03/2022 07:29

Bones of his arse

Dbzcell54 · 25/03/2022 07:32

If you were living together for more than 5 years then you are legally married under American law. He is a fool if he doesn't hire a lawyer and attempt to get half of the shared assets.

Grandville · 25/03/2022 07:34

@Dbzcell54

If you were living together for more than 5 years then you are legally married under American law. He is a fool if he doesn't hire a lawyer and attempt to get half of the shared assets.

This is not only hilariously wrong but OP is clearly not in America.

implantreplace · 25/03/2022 07:34

@Dbzcell54

If you were living together for more than 5 years then you are legally married under American law. He is a fool if he doesn't hire a lawyer and attempt to get half of the shared assets.

They’re not in America. Or at least the OP hasn’t said or inferred that as far as I can tell

Dbzcell54 · 25/03/2022 07:39

No, you are here confidently spitting lies. Common law marriage absolutely exists in America, each state has different rules, but if this in America this relationship qualifies for it in basically every state. Wherever they do live very likely has similar laws. If he just walks away and doesn't try to extract the resources he poured into this massive waste of his time then he is pathetic and a fool.

Dbzcell54 · 25/03/2022 07:41

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BluebellsGreenbells · 25/03/2022 07:46

Wherever they do live very likely has similar law

Not in UK law. He has no stake in the property, it’s owned by OP and they aren’t married.
He did nothing but lodge with the OP and didn’t pay a fair share of the home. He has a responsibility to keep his children housed.

implantreplace · 25/03/2022 08:57

@Dbzcell54

Only 8 states in America recognise common law marriage Iowa, Colorado.Montana, New Hampshire, Utah, South Carolina, Kansas and Texas

That’s it

Nothappyatwork · 25/03/2022 09:39

@Dbzcell54

No, you are here confidently spitting lies. Common law marriage absolutely exists in America, each state has different rules, but if this in America this relationship qualifies for it in basically every state. Wherever they do live very likely has similar laws. If he just walks away and doesn't try to extract the resources he poured into this massive waste of his time then he is pathetic and a fool.

It also applies in Australia. People are very cautious about who they move in with

GabriellaMontez · 25/03/2022 12:54

@Dbzcell54
Out of interest, are you a man?

BanjoKnockers · 25/03/2022 13:03

@BluebellsGreenbells

Wherever they do live very likely has similar law

Not in UK law. He has no stake in the property, it’s owned by OP and they aren’t married.
He did nothing but lodge with the OP and didn’t pay a fair share of the home. He has a responsibility to keep his children housed.

I would just point out that this is wrong! (And a potentially financially dangerous misunderstanding of the law.)

Kennykenkencat · 25/03/2022 22:41

@Dbzcell54

No, you are here confidently spitting lies. Common law marriage absolutely exists in America, each state has different rules, but if this in America this relationship qualifies for it in basically every state. Wherever they do live very likely has similar laws. If he just walks away and doesn't try to extract the resources he poured into this massive waste of his time then he is pathetic and a fool.

Have you actually read the thread? Where ever he would have been living if he didn’t live with op he would have still have to pay out each month on rent and food and bills and I doubt if he had been paid at the same rate as paying op I doubt he would have been living there very long

Also as far as I am aware op is in the U.K. and we have no such law that recognises living together.

Also are you saying his children are a massive waste of time

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 26/03/2022 08:09

@implantreplace

Yes there is a lot to be said to not wanting the father of your children left on the ones of his arse. No matter how much of an arse he is.

But of course, when one splits that's usually the aim of the game, eternal damnation and punishment.

implantreplace · 26/03/2022 09:15

@Hrpuffnstuff1

If the split involves a third party and an extreme loss of trust - yes

But mine was fairly amiable. 3 mediation sessions.

At the end the mediator said to me “how do you feel?”, I said “ok”
She asked my ex and he said “ok”.

She said this is the ideal outcome. No one should walk away feeling like they’ve done “well” out of it but no one should come away feeling they’ve come out feeling “unfairly treated”

BlueOverYellow · 26/03/2022 09:49

@Dbzcell54

If you were living together for more than 5 years then you are legally married under American law. He is a fool if he doesn't hire a lawyer and attempt to get half of the shared assets.

Dear God. This isn't true in America or the UK.

Stop spouting such dangerous nonsense.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 26/03/2022 12:42

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Timeface · 26/03/2022 12:54

Well isn’t that a surprise

@Hrpuffnstuff1 is a….

Wait for it

Drum roll

Divorced male

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 26/03/2022 13:03

@Timeface

Well isn’t that a surprise

@Hrpuffnstuff1 is a….

Wait for it

Drum roll

Divorced male

And?

Timeface · 26/03/2022 13:19

GabriellaMontez · 26/03/2022 16:58

I was commenting more on the general Mumsnet view/narrative of shaft the man for all you can get. That's obviously of shady ground ethically.

I haven't noticed this narrative. I have seen, protect yourself and prepare to have to raise your children single handedly (financially and practically).

But thanks for coming along to reframe it for us from a man's perspective.

withoutawordofalie · 26/03/2022 17:06

If he had to rent a flat would the landlord give him his rent back at the end of his tenancy?

BanjoKnockers · 26/03/2022 18:51

@withoutawordofalie

If he had to rent a flat would the landlord give him his rent back at the end of his tenancy?

Would he have sex with the landlord? Kids with the landlord? Would the landlord promise to marry him?

Wobble01 · 08/04/2022 08:48

I was in a similar situation. Divorced him for psychological and emotional abuse in the end, but had to pay him a settlement and give him 25% of my pension even though he earns more than me, because I couldn't afford court. I put the deposit on our home and paid for all the renovations, supported him through years of unemployment, paid for everything for our children because he decided he didn't want to be a dad once they were born, paid for holidays, evenings out etc. He still says I owe him, tells everyone including our children that I robbed him, and does his darnedest to get back at me. Some people just see themselves as victims no matter what. I would advise that you get some good legal advice and try to cut all ties with him if you can. I really hope it works out well for you x