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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I owe him money?

300 replies

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 08:39

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

OP posts:
Original poster
isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 10:24

@twinsetandpearl

Those that are saying you don't owe him money are legally wrong I'm afraid

He contributed towards half the mortgage therefore in law he has a financial claim/interest in the property

If roles were reversed and you were a man and he was the woman she would be advised to make a claim on MN - that's equality for you

Sorry referring to ‘if the roles were reversed…’
OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 20/03/2022 10:24

Definitely claim child maintenance. Why shouldn’t he support his children.

On the other stuff - get legal advice.

Cocomarine · 20/03/2022 10:26

This is not a question for MN, really.
Speak to a solicitor.
He actually might have a claim.
Hopefully the attempt to buy together wasn’t documented - as in gave you before you started, rather than applied and refused. Because if I were him, I’d certainly be suggesting that that was evidence that you had BOTH intended this to be a joint home.
How often did he fall short of paying half of the mortgage? And did he actually pay half to you, just then pay for nothing else or get cash back from you? He may have quite a record of paying half.

I’d be straight to a solicitor.

I’d also be contacting CMS.

Cocomarine · 20/03/2022 10:27

[quote isaidwhatisaid]@twinsetandpearl true but I think the difference is it’s usually the man who has taken the piss and led to the relationship breaking down.[/quote]
Whether he has an interest in your property is a legal not a moral point though - his behaviour is irrelevant.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/03/2022 10:30

@twinsetandpearl

They were together 11 years, they had kids, were engaged.....if the OP was a man she'd be called all names under the sun
I read "I'm housing his DC" as them being his kids not hers? Not very nice language from her if I'm wrong though
Crimeismymiddlename · 20/03/2022 10:33

You can laugh at his joke. He is owed nothing, I bet he owes you child support. He won’t have the cash to take you court, this type are always banging on about court, they are too stupid to realise people can see through them.

I always wonder if people who do this really expect to get the money. It would be like them asked the landlord of the HMO they would have lived in if unable to grift anyone for half the rent as it paid the mortgage for them.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/03/2022 10:33

if you do a timeline of properties, the paperwork and calculations, what child maintenance would cost him, and make it all much clearer than the info in this post, it probably would not cost that much to get accurate legal advice, which is the only way to settle this and you will have a true picture of who is owed what.
You have two children with this man. If you can say with legal and financial certainty exactly what your position is, there is no room for him to whine about how he's lost out and how you owe him, and perhaps manipulate you.
Then with these issues behind you, you could both calmly focus on sorting out how co-parent. It sounds like he won't do this, so you have to. It also means that the children will see that you have done things fairly. Just offering not to be paid whatever pittance he might owe in CM, is not enough. You describe him as leaning on you financially all these years and using your money irresponsibly on himself and you paid for all the IVF costs. CM is a principle. He should contribute however small that may be.
At the moment, he is living rent free with his parents. He has relatively few expenses compared to you. He use this time to save up and learn how to use his money more wisely.
Don't rely on advice here. Get your documents/bills/calculations organise and get proper professional advice. Even one session would be 100 time worth the cost.

Huckleberries73 · 20/03/2022 10:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Riseholme · 20/03/2022 10:37

@twinsetandpearl. Would the ex need proof though?
An ex of my dm asked for money after the relationship broke down.
She told him no.
He was just trying it on.

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 10:37

@twinsetandpearl

They were together 11 years, they had kids, were engaged.....if the OP was a man she'd be called all names under the sun
Well I don't know, the advice to women is to ensure their names are on properties and they are married otherwise they won't necessarily be entitled to anything from a property owned by their partner. Usually in those cases the women's earning power has been hindered by having children as well so not totally the same imo.
unname · 20/03/2022 10:41

Just tell him it’s called rent. No one gets it back when they move out.

BanjoKnickers · 20/03/2022 10:42

@unname

Just tell him it’s called rent. No one gets it back when they move out.
You'd have to hope that he doesn't take legal advice!
TatianaBis · 20/03/2022 10:45

@twinsetandpearl

Those that are saying you don't owe him money are legally wrong I'm afraid

He contributed towards half the mortgage therefore in law he has a financial claim/interest in the property

If roles were reversed and you were a man and he was the woman she would be advised to make a claim on MN - that's equality for you

No it’s that he can take OP to court to try to establish a beneficial interest. But for that he’d need money.
Unsure33 · 20/03/2022 10:46

@CavernousScream

A lot of the advice on here is pretty bad. If he was paying half the mortgage, he will have a legal case for getting some equity. He may not win the case, but there’s a reasonable chance that he will. You need proper legal advice. This is why people need cohabitation agreements.
I think posters need to look at this as if it was a woman who had left the property . Would they say the same thing ?

In my eyes I might in my head look at what the mortgage payments were only and then say to him …. Ok I won’t claim on maintence for xxx years if you don’t claim part of house . ( ignore all other bills)

And get him to sign something l

But tbh my first visit would be to get my free hour with a family solicitor. (:

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2022 10:46

@isaidwhatisaid

Yes I’m now housing his DC and not asking him for a penny by the way because I want him to use his money to get on his feet. I’m clearly a soft touch and he knows it. He definitely won’t be getting a penny from me though.
Woah!! Go to CMS and stop letting him get away with things

If he's that crap with money he'll never be on his feet but that money belongs to your children. Make him pay

rwalker · 20/03/2022 10:47

From what you say He's contributed to the mortgage and the running of the house so I would say yes he"d be entitled to something .

Strange when it's a woman who paid something you can hear the screams form space that you are entitled to something .

Original poster
isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 10:49

@Cocomarine

This is not a question for MN, really. Speak to a solicitor. He actually might have a claim. Hopefully the attempt to buy together wasn’t documented - as in gave you before you started, rather than applied and refused. Because if I were him, I’d certainly be suggesting that that was evidence that you had BOTH intended this to be a joint home. How often did he fall short of paying half of the mortgage? And did he actually pay half to you, just then pay for nothing else or get cash back from you? He may have quite a record of paying half.

I’d be straight to a solicitor.

I’d also be contacting CMS.

I know but I was referring to the hypocrisy of the inequality point.
OP posts:
caringcarer · 20/03/2022 10:50

Tell him he owes you for child maintenance. Taking someone's bank card and using it is stealing.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 20/03/2022 10:50

Post in legal.

MingeofDeath · 20/03/2022 10:51

Is there a paper trail re his mortgage contributions? If not he has got no proof that he has paid anything to the mortgage so he can do one.

Original poster
isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 10:52

Sorry this is what I was referring to-

Cocomarine

isaidwhatisaid
@twinsetandpearl true but I think the difference is it’s usually the man who has taken the piss and led to the relationship breaking down.
Whether he has an interest in your property is a legal not a moral point though - his behaviour is irrelevant.

Not got the knack of using this yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 10:55

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

twinsetandpearl
They were together 11 years, they had kids, were engaged.....if the OP was a man she'd be called all names under the sun

I read "I'm housing his DC" as them being his kids not hers? Not very nice language from her if I'm wrong though

I used the language of the poster I was replying to. I don’t usually call them ‘his’ children.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2022 10:56

My understanding from reading similar threads on the subject is that if he contributed to half the mortgage (albeit you say that often didn’t happen) and you phrased it like that to him, he could put in a claim and receive a share. I would get legal advice. You may end up owing him money on paper so the more facts you can establish to counter this, the better.

nettie434 · 20/03/2022 10:56

I am a bit puzzled why the OP's ex would have a financial interest in the property when he did not pay enough to cover his bills and living expenses (holidays etc) and they were not married. It seems a bit like saying 'The bills and mortgage come to £1000 a month each so here's £300 but that's towards the mortgage, not the food and heating.

When women are advised to make a claim when they are not named on the mortgage it's because they have been responsible for doing child care, shopping and cleaning etc. They have often paid for all the food shopping and children's clothing etc which in some cases would easily amount to half the mortgage.

I have absolutely no legal expertise here. I just think it's a bit cheeky of the OP's ex to think he is entitled to something. More importantly, how would he prove it?

Walkingalot · 20/03/2022 11:00

Aside from anything else, I can not see any court saying OP would potentially have to sell her home and make herself and their two kids homeless!
You were not married and he's not on the mortgage so he does not have any automatic legal rights over your property.
If anything, you have supported him over the years rather than the other way round so it's unlike the usual 'what if the roles were reversed' cases.
You are doing him a favour by not claiming CM, for now. I don't know how old the kids are but I'd make it clear to him that there is a time limit on this and you will be claiming at some point.