To not want to give people free advice?

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I work in the legal sector, studied Law at both undergrad and postgrad level and I am hoping to work towards becoming a barrister.

Since starting my undergrad Law degree I have always had people (family & friends) reach out to me to ask for advice. I have always tried to answer their questions based on what I know but warned them I am not a professional. Since gaining my current position I now specialise in a certain area of Law that a lot of people are wanting advice in. I don’t mind people asking me the odd question here and there but I am increasingly getting messages asking for advice and even people asking if I will meet them. I have told these people that I can’t do that and it’s constantly been met with “it’s not really legal advice I just wanted to meet for a coffee and a chat”.

I work very long hours. Sometimes I’m working 14+ hour days going over massive amounts of paperwork and I come home with my brain frazzled. I want to be able to switch off when I finish work and not constantly be asked my professional opinion. I have friends who are hair dressers and I wouldn’t ask them to do my hair for free, so to me this feels like the same thing. However, there is a part of me that’s thinking well it’s not like I’m doing their paperwork and legal advice is more important than that so should I be giving these people some time? A lot of the people who are asking my opinion are not well off and would probably struggle to afford professional advice so I’m not sure what to do. I obviously don’t want their lives to be negatively impacted by not gaining appropriate advice but if I did it for one person, how many would I be meeting? I’m not a charity As I said, I don’t mind answering messages here and there or even pointing people towards a solicitor in that area but suddenly it feels like a lot. I’m on a salary right now so even if I was giving these people advice through work I wouldn’t be paid any extra for it.

So AIBU to not want to give advice to these people? And if I am please can you help me come up with a reply because I just keep being met with “I only wanted a coffee and a chat” when I tell them I can’t meet up with them and give them legal advice.

Not quite the same, but I work in tax and have now ended up doing yearly tax returns for three friends. The annoying thing is that this year one left it to 26 Feb (the deadline was 31 Jan but the £100 penalty was delayed until 28 Feb by HMRC this year). She phoned me at 8pm on the 26th!!!

We have friends who when they come to dinner always seem to have a list of questions for DH about their mortgages/ tax/ buy to let etc we have told them time and again that DH only knows the same as any of us from Google and his own research but they are convinced his job is an accountant when it isn’t!

I get asked for advice a lot- for some friends I am annoyed they haven’t come to me sooner and I’ll do lots of unpaid advice and coaching.

Acquaintances, I say “sorry, I don’t discuss work out of hours” and cut it dead.

I feel your pain OP. I particularly dislike the ones like 'will you speak to my friend' or the randoms who never contact me but then send me a 'quick' question or suddenly want a coffee . I get round it by saying I will have a one off chat for 10 mins and if there is more needed they can book an appointment through work. The only exception to that is very close friends or family. I've had 4 such WhatsApp messages this week. It really pisses me off.

Every single skilled professional gets that.
You're not that special, just young and naive, possibly a bit too proud of your oh-so-unique newly acquired qualifications (saviour complex?), and as a result, bad at saying no.

For years (decades), IT professionals have been wearing "no, I won't fix your computer" t-shirts, maybe you should get yourself one of these custom printed for lawyers?

(for information, the standard approach to cut these conversations short is to inform your interlocutor of your consultancy rates, and ask them for their preferred method of payment)

@RobotValkyrie

Every single skilled professional gets that. You're not that special, just young and naive, possibly a bit too proud of your oh-so-unique newly acquired qualifications (saviour complex?), and as a result, bad at saying no.

For years (decades), IT professionals have been wearing "no, I won't fix your computer" t-shirts, maybe you should get yourself one of these custom printed for lawyers?

Whilst I do agree that a lot of professionals get this to some extent OP said she works in the family law sector and also said The issue is some people (who admittedly are not very close friends) are messaging me disclosing ur some very personal stuff, which presumably means she is getting messages from acquaintances detailing their divorces, abusive relationships and custody battles and I don’t really think that compares with fixing someone’s computer and needs to be handled very differently.

I was getting family just sending parking tickets to me for a while, not even close to what I do. I'm now very good at making what I do sound convoluted.

Say you specialise in s32 residency for minors under maritime and naval legalities or something (this is just word salad obviously but it will throw most people off the scent enough to not care to ask more )

No.one.should be.working a 14-hour plus day except in the most extreme circumstances.

Not unreasonable at all. You need to draw boundaries. In your shoes, I'd be fine with answering a quick question or two, but not going through paperwork for them and basically working for them unpaid! I'm a school teacher and people are always asking my advice about education related things. I'm more than happy to chat, and answer questions, but not, for instance, to do private tutoring for free. A photographer friend does quick snaps for us occasionally but not a whole photoshoot for free. My hairdresser friend gives me hair advice sometimes, but doesn't do my highlights for free. I think it's about choosing where to draw the line and being firm about it. Good luck!

My husband & I were both in ur field. Lost count of the phone calls from random people who would pass us by in the street but wanted advice. Or shopping with our kids & would approach us on ‘delicate’ issues.
We never say what we really do on holiday, have changed details on FB & don’t give out our phone numbers but they still find a way.
Our neighbours are a in the medical profession & have the same issue.
You need a break x

It’s a thing you get used to in any profession. I’m a child psychologist- can you imagine the things I get approached about when I’m innocently cruising the buffet or waiting for brownies pick up?! When my daughter started a new school I turned down several coffee and chat offers from mums who should have known better.

I deflect by suggesting a chat with GP/ school. Sometimes I suggest a book to buy. Anything more would be a big professional risk and a boundary violation.

That having been said, I’ve given quite a bit of advice to close friends and have supported then through various processes such as ASD assessment. Generally professionals themselves who are aware of appropriate boundaries and not taking advantage. In return, they’ve helped us with antiques valuation, dog kidney advice, recommendations of breast surgeons etc. That’s a nice thing to be able to do.

My friend is a psychiatrist. When people at parties say the inevitable ‘oooh, I bet you analyse everyone at parties’ ( hint, hint). His brilliant reply is ‘nope, but you should meet my brother. He’s a proctologist.’

I'm a social worker, I get people who I haven't spoke to for months (but friends on social media) messaging me asking for advise for friends (usually around contact with non resident parents) or asking what to do about a child they are concerned about.

It's really annoying

Do what my sister did as a lawyer. She would say ‘it’s not really the time or the place, but if you want to book in to see me next week i can look into it for you. My rate is £300ph. I can probably drop that to £250 for friends and family. Would you like another coffee?’ And smile sweetly but firmly.

Yes its awkward and the first few times it’s uncomfortable, AND it pissed people off but they soon got the idea and didn’t ask again. You have spent a shit load of money and effort getting your qualifications. Don’t give it away for free.

Alternatively say ‘it’s not my area of expertise really. I can pass you onto a colleague who can help you with that’

They are CFs and calling their bluff will make them stop.

These days they can google most of the stuff you want to get out of a ‘coffee and a chat’ type session. So they can bloody well go do that.

I used to work for the FCO and as soon as people found out what I did I would be inundated with requests for info, most of which could be found in 5 minutes on Gov.Uk.

My lawyer father used to say "And which address shall I send your bill to". Friends would call at the weekend for advice saying they didn't want to bother him at the office (it was his firm).

I am a shrink
I get a lot of this
Requests for advice about medication, diagnosis, psychotherapy, legal stuff and also just generic 'you're a Dr stuff' including some randomer rolling up their trousers trying to show me a rash on their leg at a birthday party.

It would in fact be a GMC registration issue if I were to give bad advice based on the kind of partial information they are likely to be offering in a casual setting so I have a blanket response of 'no, I'm sorry I can't advise you please see your own GP and ask for a referral.' The only things I would ever advise on are things that are in the public domain eg crisis line numbers

It is awkward and feels impolite but the thing that motivates me to brave being thought impolite is the prospect of a GMC complaint if I were to get it wrong. That is the real reason not to do it. That and that we need the protection of professional boundaries. It's not good at all to have someone you are professionally advising being able to get hold of you 24-7 or come to your house. One could easily get accused of acting unprofessionally by some disgruntled person. If you never engage on a professional basis with random people then you avoid the risk of a career ending complaint.

I expect the same applies to the SRA

Not unreasonable at all. My husband is a landscape architect/garden designer. The amount of times he’s asked, ‘you couldn’t just pop over and do a little sketch could you? I’ll ply you with wine …..’ is unbelievable.

Tell everyone about your new career change.

Make is something boring and of no use to anyone.

It*

This must be so frustrating for you! I think I'd feel the same. YANBU.

I hope you find a way to get a good balance on this, and good luck with the progression of your career

Of course YANBU. To friends / family asking to meet up, I'd say "Of course we can meet up for coffee and a chat to catch up on the news, but no talking about work please!"

I’d say -without exception - “I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time, unfortunately the demands on my time are just so overwhelming there’s really no way I can help or talk you through it. I really do wish you all the best though.” Literally keep it in your notes app and copy & paste each time! I then just wouldn’t reply if they push beyond that -you don’t owe dialogues to every person that expects one.

YANBU. As others have said, you need a short, stock response. Something like: "I can't give you any legal advice. I can recommend a solicitor who specialises in this area."

People always find a way to take the piss!
My job is luckily not something that attracts CFs.

However, I have a similar situation.
When my eldest was a tot, she adored having her face painted.
I bought a few bits, and realized I had some talent. I ended up buying a full kit in an online sale. Figured it would be nice to offer to help with school fetes as she got older, and by then I had 2 DC's.
I helped at dance school fetes, school events.
Was lovely that I could give something back. The school made some money, and it was nice.

It was all great, until a close friend offered my services to her local village fayre. She didn't ask first - just told me the date and time.
I wasn't delighted, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to help.

It was a 4 hour slot, and they decided it would be free! This wasn't mentioned until I arrived.
I never personally changed anyone, but this was a whole new level of BS. They had devalued it completely, so it turned into a shambles.
The kids queued, had their faces painted, washed it off (nearby fountain)- then rejoined the queue.
I had children crying, parents complaining! Nobody acknowledged that it was my time/ materials/ efforts.
It was a miserable day, and I never offered, or agreed to do it ever again.

CFs ruin things for everyone.
I now value my time, and make sure others do too.

@Nextlevelnonsense

I hope you had strong words with your friend so she's never tempted to drop you in it in future. 🌹