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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I owe him money?

300 replies

isaidwhatisaid · 20/03/2022 08:39

I was with my ex partner for 12yrs. When we met I owned a flat. We lived in that flat together for 5yrs. When I wanted to move I tried to buy another property with him but his credit score was low so I ended up having to buy a cheaper property myself. We lived in that new property for 6yrs before breaking up. During those years he paid me ‘half’ the bills. It was never actually half as he never had enough money because he was always getting fines and getting silly APR loans and generally mismanaging money. Asides from that, it was always me paying for holidays, restaurants etc. I paid for our IVF. Now he’s saying that I owe him money for him having contributed towards bills. AIBU by telling him to get lost?

OP posts:
implantreplace · 21/03/2022 06:21

@Krakenchorus

1. Put in a CMS claim now.
  1. Do not take any action or enter into discussions with him about money you allegedly owe him. If he ever sends you a solicitor's letter, deal with that. You could consult a solicitor now, but you'll get much better advice when not dealing with a hypothetical.
  • Hide this thread. There is literally nothing to be gained from a group of anonymous non-legal mumsnetter all giving various opinions based on their personal experiences or what they think is right
    • implantreplace · 21/03/2022 06:22

    When I divorced m husband

    I referred to one person and one person only on financial matters. My solicitor.

    implantreplace · 21/03/2022 06:25
    Kennykenkencat · 21/03/2022 10:00

    @QuinkWashable

    Legally he might be able to make a claim (if he had the cash)

    Morally I can't see a leg to stand on.

    I'm more than a year into trying to split from my ex, and we're about to sign on the deal I offered from the very start (I worked it out 3 ways, honestly very fairly - to him)

    I think having been through this, I would visit a solicitor for whatever the piece of paper would be that would have him commit to a full and final settlement, then offer him a couple of grand or whatever feels like the amount he's angling for, to sign it.

    Why legally? They weren’t married.

    He didn’t pay half of everything. He didn’t pay regularly. He doesn’t pay CM.

    He might be taken seriously by a solicitor if he lies to them. If he told them the truth more than likely they would tell him he had no chance.

    QuinkWashable · 21/03/2022 10:48

    I said might be able to make a claim - not that he'd succeed!

    Literally, I'm taking a step back and suggesting that OP talks to a solicitor and just gets a line drawn under it all, rather than having it drag on potentially, since I've been through the dragging on, and if I could have just paid a couple of grand to not have spent the past year mucking about, I would have.

    RantyAunty · 21/03/2022 12:32

    If it were the other way around posters would say he doesn't owe you anything other that CM. Too bad so sad. Move on.

    She doesn't need to pay him anything.

    As for him taking her to court. It will never happen. Courts are for people with money. This guy is a cocklodging bum. They tend to stay away from the legal system as they are the ones usually in trouble.

    PurpleNebula84 · 21/03/2022 13:25

    I had this with my ex and sought legal advice - unless he can prove there was some discussion/agreement that he has a share in the property or has massively invested into the property (eg paying for an extension/extensive renovations) then he hasn't a leg to stand on. He could try and take you to court but unlikely to succeed and the legal fees alone would be £10k+. Any solicitor worth their salt would basically just laugh him out the door.

    Cocomarine · 21/03/2022 14:54

    @Kennykenkencat

    “Why legally? They weren’t married.
    He didn’t pay half of everything. He didn’t pay regularly. He doesn’t pay CM.“

    Legally because… there is legislation that covers this.
    He doesn’t have to be married to OP.
    He doesn’t have to have paid half of everything.
    He doesn’t have to have paid regularly.
    CM is utterly irrelevant to the legislation.

    He may have no claim, or his claim may be unlikely to succeed. But none of your 4 points negates that claim.

    Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 15:12

    That is an important point to remember they never walk into a solicitors office and say right so what ive done is cock lodged for 10 years, I’ve not paid my child-support yada yada yada, a solicitor can only present the version of events that they told by their clients. They absolutely will take his money whether he has a case or not. And if you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it does indeed stick.

    cherish123 · 21/03/2022 17:42

    Don't be ridiculous. Of course you don't owe him money. Bills were split and he didn't appear to pay half or any rent. Even if he had paid rent, you were effectively his landlady so you wouldn't owe him money. That's just ridiculous. He's being cheeky. Just ignore him.

    BanjoKnickers · 21/03/2022 17:56

    you were effectively his landlady so you wouldn't owe him money.

    I'd love to see the thread where the man puts the house in his sole name, takes monthly money off the mother of his kids, and when it's all over tells her she's not getting a penny, she was only ever a tenant, and she's lucky not to be sued for the months she couldn't afford to pay rent Grin

    Manda2725 · 21/03/2022 18:03

    Absolutely not... If he had stayed home as a house husband to look after the kids and not heen able to work fair enough. But as thats absolutely not the case id tell him to do one and that in fact he owes you money, cheeky free loader

    Fluffmum · 21/03/2022 18:05

    If you weren’t married you owe him nada

    Worriedatwork1 · 21/03/2022 18:21

    @BanjoKnickers

    you were effectively his landlady so you wouldn't owe him money.

    I'd love to see the thread where the man puts the house in his sole name, takes monthly money off the mother of his kids, and when it's all over tells her she's not getting a penny, she was only ever a tenant, and she's lucky not to be sued for the months she couldn't afford to pay rent Grin

    I had this exact scenario- moved into his place when pregnant and we were always planning to buy together and then various things meant we didn’t, I paid half the bills, all the food, all the childcare £1300 a month and worked 2 jobs so was the main breadwinner and paid for house repairs, all our days our and holidays. Stupidly wasn’t bothered about being on the mortgage as he had some fixed deal for several years and the plan was to buy together one kids were in school and childcare costs dropped. Eventually split due to his cheating and all I walked away with was all the furniture I’d bought (which he tried to argue had to stay with the house!)
    PrimoPiatti · 21/03/2022 18:41

    CF yes, but do have a chat with a lawyer.

    It's not that straightforward.

    dfendyr · 21/03/2022 18:42

    @LittleBearPad

    Definitely claim child maintenance. Why shouldn’t he support his children.

    On the other stuff - get legal advice.

    This 100%
    Kennykenkencat · 21/03/2022 18:51

    [quote Cocomarine]@Kennykenkencat

    “Why legally? They weren’t married.
    He didn’t pay half of everything. He didn’t pay regularly. He doesn’t pay CM.“

    Legally because… there is legislation that covers this.
    He doesn’t have to be married to OP.
    He doesn’t have to have paid half of everything.
    He doesn’t have to have paid regularly.
    CM is utterly irrelevant to the legislation.

    He may have no claim, or his claim may be unlikely to succeed. But none of your 4 points negates that claim.[/quote]
    So for all those saying you have to get married to protect yourself, what is the point if you can make a claim against someone’s house anyway.

    If he paid anything in cash or he bank transferred anything then unless he stated what exactly it was to be used for then it could be counted as his share of the ivf, his share of the holidays etc. it could have been allocated towards any number of things.

    He could have been on a particular diet and transferred money to be used for food but now says it was for the mortgage.

    Cm Is relevant or the lack of it. Anything he could possibly get back could be obliterated if he needs to back pay CM etc.

    BanjoKnickers · 21/03/2022 18:59

    all I walked away with was all the furniture I’d bought (which he tried to argue had to stay with the house!)

    Sorry to hear this @Worriedatwork1, sounds like you got a very raw deal.

    Cocomarine · 21/03/2022 19:03

    @Kennykenkencat you don’t understand the law.

    If - if - a judge decided that this waste of space of an ex had a valid claim of interest in the property under TOLATA, then any CMS owed is completely irrelevant. TOLATA is only concerned with any legal equitable interest in a property - not the overall financial position or money owed. This is nothing to do with a divorce where the overall financial position is considered and assets can be balanced. It would pure and simply be a case of: does he have an interest in the property or not.

    Sadly, the moral position of CMS (and tbf, OP isn’t even asking for it!) doesn’t come into it.

    Cocomarine · 21/03/2022 19:05

    @Kennykenkencat - he won’t owe a single penny in back CMS if OP hasn’t put in a claim. Not a penny.

    Cocomarine · 21/03/2022 19:07

    @Kennykenkencat and as for point about why bother with marriage if you can make a claim anyway:

    • marriage gives you other rights and remedies too
    • marriage means you don’t have the complication of a TOLATA claim which (for reasons some of which you’ve described) are difficult to prove
    BossyFlossie76 · 21/03/2022 19:34

    He sounds very cheeky…however…

    11 years cohabiting, and he did contribute. My solicitors advice would have been there is likely some entitlement/grounds to claim. I sought advice before moving in with my (then boyfriend) Husband not being on the mortgage. We made a cohabitation agreement to avoid this.

    You must seek legal advice on this, it’s complex.

    I’m also disappointed by the default “you owe nothing” messages, where we would be appalled if the genders were reversed.

    Chandimum · 21/03/2022 20:01

    @Calmdown14

    How did he pay you? Direct debits or did he just buy the food shopping or pay a bill? He might have a small chance if he can show his payments went towards the mortgage but realistically, he's never going to pay a solicitor and you can threaten a back payment of CMS. So I'd ignore him
    Please go to the CMS. Now. There is no such thing as back pay from CMS, you can only claim from when your application is received. Stop covering his arse & funding his lack of any adult responsibility!! He needs to learn!! Make this loser pay for his children like every other father manages to (ok most, not all).
    maddening · 21/03/2022 20:15

    You could calculate the amount he paid off the capital, so half of bills removed off what he paid, the remainder went on the mortgage but not all of that went off the capital as some was interest.

    How much on average did he pay?
    What was the total household bill?
    How much was ivf?
    How much was mortgage per month and how much was the monthly interest?

    maddening · 21/03/2022 20:17

    I reckon that when you calculate how much he actually paid towards capital and remove his half of ivf it would be nothing to pay.