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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I owe him money?

300 replies

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 08:39

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

OP posts:
NannaKaren · 21/03/2022 20:30

He can F off ! Cheeky bugger

Cocomarine · 21/03/2022 20:52

@maddening

I reckon that when you calculate how much he actually paid towards capital and remove his half of ivf it would be nothing to pay.
But your reckoning has no legal basis whatsoever @maddening
maddening · 21/03/2022 21:02

Didn't suggest it did? He is probably under the impression that the £200 he flung her each month is what he is owed, it would demonstrate to him that what he actually paid against capital is minimal against what he owed he in bills and ivf.

Cocomarine · 21/03/2022 21:24

@maddening

Didn't suggest it did? He is probably under the impression that the £200 he flung her each month is what he is owed, it would demonstrate to him that what he actually paid against capital is minimal against what he owed he in bills and ivf.
Did I miss a post where OP quantified his contribution as £200?

You are suggesting that it’s fair to add up what he did contribute and take it off bills and IVF, but that’s not the legal process for determining whether he has a claim.

Yes, he paid less than OP - but he earned less too.

He sounds horrid, and I hope he’s entitled to nothing, and I hope he doesn’t even cause OP stress by maintaining that he is.

But any case that he would have can’t be negated simply because the higher earner paid more of the outgoings.

Augustmummy · 21/03/2022 21:38

If he paid half your mortgage for 6 years, then I think he has a point tbh. Morally questionable but legally he hasn't a leg to stand on.

I suppose it's his own fault for making bad financial choices that stopped him from being added to the mortgage in the first place.

Everyone else seems to have a different view than me, but I do see his point to be honest as he put money into your asset. But that's just me..

Londoncallingme · 21/03/2022 23:10

If he can prove he lived there and contributed to the home then I believe you might owe him something legally. As you have children who I presume are staying sigh too u? Then not much.

AnnieSnap · 21/03/2022 23:15

I don’t think you owe him, even morally. He would, after all have had to pay rent, utilities etc if he hadn’t been living alone and given that he paid less than half and you paid for holidays etc. You paid in much more than him in the joint relationship. I’d tell him that and that you’re not prepared to discuss it any further.

pimplybumskins · 22/03/2022 01:30

You need legal advice. As I remember when I did property law a billion years ago (hopefully things have changed) but you were Defacto. If you have children with him and or did IVF you were a couple, so he may have a claim. It’s not always about financial contribution but also if the did any diy or maintenance he may also have a claim. You will need to show he paid rent to not pay him something. I agree with everyone you should give him a penny.

pimplybumskins · 22/03/2022 01:31

Shouldn’t *

ToffeeMamma · 22/03/2022 01:56

Your best bet to scare him off is to write him a bill for all the things he could potentially owe you. Also reiterate the time he took your card and that this was in fact theft and if you are proceeding forward then you may consider pressing charges for this. Also make it clear if he continues demanding money in this way then you will be asking for maintenance for the children too.

Mangotea · 22/03/2022 04:41

Did he pay anything towards the house ie extension, expensive project/redecoration or towards the initial down payment?

If he contributed towards the deposit then he should get that money back but otherwise I don't see how he's entitled to anything. From the sounds of it doesn't seem like he contributed towards the daily expenses to have a claim to anything.

joles12 · 22/03/2022 07:21

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking.

If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit?
I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad

timeisnotaline · 22/03/2022 08:10

@joles12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking. If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit? I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad
A man who pays nothing towards his children, and you want to stand up for fathers rights? Don’t you want to check he still actually sees them at least first?
GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 08:47

@joles12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking. If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit? I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad
The OP has had a total spread of views on this.

Any vitriol, has been aimed at her ex who has avoided responsibility throughout their relationship, even taking her card without asking. The OP remains largely financially and emotionally responsible for their young children.

Read the thread again. Think about the rights of the children and the responsibilities of the parents and tell me you still "feel sad".

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2022 09:02

@joles12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking. If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit? I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad
Op says he regularly did not pay this ‘half’ contribution. He also did not pay for the ivf to produce their kids, childcare fees or holidays. Moreover he is not currently paying child maintenance. He also stole and used her credit card twice.

Had he actually been financially solvent, they would have had a joint larger property and mortgage. Idk if op owes him anything legally but morally, it would appear not.

Papayamya · 22/03/2022 09:04

@joles12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking. If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit? I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad
Well women get absolutely roasted on here as well- not saying its right but let's not pretend that this vitriol is amplified on here towards men. Also not sure if you've actually read OPs posts properly, his contributions towards bills weren't even half and OP paid for most other stuff as well- I suspect if he was living elsewhere like renting or something he would have been paying more a month and not benefitted from the other stuff OP had been paying for.
ivykaty44 · 22/03/2022 09:16

regard to fathers rights in these situations.

he has the same rights as mother in this situation

LoisLane66 · 22/03/2022 09:20

You are being unreasonable by actually giving the thought some headspace.
He's crackers to think that YOU owe HIM for the use of electricity, gas, water, food, insurance, whatever other bills he thinks he contributed to.
I wouldn't even listen. Just laugh and walk away or say 'No chance' and put the phone down. Whatever he says, you don't owe him anything.

Kjpt140v · 22/03/2022 09:26

Go to Citizen's Advice. My son is just coming to the end of a scenario similar to yours. He isn't paying her a penny, as advised.

She sent him texts demanding £4000 or she would go to court. My son discovered that she had been obtaining and using credit cards fraudulently using his name. When he went to the police they told him that the demands for £4000 was blackmail.

Don't pay him, please use CAB.

RantyAunty · 22/03/2022 10:12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking.

They've likely earned every bit of it.

Daffi · 22/03/2022 10:13

What a terrible man, thank havens women never do that.

mylifestory · 22/03/2022 18:19

Call citizens advice. Put in a claim for maintenance so u have it on paper. Doesnt matter if you need it or not or feel sorry for him. He will probably try to take you to the cleaners with this one unfortunately. If u have maintenance you could bargain with it to give it up I return for his interest in the property. So u need to have yr claim in now. Theres no feel in sorry for him when the times get rough like they will do. Pls go to citizens advice asap with all yr paperwork, salary, outgoings etc and how much you know of him. Tell them the same u have here.
Good luck. Hes lost his comfortable home. Loser! (Him not u)

mygirllollipop · 24/03/2022 21:36

Was it the mortgage he contributed to?

If not, can you imagine asking a landlord for your share of their property bc you paid the utilities?

LoisLane66 · 24/03/2022 22:09

@mygirllollipop
The OP's house is a RENTED property.

Kennykenkencat · 25/03/2022 01:28

@joles12

The level of vitriol towards men on hear is shocking. If the flat has doubled in value and the other half did contribute to half of all the bills , including the mortgage, then morally it is outrageous how many women on here think it is fine to just stab him in the back and leave him with nothing. Without his contributions financially the OP would not be sat on the equity she is - he is the father of her children, surely you don’t want to see him in a bad bedsit, how will children visit? I am all for womens rights but the law, and it seems the voices of Mumsnet have no regard to fathers rights in these situations. It is very sad
But he didn’t pay half and the law doesn’t consider what is morally right

If anything I think she would have been better off without him given his half really didn’t cover everything and the payments were sporadic and anything out of the norm she paid for everything including him.

Also if she had been on her own she would have been able to claim benefits and at least those payments are regular.

He doesn’t even pay child support.