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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh follows me to bed

367 replies

overreactionreally · 20/03/2022 06:41

So obviously there are times when dh and I go to bed together but sometimes I like to go up first. I like pottering about, having some wind down time to myself. I'll read a bit in bed then doze off. Lately dh has started coming to bed at same time as me (regardless how early) he's in bed in seconds and wants light off straight to sleep. It bugs my routine but obviously I can't say anything as iabu.

Just wondering if there's anything your oh do that annoy you but you don't feel you can say because they are not really doing anything wrong?

OP posts:
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13
Ginandtonicbiatch · 21/03/2022 19:23

Head space and alone time is a thing of the past if you have a husband/child/children ime. Occasionally if they're both out I get time to watch TV on my own which I like, but otherwise we're always together. I get alone time at home about six times a year. The only thing that drives me spare is the sound of the vape but I tolerate it because otherwise I think he would start smoking again.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/03/2022 19:30

I ended up at eye casualty several times after wearing a sleep mask. I wasn’t closing my eyes properly and it was scratching my corneas.

Took 3 trips before l made the connection.

Elle2018 · 21/03/2022 19:40

Mine used to put the ironing board away upside down. Every.single.time.

Honestly did my head in

MusicloverKate · 21/03/2022 19:41

This is quite interesting to me. I would hate if my husband took ages to come to bed. I like going to bed together. We chat and sometimes read. It’s just nice. But I can understand being annoyed at your routine being forcibly changed. Good luck! X

ScrambledSmegs · 21/03/2022 19:42

DH once gave a visitor tea in my mug. Said visitor was a very attractive former model. He also made me tea in coffee mug, badly.

After she left he was left in no doubt that I considered this high treason and he should go away and think about what he had done Grin (ok only half-joking)

Mirw · 21/03/2022 19:44

Nope. Because if he bugs me, he is told. If he continues, I simply stop speaking to him until he reels his head in. Simple!

Cheshirecatwoman · 21/03/2022 19:52

“He also sits on the bed to put his socks on. Why can't he stand up to do it?”

This irritates the life out of me too

sherbertdib · 21/03/2022 19:54

Mine follows me up and then keeps me
Awake with the glare of his iPad. Sometimes he reads on it and sometimes he watches tv with headphones and when he has those in, his breathing becomes really loud

😤

PennineWayinSlingbacks · 21/03/2022 19:54

DH takes his socks off by scraping his feet along the bedroom carpet, rather than bending down to remove them. This results in lots of black fluff all over our carpet … drives me mad

My DH, similar age, has just started doing this. Makes me feel wild with desire Hmm

Actually it's quite reassuring to see similar scenarios played out in routines all over the country. Loud sneezing, instant sleep, snoring, wrong mugs, indiscriminate use of cushions...

I've realised we're absolutely bang on average!

Cheshirecatwoman · 21/03/2022 19:55

@overreactionreally

So obviously there are times when dh and I go to bed together but sometimes I like to go up first. I like pottering about, having some wind down time to myself. I'll read a bit in bed then doze off. Lately dh has started coming to bed at same time as me (regardless how early) he's in bed in seconds and wants light off straight to sleep. It bugs my routine but obviously I can't say anything as iabu.

Just wondering if there's anything your oh do that annoy you but you don't feel you can say because they are not really doing anything wrong?

Yes my dh does this and it annoys me too.

If I say I’m going to bed early he will practically race up the stairs too.

He then says he’ll read but ends up snoring which is so irritating and not relaxing at all for me…

AnnieSnap · 21/03/2022 19:55

@overreactionreally you say “obviously I can’t say anything”. That isn’t at all obvious to me. There is no need to be hurtful, but you can reasonably say ‘I really enjoy a bit of quiet time to myself when I go up to bed at the end of the day. I like to read for a while’. Hopefully, your DH will respect that. If he still follows you up, before he bounces into bed, remind him the light will be on for a while because you’ll be reading!

rosyAndMoo · 21/03/2022 19:55

Communication is most definitely the key. I often go to bed before hubby because I am
Usually tired all the time (night shift work and high needs child)… I go up between 9 and 10 and hubby come up any time between 10.30 and midnight. He always asks me if I want him to come up with me ;) also in the morning if I’m starting a block of nights hubs will get ready all his stuff the night before in the bathroom so he can get up and out of the bedroom to get ready for work, he will then sort out our son for school. Likewise, if we both have a day off, I will offer to get our son up and out so he can have a lie in

Mudasjark · 21/03/2022 20:00

DH is for designated hitter? I thought you were saying D**khead. I suppose I was thinking you wanted to get some service? Or, you like watching tv or reading a book? I get either case as I don't like somebody treating me it is prison 30 and lights out.. You could say this to the DH?

PeachyPeachTrees · 21/03/2022 20:10

My DH goes up first and has a bit of book time in bed, half an hour ish. Then I go up to bed.
DH annoys me by literally being under my feet like a toddler while I'm in the kitchen, drives me insane. He wants to be close to me, I'm like, be close to me over there!

Mandyjack · 21/03/2022 20:16

That would annoy me too however more often than not we are in separate rooms for most of the evening. He won't even be in the same room if I'm watching soaps and he likes watching sport or dramas that I can't stand like violent stuff with zombies and werewolves in. I am usually in the bedroom around 9/10pm preparing for bed and getting out clothes for the next day and so my skincare. I usually have YouTube on and watch the stuff I know he doesnt like

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/03/2022 20:28

@Cheshirecatwoman

“He also sits on the bed to put his socks on. Why can't he stand up to do it?”

This irritates the life out of me too

Mine would be more irritated if I woke him up every morning by falling over whilst trying to put my socks on whilst balancing on one (dodgy) leg.
Cheshirecatwoman · 21/03/2022 20:29

I agree with hating the deep breathing, as it is the precursor to snoring. I also hate anyone breathing on me, so I always make dh roll the other way. (Had hairdresser breathing on me recently and it was dire).

Other things that annoy me are that dh will load the washing machine with wet/dirty muddy clothes or dog towels but won’t put it on. Leaves it in there festering all day, to tidy the kitchen, but won’t put it on, so the whole room stinks.

The same with dishcloths/flannels etc. Will leave them soaking wet in a ball, doesn’t squeeze them out or hang them up, so they stink.

NannaKaren · 21/03/2022 20:29

Don’t even start me on this (big sigh)…and BlueFlavour I think I love you!

Cheshirecatwoman · 21/03/2022 20:31

“Mine would be more irritated if I woke him up every morning by falling over whilst trying to put my socks on whilst balancing on one (dodgy) leg.”

Obviously it would be ok if you have a dodgy leg, but dh hasn’t and sits there like an elderly person.... not sure why but it really annoys me!

me4real · 21/03/2022 20:33

I don't think you're really being unreasonable @overreactionreally . Be firm and spell it out- that you want some time to yourself to wind down.

makeupfail · 21/03/2022 20:46

@Gingercatsarethebest2017

Yanbu. I get really angry when dh comes to bed at the same time as me, it means I have to share responsibility for turning off all the lights etc, plus I like to watch crap on YouTube in peace! 😂
I agree I want to slope off to bed without door locking/lights responsibility!
TheBigPeach · 21/03/2022 20:48

Similar here, I like going up and pottering, do my routines then might sit in bed and read or watch YouTube. He’s usually not far behind me. Sometimes I’ll go up after the kids are in bed and do my pottering then come back down, he doesn’t like that 🙄

MurmuratingStarling · 21/03/2022 20:52

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I ended up at eye casualty several times after wearing a sleep mask. I wasn’t closing my eyes properly and it was scratching my corneas.

Took 3 trips before l made the connection.

Eeeek! That's awful!
MurmuratingStarling · 21/03/2022 20:53

@me4real

I don't think you're really being unreasonable *@overreactionreally* . Be firm and spell it out- that you want some time to yourself to wind down.
This. ^
MurmuratingStarling · 21/03/2022 20:53

It's times like this that make me glad me and DH have separate bedrooms! I love him dearly, but also love my 'me-time' in bed at night, the whole bed (and bedroom) to myself, AND a bloody good night's sleep.

You have my sympathy @overreactionreally My DH always used to come to bed the same time as me AND get up the same time as me. For YEARS. I HATED it. Some women love their man coming to bed at the same time, but I hate it, and love my own bedroom!

As has been said, there's nothing you can do except tell him. Bit awkward though, to say 'when I go to bed, can you leave it a good hour before YOU come up? Coz I need my 'me-time.' Some men get really huffy and sniffy when we women want time away from them.