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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM only has a landline..no internet, no mobile phone.

155 replies

sleaf · 19/03/2022 15:25

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and to vent. I love my DM very much but I'm frustrated and sad that communication is often very difficult.

She is 75, lives 3 hours away, lives alone and only has a landline which she often doesn't answer and goes to answerphone.

She has no WiFi or internet and although she has a mobile phone, does not use it despite being shown several times and at her request being given written instructions on how to. So quick communication via text or email isn't possible.

The only means of communication other than in person is her landline or sometimes by letter.

Probably irrelevant but she doesn't drive and never has.

I know I'm probably bring an awful daughter but being 3 hours away means I can't simply pop round to see her.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 19/03/2022 16:12

Surely the issue is that she doesn’t answer her landline, rather than not having a mobile or internet? You did say she doesn’t go out much.

Why doesn’t she answer it? Can you explain to her that if you can’t get hold of her, then you worry? Perhaps set up scheduled calls a few times a week so she’s expecting it?

ButtockUp · 19/03/2022 16:16

My mum is in her 80s and is very frail. She has multiple health issues and her understanding is deteriorating.
She lives over three hours away and is alone.
She only has a landline too.
Most of her friends have passed away and there is no one to help.

I wish I could do more for her.

You have my sympathies.

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 16:17

@19lottie82

Surely the issue is that she doesn’t answer her landline, rather than not having a mobile or internet? You did say she doesn’t go out much.

Why doesn’t she answer it? Can you explain to her that if you can’t get hold of her, then you worry? Perhaps set up scheduled calls a few times a week so she’s expecting it?

When she doesn't answer it's because she's cooking, in the garden, or just couldn't get to it in time.

I think setting up scheduled calls is probably the best idea.

OP posts:
FoxyFoxyLoxy · 19/03/2022 16:18

My parents are the same. Landline only. No internet. They have a shared mobile "burner" style phone, the old fashioned flip type on a pay as you go. It lives in a drawer and is never switched on.

During the pandemic things were very tricky as nearly everything moved online and they just can't access any of it.

There is a whole other level of stuff going on though, Mum has this sort of sneery attitude about technology that it's not for the likes of HER, that the internet is all porn and hackers, that it rots your brain, etc etc etc.

deadlanguage · 19/03/2022 16:22

It’s not your fault - it sounds like she is being awkward. If she wants more communication then she needs to answer the phone! It’s not on you to do all the legwork.

LouisaLovesMice · 19/03/2022 16:31

Does she know that landlines will be phased out in three years? Everyone who wants a house phone will need broadband and a router, and will use their house phone over the internet (VOIP). Maybe if you mention that and suggest setting it up for her sooner rather than later, that'll be step one at least! Once she has a router could you sneak other tech in slowly?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 19/03/2022 16:34

You can send a text to a landline. Their phone rings and an automated voice reads it out.

The only problem with that is that it can startle you and sound very much like a scam or sales call.

It does seem a real shame that the more likely somebody is to benefit from being 'connected', the less likely they are to be. Lots of frail, slow elderly folk with aches and pains and dodgy hips will trudge around the shops and to the postbox for something they could have done online in seconds; whilst the fit, healthy, bounding-with-energy 15yos are staying indoors and messaging their mates in the next room all the time.

I wonder if the coming changes to the telephone network might help encourage more older folk online. Once the 'standard' old call-only landlines have all gone (by 2025) and replaced by fibre/broadband lines with so much more potential just waiting there to be used, that might provide a spur to many to want to find out what other options are open to them and already connected.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 19/03/2022 16:35

X-posted with Louisa there!

JaceLancs · 19/03/2022 16:35

www.myhomehelper.co.uk/home/home.aspx
We got this for my Mum! Although she has Alzheimer’s
It allows us to face time her - send her photos and messages - because of her memory we put reminders on for her
She loves it! It’s about the size of an iPad and she does not have to do anything with it and cannot mess up the settings etc as we all do it online
You can choose who has access to it - and the level of permissions they have
Some of her more technically able friends just have the log in details for face time only access

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 16:36

@LouisaLovesMice

Does she know that landlines will be phased out in three years? Everyone who wants a house phone will need broadband and a router, and will use their house phone over the internet (VOIP). Maybe if you mention that and suggest setting it up for her sooner rather than later, that'll be step one at least! Once she has a router could you sneak other tech in slowly?
Yes, she knows landlines are being phased out and she is worried about this. She does not understand the internet. It will probably mean I go over spend time with her showing her how to use it but with her still not understanding it or using it.
OP posts:
RagzRebooted · 19/03/2022 16:36

@LouisaLovesMice

Does she know that landlines will be phased out in three years? Everyone who wants a house phone will need broadband and a router, and will use their house phone over the internet (VOIP). Maybe if you mention that and suggest setting it up for her sooner rather than later, that'll be step one at least! Once she has a router could you sneak other tech in slowly?
I was jaut about to post this, your Mum wya well not be aware of the coming changes. Would probably be better to get her closer to setting up sooner rather than later.

I also think some elderly people take pleasure in refusing to embrace technology and having other people do everything for them. As PP have said, it's not exactly new any more! Digital literacy is important. Many services are more accessible and more affordable if you use the Internet. It's just the way it is.

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 16:37

If she's cooking or gardening or just busy why are you upset that she doesnt answer.

She is a bit slow to get to the phone, ok, well can she have another phone put in somewhere else in the house

AuntieMarys · 19/03/2022 16:39

Any reason why she's refused to take part in the 21st century?

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 16:41

@bellac11

If she's cooking or gardening or just busy why are you upset that she doesnt answer.

She is a bit slow to get to the phone, ok, well can she have another phone put in somewhere else in the house

We got for her three battery powered landline phones to have around the house and so that she can carry one with her if she so wishes, but she won't use them. Only her old wall attached phone.
OP posts:
Chonfox · 19/03/2022 16:41

Jealous of her TBH. I'd love to live like that but I'm too addicted. I had no idea landlines were being phased out, so I guess I'll never have the chance to have a digital detox!

tulips27 · 19/03/2022 16:42

Yes, I don't recommend the idea of texting the landline. Someone did it to me by accident once and it rang very early in the morning and also the robotic voice was hard to understand. I didn't know you could do that and thought it was a scam!

I think you are right to be worried, people who are "offline" are being left behind, even by government services (e.g. pandemic apps and testing) and banking, and this will only get more pronounced over the coming years. Better for her to learn now, otherwise it will be an even bigger problem in as little as 4 or 5 years' time.

deadlanguage · 19/03/2022 16:45

She can use a basic mobile phone without needing to understand how to use the internet - she is just choosing not to.

Local libraries sometimes have classes in computer literacy for older people. Might be aimed at those older than her though, as PP have said this has all been around for a long time now! She must have only retired a decade or so ago, how did she avoid contact with the internet at work?

tulips27 · 19/03/2022 16:45

I would think about getting her an iPad, they seem to be a hit with people who are averse to technology.

Original poster
sleaf · 19/03/2022 16:49

@deadlanguage

She can use a basic mobile phone without needing to understand how to use the internet - she is just choosing not to.

Local libraries sometimes have classes in computer literacy for older people. Might be aimed at those older than her though, as PP have said this has all been around for a long time now! She must have only retired a decade or so ago, how did she avoid contact with the internet at work?

She's only ever worked in a shop or telesales (years ago), or childminding, which she stopped just before Covid hit. Not having email or the internet caused her a few problems with the childminding. I think she went to a few internet classes in the local library but stopped going.
OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 19/03/2022 17:01

I think your mum is being very unfair on you. It's unreasonable to expect help but make no adjustments to enable you to provide that help. At the very least, if she wants you to do an online order she could bring her bloody shopping list to the phone!

My similarly aged mum does have a mobile and internet, but even if she didnt she's perfectly capable of sorting her own shopping and banking. She's also often in the garden, out or doesn't hear the phone, but she can return a phone call.

Your mum chooses not to engage with technogy, i can understand that. But she needs to be better organised for you to help her: it sounds like she chooses to do that too which is not fair

SmellyWellyWoo · 19/03/2022 17:06

If she doesn't want to engage but is able to then I would refuse to anything for her that she won't learn herself.

maddiemookins16mum · 19/03/2022 17:08

My mum is dead now but she was the same.
However, despite living four hours away this was not a problem.
I phoned her daily (at the end of Emmerdale Farm or Eastenders). Even if she was still alive she would no doubt not have had interternet. She did have a basic mobile that she could use to ring me on, but she’d never use text.

maddiemookins16mum · 19/03/2022 17:11

I also did her an online shop, but had her card registered on the account, so the money came straight from her and I had her ‘favourites’ saved as a list.

MargosKaftan · 19/03/2022 17:11

Shes not that old and mobiles and Internet access aren't new things. My parents are similar ages and have had mobiles for over 20 years and Internet at home from around the millennium. Shes not just decided not to adopt a new thing, shes not engaged with normal communication for decades.

Dont make things harder for yourself because she won't learn. If she was still working just before the pandemic this isn't some doddery old dear who can't learn.

Call her once or twice a week at the same time. Leave a voicemail if zhes not there. Its not your job to work round her decision to isolate herself. She must know that this isn't how most people live.

megletthesecond · 19/03/2022 17:11

A 75yr old should be OK with mobiles and the internet. My mum manages just fine ordering shopping, banking and texting me.

She doesn't do social media or amazon though as she doesn't agree with them.