My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

[Verity226]

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know?

You know thinking about it, part of the problem for me back then was that as a child i had to call ALL adults Auntie this and Uncle that so it was v confusing

Ah that’s v sad. POW, disability and likely untreated PTSD is enough trauma to contain and spill over onto the next generation. I hope that your family have some respite and healing from this development.

@BeautifulGreenEyes That is shocking. Thanks for writing it out.

@BeautifulGreenEyes such a sad story, so glad she blocked the lot of them.

Did G ever try to contact D?

It's exciting. I really hope he gets back to you 🤞

Wow @BeautifulGreenEyes that story had me captivated and made me feel extremely sad for D. I hope that wherever she is, she is healing peacefully

No advice but I was planning to go missing myself about 25 yrs ago.
I was 19 and was planning to take a secret flight to Ireland from Canada and just begin a new life. I did have a traumatic upbringing but things were quite calm and ok at the time I was planning to do it. I actually didn't even care how upset my family might feel tbh. I just wanted to start over somewhere else that no one would suspect. This was pre internet times so I did my research in the library about what country I wanted to run away to. I still think about how crazy my plan was. If I was murdered no one would have even known where I was. Anything could have happened to me.

Anyways without giving to much outing info away, I did kinda end up running away a year later after meeting my DH (he's also from another country) and I moved to his country to live. So I kinda got to start over without cutting all ties.

I can understand why people choose to go missing. Life sucks sometimes and it's easier to just run away for some people.

I've just read the thread. Pleased for your update @Verity226
Just thought I would share my experience and thoughts on why I was planning to go missing.
Good luck with navigating things.

@BudgeUpAnne

Wow *@BeautifulGreenEyes* that story had me captivated and made me feel extremely sad for D. I hope that wherever she is, she is healing peacefully

@BudgeUpAnne

Wow @BeautifulGreenEyes that story (from 12.57 today,) had me captivated and made me feel extremely sad for D. I hope that wherever she is, she is healing peacefully...

Thank you I hope she is healing peacefully too. It takes a lot to completely cut family out of your life, and people do don't do it lightly. My friend (Rachel) said she was very sad that her cousin 'D' just blocked her and refused to respond, as she got on OK with her, and did keep in contact with her (whereas many of the others didn't.)

But as I said, Rachel hadn't been in touch for 6 to 8 months, so not regular contact at all. 'D' did always do the running before too, and obviously decided she had had enough. And even though 'D' got on OK with Rachel, I guess she had to block and ghost ALL of them, not just one.

@Squeezita

Such a sad story. So glad she blocked the lot of them. Has 'G' ever tried to contact 'D?'

As far as I know 'G' has never tried to contact 'D.' She just hasn't bothered. Her OWN DAUGHTER. She didn't even care when D ghosted her, and didn't care that she (and her boyfriends) abused D, and no-one believed D when she spoke about it.

@debwong

Thanks for writing that out. That is shocking!

Yes it is. Shocking and sad...

@Verity226 Thanks for your nice words, and sorry to hijack your thread! Hope everything works out for you (and your cousin.)

I also suspect that his upbringing was more dysfunctional than it first seems, people cope in different ways. Your mum with alcohol and perhaps with a dose of denial as a way of coping, him by removing himself from family life.

I hope he is happy and living a good life.

@Laiste

You know thinking about it, part of the problem for me back then was that as a child i had to call ALL adults Auntie this and Uncle that so it was v confusing

Tell about it!! Very confusing when you suddenly realised that you aren't actually related to half the people in your town

Something similar happened to a cousin of mine. He looked after his mum for a long time before she died. After she died the house was sold and the proceeds split equally between him and his sister who had moved to Australia 25 years before (tbh I was in 2 minds about that yes I see she wanted to treat them the same but he'd cared for her beautifully over the years while his sister avoided it but that's a whole different can of worms.)

We're part of a large extended irish family, but he's not been in any contact with any aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I don't even know if there's any contact with his sister. (I've lost contact with her but other cousins have had online contact.)

Although he was a lovely, lovely guy he did have a serious gambling addiction and I wonder if he went under cover because of that. His parents had long divorced as his dad had similar issues. I know his dad had moved back to Ireland and I kind of hope he joined him. But clearly there was some reason why he didn't keep contact with even a single cousin.

I find this fascinating, but we don't know what the story is, he could have got into some stuff he was ashamed of? has anyone on here cut off completely from all past ties? might be insightful if there is anyone else who has done this. I don't think it is necessarily that he was traumatised by his past, it could be that, but it isn't necessarily that, when someone just goes out of your life it is hard to make sense of.
My heart goes out to his grandparents, that is so sad for them not to know what happened to him, I am sorry to read that. There is a bit of me that thinks whatever his reason that is quite selfish not to let them know that he is ok, but who am I to judge, who knows he might have been living a nightmare.

There could be any number of reasons I suppose, perhaps something happened to him, as a direct result of a family member and doesn't want any links to the rest of the family.

If it is really him, it's a horrible thing to do to leave family and friends wondering for all those years. At least they could just say it's their choice and they don't want to be contacted.

My relative used to have a house in France but was living in US. Once, a policeman came to see him and told that the neighbour in France wanted to talk to him urgently. Turned out, she wanted to ask if he would rent his house to her daughter for several months! So the French lady just went to the local gendarme and asked them to find him in the US by his name, and so they did, and American police simply worked with them.

I haven't heard anything back to my email yet, I know its only been a day but in the age of smart phones and all that.. people do tend to see them straight away.

I'm absolutely kicking myself for not logging back into ancestry and seeing his message sooner. I'm worried I've missed the window and he probably isn't bothered now.

Usually when people disappear it's because they're running away from something, not necessarily a current situation but sometimes it's feelings and memories that they want to suppress. Maybe he wanted a completely new start. Or perhaps when he got over there he got involved in something that he didn't want your parents to know about, or that he was too ashamed to tell them out. The longer someone isolates themselves, harder it is to come back and face what they left. I would just see this as closure that he's ok and he's living his life and he doesn't want his family to be any part of it, As sad as that is to accept. You have reached out so if he want to contact you he still might in time. It was probably a huge shock to have you contact him after so long of being untraceable so just give him time

It could be that he got into trouble at some point and didn’t know how to explain or reconnect. Especially as he didn’t stay in touch with mates either. I wouldn’t give up. Maybe just follow up with . Good to know your okay. No questions asked .. if he does reach out double check something only he would know to be on the safe side..

It sounds like he was running from something, but give him some time to digest the information and I wouldn’t go telling his friend as you don’t know what it was he was running from.

I would leave him be for a while and then send a msg saying that although you was young when he left, you miss the relationship you 2 had buy no pressure and that you will be there when/if he feels ready for contact in future. And leave your phone number.

I’d be so cautious about digging in to this. So many traumatic outcomes could result. Being devils advocate here and it’s probably not the case, but some worse case scenarios…

One or both of your parents could have abused him and he left because of that

One or both of your parents could have killed him, hence why he wasn’t reported missing

He could have been killed whilst travelling

Or… given his traumatic start to life, he’s found his way and doesn’t want to explore his past (at least directly)

My husbands Dad left and never returned or contacted him. He is alive, married, working and know he is trying to connect - but actively avoids him. It’s horrible. But people have issues.

I hope it’s none of the above bad possibilities and it’s just a case of him enjoying his new life

"Maybe, why didnt he live with his parents as a child"
*Alcohol issues apparently, I never met my uncle (his dad) and his wife.

My grandparents raised him because they weren't able to.*

Well there's your answer

I guess, it's a case of you can choose your friends, but not your family.
So I guess, he wanted a fresh start and decided to take it.
If that was him, he doesn't want to bring it back up, so he has decided to not contact family.
Something may be happened, that you didn't know about, as you were young.
Maybe best to forget him, at least you know, he is alive (if it was him) so take comfort in that.

So many questions, but glad he is alive and you managed to get in touch with him. On the other hand, so unfair and sad for grandparents, just a message to say he's OK OK a thank you for taking him out of his circumstances. Only thing I can think of is self defence mechanism to cut all ties and leave the past behind and one day he may realise those who lived him weren't part of the darkness? X

You could always use the ancestry messaging system again rather than email if that will be linked to an email notification.