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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM only has a landline..no internet, no mobile phone.

155 replies

sleaf · 19/03/2022 15:25

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and to vent. I love my DM very much but I'm frustrated and sad that communication is often very difficult.

She is 75, lives 3 hours away, lives alone and only has a landline which she often doesn't answer and goes to answerphone.

She has no WiFi or internet and although she has a mobile phone, does not use it despite being shown several times and at her request being given written instructions on how to. So quick communication via text or email isn't possible.

The only means of communication other than in person is her landline or sometimes by letter.

Probably irrelevant but she doesn't drive and never has.

I know I'm probably bring an awful daughter but being 3 hours away means I can't simply pop round to see her.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 19/03/2022 15:28

Do you mean that you want more communication for your own needs or are you worried about how she is and get worried because you dont know?

The problem is that this is how it used to be, some people didnt even have phones!

My mum doesnt even use a cashpoint/gets all flustered and confused. She has a mobile but its always off, doesnt use internet. My dad does but once he has gone she will only be around on the landline. They are around 2 hours away. In their 80s

Cowardlytiger · 19/03/2022 15:29

My mum has mobile and landline but frequently doesn’t answer either. Despite often calling me up to 8 times in an hour increasingly grumpily to ask me to call her. She’ll then not answer for the following 2 hours.

12548ehe9fnfobms · 19/03/2022 15:31

What does your mum think? Or do 75 year old women have no say on how they live these days?

I didn't realise choice in my life had an expiration date.

Who has a problem with this? If it's you, YABU, if it's her then she is BU

Her life, her choice. I have to say, her choices sound great

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 15:33

@12548ehe9fnfobms

What does your mum think? Or do 75 year old women have no say on how they live these days?

I didn't realise choice in my life had an expiration date.

Who has a problem with this? If it's you, YABU, if it's her then she is BU

Her life, her choice. I have to say, her choices sound great

A friend (who is semi retired) messaged me at mid morning the other day while I was at work. She then messaged me around mid afternoon and said 'you not talking'

I couldnt believe it!!!

People honestly think that everyone else is at their beck and call in terms of responding to phones or emails or whatever. Even on this forum, posters say 'I see the OP hasnt been back' when perhaps its only the following day or whatever. Some people are not glued to their phone or laptop.

MintJulia · 19/03/2022 15:37

Sounds like my mum. Is she happy with that? Have you tried finding her something really tempting like buying her a tablet with URLs for her favourite soap, gardening program/classical music already saved in there. Or introduce her to catchup tv. My mum used to fall asleep midwaythrough programs and miss the end. So she loved catchup tv Smile

But if your dm is happy as she is, there's not much you can do. It's her choice.

My dm didn't even have a landline for much of her life and survived perfectly well. It's just a different mindset.

MurmuratingStarling · 19/03/2022 15:37

I'm not sure what you're asking us or telling us @sleaf Confused

What's the problem? Has your mother complained she doesn't see you/hear from you enough?

HellToTheNope · 19/03/2022 15:39

Why don't you start writing letters to your mum? She might really like that. And yes, I'm being serious.

Catcrazy83 · 19/03/2022 15:39

Your lucky DM. I feel I need my mobile with teenagers. I long for the days when I’m home. I’m not constantly being pestered. People are so used used to others being available 24/7 now, there no break from anything

Colinthedaxi · 19/03/2022 15:40

Mine is the same, apparently it’s a genetic failing in my family and gran and great gran refused to embrace technology too Hmm

It’s her choice but IMO it does make their lives smaller and less connected. I think we do have a responsibility to “keep up” as we get older or potentially we make life more difficult for those we may need some care or involvement from.

TraceyLacey · 19/03/2022 15:41

You can send a text to a landline. Their phone rings and an automated voice reads it out.

Teastheword · 19/03/2022 15:44

@Colinthedaxi

Mine is the same, apparently it’s a genetic failing in my family and gran and great gran refused to embrace technology too Hmm

It’s her choice but IMO it does make their lives smaller and less connected. I think we do have a responsibility to “keep up” as we get older or potentially we make life more difficult for those we may need some care or involvement from.

Not having the internet or a mobile really doesn't make the world smaller. It's just different.
Ponoka7 · 19/03/2022 15:45

Who is it that wants more communication? Does she go out a lot? Are you restricted to the times that you can phone? Or do you want video chats?

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 15:50

It's just frustrating sometimes for me is all. It would just be good sometimes if I could send her a quick text and vice versa rather than call. She also talks very quietly and I sometimes can't hear her.

I know I am being selfish.

She's just called me to place an online food delivery order. So I started up my laptop, went to the retailer site. When I asked her what she wanted me to order she had to go off and get her list. It was a very tedious call. I've now come off the call completely drained and at the point of tears.

As she doesn't do online banking, I always pay for her shopping. It takes weeks for her to eventually send a cheque.

Just wish things could be easier.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/03/2022 15:53

@sleaf

It's just frustrating sometimes for me is all. It would just be good sometimes if I could send her a quick text and vice versa rather than call. She also talks very quietly and I sometimes can't hear her.

I know I am being selfish.

She's just called me to place an online food delivery order. So I started up my laptop, went to the retailer site. When I asked her what she wanted me to order she had to go off and get her list. It was a very tedious call. I've now come off the call completely drained and at the point of tears.

As she doesn't do online banking, I always pay for her shopping. It takes weeks for her to eventually send a cheque.

Just wish things could be easier.

then tell her "mum I am really happy to help you do this but I can't go on with how we are doing it....I need you do do xxx."
fallfallfall · 19/03/2022 15:55

does your mom have any medical reasons for her decreased abilities? assuming 10 years ago she was able to manage shopping without your assistance?

TempName01 · 19/03/2022 15:55

75 is really not that old nowadays, we’ve had the internet and mobiles for 20 odd years so it’s not like it’s a new technology!

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 15:56

@Ponoka7

Who is it that wants more communication? Does she go out a lot? Are you restricted to the times that you can phone? Or do you want video chats?
I think we would both like more communication. She doesn't go out a lot, and yes, my job often means I am restricted regarding when I can phone or receive her calls (which often come at 6pm).

Video chats would be great.

She never comes to visit. Have offered to bring her over but she says my car is uncomfortable for her. Have offered to accompany her here and back on the train but she's worried about the gap between the platform and the train. I've offered to help her with getting on and off the train or to get staff to help, but no.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 19/03/2022 15:57

Why cant she go shopping or use services in her area to do the shopping for her. Is she disabled or have reduced functioning in some way?

Is she asking you for the help and when did this start?

gogohm · 19/03/2022 15:59

The solution for the shopping is she gives you her debit card details, no need to transfer money. But otherwise just accept she prefers the landline. My parents have mobiles but I still call on the landline, their preference

TempName01 · 19/03/2022 16:00

She could live for another 20 years, she really needs to get her own internet and online shopping. I can see why you are frustrated.

Floralnomad · 19/03/2022 16:01

75 really isn’t that old anymore , why are you doing so much for her ? My MIL is 90 next month and the only thing we do is drive her to the shops / bank etc and if we are not available she will get a taxi .

Viviennemary · 19/03/2022 16:04

Folk I have known in this situation have a set daily time to call. Even if it's only a two minute chat.

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 16:04

@bellac11

Why cant she go shopping or use services in her area to do the shopping for her. Is she disabled or have reduced functioning in some way?

Is she asking you for the help and when did this start?

She lives near a major town and often gets a bus or taxi when she needs to go in. But understandably, bringing bags of shopping back is a struggle for her. No medical conditions or disabilities.

I offered to help her at the start of Covid with online orders. But her neighbours were able to shop for her. It's only recently she's taken me up on my offer. So I guess I've got no reason to be frustrated but didn't realise it would be so difficult all round.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2022 16:05

My in-laws are similar - no internet, no mobiles and just a landline, but they don't depend on any of us for anything.

Why is she ringing you to do a food shop?

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 16:07

If she can use a taxi then thats how she should do her shopping.

If it were me, I wouldnt mind doing these things but would expect her to make it easier for me to help her