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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
ImFree2doasiwant · 19/03/2022 08:22

I think quie a few powers have no idea of the reality of living so rually. OP has said not moving isn't the solution. And hat she's unlikely to drive through anxiety.

OP - I'm really not surecwhybthe council are refusing - is I because they can't grant a new tenancy with the house in an unlikely condition? I would write to your local MP, and contact he portfolio holder for housing. Be very clear about hiw you are all suffering. Don't bother mentioning the other party, the mp cat do anything sbout the CF but they do have sway with the council

ZekeZeke · 19/03/2022 08:24

I think you need to look at your reason for leaving again.
I certainly wouldn't uproot myself from my ideal home just to keep teens happy. Grumpy sods wouldn't be happy even on the moon.

sausagesandchamp · 19/03/2022 08:28

I wouldn't swap with a CF like that out of principal.

Soubriquet · 19/03/2022 08:29

We live rurally. There are about 150 houses, a church, a school and a park. That’s it.

No public transport.
No shops

I do worry that my dc will be affected when they are older as the nearest town is 5 miles and I don’t drive but I am lucky that there is a school here therefore plenty of other children and friends to socialise with.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/03/2022 08:31

Don’t swap.

fogglez · 19/03/2022 08:35

I think quie a few powers have no idea of the reality of living so rually.

Some of my extended family live rurally abroad. As a londoner it was horrendous visiting for holidays. I'd hate that life as a teen.

CPL593H · 19/03/2022 08:42

You are in the same position that house buyers can get into when things go awry, only in this case it is magnified because you are both effectively vendor and buyer to each other. I really would write this off, as even if you papered the walls with fivers it sounds like she will find something else wrong. It can go on forever, because she thinks you are desperate and that she has you over a barrel. You do (and I mean this gently) sound really panic stricken about it all and although your situation isn't ideal, you have a comfortable safe house and are not going to eg become homeless.

Your house sounds desirable to the right people and there will be other chances. Pull out, take a step back, breathe and look at what to do next in your own time. Flowers

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2022 08:44

I think quie a few powers have no idea of the reality of living so rually. OP has said not moving isn't the solution. And hat she's unlikely to drive through anxiety.

Yes, this thread has got a bit of uncomfortable reading with everyone practically bullying the OP into staying put and overcoming her block with driving even when she’s repeatedly said it’s the thing the whole family wants. And all the people effectively saying ‘sod the teenager’s mental health’!

AngelinaFibres · 19/03/2022 08:49

@NoSquirrels

She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in.

Offer to reseed the lawn (£5), buy her white paint (£20) and say a firm no to the pond.

Won't you have to fill the pond in anyway. If the HA have kittens about being liable for accidents caused by carpets then surely they won't want a death trap like a pond in one of their gardens
ChuckBerrysBoots · 19/03/2022 08:50

There is a risk that moving into a smaller property in a poor state of repair is not going to be good for anyone’s mental health either.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 19/03/2022 08:50

Country/village living is seen as the dream but it’s very impractical so I completely get this. You need to get tougher. State your clear plan that the house is available as seen - she saw it with current kitchen etc. if you want to hand some kind of olive branch then maybe offer £300 towards paint of her choice. I don’t think money can change hands but you could leave the paint tins when you move. That’s the max I would go to in the hope of getting the house you want. If it doesn’t work out, something better will come up. You dc would do well to get fit and ride a bike - I’m in the West Country and that’s what teens do round here for independence.

comfortablyfrumpy · 19/03/2022 08:50

Yes she's CF - though as above, I think you might have to sort the pond.

fogglez · 19/03/2022 08:51

But if the OPs is unfit surely of the other one is in a very bad way it would also be unfit?

LakieLady · 19/03/2022 08:51

@PiperPosey

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. ......................................... I wouldn't move for this reason...seriously. You love your home. Teenagers will grow up and move. If they want to go somewhere they will figure it out...
Neither would I.

Buy them bikes, and mopeds when they reach 16. They'll be able to get about independently then.

Your house sounds great OP and I wouldn't swap rural for a town centre location for any money.

comfortablyfrumpy · 19/03/2022 08:51

(... and surely there are other potential swappers, yours sounds a very desirable swap).

ZekeZeke · 19/03/2022 08:54

Nobody js bullying the OP into staying put.
If she does move and doesn't like it her mental health will be worse.
All I'm saying is think about the reasons for moving.
Teenagers are with us for a short window, soon they will be driving and can go where they ease.
I wouldn't move just to keep teens happy.

Oddbobbyboo · 19/03/2022 08:57

You need to tell this lady to get fugged!! Go back to the drawing board and start over.

MushroomCow99 · 19/03/2022 08:57

Personally I wouldn't swap I'd use that money for driving lessons and a car, either for you or the teens if old enough.

bevelino · 19/03/2022 08:58

@TyrannosaurusRegina

She is taking the absolute piss out of you. No doubt she sees a soft touch. If your house is as desirable as you say it is, someone else will bite your hand off for it. I'd tell her no, sorry, and you'll just wait for someone else to swap.
Definitely this.

The CF can see that you are desperate to move and is taking advantage.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 19/03/2022 08:59

Ditch that switch - she sounds awful. Have you thought about putting up on local Facebook sites that you're looking for a swap? Chances are people in the houses that you would like in town aren't looking as they think there are only swaps in crap places / I'm sure you'll find someone else as the property sounds great apart from your isolation & kids independence- good luck!

SuziePorterrr · 19/03/2022 09:00

Is there a local Facebook page you can post in? I often see people using ours for that, I guess as many people don’t really want to swap but could if they desired area/house size came up.

Kirstos1 · 19/03/2022 09:09

Why you want to move is irrelevant, the fact is you do and that's all that matters.

I would be all over the council about your kitchen though and tell them that is there is indeed black mould in the kitchen and they aren't sorting it you will sue for them knowingly letting you live with it.

As for her? I would tell her you won't be doing anything to the house and that's it. There will be other properties in town for you - more than there is the other way round.

AngelinaFibres · 19/03/2022 09:15

@Soubriquet

We live rurally. There are about 150 houses, a church, a school and a park. That’s it.

No public transport.
No shops

I do worry that my dc will be affected when they are older as the nearest town is 5 miles and I don’t drive but I am lucky that there is a school here therefore plenty of other children and friends to socialise with.

It does become a massive issue. I have 2 boys , now married men. We live in a village and there is no public transport. Taxis won't come out from the nearest city as they won't get a fare back and the local taxi driver has a second job so needs several days notice. I can drive. I was a teacher so had to be able to or I couldn't have worked. When they started 6th form college I had to drive them 7 miles to our nearest town to catch the bus to take them 14 miles to college. That had to be done in reverse at 5.30. I did it every week day for 3 years. When they were too young for motorbikes I drove them everywhere and picked them up again. Any groups they wanted to join( cadets, venture scouts, etc) were all miles away. Kayaking was 14 miles away so I used to drive eldest son and then sit in the car(fall asleep) whilst he did the hours training. If they wanted to socialise I drove them . I think people in cities or even reasonably sized towns have no idea what it is like when you can't walk to anything and the only bus is once a week if at all. The years 12 to 16 are really hard for young people. They want to meet a friend without a whole load of planning. They don't want to ask for lifts or to have to explain where they want to go. All my sons friends lived in rural locations. If they just wanted to meet up for an hour it involved that persons parent bringing them to us or me doing the driving to them. If you only have one parent who can drive ,and that parent is at work, it must feel like being in an open prison for teens. You can see the world and some if your friends are out and about in it but you are stuck in the middle if nowhere...literally and socially.
AngelinaFibres · 19/03/2022 09:17

@MushroomCow99

Personally I wouldn't swap I'd use that money for driving lessons and a car, either for you or the teens if old enough.
Op has ecmxplained several times why this isn't an option.
aWolfinSheepsclothing · 19/03/2022 09:18

Love all these people saying fund taxis.
A. Taxis are hard to get to come to rural areas.
B. Taxis in rural towns and villages are an extortionate price.

Op can you contact your local authority and get banded with your mental health to a higher band? I know someone who did this and they were offered a new house within months, no swapping.