DM only has a landline..no internet, no mobile phone.

[sleaf]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and to vent. I love my DM very much but I'm frustrated and sad that communication is often very difficult.

She is 75, lives 3 hours away, lives alone and only has a landline which she often doesn't answer and goes to answerphone.

She has no WiFi or internet and although she has a mobile phone, does not use it despite being shown several times and at her request being given written instructions on how to. So quick communication via text or email isn't possible.

The only means of communication other than in person is her landline or sometimes by letter.

Probably irrelevant but she doesn't drive and never has.

I know I'm probably bring an awful daughter but being 3 hours away means I can't simply pop round to see her.

It's hard to balance this against personal needs - my parents are both 77/78 and they are absolutely nothing like this. My dad is heading for 80, still works, goes to the gym, goes skiing! He has a similar attidude/ understanding of the internet that I do.

We have had widespread internet useage for 20 years now so someone of 76 has had plenty of time to get used to it so this is really a choice

I don't think someone of 76 has to be frail - I think your mum may be relying on you for help because it is something that makes her feel like she has support?

So I would agree it could be dementia - someone of normal cognitive health at this age could be totally capable of a lot of what she is struggling with. sorry op, it's really tough.

My great auntie is 85 and the same. Luckily we live nearby but lockdown would have been nicer for her if she’d have been open to the idea of internet and a tablet for FaceTime etc x

Regarding her shopping, just set the account up with her card details so it goes straight from her account.

This is a very judgemental thread. Just because one 80yo is skiing, it doesn't mean that all 75yos should be confident in using the net. Lots of people living on their own lose confidence and are scared to use technogy. Cognitive changes start to take place too and none of us know what's going on on someone else's head. As I get older, I'm finding it harder to deal with all the new tech as it comes out too.

I do have sympathy, though, with the disorganisation. My dad always used to wait til the night before I went on holiday when I was cleaning, packing and panicking!, to ask me to change his energy provider or buy some foreign currency. Why?! Agh!
You need to get into a pattern. Every Thursday, say, you put in a supermarket order and she must have the list to hand, etc. That way you confine your stress to certain days and you can be stress-free the rest of the time.

I do have elderly parents @WutheringHeights66

@maddiemookins16mum

I also did her an online shop, but had her card registered on the account, so the money came straight from her and I had her ‘favourites’ saved as a list.

I did this for my parents too - makes it a lot easier .

If your mum's neighbours did her shopping for her during Covid it sounds as though they are supportive . If you haven't already done this I would make sure that you have swapped numbers with one or two just in case of emergency.

I think the last couple of years have been difficult for the elderly who may have socialised with friends or be members of clubs prior to the pandemic a lot have just lost their confidence.

It's a difficult situation @sleaf - hard for anybody but especially when your mum is 3 hours away .

There is a separate board called 'elderly parents' where you might get advice from other MNers in a similar situation .

My mum is the same, 81 , quite ill with cancer, has a landline and thats it. She will not entertain a mobile phone and has zero Interest in tech. She says herself she hates change and she's happy as she is. Won't have a telecare alarm either despite having several falls and living fairly rurally. I'm not miles away but it's so difficult when things happen and I can't get there because of work etc

@SmellyWellyWoo

If she doesn't want to engage but is able to then I would refuse to anything for her that she won't learn herself.

That's very unkind.

It isn't always easy to learn things that are totally alien to you as you get old. Some people really do a have a blind spot.
I have helped quite a few older people with tech, Some get it and some really don't.

@Clymene

But it's not just about the phone. She won't use the cordless landline.

She makes the OP do her online shopping but won't refund her for weeks. She had no respect for the OP's time or other priorities. She won't travel in the OP's car, won't go on a train.

She just sounds very selfish and manipulative to be honest.

Or just a bit fragile and nervous.

Hope that isn't you one day

I detect a hint of ageism on this thread.

My DGM is a similar age and exactly the same. She’s happy with her landline and I have to send photos of DC via post. She’s happy this way so I leave her to it but life would be easier for her if she accepted modern technology. DH’s Grandad is 10 years older and has an iPad, he loves it. It’s not an age thing, just a preference I guess. I’ve tried teaching my DGM how to use a computer in the past and it did not go well, she did a computer course through work (teacher) when computers first started taking off and she just didn’t want to learn.

Oh my sympathies.. DM is like this and yes there is definetly elements of this being manipulative. She has a lot of control this way...something to constantly complain about and is really limits how she communicates with us and is such a shame that she is missing out on so much....she has always been sniffy about technology..what would I need that for etc .. its very frustrating and it is absolutely making her life more difficult and smaller. No technology might work OK if you live in a city and can engage with lots of services and other people but is ridiculous when choosing the live in the middle of the country. Technology did not suddenly arrive we have all been learning for 20 years and all this time she hasn't engaged at all. Maintaining independence is so important and this is impacting a lot on her day to day life. But she won't change so there is no point in trying. Definetly get debit card details and set up the regular basket online if you are going to help her do shopping. You will need to have boundaries here I think and make these clear as this will just get more complicated in my experience. Digital literacy is equivalent to literacy 100 years ago and opting out is just disadvantaging yourself for no reason.

For that age I'd say thata fairly normal.

I work as a development manager in a building of retirement flats of the 18 residents there 8 use online and 7 have mobile phones. Of the 8 who use online only 4 are heavy savy users the other 4 using it for light Web browsing and email only.

It can be a real problem like last year 2 of them were going on a cruise and it wanted mobile phone number for paper free access. Took a lot of wrangling for them to get through a i9 and 90 year old simply won't go and get a mobile as its not "easier" for them.

89 year old not i9

I wonder if some of it is how well educated they are?

My late uncle (qualified architect and latterly a vicar) embraced having a computer and using emails, yet my late MIL, who was younger and much less well educated, just didn't see the need.

Nope I can quite confirmed it say it won't be @Nanny0gg. I'm nearly 60 and in the past year I've bought a new campervan and am learning to paddle board.

I don't have any physical issues and I'm lucky so will do everything I can to embrace life.

If you read all the OP's posts, this isn't just about tech. This is about a mindset.

@1forAll74

It's difficult to get your offsprings, to realise that us oldies dont much want to be bothered with fancy phones and gadgets etc,

I have a laptop, and can use it for all sorts of things.. I had a little phone, which was good enough for me, in case of some emergency. Now my son has bought me a smart phone things, and set it up with all sorts of things on it, like whatsapp stuff, He said I can now send photo's and texts to him, he lives in the same village as me, and can also send texts to my daughter, who lives 100 miles away.

I dont want to be sending little text messages to anyone, I prefer to do emails, I write a lot of letters to various people, that is my thing, writing letters. always have done for years..

I dont want to send a text, its all people seem to be doing these days.. I dont want to send a text, to my daughter, to say, I am just hoovering up the cat hairs from my three cats, and now having a cup of tea. !! I am 79 now, and dont wan't to be rabbiting on to people on phones all the time..

Which is all well and good, provided you're willing to accept the consequences of that and don't expect other people to weather them for you instead. Which OPs mum isn't. She's expecting online food orders to be made on her behalf but wants to pay for them by cheque. It may well be that there's some underlying cause for this behaviour, but it's not reasonable or fair.

*Quite comfortably say

Some people just prefer Landlines and contact shopping - mostly older people as most younger people don't know any other way.

My DM used to get right pissed off if I didn't answer my mobile -although I often explained I didn't really use it. She loved the internet she did - banking, shopping, holidays, share trading, etc.

I do use IT, actually earn my 'living' because of it, use it for other things too. I've now got a Smartphone, rarely switch it to t'internet though.

Some people are just like that - i first kept a mobile so friends without landlines could text me and i could easily call the AA if my car broke down; and mostly that's still why i keep one.

So as my DM took to IT/Mobiles like a duck to water and I didn't so much it is a bit ageist to assume that being Older is the only factor involved.

She's only ever worked in a shop or telesales (years ago), or childminding, which she stopped just before Covid hit.

Hang on, she was working as a childminder in 2019, but didn't have a mobile?!

If she refuses to adapt even to the extent of using a cordless handset for her landline, that does seem like extreme technology avoidance for someone who is really not that old. Was she very dependent on your father, who I presume has died?

It is probably not possible to get her to adopt new technology if she is so resolutely against it, but if she is becoming increasingly demanding of your help, eg getting you to do internet shopping, and presumably other things that are now very difficult to do except online, you need to make life easier for yourself.

Start by getting yourself added to her bank account as a named card holder, so you can pay for her shopping directly rather than waiting for her to send you a cheque.

Even better (and a good idea in any case) would be to set up lasting power of attorney so that you can act on her behalf to deal with banks, utilities, council, pensions, tax office etc. The forms are fairly easy but they take a while to register at the moment due to a covid-related backlog. www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

My mother is 85 and has been using email for more than 20 years; she can't get the hang of a mobile phone (arthritic fingers don't help, also it just doesn't make sense to her) but she uses her iPad to watch things on iPlayer and buy stuff on Amazon. She can't cope with internet banking and a few other things so I have power of attorney and do that for her.

Some people just prefer Landlines and contact shopping - mostly older people as most younger people don't know any other way.

This DM wants her shopping delivered though...

God have some empathy. People who lived most of their life in a world without technology find it really hard to learn and adjust. I do this as part of my job and in my company we have people who are resistant to using new technology. Often its because they feel scared, they don't understand it. So used to do things the way they always have.

Getting frustrated and annoyed doesn't help them. You have to spend time educating them, more often then not showing them repeatedly how to do something until they get it. You also have to just show then one thing at a time and get them used to that.

Alot are scared about security, my mum won't use online banking and she is only 67. But she is worried about being hacked, scammed, someone accessing her account if they stole her phone etc. I can educate her but she just won't trust it. I've managed to get her to trust contactless though. Last month she started trusting saving passwords on a browser for her email so its easy for her to open her emails.

As annoying as it might be having to repeatedly teach her thats just how it is.

I bet in 20 or 30 yrs time I might feel the same way about some technology too that I might not keep up with.

Having spent absolutely hours trying to explain things to my parents it is so frustrating as they don't want to learn and I don't want to be patronising either. Choosing not to engage is fine as long as you can live without technology independently. Plus my parents are the same age as OPs so when we started explaining this they were in late 50s..I am nearly 50 myself..this isn't old !!!!