Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People offering rooms to refugees

278 replies

Decorbreadthegingerate · 18/03/2022 08:52

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

OP posts:
OMG12 · 18/03/2022 15:26

@Blossomtoes - suffering from PTSD myself, I suspect this will vary greatly between persons, adults and children and level of treatment/management techniques they have received. I’m at a stage where 99.9% of the time no one would know. There’s times when I’ve been collapsed in hall ways, trapped in another time/space, had massive breakdowns etc. some people will be able to manage with the symptoms others won’t. But people should educate themselves of the possibilities before hand. The symptoms of ptsd destroy many families.

forinborin · 18/03/2022 15:30

@Nat6999

My exh who raped me has applied to house a Ukrainian refugee. Because the case didn't get to court he has a clean CRB record, I am extremely worried that a vulnerable woman may end up having to live for over 6 months with a rapist.
This is horrendous. Do you know which placement / matching scheme he has applied to? Please do report him to them.
Nothappyatwork · 18/03/2022 15:32

They wont take her word for it or believe her sadly

1forAll74 · 18/03/2022 15:36

I don't think people should broadcast to all and sundry, that they are going to host a refugee family. I am sure that all hosting accomodation will be vetted in some way,. and the hosting people too, as there are some dodgy people here and there.

knowinglesseveryday · 18/03/2022 15:52

I'm not keen on the "look at me being kind" posts either. I recently read a book about small town and country dwellers taking in city families during WW2. It was very much a mixed bag, with some long lasting friendships and also plenty of people returning to the cities to take their chances.

NippyWoowoo · 18/03/2022 16:01

@Longcovid21

*While I definitely agree with you about the race sentiment, can I ask why it is being accepted that the majority of these refugees are 'middle class'? I've seen it reported a lot. White I can see with my own eyes but where does MC come from?

Many are well dressed, professionals, educated, there have been videos of people playing grand pianos in bombed out flats. Many are comfortable and educated people in a desperate situation.

I'm well-dressed with a degree. Earning only the average salary and renting a studio flat so by no means 'middle class', by the UK's standards anyway.

It's just interesting how these words are thrown at groups of people. Who decides and why? Is it to make them look more desirable? To make people feel better for choosing to house them over others?

Decorbreadthegingerate · 18/03/2022 16:17

@DrSbaitso own that it's too much for you and you don't want to do it.

Childish logic. I don’t need to make myself feel better about what I do or don’t do. I do, however, want to properly consider what is right and most helpful. Because - amazingly! - this isn’t about me.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 18/03/2022 16:25

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]**@DrSbaitso* own that it's too much for you and you don't want to do it.*

Childish logic. I don’t need to make myself feel better about what I do or don’t do. I do, however, want to properly consider what is right and most helpful. Because - amazingly! - this isn’t about me.[/quote]
There's nothing childish about it. Is that even the word you meant to use?

But there is something - perhaps not childish exactly, but certainly distasteful - about trying to spin purposeful non-participation into being the more noble option.

You are absolutely making this about you, by starting a thread in which you position yourself as the moral arbiter, and attempt to frame the moral issue here as being about how hosts discuss the issue. It's not childish, it's dishonest and self serving.

It's clear deflection because you think hosts are showing you up; couldn't be more about you. Assuming you have the option to host (I don't think you'd have started this thread if you hadn't), you have a choice if these people make you uncomfortable: change your mind, or own that it just isn't something you're prepared to do. A silly pretzel logic narrative in which you do not host and berate those who do because you're the good guy who cares will not fool anyone.

ABitBesotted · 18/03/2022 16:26

It's just interesting how these words are thrown at groups of people.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Would an illiterate girl from Afghanistan dressed in tatters be somehow less worthy of a room in our home?

Do we have a dress-code now for those receiving charity?

Shiloh139 · 18/03/2022 16:46

As one of the people who have offered a room in our house, I disagree with you OP. I've given a description of our family and the house, mentioning that we have a playhouse with a slide in the back garden. Within 24 hours I was contacted by 3 women, 2 with kids, asking for more information. 1 of the women in the text said she picked our advert because of the information we had included in there. I've now spoken with the first woman who contacted me and she said she picked my advert to reply to because we sounded like a normal family, living in a decent area and that is what she wants for her and her 9 year old son. She likes the fact that our youngest child is a very similar age.

I included this sort of information (no photos in my advert) because some of them are so basic "Double room available in family home in London. Want to help" and I thought if I had to flee my home town with my children, some more information in the advert would help me in my search.

I'm not doing this for the likes and the humble brags on social media. My husband and I have discussed doing this with our children but otherwise haven't told a soul that we are going to host someone if we can. I don't intend to post on social media about it if I can avoid it. I guess technically MN is social media but I don't count it as such as none of you know who I am and I'm certainly not doing this for the likes and praise from a bunch of internet strangers (and especially not on this particular post when it seems like most of you will have a very negative view of what I'm doing).

A lot of people have asked on this forum and on news sites generally why people haven't opened up their homes to refugees before and I think that's a legitimate question although I also think we should be wary of a standard of perfection i.e. you haven't done that before for other refugees so therefore you shouldn't do it now. In the same way, it shouldn't (and in my view wouldn't) invalidate someone's efforts to help a refugee from say Afghan, if they then decided they'd do their bit and wouldn't be hosting any more refugees in the future. FWIW, I don't at all think opening your house to a homeless person equates given their likely addiction and mental health issues.

From my own perspective, I have thought about housing refugees in the past but I have never followed through for a number of reasons, not all of them brilliant. Those reasons include being anxious about cultural differences specifically in the way women were treated, having a strange man in my house and the danger potential - I never actually looked into it and had I done so would have realised that I could be quite specific about who I say we're happy to house (women and children only). The government involvement in the current scheme, woeful though the information available to us at the moment is, gives me some reassurance that this won't be indefinite and there will be some support, particularly as they're saying Ukrainians will be able to work and claim benefits immediately. The £350 payment is a factor for us as my husband has just become self-employed so we've gone to a 1 income household. I am a high earner so we are lucky to be able to still cope relatively comfortably but not to the extent that we could afford all the costs of 2 extra people in our home. However, we don't plan to make a profit from the payment, we intend to use it to try and cover any costs in gas, electric and water (we're on a meter so there definitely will be increased costs there) and their food bill. We've decided if there's any money left over after that, we will save it and give it to our guests. Another factor is that I genuinely never thought it was something my husband would contemplate and I was very pleasantly surprised when I finally asked him about it, that he said he was up for doing it. Finally, we live in a 3 bedroom house and have 2 children so we don't actually have a spare bedroom but we talked to our kids and they said they thought we should do it and that they would be happy to share a room so we can help. We're willing to do this on the basis that it will be 6-9 months, if our house was bigger maybe we'd be willing to do it for longer. Finally, the fact that as a family we've all been open to doing this has led to us having conversations about hosting a refugee from another country once my husband's business picks up, if we don't end up hosting someone from Ukraine and we've agreed that we will do this or at least try to.

We're not blind to the difficulties of this hosting situation for those hosting us and the impact it will have on us. I'm sure we don't understand just how difficult it will be but who does, when trying something new. I come back to the idea that a desire for perfection should not stop me from offering anything at all. If I was in their situation, I would rather someone take us in and offer us a safe, warm home in a room that might be a bit too small with no en-suite, than leave me living in the basement of a public building with my children, afraid at any minute what the air raid sirens might bring.

zafferana · 18/03/2022 17:00

@Blimecory

Many are well dressed, professionals, educated, there have been videos of people playing grand pianos in bombed out flats. Many are comfortable and educated people in a desperate situation.

Many will be MC , many won’t be, but they are all in the same situation now - without money. Many now will have lost their jobs, so no income, and if they had any savings, they won’t be able to access them, and they’re virtually worthless anyway. They won’t be able to just rent a flat somewhere in Poland.

Not true, but anyway, if it were me fleeing war in Ukraine with my 2DC, having left DH behind in Ukraine to fight the Russians, I'd much rather stay close by. It's all very well Wizz Air and Eurostar letting people travel to the UK, Germany, France, wherever for free, but what about when those people want/need to get home? I'd hate to be stranded on the far side of Europe. I'll be interested to see how many Ukrainians actually want to come here. Those with family/friends already here is one thing, but I can't imagine that 145,000 others will want to be so far from home. I know I wouldn't.
bozzabollix · 18/03/2022 17:01

@Shiloh139 well done to you, as you rightly say it’s not an easy road but you’re doing something inherently good that will make a huge difference to a family. As you say, anything is better than waiting for the bomb to drop.

Partyatnumber10 · 18/03/2022 17:01

@Lookingforanswers202

Hostels already host refugees from other countries I think that would be the best process, it would require government money obviously.

This way the government can put the onus on the public and they can manipulate the cases where it fails to their advantage.

There's a lot of Afghan refugees still in hotels and they're very unhappy and feel unwelcome in the country. Presumably this is why the Govt are taking a different approach

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/afghans-hotels-housing-refugees-kabul-home-office-uk-b2014903.html

This thread basically reads as if the op feels a bit guilty about her decision not to participate and is trying to justify it.
The thing is though, it's fine not to participate if you've decided it isn't for you but you can still be supportive and kind to those who have decided to give it a go.

DrSbaitso · 18/03/2022 17:05

The problem with moralism, as opposed to morality, is that it shifts the focus from what it should be - in this case, finding safe havens for refugees - on to contests about who is the superior person.

The issue at hand is that refugees need safe places. Ideally, yes, the government would be able and willing to house them all and provide all necessary support for them to live in the community. In practice, that's unlikely to happen, so what actually matters here - finding enough safe spaces, or making sure nobody commits the sin of pride by talking about doing it? Which is actually the important act of good?

Concerns about exploitation of vulnerable people are valid and good, and we realise even people with clear DBS checks can turn out to be predators. But again, the best solution, if the government can't or won't address it fully, is to get as many safe homes into the system as possible so the predators are less likely to get a victim. It's not to deflect and bloviate about the sin of pride. That one really doesn't matter right now.

EezyOozy · 18/03/2022 17:10

We have registered and posted on a couple of Facebook groups but I'm pretty sure we will be too rural for most Ukrainian refugees, Whom I expect would prefer to be in a city where they can walk places and meet other Ukrainians easily.

We live in a village with limited public transport links although we do have a school and a nursery and a shop/post office! We can only offer a double bedroom with use of the family bathroom. We do have a beautiful garden, lots of lovely walks, beaches, we live in a lovely friendly community and I have two young children so perhaps we could be the best option for somebody, we are certainly not predatory in anyway! I don't actually expect to be taken up on my offer but I thought I would put it out there in case we are somebody's best option, And it would certainly be a very safe place for somebody.

Longcovid21 · 18/03/2022 17:29

@zafferana which bit do you think is not true? It's not clear from your post.

zafferana · 18/03/2022 17:36

This bit @Longcovid21 if they had any savings, they won’t be able to access them, and they’re virtually worthless anyway

Longcovid21 · 18/03/2022 17:43

But it's irrelevant. They would get used up very quickly on accommodation. Remember these people have left jobs and won't get paid. Using savings on hotels or rentals would not be sustainable long term

zafferana · 18/03/2022 18:01

@Longcovid21

But it's irrelevant. They would get used up very quickly on accommodation. Remember these people have left jobs and won't get paid. Using savings on hotels or rentals would not be sustainable long term
How do you know how much savings people have?

Either way, if I were a fleeing Ukrainian, I'd rather stay local, especially if I had a DH, DPs or other loved ones still in Ukraine.

EezyOozy · 18/03/2022 18:04

Either way, if I were a fleeing Ukrainian, I'd rather stay local, especially if I had a DH, DPs or other loved ones still in Ukraine.

There are a lot of Ukrainians looking for UK sponsors on the Facebook groups I'm on

forinborin · 18/03/2022 18:13

@Longcovid21

But it's irrelevant. They would get used up very quickly on accommodation. Remember these people have left jobs and won't get paid. Using savings on hotels or rentals would not be sustainable long term
I know it sounds crazy but there are people who still work in those circumstances.

A friend's wife is a teacher, she still runs her classes (under the remote homeschooling framework established during covid). Her students are everywhere, from bomb shelters in their home town, to dormitories in Western Ukraine, to scattered all over Europe. She's still paid.

Longcovid21 · 18/03/2022 18:16

@zafferana you really are on another planet if you think people can use their savings to book into a nice air b n b across the border until this blows over and then they can pop back. Cities are being decimated. No one is going to worry if there is a cheesy golden retriever in a photo or not.

Blimecory · 18/03/2022 18:24

@forinborin
Do you know if Ukrainian people are being paid generally, even if they can’t work, things being what they are? Perhaps bigger companies might be able to pay staff, but smaller ones might struggle.

forinborin · 18/03/2022 18:37

[quote Blimecory]@forinborin
Do you know if Ukrainian people are being paid generally, even if they can’t work, things being what they are? Perhaps bigger companies might be able to pay staff, but smaller ones might struggle.[/quote]
Really depends on what they do, and where. Civil servants, I think, generally are paid (or promised to be paid), and many of them do work remotely. Western Ukraine is running almost as usual in that respect. On the other hand, there obviously are places in the East where money stopped having any value at all, so no one cares whether they are paid or not.

Again, mind that it has been three weeks so far only, so really hard to say, most places haven't been through one payroll cycle yet. My parents' pensions even have been paid well in advance.

thebabessavedme · 18/03/2022 19:03

Please please please do not underestimate how very difficult it can be living with a person with severe PTSD, I have lived with the consiquences for over 30 years, my exh suffered/still suffers terribly due to combat PTSD which has had a huge effect on me and my dd. I wont go into details, its difficult and private, but PTSD should not be dismissed as 'easy to live with'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread