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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 20/03/2022 20:26

@MotherofAutism stop policing the thread and other posters. It’s rude and tiresome.

Greenshed · 20/03/2022 20:35

Stay put for now. Something and someone better will come along - she’s taking the proverbial and trying blackmail - just call her bluff and give her the heave-ho. If she really wants your place, she’ll back off her demands if you refuse to oblige, and in the meantime, someone more suitable will come along with a better property for you to exchange with.
Ask yourself if you will and your children really be happier in a much smaller property than the one you are now in, or will you come to regret the exchange?

Loopey007 · 20/03/2022 20:43

Your house sounds lovely do you think if you do this swap your children and yourself would love living in a “ shit - tip”.
Perhaps wait until your find someone more amenable and a home that suits all of you.

bibera1 · 20/03/2022 20:47

why don’t you just privately rent a property in the centre of town ….

Birthday552 · 20/03/2022 20:51

Good luck OP.
You don’t need to justify your need to move. Just because you don’t own your house is doesn’t mean you don’t have needs and wants and should ‘ put up with it’
Keep us posted on the move!

hullaballoo19 · 20/03/2022 20:52

The move can't go ahead because they can't have a new lawn, fresh paint and no pond?! How fucking ridiculous 😂 there's no way this woman's actually going to pull out for that, don't worry op she'll come running back soon enough. I bet if you said you had another person interested she'd be jumping at the chance to take it as it is!

Noo3329 · 20/03/2022 20:54

I would see the HA saying no as a sign from the house swapping gods! Pull out of this one, get the new kitchen from the HA and have faith that the right place will come up. It may all happen much faster than you expect. Could you run the kids around until then? See if you can get other parents and take it in turns?

Pinkfluff76 · 20/03/2022 20:56

I just want to know how you just get a house from the council??

ElegantlyTouched · 20/03/2022 21:00

Please don't fall for her guilt tripping.

gamerchick · 20/03/2022 21:05

@bibera1

why don’t you just privately rent a property in the centre of town ….
Private rents aren't really a good advert. Considering you can get shafted repeatedly at the mercy of landlords Hmm fuck that for a game of soldiers.
beachcitygirl · 20/03/2022 21:08

I cannot state this highly enough. Back out of this swap.
Another poster above suggested identifying areas/ha's you like. Approach the housing officers themselves - explain what you have (they may have a tenant they know waiting on a move) drop notes through doors.
But above all, extrapolate yourself from this situation with this total bitch xxx good luck op

Silvers11 · 20/03/2022 21:10

@tearingmyhearout242

I can understand why you are desperate to move to accomodation that will suit you all better, I really really can, But desperation can cause us to make big mistakes because all other considerations go out of the window.

Firstly, The Council have said you can't swap until the kitchen is fixed which hopefully will be in the next 12-15 months. So you need to wait,

Secondly, the house you are hoping to move to, doesn't sound it has anything going for it except the location. I think if you swapped to it, you will almost certainly regret it. By your own admission you are giving up loads in return for a shit-tip. However, there will be other houses out there which tick all the boxes (or most of them) for you and your whole family

The other woman has sensed your desperation and has pushed her luck. I'm glad at the moment you have said no. But if it were me I would NOT carry on with the swap. I bet she is as desperate as you are to make the swap, she has just hidden it better. The fact she is willing to wait another 12-15 months suggests that is true. You could even take the argument into her court by saying that you have changed your mind about the swap unless SHE does some repair work on the doors etc. etc.

If she walks away - or even if she doesn't, I would spend the next few months looking for someone else to swap with and you may very well find that something even better comes up in due course.

In the meantime would it be possible for your teenagers to cycle into town? Not sure how safe the roads are where you live or the ages of your children so that might not be a possibility, but just a thought.

Silvers11 · 20/03/2022 21:13

PS - If it is a town centre location you are looking at, it might be a nightmare trying to park your car? Don't underestimte that factor, because having lived in an area before we moved, where there were too many cars and way too few spaces. It's no fun having to park your car half a mile from the house and having to walk to it, carrying bags, shopping etc. Trust me

lakeswimmer · 20/03/2022 21:17

I live in a very rural area with teens. One of the things I hadn't anticipated was how difficult it is to arrange driving lessons if you live a long way from a town with a driving test centre.

All the local driving instructors are focused on giving lessons in that town. They won't drive out to a rural location to pick students up. We're 17 miles from our nearest test centre town and DS1 had to get himself there by bus to have lessons and practice the test routes. You can't practice roundabouts if you doing have any in the vicinity!

If you're somewhere without any public transport and not much spare money just learning to drive can be a challenge - quite apart from the fact that OP doesn't feel comfortable driving.

We live in an absolutely incredible location but are looking to move somewhere with better transport access.

Thoosa · 20/03/2022 21:29

@tearingmyhearout242

She came up with this big conspiracy. “Ah that’s why you’re so desperate to get rid of the house, because of HS2. And that’s why you didn’t tell me about it, you’re deceitful.” Except with a lot more swear words.

I insisted I didn’t know about it and I didn’t intentionally keep it from her and she got over it eventually.

I’ll fully admit I have anxiety and I’m scared of her now.

Honestly, you can’t deal with someone like that. Drop her.

Can you look for another swap or apply for a transfer?

Squeezita · 20/03/2022 21:35

[quote PiperPosey]@Squeezita

How is that a stealth brag?
Maybe Piper rents in the US?
..........................................
See Sqeezita...I didn't know if I was bragging about living in Us? Or not being on a Council..or House Swapping...
Thank you...for having my back...
( Not OP though..) Cake[/quote]
No worries @PiperPosey ☺️

MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 21:41

[quote PegasusReturns]@MotherofAutism stop policing the thread and other posters. It’s rude and tiresome.[/quote]
I'm not policing anything! I made ONE comment pointing out that OP wasn't wanting to stay in her house and @RandomBasic flew off the handle at me! I've merely been defending myself....

Thewindwhispers · 20/03/2022 21:41

Just eanted to say good luck andnyanbu. She sounds like the sort of person who will always demand more and be aggressive at people- just a bully, basically. Tell her the swap is for your hous in its current condition and her house in current condition and she can either go ahead with it or not.

Personally I’d try vey hard to find a different swap, with th kitchen situation it sounds like you have time.

Elle8344 · 20/03/2022 21:51

To be honest I would've told her to fuck off the minute she kicked off & called me a liar. She's being a massive CF & taking the piss.

Mumzy2020 · 20/03/2022 22:13

Wait for another host to become available she sounds vile and you'll probably still gear rubbish from her when you do swap. Hold out for another swap it'll be worth it on the long run.

Mumzy2020 · 20/03/2022 22:14

House not host

marypoppins2022 · 20/03/2022 22:18

F

lonelylou09 · 20/03/2022 22:28

Hi we spent the best part of 18 months precovid trying to do a house swop so i know how you feel.
Ill be honest.. We stopped looking because it was so stressful and when covid hit we realised how lucky we were in our quite house by the sea with huge garden.
I would recommend you definitely DO NOT bow to any of her demands as she can get right to moving day and change her mind and you will still be stuck.
We got quite far in the process with 3 different houses - 1 i fell in love with and at the last minute she pulled out without a word to us.
The second one was refused on occupancy levels and the third we pulled out of as it was a dream house/ garden but totally middle of no where. We felt super guilty about that as i know the other lady relaly fell for our house but in the end we knew we would of regretted it.
We had an inspection done for the swap and were told certain things we had to do to have the swop approved so we did all that work... Some new skirting/new doors ect.
But the lady with the 3rd house was told she would have to dismantle half the house / garden as they had built a conservatory and a summer house.. Both of which we loved so it put us off thinking they would have to be removed first.
Id say keep looking and dont do any improvements other than what the council/ housing association require you to do.
Have to say the issue with the kitchen seems silly as if its already on the cards for them to replace it then it doesnt matter who the tenant is... Definitely do not do that yourself.
For instance we had replaced our bathroom about 10 years ago and when it was inspected we were told that any person wanting to swop would have to sign a disclaimer saying any leaks or issues with the bathroom it would be thier personal responsibility to get it fixed. Which might put some people off so it would be the same for your kitchen.. Unless you got planning permission from them but youre still running a huge risk that she will pull out

whynotwhatknot · 20/03/2022 22:32

Im a bit confused the council wont approve a swap so it doesnt really matter what the cf wants it cant actually happen

dont spend money on something that might go against you

browneyes77 · 20/03/2022 22:47

I’m in a HA property. Never spend your money doing any expensive upgrades. This property is not yours and you won’t benefit from spending the money really.

Is the kitchen etc in the swap up to standard?

We’ve recently had our kitchens done (been here 25 years and they were done in 2020). The housing shouldn’t be denying you a swap based on upgrades and repairs that THEY are responsible for.

Might be worth speaking to the Housing Ombudsman about it.

If the house you are in is so desirable, then there will be other swap opportunities.

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