DM only has a landline..no internet, no mobile phone.

[sleaf]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic and to vent. I love my DM very much but I'm frustrated and sad that communication is often very difficult.

She is 75, lives 3 hours away, lives alone and only has a landline which she often doesn't answer and goes to answerphone.

She has no WiFi or internet and although she has a mobile phone, does not use it despite being shown several times and at her request being given written instructions on how to. So quick communication via text or email isn't possible.

The only means of communication other than in person is her landline or sometimes by letter.

Probably irrelevant but she doesn't drive and never has.

I know I'm probably bring an awful daughter but being 3 hours away means I can't simply pop round to see her.

Covid did have an impact on the non-online people, many then needed to rely on IT-savvy people to make life easier. It's a bit churlish really to then start blaming people for not knowing how to do these things now; moreso as most here agree that the majority of 'non-onliners' are elderly - and they haven't got younger in the last 2 years.

Even more churlish when you're helping your own DM, never mind anyone else. Laughable really when you think that people actually thought that banging their pots and pans on their doorstep once a week helped anybody.

My grandparents recently died at 90. They’ve had a computer/the internet for the past 15 years and regularly sent emails. You almost have to be engaged with the net these days to function in society.

Just have a set time to call like I did with my elderly ratives pre mobiles & internet. And if she can afford taxis I'm sure a couple of heavy shopping bags aren't really an issue if she has no disability or physical frailty. Just tell her it's a faff having to go to the bank to pay in cheques & if she refuses the debit card option i would bow out of doing her shopping.

So when landlines are phased out (I didn't know) what will be available for people like OPs Mum?

They aren’t being phased out as such. It’s just a different way of connecting. You will still be able to have a house phone.

I presume that, as far as the end-user is concerned, they will have a different handset but otherwise be able to use it exactly as before. Many calls currently received on a traditional (PSTN) handset will originate via VoIP technology.

I don't know what will happen with local area codes - I'm guessing that they will still be issued to those who want them - as you can 'present' using pretty much any number already (whether you have the legitimate right to do so or you're a scammer hijacking somebody else's without their knowledge), but they won't have any actual meaning. Will local telephone exchanges be needed any more? I'm guessing not.

Does anybody know how charging will happen when all calls are made by VoIP? Will it just be 'free' as with all other internet usage, once you've paid for your connection, or will they find a way to still make you pay far more than it actually costs?

I hope technology will be able to improve the sound quality before landlines are phased out. We rarely use our landline now, but the sound quality on our landline is so much better than any mobile call or VOIP call.

Unfortunately, I suppose that those who will have a broadband-provided phone but don't really know/think/care that it's actually a broadband line will probably not be savvy enough (or even have a suitable device) to monitor the internet connection and report/complain about speeds, throttling, package loss or any other connection issues.

There may be ongoing issues that could/should be fixed if reported, but they will probably just sigh at having had a bad connection for that particular call and hope (in vain) they get a better one next time.

I do hope there will be some kind of ongoing proactive support package for people in this position.

Does you mum have a laptop with an email address & account setup? Can she use a computer? If that's a no then having broadband is null & void. You need to realise that not everyone wants to embrace tech in 2022. That's your mum's choice.

It would seem wise to encourage her to shopping with neighbours, or be dropped off, then shopping will not fall to you.
Get her a big basic mobile, with contract to you

I really think anyone can learn if they have the desire to. My grandma was widowed 15 years ago and since then has embraced texting and then whatsapp - she is active on our family group and in contact with as many people as possible. She's 94 but in good health. Still gets frustrated with online stuff, forgetting passwords etc but we all help her.

I think it's OK actually, my mum takes a while to answer the phone but if I phone twice consequentially she gets there!
Tbh landline is probably a but more reliable than a mobile, doesn't need charging, always has signal and you know where it is!
I expect your mum us quite happy with the arrangement, it's just how it's always been for her. I now sometimes get a bit anxious if I forget my mobile or its out of charge but then I remembered I managed the first 25 years if my life without one quite successfully!
The only thing is,as I found out quite recently, there are literally no telephone boxes anymore!

@sleaf, you are not a bad daughter, and regardless if the aspersions being cast in your direction on this thread, you are not a bad person.

My mum has of her own volition chosen not to have a close relationship with her grandchildren who live in the US. She won't learn to text or take photos with her phone - we have tried many times to teach her - won't learn to use WhatsApp, in fact insisted on a basic kid phone when her old one packed it in a few months ago, so now she has a good excuse for avoiding new skills. Dsis buys her phones, gets her contracts set up. She has offered to buy her tablets and a laptop over the years, but DM has always said No even though the benefits have been explained, including reducing or even eliminating the cost of transatlantic calls.

How does someone choose to scuttle the chance of a close relationship with people who love her? This is effectively what she did when she chose again and again to avoid venturing outside of her comfort zone over the last few decades.

The (now adult) DCs call DM's landline, and everyone sends cards back and forth, but there could be so much more contact, so much more familiarity.

My FIL is the same with the added complication that he's profoundly deaf and 91

We've tried and tried but he's happy as he is and we have accepted that's how it is. He has neighbours who check on him and a cleaner who comes in every week? There's only so much you can do.

Does anybody know how charging will happen when all calls are made by VoIP? Will it just be 'free' as with all other internet usage, once you've paid for your connection, or will they find a way to still make you pay far more than it actually costs?

VOIP isn’t free now except in some specific cases. As I understand it, you keep your current number but need to plug your phone into an internet router. In effect, you still have a landline but it only handles data rather than data and voice as it does currently.

She should be doing her own online shopping

I don’t think there’s much you can do
My MIL is 73 and has a tablet and iPhone we bought her. She won’t even write a text because she says she is ‘scared to put the wrong thing’. She will occasionally answer her mobile but doesn’t take it out with her. However if we don’t answer our phones to her on the first ring she rings and rings up to 6 or 7 times so you think there’s so dire emergency! And then she says ‘you younger generation have it easy you can just go on your phones and order things and look at all sorts’ . So could you but you wouldn’t engage with the course we took you to at the library, or the times we sat showing you how to do stuff!

My parents are in their 60s and do online banking, book holidays, have a mac computer and iPads etc. my mum uses computers every day at work

I understand people in their 80s/90s but for someone early 70s I think it’s really not impossible to be able to send a text

Having said that my grandma is 85 and runs an eBay shop! She only sells two or three things a week but still. She learned because she wanted to. I think with my MIL she enjoys the helplessness in a way. She wants something specific so she has to get one of us or one of the older grandkids to take her out to the shop for it, it becomes a whole morning or afternoon. She needs an number for a plumber and she just asks her sons and they sort it all for her down to going round and letting the plumber in and everything. She wants to see pics of someone’s baby, so we have to go round sit with her and show her their Facebook profile and send a message on her behalf to say how she doesn’t do technology but wanted to make the effort to look on the Facebook. It creates a whole thing around it. I know I’ll be called all sorts for saying that on here as everyone over 65 is deemed as some sort of elderly vulnerable innocent who can do no wrong, but it’s true !

@sleaf

It's just frustrating sometimes for me is all. It would just be good sometimes if I could send her a quick text and vice versa rather than call. She also talks very quietly and I sometimes can't hear her.

I know I am being selfish.

She's just called me to place an online food delivery order. So I started up my laptop, went to the retailer site. When I asked her what she wanted me to order she had to go off and get her list. It was a very tedious call. I've now come off the call completely drained and at the point of tears.

As she doesn't do online banking, I always pay for her shopping. It takes weeks for her to eventually send a cheque.

Just wish things could be easier.

If she's relying on you to do those things, you're not being selfish in any way at all. You need to tell her how difficult it's becoming for you and ask what are her options for managing her own shopping. She is being unnecessarily stubborn. Tell her these things are set up for the most basic intelligence to use. What was her job? I bet she's able to use the most basic things such as a calculator, set a burglar alarm, use a cooker, washing machine. It's no different.

Various PP talking about phasing out of landlines .. yes the network will be replaced by a new digital network, however despite having a new router customers will still be able to plug their existing landline phone in the back (they’ll just have a router and won’t get extra benefits of digital like HD sound and simultaneous calling)

OP, for elderly parents during lockdown we set up a delivery account in parents name at their address. Much easier as it takes directly from their account. We log in to that account (not our own) to place an order.

Long before internet but my
Mum and gran 7 o clock daily would be on the phone to one another. Just set a time that you will call daily. If she answers fine if she doesn’t still fine. I honestly can’t believe you come off a call stressed from taking her internet shopping. She needs to provide you over the phone with a quick list rather than you ordering from the site as she’s on the phone.

Paying for her shopping is out of order. She needs to send you money via her bank by going in and setting up a standing order or something. Or send you a monthly cheque to cover things same day each month

I'm still unsure what is the actual problem. She is poorly and needs to have a phone close to her life security? General preparing for the future? Is she complaining about something that a mobilephone would solve?

Ah there was a clitsh and it didn't show all of ops messages. So she expects you to do her online stuff.

I can understand a shopping call like that would be incredibly frustrating - easy to post at the time even if you don't always feel like that!

I would certainly say that broaching the idea of a lasting power of attorney, ideally both for health and for finances but at a minimum for finances, would be 100% worth it. I sold it to my mum by saying that it would be for her to make the decisions but that I could then do the running around. And for the first couple of years that's exactly how it worked. Then she had a kind of stroke. Now I run her affairs. The ability to do that online and to have debit card access to her bank account is great. But it's true as pps say that you can get yourself added to her bank account, again quite effortful in the process but a great outcome.

OP you have my sympathy. We tried to look after FIL in this situation. Despite what any posters say, it’s very difficult and throws up lots of unexpected and difficult problems. I had the same with the shopping but that was only one of a myriad of problems. I would try to encourage her to get home broadband and a large smartphone for her own safety. There are loads of things we had to do for FIL that were internet only. There are plenty of people in their 80s and 90s using smartphones - all of the 75yo that I know all have smartphones.

Regarding paying for the shopping, she needs to give you her payment card details when she gives you the order, if she doesn't have one she needs to get one.