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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 20/03/2022 18:23

@tearingmyhearout242

She came up with this big conspiracy. “Ah that’s why you’re so desperate to get rid of the house, because of HS2. And that’s why you didn’t tell me about it, you’re deceitful.” Except with a lot more swear words.

I insisted I didn’t know about it and I didn’t intentionally keep it from her and she got over it eventually.

I’ll fully admit I have anxiety and I’m scared of her now.

It’s not worth it.

Sorry. But being scared of someone and losing your house which right now is your greatest asset. Isn’t worth it.

Another house will come along. I know it. We’ve always got houses available for swap here and this is a highly desirable area too.

Nocutenamesleft · 20/03/2022 18:26

Plus. You can’t physically swap now anyway. Because the council won’t approve it

LoisLane66 · 20/03/2022 18:35

There are two sides to every story. I always keep that in mind.

BooneyBeautiful · 20/03/2022 18:38

@Whatinthelord

Is she likely to pull out if you refuse. I suspect not if your current house is as nice as it is. Can’t imagine there are many other house swaps available in a cul de sac with a big garden etc.

I’d call her bluff and just say no.

This.
Strangeways19 · 20/03/2022 18:41

I don't think that this woman is being reasonable with her demands - even if you were buying & selling you wouldn't ask someone to redecorate that's so rude & unreasonable. I'd tell her no, straight. I'm sure you'll find something else that's better you don't need this nonsense.

threatmatrix · 20/03/2022 18:54

Say you are happy to do this as long as she does the same.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 20/03/2022 18:56

This CF needs a comeuppance! Find a way to make her sweat OP!

Passenger42 · 20/03/2022 18:57

I don’t think this woman with the town house has any intention of moving. I think she is enjoying winding you up, hence the demands as she knows you won’t be able to meet them. Rather than her saying I’m not interested anymore after the wait for a kitchen, she is looking to put obstacles up such as ponds and new painted walls. There are some nutters out there that enjoy the drama and she might like wasting people time loooking for swaps. Start looking at other ways of getting interest in your house, maybe Facebook.

Try take some steps to over come the driving issues, maybe look at using an automatic car rather than gears, don’t give up on that and let your fears ruin your life.

Forget this awful woman and try searching for a new exchange, it was not meant to be. If you want to enhance your chances in your own time get rid of the pond. I used bricks from the pond surrounding to fill mine in and got earth from a building project. It wasn’t as hard as I thought.

Good luck x

Darklightening · 20/03/2022 18:58

I’d hold your nerve and keep looking. You could spend all your savings and then have her pull out. I know it must be difficult but she sounds like a total chancer.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/03/2022 19:01

I don't understand the comments about the kitchen either. How can it be reasonable to take apart a kitchen cupboard to declare it 'unfit' and then also have the audacity to say you won't replace it!

I don't blame you for wanting to move OP, I couldn't live rurally. I suspect she'll 'grudgingly' accept what your husband has said.

Either way, good luck.

Mandyjack · 20/03/2022 19:08

I'd pull out, if your house is in a desirable area you're bound to get other offers. Never heard such a thing for a swap! I wouldn't even meet such demands if I was selling!
As for the council, can't see how they can refuse you to sell

Mandyjack · 20/03/2022 19:11

@Newjourney2894

Hi OP! I work for a housing association and I can assure you they can still refuse the swap and it is more than likely a breach of your tenancy agreement if you do the kitchen yourself. The main reason being that they will have to rip it out if you handed in your notice and left the property otherwise they would have to accept responsibility to repair anything in the kitchen or advise any new tenant it was gifted to them on sign up.

It is one reason why they tell you to remove carpets and any other fixtures on departure otherwise they become legally responsible. This is usually different with a mutual exchange as you accept the properties how you see them so carpets etc are left in. There is no void period with a mutual exchange where a team will come in and return to HA standard.

The other party making such demands is absolutely crazy because as i say you have to accept the properties how you find them unless there are any standard repairs which require sorting by the housing provider.

It should like it is a mutual exchange? What's the difference? I've previously lived in council and HA Houses and they are pretty much a mess when you take them on. Never know any social housing do up voids before they rent them out again.
OMG13 · 20/03/2022 19:13

Call her bluff and walk away. Please.

Dragonsmother · 20/03/2022 19:23

Walk away, I would not trust her with the attitude and immaturity she is displaying.

It should be 2 ways- you are not selling and she is not the buyer. There is no middle person negotiating for you both.

If she wants you to do you the house- she should reciprocate and do her house up for you.
You are desperate to move and she knows and is pulling lots of cheeky demands.

Buying a house years ago an estate agent once told me- put your offer on the table and never show your hand, keep your cool.

evtheria · 20/03/2022 19:24

OP, I don’t drive either and I have experienced living far from town/friends with poor public transport... I really do not underestimate the reasons for wanting to move.

But you are getting fucked over with this woman (and the council!).

Lemonlady22 · 20/03/2022 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 19:37

@PegasusReturns

You have Zeno Right to tell OP what her issue is or isn't! If she wants to move house then she bloody well can do with or without your permission

Except she can’t can just move house can she?! Because despite being on the list (perhaps for some time?) this is the only potential swap available.

Spending all of the small amount of savings they have on doing work on someone else’s house is crazy. So this move doesn’t appear to be the right one and there may be some options - even if they are only short term - that might alleviate some of the OPs current hardship.

She can still swap without giving in to this woman's demands! There will be other houses. I'm on swap groups and there's loads of people wanting to swap. There will be something else in the area she wants, especially if she posts her lovely house regularly!
RandomBasic · 20/03/2022 19:38

@MotherofAutism

OP has asked the general public for opinions. I, a member of the public, have given an opinion

My opinion is that OP loves her house. The problem - in my opinion - is that she and her teenagers are not able to get around and she can't drive due to trauma and she doesn't want her kids on mopeds and is on a limited budget.

So OP has been given many, many suggestions to get around that including:

  • Using the renovation savings to pay for an older teen to get a driving license.

  • When they pass they can get an old car, by taking out a loan and the teen can get a part time job towards repayment.

  • Op works part time and they are on a low income. Doing one extra day per week via remote working (of which there are more jobs around now) would pay for a taxi for op and the teens.

*DH can go back to working full time and the teens can stay in the local library for three hours instead of being picked up at 3. Or pay £2 for a coffee to do homework in a cafe until DH picks them up. With the extra money they each get x2 taxi rides each paid for. This arrangement is for 3 years max. Homework gets done and they get to socialise more. Instead of going to the library, they could even go to a friend's house after school and DH could pick them up there.

  • On the nextdoor app for example OP can say she needs three return lifts into town per week but can't afford the cost of taxis. A neighbor, who is probably going anyway would probably be glad of an extra £10 per return journey. Same goes for asking parents of school friends for lifts if op covers petrol.

  • The council is supposed to arrange school transport for children in remote areas. They won't come up to you and offer, you need to chase.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 20/03/2022 19:41

OP I fully understand why you want to move.

I was brought up in rural isolation, that's how my family live now. It is often shit for teens, being reliant on cars for everything and life as a taxi service.

Just encourage your DH to keep very calm and firm with this manipulative CF. "We are very happy to go ahead with the exchange, and are happy to leave our shed at no additional cost. However as the property is in roughly the same state of repair (or better) than yours we are not able to make any improvements, decorations or refurbs before we move out. Let us know what you would like to do before we start looking for another exchange"

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 19:46

[quote RandomBasic]@MotherofAutism

OP has asked the general public for opinions. I, a member of the public, have given an opinion

My opinion is that OP loves her house. The problem - in my opinion - is that she and her teenagers are not able to get around and she can't drive due to trauma and she doesn't want her kids on mopeds and is on a limited budget.

So OP has been given many, many suggestions to get around that including:

  • Using the renovation savings to pay for an older teen to get a driving license.

  • When they pass they can get an old car, by taking out a loan and the teen can get a part time job towards repayment.

  • Op works part time and they are on a low income. Doing one extra day per week via remote working (of which there are more jobs around now) would pay for a taxi for op and the teens.

*DH can go back to working full time and the teens can stay in the local library for three hours instead of being picked up at 3. Or pay £2 for a coffee to do homework in a cafe until DH picks them up. With the extra money they each get x2 taxi rides each paid for. This arrangement is for 3 years max. Homework gets done and they get to socialise more. Instead of going to the library, they could even go to a friend's house after school and DH could pick them up there.

  • On the nextdoor app for example OP can say she needs three return lifts into town per week but can't afford the cost of taxis. A neighbor, who is probably going anyway would probably be glad of an extra £10 per return journey. Same goes for asking parents of school friends for lifts if op covers petrol.

  • The council is supposed to arrange school transport for children in remote areas. They won't come up to you and offer, you need to chase.[/quote]
    I'm not even reading that essay! 😆 You need to get a hobby or something, seriously. As I said before, Despite your bullet points, OP is well within her right to move if she wants! She has repeatedly posted and said that she WANTS to move! She has reiterated this MULTIPLE times and followed with "Honestly, not moving is not an option" and has repeatedly asked PPs to not keep interrogating her on why! Yet here you are with your bullet points......

CountryMouse22 · 20/03/2022 19:48

If you're moving solely due to the DC and their needs, bear in mind that may well leave home in a few years anyway and you'd have lost your nice house with shed.

Sorry if this is a repetition, I didn't read the whole thread.

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 19:49

@RandomBasic OP hasn't even come back to this thread today, no doubt due to sheer frustration from posters like yourself. Totally missing the point of her post to begin with 🤷🏼‍♀️

Merryweather80 · 20/03/2022 20:01

She ought to consider her position carefully. We are in a HA property partly due to my disabilities. There was nothing available that was wheelchair accessible. However, we are desperate to move there’s five of us in a very very small two bedroom house. No drive, tiny garden, neighbours from hell. There’s nothing available for us to move to. So we’re stuck here three years on. It’s awful for the children. There’s no room for them to have friends over. I feel like I’ll die in this house at this rate. If anyone offered me your property I would be nothing but grateful and overjoyed at the prospect not arsey and rude.

dragonflygirl1 · 20/03/2022 20:21

Can you move to a privately rented home? Not knowing where you are, sometimes it just helps you feel more in control of where you are and it means you can move whenever you are ready. I know it's more expensive but some areas are closer in price between council rents and private rents than others. I had to make a similar choice quite a few years ago. I did a council swap to a much worse house in a worse area to be closer to friends and have more space for my daughter, then a few years later gave up the council house to live where I wanted to. It worked out for the best. I hope you find a solution soon.

TallulahTumeric · 20/03/2022 20:25

OP, are you on the housing register for social housing in your local area? There's a misconception that if you're already in social housing you won't qualify, however if you have a housing need then you likely will. Each local authority has a different allocations policy however I'd think you'd qualify due to being isolated with a need to move for your welfare.

I'd sack this swap off. The swapper sounds more trouble than it's worth. I hope you get your move soon.