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AIBU?

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Original poster

People offering rooms to refugees

278 replies

Decorbreadthegingerate · 18/03/2022 08:52

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

OP posts:
FuckeryOmbudsman · 18/03/2022 14:52

I think in a few years time, the abuse of women refugees and their DC will be a national scandal. And people will be wondering how on earth it was allowed to happen

Unvetted hosts are a seriously bad idea.

forinborin · 18/03/2022 14:53

@BennyTheWonderDog

if they had any savings, they won’t be able to access them, and they’re virtually worthless anyway

This isn't entirely true. Payment cards etc are still working. The hryvnia is currently worth about 2.6p, down from about 2.9p before the war- so it's down but it's not worthless at all.

The bigger short-term financial issues are lack of income and the fact that some people have taken hryvnia out of Ukraine as cash which they now can't exchange.

Also to add that savings were in hard currency usually, dollar or euro. If you felt particularly anglophilic, several banks offered sterling saving accounts.
adriftabroad · 18/03/2022 14:56

If a husband, injured etc during the war wants to join his family, what happens?

forinborin · 18/03/2022 14:56

@NippyWoowoo

Bluntly, because these refugees have white skin and are middle class.

While I definitely agree with you about the race sentiment, can I ask why it is being accepted that the majority of these refugees are 'middle class'? I've seen it reported a lot. White I can see with my own eyes but where does MC come from?

I'm not being facetious, I am genuinely curious. I live in a compound of privately rented flats, but none of the residents are considered 'middle class'. Yet I'd expect we'd all be seeking refuge elsewhere if it ever came to it.

Would we be described as 'middle class' as well? Would people in state housing not be fleeing?

It is more about who is able to reach the UK (both physically and virtually) in the first place. There is a massive self-selection going on.

They will be more likely people who will have funds to travel to the UK, as well as being comfortable with other cultures (likely, through having some exposure to them via travel, work or study abroad) and some fluency in English.

forinborin · 18/03/2022 14:57

@adriftabroad

If a husband, injured etc during the war wants to join his family, what happens?
Nothing happens.
OMG12 · 18/03/2022 14:57

I do worry about asking people to host probably very traumatised people in their homes with I assume no support/training. I’m sure people are thinking, we will sit down and have a chat about everything over a cup of tea. But are they prepared for screaming nightmares, flashbacks, hyper vigilance (inc lack of trust, paranoid thoughts, rearrangement of furniture to feel safe) angry outbursts, behavioural problems from children, self medicating etc.

Of course not all refugees will suffer any/all the above but many will. How are these nice families going to cope with this in their homes? There needs to be massive support for these people. People really need to consider the (potential) realities. But I suspect many of these offers come from bored SAHM Janet who thinks it will be nice to have a bit of company whilst telling the mums at the school gates they have their very own refugee. Hearts in the right place but things have the potential to go very wrong.

SparklePopRampage · 18/03/2022 14:58

@thebabessavedme

Having given this whole idea a lot of thought I believe its a recipie for disaster.

It sounds like a wonderful, humane thing to do, however I think that the government should take the approach that these refuges need to be housed together in decent hotels, they need each other, the familiar langugue, the support of being with people who have had the same terrible experiences, who are seperated from family, who have basically lost everything amid ongoing trauma.

They need proffessional help with trauma counsellers, immediate help with working out what happens to them next, help with finding out the status of husbands (dead or alive) the children need to keep some sort of education going in their own langugue etc. The list goes on.

As nice as it sounds I would think it would be incredibly traumatic to find yourself in a strangers home with a huge langugue barrier and just be expected to 'fit in'. I honestly think that it would be ok for maybe a couple of weeks but I can foresee huge problems on the horizon for these poor souls and I think they should be housed together, even now, we are a very rich country and could afford to do it.

This.
Blimecory · 18/03/2022 14:59

@BennyTheWonderDog and @forinborin
I see. Thanks for explaining. I’d been reading bits of the financial press where it said Ukrainian cash was now more or less without value. But if you’ve fled to Poland, you would be able to use your Ukrainian bank card there to buy things and convert currency? I’d read that the international bank was trying to shore the system up so that people could access their money abroad, but I didn’t know if that had happened.

Blossomtoes · 18/03/2022 15:01

Unvetted hosts are a seriously bad idea.

They are. Fortunately there won’t be any. Every host will require a DRB and a check of their house will be carried out.

adriftabroad · 18/03/2022 15:01

@forinborin I don't understand your reply. Sorry!

If you have a wife, two DC's and a husband wants to come as the home is detroyed, he is injured, something awful like that, what happens?

Blimecory · 18/03/2022 15:02

[quote adriftabroad]@forinborin I don't understand your reply. Sorry!

If you have a wife, two DC's and a husband wants to come as the home is detroyed, he is injured, something awful like that, what happens?[/quote]
He has to stay in Ukraine. It doesn’t matter if he wants to come. He can’t.

Blossomtoes · 18/03/2022 15:03

If you have a wife, two DC's and a husband wants to come as the home is detroyed, he is injured, something awful like that, what happens?

Nothing happens. He stays where he is.

BennyTheWonderDog · 18/03/2022 15:03

@Blimecory Yes, Ukrainian bank cards are working abroad. It's cash that's the problem.

TabithaTiger · 18/03/2022 15:04

The scheme does worry me. I think there will be some people who will be amazing hosts and it will be a great experience for all involved. However, I think there will be other kind hearted souls who jump head first into this and don't really consider the impact having a traumatised family living in their home will have on their lives. And we have to remember that not all the refugees will be nice people. Refugees are not a homogenous group. Like all communities there will be some who are polite and well mannered, others who are rude, dirty, inconsiderate, etc. You won't know this until they move into your home.

I wonder what sorts of checks are being carried out? It does worry me that vulnerable women and children could be placed with abusers.

bozzabollix · 18/03/2022 15:05

I’m considering responding to these appeals, we have two spare rooms and a separate bathroom. It’s safe accommodation, I know we aren’t going to exploit anyone.

The reason why I’m hesitating is for the reasons the OP has identified, and for the fact it’s going to be difficult plus it’s a long commitment. But if we were in a similar position ourselves would we want to be in a quiet safe area to recover or some very iffy hostel? The former for sure.

Not everyone hosting will be doing it to post on social media or for the money, there is such a thing as trying to do the least bad thing. Obviously the best case scenario is the war stops and families reunite back in Ukraine, but in the absence of that there’s a series of other scenarios which British hosts will play a part of. Yes some will be virtue seekers, some will be arseholes, but there’s also a hell of a lot of decency out there too thinking ‘there for the Grace of god’.

Attitudes like I see here remind me just how individualistic our society now is here. This is the same country who only eighty years ago rural dwellers had to take in children from cities with absolutely no choice. I don’t see this as being especially different. Certain people do what they can, others try to make aspersions because they don’t want to do it themselves. Fair enough, but don’t dress it up as care for these people.

forinborin · 18/03/2022 15:05

[quote Blimecory]**@BennyTheWonderDog* and @forinborin*
I see. Thanks for explaining. I’d been reading bits of the financial press where it said Ukrainian cash was now more or less without value. But if you’ve fled to Poland, you would be able to use your Ukrainian bank card there to buy things and convert currency? I’d read that the international bank was trying to shore the system up so that people could access their money abroad, but I didn’t know if that had happened.[/quote]
Cash, yes, not accepted abroad.

But the reality is that very few people held their savings in local currency as cash anyway.
Yes, you can use your ukrainian card abroad to buy things. Many banks also waived transaction fees and currency conversion fees, so it is not even that bad exchange rate wise.

adriftabroad · 18/03/2022 15:06

@Blossomtoes

If you have a wife, two DC's and a husband wants to come as the home is detroyed, he is injured, something awful like that, what happens?

Nothing happens. He stays where he is.

Oh! Thank you.
adriftabroad · 18/03/2022 15:07

and @Blimecory, thanks.

forinborin · 18/03/2022 15:08

[quote adriftabroad]@forinborin I don't understand your reply. Sorry!

If you have a wife, two DC's and a husband wants to come as the home is detroyed, he is injured, something awful like that, what happens?[/quote]
He can't come, as he won't be able to leave Ukraine in the first place (with a few exceptions).

In any case, there's no right for the refugee family to invite him (or anyone else) over to the place they are staying, if that's the concern.

DrSbaitso · 18/03/2022 15:08

Certain people do what they can, others try to make aspersions because they don’t want to do it themselves. Fair enough, but don’t dress it up as care for these people.

Yes, that's what's annoying me.

Own that it's too much for you and you don't want to do it. It's not an obligation. But please stop coming up with pretzel logic to try to make out that actually you're doing the noble selfless thing and you're driven by concern for the refugees.

If you're really worried about unsafe hosts, that's all the more reason to put more safe ones into the pool.

OMG12 · 18/03/2022 15:12

Just a question for those considering offering a room in their family home have you considered what it would be like living with someone with ptsd (which is a very real possibility) and researched the effects of trauma on refugees?

solbunny · 18/03/2022 15:12

I think there will be lots of lovely, kind people offering up their homes. But I worry that predators will also exploit this scheme for access to vulnerable people.

I do suspect that this scheme is easier and cheaper for the government than alternatives which is why they've gone for it.

However, since this is the scheme they've given us then if I had the room I probably would take part. But I do also share your concerns OP that these are vulnerable people that will need specialist support that I'm unable to provide, I would hope that government will be providing access to that? But who knows with tories.

Blossomtoes · 18/03/2022 15:18

@OMG12

Just a question for those considering offering a room in their family home have you considered what it would be like living with someone with ptsd (which is a very real possibility) and researched the effects of trauma on refugees?
I already live with someone with PTSD. Frankly it’s much less of an issue than you think it is.
Nat6999 · 18/03/2022 15:21

My exh who raped me has applied to house a Ukrainian refugee. Because the case didn't get to court he has a clean CRB record, I am extremely worried that a vulnerable woman may end up having to live for over 6 months with a rapist.

ilovebrie8 · 18/03/2022 15:23

I think the government were put under a huge amount of pressure to do something so this is what they came up with. There are a lot of issues and it’s not ideal...bottom line is some people fleeing will be lucky others not so as it’s risky and not everyone has good intentions...some will end up in horrible situations and risks of exploitation...am not convinced offering the £350 was a good idea as that will incentivise the dodgy ones

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