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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
Electriq · 19/03/2022 02:07

How old are your children?
Can they do a cbt for a moped or invest in an electric bike to help them get around?

tearingmyhearout242 · 19/03/2022 02:09

Yeah I’m fucked off with the council. They’ve said the kitchen isn’t fit for the swap but they are happy for us to be stuck with it. The materials were cheap shite back when it was first built but now it’s literally just falling apart. The ‘wood’ (it’s not wood, forgot the actual word. That cheap stuff that looks like wood). Apparently there is also black mold behind one of the cupboards and they implied this was our fault which has pissed me off. It’s not accessible just for a regular clean, the inspector literally took the cupboard apart to find it.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 19/03/2022 02:25

She’s taking a mile instead of an inch. Backout and find another place.
Don’t give up your secure tenancy by going private.

BlueSummerBaby · 19/03/2022 02:26

@tearingmyhearout242

All of the other houses on the swap site are in terrible areas (I’m not being snobby, I know these areas, they are genuinely terrible).

Whereas the end terrace we’re after now (though it’s a shit-tip on the inside) is in a lovely street in a lovely part of the town centre.

It would have been a fair swap but she’s ruined it by wanting us to do ours up. We wouldn’t ask the same in the return and she’d refuse anyway.

But she's also in the same situation, if she doesn't want to move out of area. So she wants your lovely property as much as you want her favourably located one. Tell her no you won't redecorate or whatever else she's wanting. She's not going to pull out and swap with one in a shitty part of town instead.
RandomBasic · 19/03/2022 02:33

Put an advert in the local supermarkets. "3 bed, upstairs bathroom, downstairs toilet, kitchen, dining room, living room, large garden X area. Looking for swap to area with better bus routes."

There will be people thinking about a swop who have never bothered to formally register.

The real issue is that you don't drive. Have you thought about driving lessons specifically for anxious drivers and perhaps therapy? Or make an arrangement with the parents of one friend to pay them £100 per month to drive your kid to places when their kid goes, minimum 2 days per week. Your DC gets changed at bff's house after school and get dropped off at your house in the evening. Your DH can drop DC off in town on Saturday afternoon and the bff's parent drop them home at yours

lemonnandliime · 19/03/2022 03:00

Honestly you are being a huge pushover even thinking about meeting her demands.

Why on Earth would you clear your savings to do up a house you are leaving especially for someone like her?? It's absolute madness.

I would tell her (if the council eventually approves the swap) that she takes the house as it is or she can fuck off.

Then pull out and block her if she carries on being a dick.

Kennykenkencat · 19/03/2022 03:00

If you are going to spend money on kitchens and paint etc plus more at the other end on doing up the wreck of a house you are going to move into then I would pull out and if your kids want to go out then spend the money on public transport or Uber.

Make it part of your monthly budget that they have access to public transport or taxis 2 or 3 times per week.

wtfwasthatmate · 19/03/2022 03:07

@lemonnandliime

Honestly you are being a huge pushover even thinking about meeting her demands.

Why on Earth would you clear your savings to do up a house you are leaving especially for someone like her?? It's absolute madness.

I would tell her (if the council eventually approves the swap) that she takes the house as it is or she can fuck off.

Then pull out and block her if she carries on being a dick.

No kidding. Stop being so wet. Just say no.
Rainbowqueeen · 19/03/2022 03:11

I would:

  1. See if you can sell the shed. It’s yours. Say as is where is. Will give you a few quid that maybe you can use for taxis in the meantime.
2 speak to shelter about the whole situation and go with whatever they advise.
  1. Work on changing things up at the moment. If the DC are at school in the same town as your DC works, why does he have to finish at 3?? They are teenagers. Why can’t they have a bit of social life by hanging out with their friends after school until your DH finishes work and then come home with him? Or go to the library after school and do homework then do something social with their friends and your DH can collect them later?? Doesn’t have to be every night but a couple of nights a week. There will be work around, you all need to be a bit flexible.
  2. Look for another swap. Put the word out, put up a notice. If you can’t move until the kitchen is fixed then you have some time on your side to find someone.
timeisnotaline · 19/03/2022 03:14

She will just keep finding things to be awful about, is absolutely just say no, we won’t be doing that.
Shitty about the kitchen and the council, I’m sorry.

PiperPosey · 19/03/2022 03:24

[quote tearingmyhearout242]@PiperPosey

They only have 0 independence because of the location. Town is 8 miles away. There is no public transport whatsoever. The village doesn’t even have a shop. I have tried getting back into driving but can’t. Poor DH can never relax as he’s always on edge about ferrying them around. He always does when asked but I feel sorry for him.

I find it too rural as well but if I didn’t have the DC to think about I’d be able to manage because I love the house.

But we do all genuinely want to move.[/quote]
Thank you for your response.
When you said 0 independence I thought you meant they don't do chores or help you around the house.

I understand your anxiety. I have been plagued since elementary school. I hope that this will turn out well for you.

I would also call her bluff...She really, really wants your home. Flowers

TyrannosaurusRegina · 19/03/2022 04:48

She is taking the absolute piss out of you. No doubt she sees a soft touch. If your house is as desirable as you say it is, someone else will bite your hand off for it. I'd tell her no, sorry, and you'll just wait for someone else to swap.

Seema1234 · 19/03/2022 05:26

Her demands are a moot point though surely? You can't move as the HA have said they won't fix the kitchen yet. I'd spend my energy on trying to get that decision reviewed instead as it seems unfair that you're prevented from moving because of that. Have you thought about privately renting for the next few years ? Would it then be possible to return to a HA place once four DCs have left ?

Twiglets1 · 19/03/2022 05:29

She sounds a nutter and you’ll get a new kitchen if you just wait a bit longer. Tbh I would delay the move for a year and hopefully end up swapping with someone much nicer and more reasonable

Prettynails · 19/03/2022 05:37

I don’t understand why you are getting your kids to school - where is their school transport

Just don’t swap end of

If your husband drive he can drop them off on a Saturday with their friends and pick them up later

Same in holidays

Raindancer411 · 19/03/2022 05:47

If hers is bad, then you will need money to make it nice to live in, you need that yourself. She is just trying her luck, I would stand firm and say the swap as is, as the council have said.

I know you have anxiety, maybe allow your DH to deal with her instead. Do not do what she wants, if she really wants your property, which it sounds like she does as the HS2 hasn't put her off, stick to your guns... no decorating, she will have to do that herself.

RandomBasic · 19/03/2022 05:48

@Prettynails

The real issue is lack of transport, not location. In 3 years a 14 year old can start driving.

Such a big loss (lovely house, nice location) for the sake of 3 years.

And if OP looks into lessons for nervous drivers, by the end of the year you could be driving. You could even stick to three routes to lessen the anxiety. 1. School and back, 2. Supermarket, 3. Bus stop where your kids come and go to town. DH does all other driving.

RandomBasic · 19/03/2022 05:48

I meant to say @Prettynails I agree with you.

DropYourSword · 19/03/2022 05:51

All I'm getting from this is that if the council think your kitchen is so godawful that you can't swap, it should be classed as unacceptable for YOU to have to accept and should be replaced immediately!!

Also yes, she is being a total CF and I would NOT be funding any upgrades or repairs out of my own pocket if I were you!

Penners99 · 19/03/2022 06:06

Tell her the pond has newts, which are protected, so you cannot fill it in.

bozzabollix · 19/03/2022 06:07

I think you need help regarding the driving, if you drive literally everything is ok and sorted. How about something like CBT? As others have said a couple of routes and your life is transformed.

cherrycokr · 19/03/2022 06:19

Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip.

So the council has said your kitchen is unfit but if the other persons house is a shit tip would that not also be unfit?

We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

Location is very important though. You could try & find another swap.

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 19/03/2022 06:37

Can you identify the ha Houses/streets in nice areas (this ladies street for a start) and drop notes through. Your house sounds lovely enough to tempt a swap from someone who wasn't actually looking, so wouldn't be on the swap sites. Or I've seen people post on Facebook groups for swaps, can you find the Facebook groups pages for those areas. In short I'd wait for the kitchen and try and find a new swap/backup for cf. So frustrating though.

70kid · 19/03/2022 06:38

Get in touch with your MP
If you have a good one they will get in touch with the council for you and ask them why they are being such wankers
Tell them you need to move for health reasons but the council won’t let you swop because of the kitchen

My MPs admin assistant who I’ve had to deal with is fantastic and has really helped me a lot with a difficult neighbour
He also got my niece who needs to move because of her health into a band 1 priority within 6 weeks
My niece had been trying for 18 months to get moved up on the housing bands

DrSbaitso · 19/03/2022 06:48

DH wants to call her bluff but I’m not sure.

He's right.

I’ll fully admit I have anxiety and I’m scared of her now.

Do NOT do this awful deal for that reason.

Your house is gold dust. You'll find someone else. She's bullying you and trying to fuck you over.