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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
stickystick · 20/03/2022 22:49

Look for another swapper elsewhere in a few months once the kitchen is done. If your house is as naice as you say there won’t be a shortage of takers.

Your kids will survive.

browneyes77 · 20/03/2022 23:00

Also. I live in a 1 bed flat on the first floor, with a nightmare neighbour below.

I would give my right arm to live in a location such as yours. Seems to me, she’s just trying to push you into upgrading the kitchen so she doesn’t have to wait for the HA to do it.

I suspect she’ll repent and do the swap. She’s just pushing her luck. Don’t tell her any more about your savings. Now she knows you have the money to do it, she’ll likely try her luck even more. Don’t succumb.

And if she mentions it I’d tell her due to the state of her home, you’ll need the money to upgrade the kitchen she’s leaving you!

FrozenWillow263 · 20/03/2022 23:30

I understand your plight. I too am in a housing association tenancy - costs £40 more expensive per week than the council for rent for a start. We have put a lot of work into this house, new shower ourselves because they would not do it for us and said we would get one in a couple of years. We moved into a house that had single glazing and electric heating which cost us a fortune to heat and one bath every day of tepid water to go around 6 of us. It really did hit my own mental health. I got the shower fitted so I could at least feel clean. A year later they put in GCH and a year after that, double glazing. Then the year after that, they ripped out the fairly decent kitchen we had moved into (we think the previous tenant had it done and put in a kitchen that is literally falling to bits now. Doors hanging off the chipboard units. They were also meant to put in a new bathroom at that point which they never even touched. Housing inspector said we already had a new bathroom as he was looking from the bottom of the stairs, never even set foot in it.

We've done the garden up, putting a nice patio out back, slabbed, some decking, astroturf and I really, really do not wish to swap with anyone at all. We want to save enough money now for a deposit on a mortage instead. Not moving from a relatively decent-ish house to a shithole, so we are biding our time. I'm not naming the housing association, but our shower has not been working since 6 months after covid began. Reported it. Not their responsibility apparently, even though everyone else got a brand new shower same time as they got their kitchens done.

Being a tenant is a joke. They take the absolute pee out of us. I completely understand where you are coming from. I hope you find a different tenancy to swap to, because this person, definitely is being a CF and would not give her the satisfaction!

Ineke · 21/03/2022 00:31

Could you just paint the kitchen cupboard doors to freshen it up. I would also say no to new lawn, refilling the pond and her other demands unless you do a tit for tat. She does something you would like in return.
It’s difficult to get a swap with someone who has something you like/want. I would suspect that she is not really fully committed to the swap if she is adding all sorts of conditions. You may find that you do what she asks and then she pulls out. If she really wanted your house she would take it as it is and do the home improvement her self. Negotiations are the best way forward.

Chattycatty · 21/03/2022 00:46

Not read all the thread so not sure if its been suggested but maybe do a leaflet drop in any area you'd consider living in offering a swap. Someone else might be interested then CF is out of the picture.

Ineke · 21/03/2022 00:51

I knew someone who lived in a remote village with no buses. The council paid and provided for a taxi to pick up and drop off again to school.

Kjpt140v · 21/03/2022 01:01

This reply has been deleted

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userxzfyjoot · 21/03/2022 05:02

@FrozenWillow263

I understand your plight. I too am in a housing association tenancy - costs £40 more expensive per week than the council for rent for a start. We have put a lot of work into this house, new shower ourselves because they would not do it for us and said we would get one in a couple of years. We moved into a house that had single glazing and electric heating which cost us a fortune to heat and one bath every day of tepid water to go around 6 of us. It really did hit my own mental health. I got the shower fitted so I could at least feel clean. A year later they put in GCH and a year after that, double glazing. Then the year after that, they ripped out the fairly decent kitchen we had moved into (we think the previous tenant had it done and put in a kitchen that is literally falling to bits now. Doors hanging off the chipboard units. They were also meant to put in a new bathroom at that point which they never even touched. Housing inspector said we already had a new bathroom as he was looking from the bottom of the stairs, never even set foot in it.

We've done the garden up, putting a nice patio out back, slabbed, some decking, astroturf and I really, really do not wish to swap with anyone at all. We want to save enough money now for a deposit on a mortage instead. Not moving from a relatively decent-ish house to a shithole, so we are biding our time. I'm not naming the housing association, but our shower has not been working since 6 months after covid began. Reported it. Not their responsibility apparently, even though everyone else got a brand new shower same time as they got their kitchens done.

Being a tenant is a joke. They take the absolute pee out of us. I completely understand where you are coming from. I hope you find a different tenancy to swap to, because this person, definitely is being a CF and would not give her the satisfaction!

The benefit of HA/ Social housing is that you have a house for life. You don't have the threat of homelessness looming over you.
Ddot · 21/03/2022 07:23

Tell her she takes as is or you forget it. I think you will find she changes her tune

mangipops · 21/03/2022 07:46

A mutual exchange is where each person accepts the other's property in the condition it is in. Your landlord does a check prior to agreement and both landlords should notify each of you of what they will become responsible for i.e. if you had changed your kitchen the other party would have to agree to accept this kitchen (but you should have got permission first before changing). I believe that social providers have legal reasons why they can refuse an exchange but from years of experience of mutual exchanges have never heard of refusing because the landlord has not put in a new kitchen - check with a CAB office on this or SHELTER. Be wary of the buyer wanting so much done - you may well regret this. Also most important, check that you are getting the same protection when you exchange i.e. secure tenancy, right to acquire etc as some people do not have this more than once. Not all good roads have good neighbours (even either side of them) so again look into this.

FrozenWillow263 · 21/03/2022 09:25

Quoting userxzyfjoot

"The benefit of HA/ Social housing is that you have a house for life. You don't have the threat of homelessness looming over you."

Have you ever been in social housing before in the UK? Do you really think that people do not become homeless from social housing? Would you like to see the amount of eviction notices that people have gotten because they are behind on rent down to losing their job and waiting for Universal Credit to start paying until they can get back on their feet again into another job? In some of the most direst of cases the council/HA evicting them before UC pull out their finger!

No my dear. There is a threat of homelesseness even in social housing. You are clearly misinformed.

Ratatoo · 21/03/2022 09:31

She'll be back. Cheeky fucker

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 21/03/2022 11:35

@cataline

Honestly? I'd tell her and the HA to get to fuck and look for an alternative. Any alternative!
This. Why are you entertaining this entitled woman. It's ridiculously cheap rent compared to the private sector.

Have a look for another swap with someone else in a town setting.

userxzfyjoot · 21/03/2022 11:57

@FrozenWillow263

Quoting userxzyfjoot

"The benefit of HA/ Social housing is that you have a house for life. You don't have the threat of homelessness looming over you."

Have you ever been in social housing before in the UK? Do you really think that people do not become homeless from social housing? Would you like to see the amount of eviction notices that people have gotten because they are behind on rent down to losing their job and waiting for Universal Credit to start paying until they can get back on their feet again into another job? In some of the most direst of cases the council/HA evicting them before UC pull out their finger!

No my dear. There is a threat of homelesseness even in social housing. You are clearly misinformed.

So housing associations and councils can evict tenants for no reason? They can decide to sell the houses at any point and evict you?
Shanda5 · 21/03/2022 14:20

OP are you in a council property or a housing association property? Does the (horrible) lady you want to swap with have a different landlord?

bemusedmoose · 22/03/2022 11:43

wholy crap - ditch her - i'll take it no questions asked!! Some people are CFs!!

I know when i leave my place i have to have the carpets professionally cleaned, all wall and wood work repainted and basically make it ready to move it to (it's in the contract) but i find that a bit CF as most people will redecorate any way although i agree to leaving it nice and clean (not like the kitchen that was supposed to be clean - my hand stuck to the top of the cupboards. Also i know the kitchen is going to loose me my security because the bloody thing has doors falling off (it was put in early 80s and has never been updated) it's 40 years old and knackered, it was already a little chipped and cracked when i moved in but that means the moisture gets to the chips board inside and well - it's the same age as me and im not looky my best either. But it will be my fault i know it so your 15 year old kitch actually sounds like a dream!!

I want to know which assoc. and where because i want to move there!!

ellyeth · 22/03/2022 14:39

Your house sounds really nice. Hers sounds awful. Presumably she knows you really want to move and is trying to twist your arm. Her demands are ridiculous - particularly as her own home sounds like a complete mess, which presumably you will have to sort out. As others have said, I would say "take it or leave it, there will be other people interested."

It seems unfair about the kitchen. I saw somewhere that if landlords rent out a property the kitchen must be less than 10 years old (it made me laugh. Ours is 32 years old and fine). Why has the HA not renewed it or are there different rules for HAs?

Jojofjo44 · 22/03/2022 15:23

So many red flags for me. I'd definitely pull out.
Have you considered that a town centre property may be what you think you need now, for your children, but have you considered that said children will move away in 5-10 years and you'll be there by yourself or with a partner. Your property sounds much nicer, and more suitable for long term living in.

Crazynanny · 22/03/2022 19:00

I would be very tempted to call her bluff by saying you’re not prepared to meet her demands so will be pulling out. I bet she soon changes her mind.
Really feel for you going through this and hope it’s resolved soon

Lennybenny · 22/03/2022 21:07

I was in a village with my dc. Massive house, big front and back garden....but nothing in the village apart from a school that was so badly run, most of the children left over a year. It only stayed open because they sent a letter to Prince George and no one wanted the council to build low income houses near their expensive ones. I really wish I'd moved when they were younger. Everything was miles away. Buses were every rubbish. Dc had no friends nearby. I had to drive them everywhere. We moved to town 2 years ago. Best decision! Your reasons are valid. The dc will be happier. It does make a difference when they're older. Jobs, future choices for after school and social groups will all change when you move.

As for cf...was there any other interest in the house?

TheArtfulBlogger · 24/03/2022 16:15

It only stayed open because they sent a letter to Prince George

Eh? Confused

Lennybenny · 27/03/2022 20:38

@TheArtfulBlogger

It only stayed open because they sent a letter to Prince George

Eh? Confused

It was in the news. Primary school saved from closure because they sent Prince George a letter asking him to go their school so it wouldn't close down...lots of photos of sad children holding signs saying please come to our school. The school was so bad that the Y1 children (the entire Y1 group left) who went to other schools were behind in everything. My eldest ds spent most days reading books.
mangipops · 11/07/2022 09:56

Money exchanging hands at all when doing a mutual exchange could put a tenancy at risk - it is actually illegal: www.homeswapper.me/following-the-rules-on-homeswapper/. It is best to get the person to put things right and then inspect again before agreeing the swap.

Chocolatesandroses · 08/08/2022 14:38

@tearingmyhearout242 im just wondering if you had a update of what happened in the end ?

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