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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I owe him money?

300 replies

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 08:39

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

OP posts:

raspberrymuffin · 20/03/2022 09:16

You'd need to discuss the nuances with an actual lawyer (or, and I think this is the better option, wait and see if he does first) as the law is fuzzy on this. My knowledge is a decade out of date but for him to succeed I believe he'd have had to be chipping in on something like an extension or a new roof, and there would have had to be some sort of explicit understanding between the two of you that he was doing this because it was partly his.

The othe thing to remember is that if he wants a share he would need to find the money to take you to court for it and it would not be easy or straightforward for him.

LoudingVoice · 20/03/2022 09:17

What a chancer, tell his to do one, block him on everything and ignore him.

RandomMess · 20/03/2022 09:34

No you don't him because he never did pay half and you are now housing his DC!!

Original poster

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 09:39

Yes I’m now housing his DC and not asking him for a penny by the way because I want him to use his money to get on his feet. I’m clearly a soft touch and he knows it. He definitely won’t be getting a penny from me though.

OP posts:

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/03/2022 09:46

No, no, a thousand times no!

He’s a CF, and CFs do excel in trying it on with anyone who they think might be daft enough to do whatever they want.

Calmdown14 · 20/03/2022 09:47

How did he pay you? Direct debits or did he just buy the food shopping or pay a bill?
He might have a small chance if he can show his payments went towards the mortgage but realistically, he's never going to pay a solicitor and you can threaten a back payment of CMS. So I'd ignore him

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 09:49

Sounds like he's chancing his luck, I'd absolutely say no and let him waste his money taking it further. Its ridiculously unlikely he would have a legal stake on it at all.

movpov · 20/03/2022 09:50

I think you should ask him for half the mortgage amount that you paid for all those years.

And now you are housing his children with no contribution from him?! He is indeed a massive CF

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 20/03/2022 09:51

I said YANBU but then I read that he did contribute to some of the mortgage. I think I’d throw him a little bit of cash for a deposit/first months rent type thing. Do you have bank statements that show how much he contributed? He is the father of your kids so I’d try to resolve things amicably.

RandomMess · 20/03/2022 09:52

Geez get maintenance for the DC and send him a bill for 50% of the IVF, holidays and all the DC stuff that you paid for in full!!!

Amei · 20/03/2022 09:53

He would have needed to make significant contributions for you to owe him anything, such as a lift conversion / extension / new roof ect, monthly expenses wouldn't amount to you owing him anything. He's paid his share of bills / food, nothing more x

tiredanddangerous · 20/03/2022 09:54

He paid half the mortgage? I think you need proper legal advice.

HollowTalk · 20/03/2022 09:56

@isaidwhatisaid

But you've already said that he will live off another woman or of his mother so he won't be using his money wisely. Go for child maintenance. Tell him that if you'd been married he would've been entitled to something but as it is he's entitled to nothing. Then tell him that he actually owes you money.

CavernousScream · 20/03/2022 09:57

A lot of the advice on here is pretty bad. If he was paying half the mortgage, he will have a legal case for getting some equity. He may not win the case, but there’s a reasonable chance that he will. You need proper legal advice. This is why people need cohabitation agreements.

RealBecca · 20/03/2022 10:01

Presumably since wasnt paying half of your mortgage he would have been paying (and defaulting) on a landlords.

I’m now housing his DC and not asking him for a penny by the way because I want him to use his money to get on his feet

Being soft hasn't worked has it because hes after you for money. Pushback the other way. I'd also view it that you can choose not to pursue money he owes you but you ought to be making a claim for your children, that's their money, not yours to give up.

averythinline · 20/03/2022 10:05

Put in a cms claim for your children and tell him to Fuck off and then fuck off some more..

His poor financial management is not your responsibility... you and your children have been taken advance of for too long already..

NeedToKnow101 · 20/03/2022 10:05

@RantyAunty

He can fuck off. You're well rid.

^^ what she said.

twinsetandpearl · 20/03/2022 10:09

Those that are saying you don't owe him money are legally wrong I'm afraid

He contributed towards half the mortgage therefore in law he has a financial claim/interest in the property

If roles were reversed and you were a man and he was the woman she would be advised to make a claim on MN - that's equality for you

timeisnotaline · 20/03/2022 10:09

Look where being soft has got you. Do your best estimate of child maintenance and send it to him, along with a rough calc of back pay he owes. If he seriously comes back with you owe him money again just open a case with cms and let him know.

BanjoKnickers · 20/03/2022 10:10

It is possible that he might have an equitable interest arising from his contributions, especially to the mortgage. Having just your name on the title and being unmarried doesn't stop that. And the fact that you were engaged might stand in his favour. It depends on intentions (which can be inferred from conduct).

But don't do anything until you get a solicitors' letter.

BanjoKnickers · 20/03/2022 10:12

A lot of the advice on here is pretty bad.

Emotive knee jerks

twominutesmore · 20/03/2022 10:13

I've just seen your update and my opinion has changed. If he paid you a monthly amount that was for half of the bills and half of the mortgage, for eleven years, then I think he could have a chance at a claim.

He will say, certainly with the second mortgage, taken out when you were together, that he was dissuaded from being on the mortgage as his poor credit score would have meant a higher interest rate, but that you assured him that the house was his home and half his.

If I was him I'd be getting proper legal advice. That's what we'd be advising any woman posting in a similar position.

twinsetandpearl · 20/03/2022 10:14

They were together 11 years, they had kids, were engaged.....if the OP was a man she'd be called all names under the sun

Cherrysoup · 20/03/2022 10:18

Prime cheeky fucker! Add up all restaurant and holiday expenses, plus shopping (bet he rarely contributed) plus I bet you paid for all the dc’s stuff, then send him an estimate along with the forms for csa. The csa is for your dc, they are entitled to it, sod him getting on his feet, he can act like a parent for a change as opposed to another of your kids!

Original poster

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 10:19

@twinsetandpearl true but I think the difference is it’s usually the man who has taken the piss and led to the relationship breaking down.

OP posts:

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