Page 6 | Do I owe him money?

isaidwhatisaid · 2022-03-20T08:39:15+00:00

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

Kirstos1 · 20/03/2022 12:05

I think I would be tempted to reply along the line of 'if you think you are due anything from me you'll have to take me to court so we can work it out. In the meantime, thinking about this has made me realise that you haven't actually been paying any child maintenance, so ill start the ball rolling on that. Thanks for reminding me'

billy1966 · 20/03/2022 12:06

If he has often missed paying anything for months at a time, then if you even it out he has probably only paid utilities.

Remind him of that, he paid towards bills, some childcare, NEVER towards the morgage.

Protect yourself and your childrens home.

Hawkins001 · 20/03/2022 12:07

From a legal perspectives, it seems it would be difficult for him to prove his contributions ?

Toottooot · 20/03/2022 12:09

My friends ex boyfriend moved into his flat for a couple of years and contributed to bills. When they split the boyfriend took legal action against him and he had to pay him a substantial figure based on paying towards the property when he lived there.

SeasonFinale · 20/03/2022 12:09

[quote Nickwinkle]@BanjoKnickers it's the advice my solicitor gave me so feel free to tell him he's wrong.

My ex and I were married. I don't have to pay him anything from the house and if he wants to try and claim he can take me to court. Given the circumstances that we were married for a year and the marriage was for fraudulent reasons, the solicitor advised me he would be entitled to nothing, at the very least a bear minimum %. Definitely not 50%.

If he can prove he contributed 50/50 to the property then yes he would have some standing but that's very much not the case as OP has said.

So if he wants to persue it then let him take OP to court but I wouldn't do anything until those papers arrived.[/quote]
The difference here is you were married and therefore your solicitor's.advice to YOU does not apply to OP because she was not married to her ex.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 20/03/2022 12:09

@Kirstos1

I think I would be tempted to reply along the line of 'if you think you are due anything from me you'll have to take me to court so we can work it out. In the meantime, thinking about this has made me realise that you haven't actually been paying any child maintenance, so ill start the ball rolling on that. Thanks for reminding me'

Perfect!!!

twominutesmore · 20/03/2022 12:10

How does his salary compare to yours? I am just wondering whether you paid for holidays because you earned more.

People keep saying that he didn't contribute - he did, op said he paid half of mortgage, bills, childcare. Except there were months when he was short. Again, I think his salary is relevant.

But none of it matters really. All of the emotion and blame would be taken out of it by the courts. If he can show that he paid half the mortgage for 11 years, that they were engaged, that he was assured that the home was half his, he's in with a chance at a claim.

And please don't report him for using your bank card twice. He's absolutely wrong of course but he would say you gave it to him. It would go nowhere legally and that is how break ups escalate. You'll be co-parenting for a long time yet.

Original poster

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 12:10

[quote Nickwinkle]@isaidwhatisaid baffled that people like this seem to be more common than I thought. Sorry for the shit he's given you and the position he's put you in. Did you ever find he was financially/emotionally abusive too?[/quote]
Yes. I don’t think he meant to be emotionally abusive but I realised that he had a complex about me being the breadwinner and over time that became increasingly apparent that it affected his fragile ego and he picked at me like he was trying to knock me down a peg. I always used to say I felt bullied by him and and I said to him numerous times that ‘you can’t break me’. Makes me sad to think about it. Can’t believe I was in that situation for so long. I stayed for the kids but also thought he might change. Lessons learnt.

OP posts:

Original poster

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 12:18

@twominutesmore

How does his salary compare to yours? I am just wondering whether you paid for holidays because you earned more.

People keep saying that he didn't contribute - he did, op said he paid half of mortgage, bills, childcare. Except there were months when he was short. Again, I think his salary is relevant.

But none of it matters really. All of the emotion and blame would be taken out of it by the courts. If he can show that he paid half the mortgage for 11 years, that they were engaged, that he was assured that the home was half his, he's in with a chance at a claim.

And please don't report him for using your bank card twice. He's absolutely wrong of course but he would say you gave it to him. It would go nowhere legally and that is how break ups escalate. You'll be co-parenting for a long time yet.

I did earn more. That’s part of the reason I didn’t split everything entirely equally and don’t know how much he owes me because I never kept track.

I know this is a moral case again but the reason I earned more is because I made the effort to. He was lazy. The job he did have, I helped him apply for. I also bought him tools to set up his own business. I don’t want to out myself by giving too much away but he wasted it.

I’ll be quiet posting l for abit now- have to sort the kids out

OP posts:

Prettynails · 20/03/2022 12:19

If he has contributed to the mortgage he does have a valid claim - you were living as a joint couple

BlueSummerBaby · 20/03/2022 12:20

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Ethically if he's due monies you should pay it. I and an ex had this issue, the property doubled in value over the 10 yrs we were together. She'd already bought it, I sold mine and invested monies in the modernization. When split we agreed for me to take regular payments rather than a lump sum. This continued for 12 months until I meant someone else, she blew her top and refused to pay.

All a bit fraudulent and naughty really, I weighed up the court process and her being constantly nasty to myself and my new partner and walked away from £30-40 grand.
It's my biggest regret.

Your story is irrelevant, you weren't a cocklodger. You were daft paying for improvement on someone's house without being named on it though and you've paid the price for that foolishness. I'm sorry for you that your trust was misplaced. Your ex may have seen things differently though (although perhaps not since she agreed to pay you) and may have considered improvement to the property to be nothing like paying half the mortgage or owning it.

Ethically, this cocklodging theif exP of OP should have paid equally into the relationship whilst he was in it. Instead of refusing to pay what he agreed towards bills and then stealing from her as well. He doesn't get to claim "equality" now. If he thinks he has a legal claim on her flat he should start the process of legally claiming that. The OP owes him nothing morally and likely nothing/little legally either.

thenewduchessoflapland · 20/03/2022 12:20

You weren't married (thankfully),he was supposed to be contributing his fair share of living costs for him and your joint DC.He didn't;you bank rolled his lifestyle.

He has no more right to the property than a lodger paying rent to someone who owned the house they were sharing.

I bet he's moved back in with his mum hasn't he?

You need to lodge a claim with the CSA for maintenance;your far too kind to him;he'll never get back on his feet paying maintenance or not;he's irresponsible and shite with money.

You're basically still bank rolling his lifestyle by not claiming maintenance.You aren't together anymore;his finances aren't your responsibility.

IncompleteSenten · 20/03/2022 12:23

I'd be saying I don't owe you money because you never had the right to live off me for free but if you think I do, why don't you reduce the amount of money you contribute to feeding, clothing and housing your child. Oh, right, wait...

Seriously. Fuck him!

frazzledasarock · 20/03/2022 12:37

@twinsetandpearl

Those that are saying you don't owe him money are legally wrong I'm afraid

He contributed towards half the mortgage therefore in law he has a financial claim/interest in the property

If roles were reversed and you were a man and he was the woman she would be advised to make a claim on MN - that's equality for you

If the roles were reversed. The woman had been resting the children of the family, doing all the housework and financially contributing yes she’d be advised to try and get as much as possible.

However here we have a man who didn't pay half the bills, as he never had money. And sponged off OP. Isn’t paying for his children currently and thinks he can get some more money out of OP.

So no he is owed nothing. If he didn’t contribute towards half the mortgage he’ll be lucky to have any grounds to take OP to court. In the meantime had he been living by himself he would have been paying out a lot as OP wouldn’t have been around financially funding this feckless loser.

It’s nothing to do with equality. The man was a cocklodger.

Women who post on here complaining their partners expect them to contribute towards the mortgage get short shrift, they’re told they’d be paying for rent anyway so expecting to live in someone’s house rent free is cheeky and entitled behaviour.

BanjoKnickers · 20/03/2022 12:44

@thenewduchessoflapland

Good afternoon, Your Grace.

He has no more right to the property than a lodger paying rent to someone who owned the house they were sharing.

This bit is wrong.

PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers · 20/03/2022 12:48

Don’t enter into conversation with him. My ex did the same so what I’d do if he text me was the following:
If the text was only about money- ignore
If the text was about our child and money, I’d only respond the the query about our child.
Re any face to face contact. I just used to repeat, I’m not discussing this. I didn’t speak to him on the phone so didn’t have that problem.
Try it. Take the power back from him.

LBFseBrom · 20/03/2022 12:49

Tell him where to go, you owe him nothing and I have no doubt you could prove that if you had to; however you probably don't have to. He is just trying it on.

Onwards and upwards!

CamVegOut · 20/03/2022 12:52

People saying if the OP was a man the advice would be different, have you failed to notice that the OP is looking after the children without any financial input ?

NotNotNotMyName · 20/03/2022 12:54

Your ex is a cockwomble

BanjoKnickers · 20/03/2022 12:59

@NotNotNotMyName

Your ex is a cockwomble

Agreed - unfortunately it looks like he's a cockwomble with an equitable claim over their home

nitsandwormsdodger · 20/03/2022 13:00

You have ( or can get hold of ) receipts for Ivf holidays etc
He only paid you what any normal person would have paid in a house share or rental
Don’t be a mug get maintenance from him he isnt making wise choices
As someone said I may be tempted to put a deposit down in a local flat so he was handy for childcare and if he was in his own flat rather than his mums he may realise all the things you paid for over the years ??

Kennykenkencat · 20/03/2022 13:08

@Getoff

Even if the bills include the mortgage, it's extremely unlikely that the mortgage payments were more than rent would have been, so what he paid (if he did actually pay half) would have been no more than the value he received, and he should still be morally entitled to nothing.

If anyone wants a 50% share of property gains, they need to pay half the desposit and take half the risks by actually being owners. (Was recently reading of a high-rise flat owner whose 300K flat is currently "worthless" due to cladding issues.)

Totally missing the point of the thread No property is worthless, it just might not be worth £300,000 anymore. I presume if you put it in an auction it would £150,000 instead of £300,000. Although given how ridiculous auction prices are these days you might get £400,000 instead of £300,000

BloomingTrees · 20/03/2022 13:08

I've never read a post on here from a man, who is the breadwinner, looks after the children full time who's girlfriend (mother of the children) has left, not looking after her children and is now claiming money for barely covering her living costs from living with him.
If this happened, I'm willing to bet the mother would get a slaughtering on here. So saying the advice would be different if the roles were reversed is irrelevant.

I wouldn't give him a penny and I'd make a claim for child maintenance. That money isn't for you but for your children. Why should they miss out ?

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2022 13:10

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Ethically if he's due monies you should pay it. I and an ex had this issue, the property doubled in value over the 10 yrs we were together. She'd already bought it, I sold mine and invested monies in the modernization. When split we agreed for me to take regular payments rather than a lump sum. This continued for 12 months until I meant someone else, she blew her top and refused to pay.

All a bit fraudulent and naughty really, I weighed up the court process and her being constantly nasty to myself and my new partner and walked away from £30-40 grand.
It's my biggest regret.

Not the same situation at all

BOOTS52 · 20/03/2022 13:23

He has a neck on him doesn't he. He is the one who should be contributing towards his children which I hope he is and if not get legal document so that child maintenance is directly taken out of his account and into yours. Does he have any documents that show his money went straight towards the mortgage. He is a cheeky fecker and you have carried him for years. You will have more money without having to feed him and carry him also. Hope you have some support family/friends and do not let him bully you. Do not give him a penny as you need that for you and the children.