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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
Flickflak · 19/03/2022 00:08

This reply has been withdrawn

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HollowTalk · 19/03/2022 00:10

I don't understand why you don't give her a list of demands but much is the one she gave you.

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 00:12

@PiperPosey

They only have 0 independence because of the location. Town is 8 miles away. There is no public transport whatsoever. The village doesn’t even have a shop. I have tried getting back into driving but can’t. Poor DH can never relax as he’s always on edge about ferrying them around. He always does when asked but I feel sorry for him.

I find it too rural as well but if I didn’t have the DC to think about I’d be able to manage because I love the house.

But we do all genuinely want to move.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 19/03/2022 00:13

Could you reply and say "What a good idea about refreshing the paintwork throughout, it will be lovely for us both to arrive at our new houses with nice newly painted white walls to make a fresh start with!" then when she says "no, just you", you can be very confused at her and refuse if it isn't reciprocal.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 19/03/2022 00:14

It doesn't sound fair, but maybe it's a sign not to pursue it any further. That can't be the only house, if yours is as desirable as you say.

If it's purely for your kids, have you looked into other ways to enable their socialising? Can they get cabs? Can you drive them? Don't any of their school friends live nearby?

Can you look into private renting?

Fwiw I lived 15 mins drive away from friends when growing up, it was fine. My parents would drive me around and I learned to drive as soon as I could.

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 00:15

We can’t afford private rent or cabs unfortunately. The village is tiny, only about 15
houses there. It’s more of a hamlet tbh.

OP posts:
Newjourney2894 · 19/03/2022 00:15

@tearingmyhearout242.. you’ve lived in it since it was built?! I would definitely check whether you have right to acquire or something as I don’t know if it is something you’ve ever thought about but you may be able to buy the property from the HA? If you move there is a strong possibility that you won’t and you can’t take the years you will accrued on your current property to a new property.

I know that some properties are far out and from personal experience I grew up in an area that was far out. It was an hours walk into Howden centre and if I wanted to visit a city which would be York I had to get a train until I could drive. My school/college was not even in Howden so more travel.

I honestly think you should think about the move and think how less room and garden and parking will also have the potential to impact everyone in the households mental health.

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 00:19

We were living in a tiny little private rent cottage in the village previously with our oldest. Then I got pregnant again and it was too small. As if by magic this development was built and those already living in the village on a low income were a priority.

We were really lucky to get it and I’ll be sad to leave but I am ready for the change just as much as the DC’s.

OP posts:
SteakExpectations · 19/03/2022 00:20

Two houses on our estate swapped a couple of years ago and the HA made the repairs after the swap had happened. I’d be inclined to speak to the council again, explain the impact on your boys and the see if any compromise can be found.

With regard to the swap person - yes she is a CF! There’s no way that I would spend money making a house nice for someone else to enjoy, when you’ll have to spend yet more money making her house nice when you move in there. I’d also be cautious about incurring any additional expense in case the swap falls through.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/03/2022 00:20

For Gods sake do not bow to this CF. Call her bluff. Who does she think she is? Take it or leave it would be my words to her.

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 00:21

The savings we currently have (a few grand) were meant to be for doing our new house up. If we have to do this one up we’ll have nothing Sad

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 19/03/2022 00:22

Generally council/HA properties in villages are not desired as transport links are poor and you need a car

Here they are the type of starter property you get offered and then you have to negotiate your way to one in town.

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2022 00:25

In our HA you get what you accept so ours was in great condition the one we were swapping too was poor they allowed the swap but I had to sign to say if I gave up the property I would be responsible for any structural damage even if it was prior to me so I'm responsible for an understairs cupboard door thats missing and a unit that's broken however if I exchanged out and passed it on to someone else they then become responsible

WallaceinAnderland · 19/03/2022 00:25

Stay where you are and use the money saved to pay for taxis until something more suitable comes up.

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 00:25

I understand why people are wondering why we want to move at all but we do honestly have our reasons.

Right now it’s mainly for the DC’s but it’s for me and DH as well. He wants to be near his work, I want to be able to be in walking distance to shops and not have to rely on DH to run me around. I’ll likely never drive, I’ve tried.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/03/2022 00:29

You’ve got really valid reasons for moving. I’d want to move too. I’ve been a teenager in a rural place needing constant lifts and I swore I wouldn’t do it to my DC - as much because my DH and I don’t want to be taxi as for their independence.

I’d go with the “Great idea on painting before we swap - we’re happy with you painting your place all white too” thing. Knowing she won’t!

Stripyhoglets1 · 19/03/2022 00:29

The reasons councils can refuse a mutual exchange are limited and set out in the law. Housing Act 1985.
Your kitchen being old isn't one of them.
Look at the Shelter website for information about Tenancy Exchanges.

You can tell them they can't refuse it for this reason.
I would also not spend alot on decorating and doing up your house. If she doesn't want im sure someone else will!

Sswhinesthebest · 19/03/2022 00:52

I’d call their bluff too.

LadyinRead · 19/03/2022 00:56

I grew up rural and it didn't ruin my life. I and my friends were motivated to get our driving licences as soon as we could!
Stay in your lovely rural home.

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 01:29

@LadyinRead

My kids don’t have friends in the village though.

I appreciate what people are saying but we all want to move. It’s not something we’re doing halfheartedly. I love my house but not my lifestyle here. I’m sick of being reliant on DH to go anywhere.

If I didn’t want to move I wouldn’t be going through this, believe me. It’s shattered my mental health.

OP posts:
tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 01:32

Sorry I hope that message didn’t come across as rude but not moving isn’t the solution here.

DH wants to call her bluff but I’m not sure. There was a misunderstanding over me not disclosing HS2 plans (apparently the route is a few hundred metres behind our house) to her. I genuinely hadn’t heard about it. She was vile and abusive. I wish I’d have pulled out then, I really want her house for the location but if I’d have pulled out then I might have found somewhere else by now.

OP posts:
tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 01:34

She came up with this big conspiracy. “Ah that’s why you’re so desperate to get rid of the house, because of HS2. And that’s why you didn’t tell me about it, you’re deceitful.” Except with a lot more swear words.

I insisted I didn’t know about it and I didn’t intentionally keep it from her and she got over it eventually.

I’ll fully admit I have anxiety and I’m scared of her now.

OP posts:
ChuckBerrysBoots · 19/03/2022 01:38

I think if you proceed with this swap there is a risk you will always resent the circumstances which may colour your experience of moving into the other property. I’d be tempted to tell her to get to fuck, and hold out for another town centre property.

GoingBacktoSchool123 · 19/03/2022 01:39

Tell the witch you'll do up yours if she does up hers. Otherwise tell her to do one....

Chloemol · 19/03/2022 01:41

Iwould challenge the HA, if they say the kitchens not fit for a house move then they are allowing you to live in an unfit house

As to the woman I would tell her you will do the house up, when she does hers

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