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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM only has a landline..no internet, no mobile phone.

155 replies

sleaf · 19/03/2022 15:25

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and to vent. I love my DM very much but I'm frustrated and sad that communication is often very difficult.

She is 75, lives 3 hours away, lives alone and only has a landline which she often doesn't answer and goes to answerphone.

She has no WiFi or internet and although she has a mobile phone, does not use it despite being shown several times and at her request being given written instructions on how to. So quick communication via text or email isn't possible.

The only means of communication other than in person is her landline or sometimes by letter.

Probably irrelevant but she doesn't drive and never has.

I know I'm probably bring an awful daughter but being 3 hours away means I can't simply pop round to see her.

OP posts:

maddiemookins16mum · 19/03/2022 17:11

@SmellyWellyWoo

If she doesn't want to engage but is able to then I would refuse to anything for her that she won't learn herself.

That’s a bit mean really.

Hankunamatata · 19/03/2022 17:14

My parent only got internet because dad wanted virgin tv. Thinking of getting them a facebook portal as friends have said it's very user friendly

beattieedny · 19/03/2022 17:15

My mother is a fair bit older and is the same. Difference is, she lives nearby. It's your mum's choice and responsibility to have or not have these things. She's not beyond learning. It's on her if she doesn't want to communicate that way.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2022 17:18

My late MIL wasn't interested in modern technology. She never worked in an office so had no tech skills anyway. She just had a landline, and that was it. Before she developed Alzheimer's she used to say "what would I do with a computer?" And in her case she was right. She just had no need for one. However, she did answer her phone.

axolotlfloof · 19/03/2022 17:23

So when landlines are phased out (I didn't know) what will be available for people like OPs Mum?
My Dad lives in a fairly isolated complex of retirement flats.
He has Internet - which he only really uses for email on his laptop.
He has a mobile phone but no reception anywhere on the site.
He uses his land line a lot.
Will there be Internet phones?

axolotlfloof · 19/03/2022 17:24

OP is your Mum happy where she lives?
Would she consider moving closer to you or other family?

1forAll74 · 19/03/2022 17:29

It's difficult to get your offsprings, to realise that us oldies dont much want to be bothered with fancy phones and gadgets etc,

I have a laptop, and can use it for all sorts of things.. I had a little phone, which was good enough for me, in case of some emergency. Now my son has bought me a smart phone things, and set it up with all sorts of things on it, like whatsapp stuff, He said I can now send photo's and texts to him, he lives in the same village as me, and can also send texts to my daughter, who lives 100 miles away.

I dont want to be sending little text messages to anyone, I prefer to do emails, I write a lot of letters to various people, that is my thing, writing letters. always have done for years..

I dont want to send a text, its all people seem to be doing these days.. I dont want to send a text, to my daughter, to say, I am just hoovering up the cat hairs from my three cats, and now having a cup of tea. !! I am 79 now, and dont wan't to be rabbiting on to people on phones all the time..

Smeds · 19/03/2022 17:32

My mum is 70 next year and has had her head firmly in the sand about technology until the last year or so.

I think my DB helps her with a lot of online things as he lives closer but she still has a thing about mobiles. I don't have a landline, when we moved house we didn't feel the need. My mum refuses to call my mobile. Apparently it costs £1 a minute so for 5 years now if she wants to speak to me, she sends me a text message and I have to call her.

mbosnz · 19/03/2022 17:37

My mother is 84 this year, and we live 12,000 miles away. While she has a mobile, she's like me, and not exactly welded to it. She treats it like a landline. So, in effect, we have landline communication. I ring her for an hour each week, for free, at roughly the same time, we have a good natter, and that's it. It works for both of us. My 84 year old MIL, on the other hand, is more technologically savvy than I am.

I'm quite happy to accommodate both of them - that way it works for all of us.

SirChenjins · 19/03/2022 17:37

We have the same issue with DMiL who’s 90 - but in our case my witch of a SIL who controls everything of MIlLs has persuaded her that WiFi will interfere with her call alarm and will leave her stranded on the floor if she has a fall, that she will not be able to master the internet at her age, and being online will mean that scammers will rob her of her money. DH has repeatedly said it won’t interfere and has offered to set her up with a simple mobile phone and tablet and put tight security measures in place, but although she’d love one and has been wanting to learn for years SIL has filled her head with nonsense to the extent she’s terrified of technology.

Clymene · 19/03/2022 17:53

God that's so sad that she's refusing to engage with technology. She has chosen to cut herself off from the world.

If find it hard to believe that a woman of her age with no health or mobility issues is incapable of using public transport either.

I can understand why you're sad but it is a choice she's made.

Cornishclio · 19/03/2022 18:07

Unfortunately some older spoke who have never used technology just don't get it and won't use it. My 86 year old mum who lives 4 hours away has always used mobile phones, iPad and laptop so will do FaceTime, online shopping and banking for herself and email, texts or what's app messages. She also drives so will do her own shopping normally but get online deliveries for heavy things. I think she is unusual for her age though.

My suggestion is you set boundaries if she won't engage with trying new technology to make it easier for you to keep in touch or help her with shopping. Really though if she is relatively mobile there is no reason she can't get a taxi or bus to do her shopping or set up a monthly visit for you to call and help her. I know it is a pain so I sympathise.

Bagelsandbrie · 19/03/2022 18:16

This is insane. She has no disabilities or medical needs and so I’d just send her an iPad if you can afford it and say to her she needs to learn how to use it. 75 is no age at all in terms of managing technology if she’s otherwise with it and well. My ex in laws who I’m close to are mid 80s and send me loads of texts with emojis, order stuff online and stream all sorts of stuff via Netflix etc. It’s a modern day skill everyone should have now (using the internet).

Clymene · 19/03/2022 18:22

@Cornishclio - my parents are nearly 90 and have iPads and iPhones, a laptop and desktop.

It's a choice. When mobile phones became really widespread, the OP's mum was only in her 50s. And there is no reason for her not to be able to get a train.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2022 18:24

Unfortunately some older folk who have never used technology just don't get it and won't use it

I agree with @Cornishclio. I suspect that these are people who have never done any office work, or haven't worked in an office for many years, and jusr aren't aware of what modern technolgy can do. If they have never used anything ike this before they won't be able to see the possibilities.

This was exactly the issue with my late MIL, although at the time we weren't aware that she was in the early stages of dementia.

Inanun2 · 19/03/2022 18:35

It is their choice at the end of the day you can not force them to use tech.
My parent has a landline but we have bought 2 mobile phones over the years (basic with big numbers for oldies- also a simple tablet to use Skype during lockdown).
He used it a few times and we wrote simple instructions on how to use etc but he’s is just not interested in using.
He reads lots of books, buys newspapers and uses landline for calls.
We have just accepted that’s way it is.
Can not teach an old dog new tricks if they do not want to learn..

Clymene · 19/03/2022 18:36

But it's not just about the phone. She won't use the cordless landline.

She makes the OP do her online shopping but won't refund her for weeks. She had no respect for the OP's time or other priorities. She won't travel in the OP's car, won't go on a train.

She just sounds very selfish and manipulative to be honest.

Zazdar · 19/03/2022 18:36

So when landlines are phased out (I didn't know) what will be available for people like OPs Mum?

They aren’t being phased out as such. It’s just a different way of connecting. You will still be able to have a house phone.

Mountainpika · 19/03/2022 18:37

I'm 75 and use the internet. (Obviously as I'm posting here) Use it for all sorts of things. I have a mobile phone but rarely use it. More in case of emergency or occasional text messages. Don't keep it switched on. Husband is the same. We use a landline for calls.
Re shopping for someone else, OP, can your mother give you permission to pay her bills/shopping for her from her bank account? I did this for my aunt who lived 300 miles away and was well into her 80s. She'd phone me and tell me what bill needed paying and I'd do it online. Ask at her bank.

etulosba · 19/03/2022 18:40

My 86 year old mum who lives 4 hours away has always used mobile phones, iPad and laptop so will do FaceTime, online shopping and banking for herself and email, texts or what's app messages. She also drives so will do her own shopping normally but get online deliveries for heavy things. I think she is unusual for her age though.

She can’t be that unusual because you have just described my mother with uncanny detail.

berlinbabylon · 19/03/2022 18:51

@TraceyLacey

You can send a text to a landline. Their phone rings and an automated voice reads it out.

yes I used to do this with my dad from time to time as he was the same as the OP's mum and only had a landline (he did have a mobile too but it was an old one and always switched off)

berlinbabylon · 19/03/2022 18:53

As for the online orders thing, I used to use my dad's debit card details to place online orders for him when he stopped driving.

WutheringHeights66 · 19/03/2022 18:53

I feel sorry for your mum.

For those of us with elderly parents it isn’t that easy you know. Once day you will get older and realise you can’t actually keep up with technology and with family 100s of miles away it must be quite scary.

My mum is 85, mobile gets switch on if she needs to make a call for a taxi from the hospital then off again. She doesn’t hear the landline or doesn’t put it down properly so it’s engaged for hours.

If she doesn’t answer I try later, can’t you? I feel sad for your mum and all those mums and dads out there that can’t just order full fibre to their home, discuss their broadband upload speed and traffic prioritisation and then nip into Apple for the latest MacBook and download Teams and have a video call when you feel like sparing some time to call her.

If she’s never worked in an office or kept up with small changes she can’t be expected to want or be able to do it now. What about people with LD? Do they not count either.

I’m a technology product manager and I’m tired and bored of keeping up and I’m in my 50s, @LouisaLovesMice you sound like a new grad at my employer lol 😂, pretty sure we work for the same company only I’ve been there decades and seen it all now. Do you have elderly parents?

Have a bit of empathy guys.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 19/03/2022 18:57

Don’t assume everyone over 65 prefers not to use technology. Everyone I know over that age is competent, has a smart phone, iPad, laptop, banking apps etc.

FlibbertyGiblets · 19/03/2022 18:57

I would echo @RampantIvy and ask you to be aware that refusal to engage was a sign of developing Alzheimer's with my parent. Stubborn, mulish even. I wonder how much masking is going on, when was the last time you spent a length of time with her, OP? A couple of days back to back length of time. See what is going on with her cognition, like being able to lay the table for two instead of one person for example.

Try to not be too harsh.

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