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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
justasmalltownmum · 19/03/2022 23:17

Do not do it up. If it is as desirable as you say, then someone else will swap.

Leftbutcameback · 19/03/2022 23:21

So it's sounds as is the swap is great for both parties, so just stick to your guns OP. She is trying it on and will agree in the end.

The thing I'm confused about is as the swap hasn't been approved because of the kitchen are both you and the other person prepared to wait? It doesn't sound as if you have any choice? Good luck!

Yoloohno · 19/03/2022 23:24

Honestly home swapping is not as simple, I’m looking for a certain type of property, I’ll swap with someone who is desperate for mine that fits my criteria as long as there’s equal. Not with a falling apart kitchen and poor decor when mine isn’t like that.

If you want something specific make it worthwhile, im happy to stay while I wait.

hopeso · 19/03/2022 23:31

I fully understand why you want to move, OP. The reasons are not for this thread and derail from the main point which is the CFery of this woman. What I can't understand is how the swap can still go ahead if the council are saying it can't until the kitchen is done up, and the kitchen can't be done up for some months? Does that mean she is prepared to wait or she wants you to do the work despite what the council says? Either way, you can't win with this woman. It will be pressure to get the work done yourself or months of pressure from her while you wait for the council to do it.

Obviously, you can't do the work yourself - you would probably be in breach of your tenancy agreement and the council may make you undo the work. That would be all your savings down the drain and no closer to the move. Even if you lose the town house because of this woman, your house sounds so great I imagine you would be able to find someone else in an area that works for you. I honestly think you need to get rid of this person and start looking for someone else. Or at least put feelers out for now. And please don't let this horrible person get the better of you. After all, you have what she REALLY wants but she's acting like this to make it seem like she's not desperate and she is also a very unpleasant person.

Try to get a time scale from the council/HA so you as a family can work towards that goal. Good luck.

userxzfyjoot · 20/03/2022 01:42

OP if you moved into the house with your eldest whilst pregnant with dc2 and the house is 15 years old then your eldest must be at an age where they can drive now or surely close to the age?

I'd spend your savings on therapy and driving lessons.

I'd also ask the GP for some anti depressants if you're not already on some.

LimeSegment · 20/03/2022 05:08

[quote tearingmyhearout242]@LimeSegment She isn’t compromising on location to have our house. She wants the countryside, in fact she specifically joined the home swap-site wanting rural.

The village is a lovely place if you can drive.

She really is winning in every aspect here, that’s why I’m so stunned at her behaviour.[/quote]
Fair enough she wants the countryside, but obviously she is aware that many people don't so that factors in to how desirable the property is. I just don't think you can say that the house is destroying your teenagers lives, you also don't like it, the kitchen isn't fit for purpose and it's run down, but also it's so amazing and she is so so lucky. Just keep it in perspective thats all.

Ikeptgoing · 20/03/2022 07:26

So, the HA won't approve a house swop until they do the work in your kitchen. They aren't in a hurry. Your first job is to chase that and write complaints and escalate it in due course (after trying previous request for work and date, then complaint options) to your MP. Nothing can be done about that

Ignore the CF woman's whining like you would a child's. She has asked you to spend your savings on her!!! What she (princess) wants done on the house your are leaving. Your DH told her no. She can try to guilt trip (what guilt?!) all she wants but I'd be texting back "stop asking us for money or to redecorate for you. We said no. Do you want the house swop or not? We will look for another house swop if not."

Then put your house back on and put advert in local Fb groups etc (not with your address but approx details) in areas you want to move to- PP are right others who may want to swop houses may not have put their house on swop site as not expecting option like yours. Seeing a real option may make several people jump at chance and open up your options. I bet you get a few more offers and that CF woman rethinks and packs in the shenanigans.

Heronwatcher · 20/03/2022 07:34

I’d pull out of this swap (my money would be on this woman refusing at the last minute), sort the kitchen as cheaply as possible and then look for another. It sounds like you’ll get one quickly. In the meantime get your kids to co-ordinate their social activities so that you can offer one lift for them both at the same time, for example if they both go to a friend’s Wed and Sat.

BorsetshireBanality · 20/03/2022 10:41

If she were buying a property she’s the type to drop ok £20 k off agreed price the day before exchange!

She’s a cheeky f**ker alright!

IncompleteSenten · 20/03/2022 12:27

@tearingmyhearout242

Update for anyone bothered.

I had a meltdown about it today and just told DH to call her bluff if that’s what he wants. I told him to take control.

He text her, explaining we can’t do the house up and was honest about the fact that we’ve saved money to do up our new house, not this one.

She’s replied trying to guilt trip us, saying the move probably can’t go ahead now and she’s just absolutely gutted about it and her daughter is sad because they’ve already made plans for her new bedroom.

We think she’s going to come back.

Easy reply there - well, move as is like we are willing to do. It's your choice.
Sexnotgender · 20/03/2022 12:36

Totally call her bluff. Don’t back down.

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Squeezita · 20/03/2022 12:58

[quote MotherofAutism]**@PiperPosey* I live in USA and don't know anything about Councils or House swapping*

Nice little irrelevant stealth brag you've managed to wangle in there.......Hmm[/quote]
How is that a stealth brag?

Maybe Piper rents in the US?

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 13:04

Jesus f'ing christ will people just BACK OFF** and accept that OP WANTS TO MOVE!!!!!!! She does NOT have to justify why!!!!

STOP trying to come up with ridiculous, middle class affordable-only 'solutions' to enable them to stay - THEY WANT TO MOVE! End of discussion.

Goodness me

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 13:05

Can we now just give support & advice to OP, which is what she's come here for!!!!!

WallaceinAnderland · 20/03/2022 13:18

@tearingmyhearout242

Update for anyone bothered.

I had a meltdown about it today and just told DH to call her bluff if that’s what he wants. I told him to take control.

He text her, explaining we can’t do the house up and was honest about the fact that we’ve saved money to do up our new house, not this one.

She’s replied trying to guilt trip us, saying the move probably can’t go ahead now and she’s just absolutely gutted about it and her daughter is sad because they’ve already made plans for her new bedroom.

We think she’s going to come back.

This was a good move. It puts you back in control. There is a good chance she will still want to swap but stand firm and don't spend any money on the house as you will need it for your new one. That's what you're offering, she can take it or leave it.
RandomBasic · 20/03/2022 13:36

@MotherofAutism

Jesus f'ing christ will people just BACK OFF** and accept that OP WANTS TO MOVE!!!!!!! She does NOT have to justify why!!!!

STOP trying to come up with ridiculous, middle class affordable-only 'solutions' to enable them to stay - THEY WANT TO MOVE! End of discussion.

Goodness me

When you consult the hive mind you are going to get many points of view.

Op's problem is not the lack of transport, but the location.

OP says she can't drive for psychological reasons. But within a couple of years OPs teens, even one of them will be old enough to drive.

Op wants more money with a job in town. But there are a lot of full time work from home jobs now. Or DH can drop her off and pick her up.any families have one car.

8miles is very doable on an electric bicycle. You don't get tired like on a normal bike and it is not as fast as a moped.

RandomBasic · 20/03/2022 13:37

*op's problem is not the location, but a lack of transport.

RandomBasic · 20/03/2022 13:40

And if my child had a friend who lived in the middle of nowhere, if I was asked, for the cost of extra petrol (e.g. £5 there and back) I would be happy to drive them a couple of times a week. Has op even asked?

WisherWood · 20/03/2022 14:24

But within a couple of years OPs teens, even one of them will be old enough to drive.

They'll be old enough to learn but the OP has said the family budget is tight. Driving lessons are expensive. If the teens wanted to pay for driving lessons themselves they'd need work, which would be impossible for them to get to where they currently live. E-bikes are great, I agree, but they are also not cheap to buy.

The OP obviously really wants to move. She has explained why repeatedly. That being the case I think her best bet is to do what others have suggested - say no to the CF and look for a house swap elsewhere. As more people now can WFH she may find more people wanting to bail out of precisely the kind of place she's looking for.

Jedsnewstar · 20/03/2022 14:36

I can’t believe you would even consider using savings to do someone else’s house up. Tell her to do one. She knows how desperate you are and is exploiting it.

Squeezita · 20/03/2022 14:41

@MotherofAutism

Can we now just give support & advice to OP, which is what she's come here for!!!!!
Maybe you should take your own advice instead of accusing someone who was actually supporting OP of stealth bragging because she lives in the US.
MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 14:42

@RandomBasic You are not a Magistrate! And OP does not have to 'justify' to you, her need or desire to move ffs!!!!

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 14:43

@Squeezita You've confused two of my posts and have mistaken a PP's post as being by the OP! 🤣

I think you should start the thread again

Squeezita · 20/03/2022 14:47

[quote MotherofAutism]@Squeezita You've confused two of my posts and have mistaken a PP's post as being by the OP! 🤣

I think you should start the thread again [/quote]
I haven’t confused anything. You accused PiperPosey of stealth bragging merely because she said she said she lives in the US and therefore isn’t familiar with council houses etc.

Read your own posts.