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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
PiperPosey · 20/03/2022 14:52

[quote MotherofAutism]**@PiperPosey* I live in USA and don't know anything about Councils or House swapping*

Nice little irrelevant stealth brag you've managed to wangle in there.......Hmm[/quote]
Wow... I know nothing about what a Council is or what House Swapping is
...................
So How would I be bragging if I don't know what I'm bragging about?
[Sceptical]

PiperPosey · 20/03/2022 14:59

@Squeezita

How is that a stealth brag?
Maybe Piper rents in the US?
..........................................
See Sqeezita...I didn't know if I was bragging about living in Us? Or not being on a Council..or House Swapping...
Thank you...for having my back...
( Not OP though..) Cake

RandomBasic · 20/03/2022 15:15

@MotherofAutism

So I'm a magistrate because I pointed out that OPs issue isn't location but the issue is transport. And there have been many suggestions on how to work around this.

Ok. I'm a magistrate.

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 16:10

[quote RandomBasic]@MotherofAutism

So I'm a magistrate because I pointed out that OPs issue isn't location but the issue is transport. And there have been many suggestions on how to work around this.

Ok. I'm a magistrate.[/quote]
You have Zeno Right to tell OP what her issue is or isn't! If she wants to move house then she bloody well can do with or without your permission. She didn't come on here to ask whether she's right to be moving! She asked whether this other lady is a CF. 🤦🏼‍♀️

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 16:10

*Zero

PegasusReturns · 20/03/2022 17:05

You have Zeno Right to tell OP what her issue is or isn't! If she wants to move house then she bloody well can do with or without your permission

Except she can’t can just move house can she?! Because despite being on the list (perhaps for some time?) this is the only potential swap available.

Spending all of the small amount of savings they have on doing work on someone else’s house is crazy. So this move doesn’t appear to be the right one and there may be some options - even if they are only short term - that might alleviate some of the OPs current hardship.

YorkshirePhoenix15 · 20/03/2022 17:36

I wouldn’t be moving/swapping house for my teenagers. I appreciate what you’re saying about mental health etc but they will surely be off to uni soon or in jobs so I wouldn’t be upping sticks to go and live in a worse house and have to deal with a cheeky mare swapping. Think about if your kids up and leave and you end up stuck in that new house that you’re going to have to do a lot of work on? I’d be saying no thanks

reynardette · 20/03/2022 17:47

Late to this but a couple of thoughts. Swap sites cater for people who are actively looking, not those who haven't really thought about it or for who the time is not quite right. Can you identify an area you would like to move to and put notes through the doors saying why you want to move and why yours is a great swap. Sounds like it would suit perhaps people who are retiring and want a garden to tend and something quieter, or people with young kids looking for more space.

Hadenough2021 · 20/03/2022 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Nothankyouv · 20/03/2022 17:50

Call her bluff

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 20/03/2022 17:52

OP majority of house swaps are as property as seen, it’s not for you to decorate the property to her settle, pull her bluff and wait for another property, she’s well and truly tasking the piss!

JustDoingMe · 20/03/2022 17:54

Exactly 💯 this!

user1493494961 · 20/03/2022 17:58

I'd stay put, save up for driving lessons for the DC.

Hollywolly1 · 20/03/2022 18:02

Your children are only teens for a few short years,would you consider putting the money into the odd taxi trips for them or seriously consider trying to drive yourself.
No way should you swap what seems like a lovely house with a garden and shed and your own driveway and another thing I would chew muown arm off before I would swap with that cow.
I think ifvyou know she's getting a brilliant deal with your hiuse just stay where you are and try work something else out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2022 18:03

@Rainbowqueeen

I would:
  1. See if you can sell the shed. It’s yours. Say as is where is. Will give you a few quid that maybe you can use for taxis in the meantime.
2 speak to shelter about the whole situation and go with whatever they advise.
  1. Work on changing things up at the moment. If the DC are at school in the same town as your DC works, why does he have to finish at 3?? They are teenagers. Why can’t they have a bit of social life by hanging out with their friends after school until your DH finishes work and then come home with him? Or go to the library after school and do homework then do something social with their friends and your DH can collect them later?? Doesn’t have to be every night but a couple of nights a week. There will be work around, you all need to be a bit flexible.
  2. Look for another swap. Put the word out, put up a notice. If you can’t move until the kitchen is fixed then you have some time on your side to find someone.
Can I just ask you to have a look at this post, in case it got lost in all the others @tearingmyhearout242?

Giving your teens time a couple of afternoons a week in town is a good idea. Your dh will be close by if needed and the weather is getting warmer and it is lighter in the evenings. They can go to the library town, the local park or wherever is safe.

You may even decide this swap isn’t for you and wait doe one, which is better.

As for paying for the kitchen, it would make better economic sense to stay a while longer and spend a little of your savings on your family one way or another rather than throwing it down the drain even if that means cinema / bowling an evening here or there or biting the bullet and paying for the occasional taxi.

My dd is a teen she likes going to the shops with her friends and can spend hours browsing and spend a couple of pounds in primark or nothing at all. She and her friends also meet up with boys sometimes (Friends+ not bf) so there can be a few of them together. Do your teens do things like this?

Hollywolly1 · 20/03/2022 18:04

And and and what will your new neighbours be like

Integrity7 · 20/03/2022 18:09

@tearingmyhearout242 How old are your teens? Can you or they not drive / get a moped or wha/ tever as if not they will soon be old enough - I'd tell the pack of them to piss off and stay where you are. / work on transport - can you explain to your boys and ask their opinion?

Kuachui · 20/03/2022 18:10

you can do council. and ha kitchens but you just have to ask permission first and explainwhy

godmum56 · 20/03/2022 18:10

am I the only one who is still confused because the HA has not allowed the swap and yet it still seems to be going ahead?

nannykatherine · 20/03/2022 18:13

Keep your house ..
And give yourself teenagers independence by buying Mopeds or cars ..

Blimpop · 20/03/2022 18:16

I'd call the otherd bluff. Don't do the work. If she drops out, they'll be others wanting to swap.

gamerchick · 20/03/2022 18:17

OP has her house actually passed the inspection? They're really strict. I had to agree not to ask the council for new interior doors as the ones in were in an awful state and she had to replace the upstairs sink before they would authorise it. I don't understand why they won't let you replace the kitchen doors.

As for your swapper. Tell her to fuck off, she takes it or leaves it and you put it back on the site if she flaps her gums anymore with unreasonable demands.

PeaceToEveryOne · 20/03/2022 18:19

Give your kids, driving lessons

lazystar · 20/03/2022 18:19

I have swapped my house a few times, in a multiswap.
The first issue is the kitchen.
I have always been told by various council and housing associations that any original features, such as kitchens, fireplaces etc if removed must be kept and put back as the original.
Do not rip out your kitchen and blow your savings.
Your move could still be refused for other reasons.
Was it your person or her association/council that viewed and refused ?
Sometimes the property will be checked by hers and yours.
Her property/herself could be refused for any number of reasons.
If she owed rent for example, if she has something wrong with electrics, plumbing or features.
Do not make any promise to her in exchange for a property, technically you could make her a payment, decorate your house for her tastes all sorts and she could still refuse to move last minute send pull out.
This happens a lot !
People pay incentives and then other people pull out and lose the lot.
People make promises to leave items etc but as property is swapped as 'seen' there's nothing they can do but ask council to intervene- but they don't have to.
You need to go back to your council and discuss the kitchen and why your move is refused on that basis - it is not for you to replace a kitchen if it's council /association they could ask you to return it back anyway.
The cheapest way of doing it if you did, would be to keep/repair the carcas of the cupboards and replace the doors. Then paint. Nothing else.
This woman is taking advantage. Don't do anything else until her house has been checked.
Even then I would tell her to move on.

Pelsall116 · 20/03/2022 18:21

If they want complete redecoration by you then they should return the favour and redecorate/renovate theirs; they are treating you like a doormat
There will be plenty more people who'd want your property - likely with something far better to swap; I would wait, personally