Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
Juno22 · 21/03/2022 06:23

Sorry for my shock in previous post but as your mum almost certainly is no older than her sixties, if not younger, I find it really unusual she doesn't know how to open a text. I'm in my fifties and don't know anyone my age, or even several years older, who doesn't!

Anyway, I'm really glad you found your cousin and I hope it all works out well for you all.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/03/2022 08:09

I know a couple of people who don't use mobile phones at all, it's not unheard of.

gannett · 21/03/2022 08:16

He hasn't mentioned any trauma or family problems yet, quite the opposite.

He probably wouldn't mention them off the bat, if they existed. If his intent is to rebuild bridges and have a positive start with you all, he's not going to want to start by opening a can of worms and bringing up all the feelings about why he left in the first place.

Or he may have had therapy and processed them, and he may not want to bring it up for his own sake.

ESGdance · 21/03/2022 08:59

He hasn't mentioned any trauma or family problems yet, quite the opposite.

Even if he had a wonderful time at the grandparents there is no doubt he is traumatised after being born to two addicts, raised no doubt chaotically for some time before being taken to the grandparents and then possibly never seeing them again before they both died. Clues that he was struggling emotionally were not being in employment and being socially withdrawn by living in his bedroom and gaming (likely a dissociative / addictive maladaptive coping mechanism in its self). He was also living with his grandparents who themselves must have been hugely distressed by their own sons alcoholism and inability to cope and tej grandfather living with his own POW, disability and PTSD - so much long term intergenerational trauma there in that household for everyone. It sounds like he has a stable life now though but it can’t have been easy.

Bluecatsalltheway · 21/03/2022 10:54

I read the whole thread and I think that there must be some bitterness or some deep unanswered feelings why he did what he did.
If he had a happy upbringing in a happy house, why to leave and not contact anyone, even his friends?
He could still leave and still occasionally send a card or make a call.
I left my native country when I was 24 years old in 1998 just for a few months job.
I never returned home as I made friends here, not another job, made my own family, got married etc.
I was also brought up by my Grandparents mostly as my mum was working nonstop and I had no dad.
But I still phoned back home, I was sending cards every few months, to the half of the village, to my friends etc.
There must be a reason why he left and never contacted anyone, even though he says he tried to contact and failed, I can not see how, with him being IT smart and with great mobile/ social media connectivities all around us.

Bluecatsalltheway · 21/03/2022 10:56
  • got another job I meant
Miriamkiwi · 27/03/2022 19:25

If you're certain it was him you could have a public Facebook page with family pictures and hopefully he'll be able to feel the love , see old pics etc heaven only knows why but you can see it as a way for him to reconnect easily. 🥰

Momto4plus3 · 29/03/2022 17:30

But someone could have stolen his passport/ID and found out his full name - middle and all. I'd do the DNA - make your presence known. Your email is out there - maybe one day.

SoupDragon · 29/03/2022 17:42

@Momto4plus3

But someone could have stolen his passport/ID and found out his full name - middle and all. I'd do the DNA - make your presence known. Your email is out there - maybe one day.
There was information that only this person could have known though.
LadyEloise1 · 13/05/2023 18:19

Any update @Verity226 ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread