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AIBU?

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Original poster

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
catsoop · 19/03/2022 23:36

Brilliant news!!
Did you find anything more out?

starfishmummy · 19/03/2022 23:37

I'm fairly certain it was him on the ancestry site. Our surname isn't common, the chance of somebody having his exact first and middle names alongside our surname is extremely slim.

You would be surprised. I'm doing my family tree and often think that. Only to discover that every generation and branch of the family has used the "unusual" names. What I think will be an easy search becomes quite the opposite as there are dozens of "cousings" with the same name!!

starfishmummy · 19/03/2022 23:44

I didn't get any email notification that he'd replied on the site otherwise I would have known alot sooner that he had done.

I have heard that happens a lot on Ancestry. I believe you have to opt in to get them

Juniper68 · 20/03/2022 00:23

Excellent news. It's so nice to hear something good for a change Smile

Myida · 20/03/2022 01:18

My cousin disappeared as well. It was around 6 years ago. He had a very bad relationship with family, especially with his dad. He spent all his life in escaping, it happened lots of times and finally he made it. In my opinion it’s better respect his decision.

Pinklemonade1 · 20/03/2022 07:46

I think it's great that you have some kind of contact now. Whatever his reasons are for not being in touch sooner, there are obviously reasons. It's good to know he is alive and well. Hopefully he will feel you are a safe person to discuss this with in the future as you were a child when he vanished.

sherbertdib · 20/03/2022 08:05

I find it interesting how he's on the ancestry site with his real name but untraceable otherwise

Also, he wants to research his family tree but no contact with his actual family

If i were you, i would want to dig a bit more

Have you googled him? Presume you have

bemusedmoose · 20/03/2022 08:25

It's one thing to vanish - people do it for all sorts of reasons. But to then surface on ancestry is odd. If he cut all ties, why would he then be doing a family tree on a family he left? Maybe he is trying to find his parents or see if he has unknown sibblings? Maybe see if his grandparents are still alive. There is also a possibility he had an accident and had amnesia and no one knew who he was and spent the rest of his life as a John Doe or other name until recently.

As for no reply - he might not want to, it might have shocked him and he doesnt know what to say or he might not have been on to get your message. But i would leave it to him to answer, for whatever reason he disappeared, getting in touch would be a monumental step for him so let him take the next step in his own time.

roxyro · 20/03/2022 08:32

Personally, I find this very suspicious. If this man had never been reported as missing I’d find it even more suspicious. I don’t find the Ancestry link convincing either.

KateRose · 20/03/2022 08:34

This is so all round sad. Maybe he encountered addiction issues (like his parents) and life has not gone the way he would have liked it to. Strangely I was speaking to my Uncle who’d been estranged from our family for about 12 years and he’d completely changed his view of the family’s / lots of hidden grievances / issues / from all the earlier seemingly ‘happy’ days. It’s interesting that he may have wanted to observe the family from afar on Ancestry; maybe with time he may connect with you. Or maybe he was looking for any inheritance.

Gotago · 20/03/2022 09:08

Great news, I hope you have a long and happy reunion

Febrier · 20/03/2022 09:37

The people above who are replying without RTFT!! It's such obnoxious behaviour.

OP, well done! How exciting. Lots of luck with this relationship in the future.

Febrier · 20/03/2022 09:40

I don’t find the Ancestry link convincing either. Really @roxyro? Despite the fact that OP, who knows the actual content of the messages and knew the man throughout her childhood, does?

mamabear715 · 20/03/2022 09:46

@Verity226
Am so pleased for you!
We had a similar thing in my late husband's family, won't say too much because it could be outing, but the person concerned was left some money in a will, was tracked down, didn't want the money & didn't want to be in touch. His choice, obviously, and I thought the person who left him the money was very sweet, but I only got to know that person in old age. I think he'd had a different experience & a tough upbringing. I think we all respected his point of view.

WomanStanleyWoman · 20/03/2022 09:55

@milkyaqua

I'm sad that he might have thought I wasn't bothered as I didn't reply to his message for over a bloody year

Two years.

Two years is over a year. The clue’s in the name.
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/03/2022 10:11

He's obviously in a better space mentally. Him saying he couldnt find anyone o line before could just mean he wasnt ready to yet.
Lots of cynics on here but as you say OP, you are certain from his messages that it is him. I'm sure his GP loved him enough to have forgiven him, even if they died not knowing.
I hope anyone who's 'missing' and reading this thread isn't put off contacting their family in case they're judged and accused of being uncaring etc.

It's never too late to "come home"

zingally · 20/03/2022 10:16

Remember, you were only 8 when he disappeared. A literal child. Your belief that everything was fine for him at home, and that he was happy etc, is being seen through the eyes of a child. Where, presuming you grew up in a happy, stable home, you won't ever have seen or understood signs of abuse or unhappiness. Especially in someone who was a fair chunk older than you.

I would imagine there is a LOT more backstory here that you were never privy to, and you've also only ever heard the grandparents version of events.

If it is him on Ancestry, you've reached out and opened the door to communication. Now it's on him to decide if he wants to step through it.

Original poster
Verity226 · 20/03/2022 10:43

So he's not gay, I asked whether he had any children or a significant other and he said he has a girlfriend he has been with for years and they would like children (he's 46 now)

He's financially comfortable and has a career in IT (which I guessed would be the case strangely) and he and his partner enjoy travelling.

He hasn't mentioned any trauma or family problems yet, quite the opposite. He's talking of having lovely memories of our grandparents and his upbringing with them.

He asked how my mum was and I was honest about her having problems with alcohol which surprised him as he never saw her drunk when he was around (her drinking began years after he left)

He says he's never touched a drop of alcohol because he saw what it did to his own mum, so he's tee total.

He seems really happy and well rounded but very regretful that he didn't get to say goodbye to our grandparents.

He does mention feeling as though his life had no direction before he left and wanting to make something of himself, so I'm thinking his departure could have been a matter of finding himself rather than running away from something?

He was in his late 20s when he left and had spent quite a few years not doing much, spending alot of time gaming etc so it could be that he had a wake up call and decided he wanted more and wasn't going to find it in our small little home town.

He's adamant he wants to come back to the UK and see everybody, see me and my mum, our aunts. He said he remembers me as being like a sister to him, much like I said he felt like a brother to me.

Its all sounding very positive at the minute and no hint of any negativity at all.

OP posts:
Lollypip · 20/03/2022 10:50

I feel people on mumsnet just jump straight to the negative.

In my opinion, he wanted to escape his life so went travelling, discovered his new life was to his benefit and basically didn't make effort to contact anyone as it felt better to start a new maybe. Who knows what went on in his life before that. Parents with addictions is enough of a trauma.

I think possibly as he has aged he has felt some regret or curiosity, maybe he has children who wanted to know more? Either way, he has then signed up to ancestry then. Maybe he doesn't have social media? I don't have facebook and I doubt I am unusual in that. I think I can see from his message in reply to you, that he has offered his email address to be passed to other family members.

I would just play it by ear. You have nothing to lose by just having a casual conversation about his new life or your grandparents or whatever.

rosy16 · 20/03/2022 10:58

I'm not sure how helpful this is but, I have very often thought about doing the same thing. I still do. It's rooted in shame due to some things in my personal life and familial issues that are very stressful. I've never gone ahead with it because I didn't want to upset my family. He probably is dealing with some upsetting issues he feels he can't talk about. And because he's been gone for so long it's hard to look back. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's lovely you reached out to him in such a kind fashion.

Bluecatsalltheway · 20/03/2022 10:59

.

PearlyShamps · 20/03/2022 11:53

I'm so pleased to hear that it is all sounding positive so far. That's great news.

Good luck with any future reunion. My advice would be to take things slow, and let him open up in his own time.

Really, really happy for you that you've found him safe and well Smile

whynotwhatknot · 20/03/2022 11:55

Happy for you but still be wary i dont buy the i couldnt get in contact with anyone until now line

your gp didnt move till one of them died and you said aunt wa sin the same place all her life so hes lying about something

milkyaqua · 20/03/2022 13:29

Christ, how the hell is he going to feel if he ever finds out you've relayed all his private business on mumsnet, having dissected his past decisions and allowed continued negative commentary on his character? None of this has been done out of concern for him or for his welfare.

Febrier · 20/03/2022 14:19

What? None of OP’s comments have been malicious. She has relentlessly defended him and yet you hold her responsible for others’ comments?

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