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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 19/03/2022 07:09

It is simple really, you are holding all the cards here. Tell her that you will not be doing a dam thing to the house yourself and that is final, if she still wants to swap you will go ahead with it. She know she is getting the better house so she will throw a strop but then do a Uturn and accept your conditions. Good luck in your new home, you will soon have it looking lovely.

maddening · 19/03/2022 07:21

Just tell her deal is off based on her terms. Either she will back down or you will get another swap once the kitchen is done by the council.

In the meantime use the money you would have to fix up the house for her to facilitate lifestyle of dc perhaps.

StoppinBy · 19/03/2022 07:29

I would call her bluff and if she's serious, walk away.

This doesn't sound like the right deal for you at all.

You are already downgrading with regards to condition of the house and shed etc so she is doing well out of the deal as is but still wants more. I doubt she will ever be happy.

DrSbaitso · 19/03/2022 07:35

The only thing you should be scared of is your fear. That's what's controlling you right now. What are you scared of? You'll find another swapper with a house like yours. Her disapproval? What's she going to do, call you a bumhead?

The only person who should be scared is her because she's jeopardising her chance at a sweet deal.

DinosApple · 19/03/2022 07:38

You hold the cards here. I'd back out of this deal - especially since the swap could take another year whilst you wait for a kitchen. By which time DC are a little older and closer to independence.

Your mental health matters too and dealing with this bully for a protracted time is not doing you any favours.

There will be other houses in equally good locations that come up.

Onlyforcake · 19/03/2022 07:44

Tell her you are not going to be able to do all that work then move into a property (hers) that is in such a neglected condition. So you'll have to look for somewhere else. It may well get her to take a good look at her place. Though i cannot understand why this is your only option. I grew up in a rural area, you do get by, plus teens aren't going to be in your house forever. In another 5 years you might prefer to be where you are.

VeganCow · 19/03/2022 07:50

When she said she wants the walls stripping and white everywhere, did you not ask her if she is doing the same, and pointing out that she cant expect you to do it if she isn't?

billyt · 19/03/2022 07:51

Hi Op,

I would also NOT do anything to your house if swapping. She is definitely a CF if she is expecting you to fork out when she won't.

And as said upthread, if the shed is yours then sell it before swapping. Why should she benefit? Sound like you'll need every penny to sort out her place.

And as also said, work around your teenagers and where you are now. get them driving lessons as soon as they get old enough. I know it's easy enough to say from this side.

Also, think of your neighbours. Don't inflict the CF on them, they're innocent.Grin

Good luck.

Noshowofmojo · 19/03/2022 07:54

Please don’t be bullied into trying to meet her demands. No way should you be redecorating your house for her to move in. I’d either pull out of the swap with her or let your husband correspond with her. You’re scared (you said) and that’s not right. Don’t be pushed into something you might regret. After the swap with her, she could still have demands.

SartresSoul · 19/03/2022 07:56

I’ve only lived in a council house once as a child for 4 years and it was absolutely horrendous when we moved in, it had no flooring down at all. Mum paid for laminate flooring throughout and when we moved out they tried to fine her for changing the flooring Shock. So yeah, it wouldn’t surprise me if they did similar to you for changing the kitchen which is totally obscene.

The woman is clearly a CF and I’d just sack the swap off entirely, it doesn’t really sound worthwhile. Teenagers all over have to deal with living in rural locations, they’ll be able to drive in a few years.

JudgeRindersMinder · 19/03/2022 07:56

Have you had proper treatment for anxiety? I’d be using savings to fund that , which will change your life, rather than decorating for the CF.
Don’t allow anxiety to rule your life

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 19/03/2022 07:57

I’d pull out of this swap. You’re in a good position by the sound of it- you will find someone else to swap with who won’t be such a demanding pain in the arse- they won’t all be like that.

PegasusReturns · 19/03/2022 07:58

This swap doesn’t sound like it’s going to be right for you. The woman sounds horrible and I suspect her rudeness and abuse will continue after the swap.

Given that you could spend all your savings on doing up the house and it still not be approved wouldn’t you consider using some of those savings on getting the DC around? Bikes/electric scooters. Taxis when late at night?

I’m going to assume they’re young teens, 13/14? By 15/16 IME they’ll make it happen if they want to go out. It doesn’t need to be permanent, just until you get a better swap option

Bollindger · 19/03/2022 08:01

Please don't do this.
Either fund your children with taxis till your kitchen is done by the council. By the way the MP may be able to help.
Also report every drawer that doesn't work, the doors, the floors to the council. Make a new claim for each item...
Place an advert in all the facebook groups, and in the shops of places you like. My friend did one in the local newspaper , and got loads of replies... Don't swap for this woman's tip.

Bignanny30 · 19/03/2022 08:02

I don’t know anything about these situations but I’d like to say I hope it can get resolved soon because it sounds like it’s causing you a lot of anxiety.

NinaDefoe · 19/03/2022 08:03

I’ll likely never drive, I’ve tried.

Learn in an automatic car and get an automatic driving licence. Much easier if you are struggling.
You won’t have a licence to drive a manual car but that won’t matter.

NadjaofAntipaxos · 19/03/2022 08:04

Good grief, don't do any work to your place! There is nothing to stop this awful women still pulling out AFTER you gave spent all your savings.

I agree, the ideal solution, though undoubtedly very difficult, is to treat your anxiety and get driving. Perhaps invest your savings in private therapy?

Soubriquet · 19/03/2022 08:04

Pull out. She sounds throughly unpleasant and even if you did what she asked, I bet she would be contacting your for months complaining about something else that isn’t right that she expects you to fix for her

sherbertdib · 19/03/2022 08:07

You say the woman is getting s fab house but the way you describe the location isnt good at all

Maybe she is having second thoughts and feels anxious about moving somewhere so remote with no shops, buses, etc

It doesn't sound ideal to me. Especially if she's used to town living

godmum56 · 19/03/2022 08:09

I am confused....how can the swap woman be negotiating with you if the council won't agree the swap?

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/03/2022 08:11

Send the woman a long list of things she needs to fix and she will obviously say no. Then she can't really expect you to do the same.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/03/2022 08:16

Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip.
I'd just reply with photos of the shit tip if you have any and say 'seriously, when you're offering this?'
I'd stay put - your children will only be teenagers for a short period, others grow up in a rural area, or if your house is so desirable, a better offer will come up.
Use what the HA/council have said about the kitchen to push for it to be updated

Northernparent68 · 19/03/2022 08:16

@PiperPosey

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. ......................................... I wouldn't move for this reason...seriously. You love your home. Teenagers will grow up and move. If they want to go somewhere they will figure it out...
I was going to say this. I doubt their mental health is being ruined-can’t they walk or cycle ? Presumably they can get to school so they can get to after school activities
PoppyFleur · 19/03/2022 08:17

Please address your anxiety issues because moving will not cure it. You will just find a whole new set of things to worry and be anxious about in the new location. Anxiety is toxic and contagious, it will likely be impacting your family as well as you.

Your anxiety is holding you back. It’s why you can’t address the ridiculous requests from the person you are swapping with, nor walk away from the swap.

Please, address the anxiety first, don’t make permanent life decisions under a cloud of desperation.

Very best of luck to you.

Synchrony · 19/03/2022 08:19

@PiperPosey

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. ......................................... I wouldn't move for this reason...seriously. You love your home. Teenagers will grow up and move. If they want to go somewhere they will figure it out...
This.
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