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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 19/03/2022 09:19

I think you just say No. Tell her that this is the house as it is, do you want to swap as is or not.
If No, pull out. No further discussion. The right house will come along.

Put your efforts into making your next house nice.

Fwiw, my kitchen was last done in 2007 and is in perfectly good nick, I think kitchens should last much longer than this!

AngelinaFibres · 19/03/2022 09:20

*explained

TheHoptimist · 19/03/2022 09:21

Certainly here dds friend were offered a rural property a few weeks after going on the list but a 7 year wait for anything in town

People who say the property is likd gold dust and wait may be wrong

WonderfulYou · 19/03/2022 09:21

I have done an exchange before and the amount of time wasters I came across was insane!

One lady begged me for mine for months but hers wasn’t in an area I needed. Then we found someone who really wanted hers and I really wanted theirs so it was a perfect 3 way.
We had the inspections done, had the paperwork approved, arranged a move in date, de-cluttered and packed as much as we could and was in constant contact with each other saying how excited we all were and measuring curtains and carpets etc.
Then she pulled out.
I found out later on that she had done the same to 3 other people and I see she’s back on the site again now.

I would tell the people you won’t be doing all of the things they want done. As long as it’s in an ok condition then it’s up to them to decorate and make it how they want it.

I would also appeal to the council as I’ve never heard of a council refusing a swap for this before.

AllOfUsAreDead · 19/03/2022 09:22

Your kids won't suffer from living where you are. Plenty of us lived in the countryside growing up, can still talk to people. It's even easier now with the Internet being better. Even if it means waiting a year or two, it won't destroy them. I lived somewhere that wasn't even a village, it was just a random collection of houses scattered across the countryside. No other kids either. Mostly retired couples. There's a lot more families living there now as the old neighbours have sadly died. No public transport, no shops, nothing. If they are still struggling to learn how to socialise, they haven't learnt properly. As someone else said, why can't they just wait until 5 or something for dad to finish work and hang out with friends after school? Then he can work longer hours. That makes more sense than moving into a shit house. I bet they won't be happy with doors hanging off the hinges and bad decorating either. Not like they'd want to bring friends round.

She is being incredibly rude and you're getting a shit house in return. She doesn't even deserve your house considering how she treated hers. She has no right to ask you to do your house up. Tell her to do one. If she is that bothered by hs2, she can drop out. Very simple. Not like you can redirect it.

Woobeedoo · 19/03/2022 09:25

So let’s just say you act on all her demands - she now knows you are (and I’m sorry to say this), a pushover who’ll do anything for a quiet life. She’ll then contact you in the future if anything goes wrong with the house …. slipped tile on the roof? Well that’s your fault, the roof obviously was old and needed replacing. Mouldy bath sealant? Your fault, it wasn’t done properly in the first place. Etc etc.

Don’t call her bluff, tell her that due to the way she has conducted herself and the unreasonable demands she had made that the exchange is now off and she is not to contact you again.

You now have two options. Sit it out in a beautiful house for 3 years. I’m sure there are after-school kids clubs your children can go to for an hour or so after school to take the pressure off your OH collecting them straight after school. In a few years they’ll probably want to learn to drive so the problem regards house location will rectify itself or do as others have suggested and pin up postcards in newsagents for a house swap (I’m sure there’s probably even independent local FB pages for them too).

Good luck Op, be strong and stand up to her because although you might not think you can do it, you really can.

Thirkettle · 19/03/2022 09:26

Can't you just repeat 'no, it's a council house' over and over again really slowly til she gets it?

Call her bluff. She's not gonna pull out. Just don't talk to her.

Member869894 · 19/03/2022 09:30

Call her bluff op as she sounds a terrible bully and will just keep demanding more and more. Just say you've had a think and have decided you'll wait for the kitchen and if she wants it sooner then she will have to take it as it is. And sell the shed!!. Good luck x

EthelTheAardvark · 19/03/2022 09:32

Are you limiting your swap options by going for a town centre property? Wouldn't your children be OK with anywhere that is simply more accessible to town? Also schools are likely to be better in the suburbs.

WaterBottle123 · 19/03/2022 09:35

[quote tearingmyhearout242]@Fuckitsstillraining

They have 0 independence. I can’t drive as I have anxiety disorder and I panic. DH drives but works full-time (in the town where their school is, where we are trying to move to). He has already had to cut his hours at work so he is around at 3 to bring them home.

They are missing out on social events with their friends. I’m finding it too rural as well tbh for myself.[/quote]
Dear OP, surely solving the driving issue is the answer? A GP can prescribe something like propanol which you're allowed to drive on.

Bunce1 · 19/03/2022 09:39

She’s being a bully.

Can your DH deal with her? Say

We will reseed the lawn and tidy the house and make amall repairs but that’s all. If you wnat to pull out we understand. This house is a diamond and will be snapped up. Up
To you.

nancyclancy123 · 19/03/2022 09:44

I totally understand your reasons for moving. But this woman is a cf who is taking full of advantage of your desperation.
As already mentioned, if your house is that desirable, someone else will snap it up. I know you’ve said that the location of the other house is perfect but you are sacrificing parking and space which will eventually take its toll, not to mention the state of the house.

I’d back out or at the very least say no to her demands. Hers isn’t the only house out there.

NinaDefoe · 19/03/2022 09:54

How old are your DC? Are they anywhere near driving age?

PegasusReturns · 19/03/2022 09:54

So if taxis are impossible then get bikes. Cycling 8km is not far for teens
And honestly this period is over in a flash.

sueelleker · 19/03/2022 09:55

Tell her you'll do up your house if she does the same for hers. She wants to leave her shit-hole and move into a nice house? No way!

bg21 · 19/03/2022 09:59

don't do up your house! I left my gorgeous big 4 bed and swapped , the woman must have literally spent her last months here trashing as much as she could ,it's taken me months to get the house looking half decent!

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2022 10:02

Your house sounds lovely. Wait for someone else.

Don't trust her. She sounds awful. She could change her mind or start to add other conditions at any time.

She obviously recognises you are desperate and that's why she's treating you like this. In a normal business arrangement both parties are civil. I wouldn't let her have your house.

TempName01 · 19/03/2022 10:05

Pull out of this swap! I appreciate you are desperate to move but don’t let the other swapee know that. Can you get you DC cheap secondhand bikes for now and hold out just a bit longer.

WisherWood · 19/03/2022 10:05

Yes the house truly is lovely and the holy grail of HA properties. Kitchen and diner, 2 bathrooms (tiled). And she’ll get our shed. And her own closed off driveway.

Then I would call her bluff. You cannot do the things she's asking for so you have nothing to lose, whereas she risks losing the holy grail. Just tell her you're not doing those things and she can take the house as is, or not. With people like her, the more you give the more they will take.

I think your anxiety is colouring your decision-making process here OP which is understandable, but I think you should be aware of that. I mean presumably you know this, but perhaps it's just worth saying? Moving is stressful anyway, and you now have all these added stresses. I know it isn't easy but finding ways to tackle the anxiety would help with so much of the other stuff too.

Regarding the driving, don't .give up hope. I learned in my 20s but it took several tests. I drove for a couple of years and then stopped, because I didn't like it. Around 20 years later it became increasingly apparent that as scared as it made me, it would be useful to do because I live in a rural area with little public transport. So I had refresher lessons with a great instructor and I now drive confidently, and safely. I don't go on motorways but I happily get around my local area, which is all I need to do.

With your children's friends, are there any whose parents would be prepared to help in the short term for petrol money? I know the whole lift giving thing is a hot button topic on MN but I wonder if you explained exactly why to someone sympathetic, if they might help. It would be cheaper than taxis or you having a second car. Given the price of petrol at the moment, you might find someone happy to help if you give them a bit over the odds, but still less than you'd pay for a taxi.

The other thing is to make use of your lovely gardens for the summer. Have your children invite their mates over. Don't let your anxiety get in the way of finding solutions that will help for now and then, fingers crossed, something will give with the housing situation.

WonderfulYou · 19/03/2022 10:09

Call her bluff op as she sounds a terrible bully and will just keep demanding more and more.

I agree!

OP I know how difficult it is for you.

I’m currently in a village in the middle of nowhere which would be some people’s dream but I drive almost 120miles everyday just to get my DC to school and get to work.
My DC has no friends and can’t go to any of the clubs or anything to make any.

Due to covid it’s been impossible to find anywhere to rent privately and as a single parent on one wage many of the landlords won’t accept me anyway.
But my area is safe and although I desperately want to move I know that being here another year is better than going somewhere I might hate or exchanging with someone who sounds flaky and a CF.

I’d be telling them I’m not going to be doing that and if they still want to move or not as you have someone else interested.
They’ll probably say no expecting you to beg for them back but if you don’t find anyone in the meantime they’ll end up coming back.

sunisblinding · 19/03/2022 10:10

If the whole thing hinges on the colour of the walls could you not spend £100 on some white emulsion and spend a weekend painting, get some friends and family involved?

LadyPropane · 19/03/2022 10:12

With your updates she sounds worse and worse.

I would call her bluff. Fuck her.

Also, you need to address the anxiety, urgently. You are making all of these huge changes for the sake of your DC's mental health - but what about yours? You need to prioritise yourself and deal with this. Don't make yourself the bottom of the pile.

strawberry2017 · 19/03/2022 10:14

I would pull out, you need the kitchen sorting anyway so wait till that's done and then start looking again.
She's horrible, she's taking advantage and it's not fair

TheArtfulBlogger · 19/03/2022 10:15

@sunisblinding

If the whole thing hinges on the colour of the walls could you not spend £100 on some white emulsion and spend a weekend painting, get some friends and family involved?
Do you REALLY think her demands will end with a bit of white paint put on the walls??? Once they have done this she will see what suckers they are and demand more. Why shouldnt she, she has nothing to lose
FairyCakeWings · 19/03/2022 10:21

There’s no harm in her asking.

If she’s a woman on her own and you’re a physically healthy two parent family with teenagers, it’s going to be a lot easier for you to give the place a lick of paint and fill in a pond than it is for her. It wouldn’t have to cost much at all, certainly not thousands.

If you don’t want to agree to what she wants, then don’t. If you can’t move until the kitchen is fixed by the council anyway then you have plenty of time to find another swapper, it just depends how much you want her house.

You are in quite a fortunate position here.