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Original poster

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
BillyBarryBoo · 17/03/2022 22:48

Could he have had a son with the same name and it's this son you have found on Ancestry?

Elieza · 17/03/2022 22:48

So is family gave him money as he perhaps had none himself, which points to potentially him having no job. Plus he upped and left, again making me think unemployed.

Perhaps he had racked up significant debts to drug dealers or loan sharks or something and had to disappear.

He won’t want to be in touch with you in case word spreads that he’s still alive and they come for him.

I know there are other reasons people vanish and that he may have had a super job which he gave notice to and plenty of money. Just saying it could be that there was bad stuff going on. I don’t think you can just emigrate. You’d have to apply. What had he got that would make America want him, IT skills, rich, nothing -which may mean he’s an illegal immigrant as America didn’t want him and he’s overstayed his welcome. He may even be back in the U.K.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/03/2022 22:50

The other thing is....."helped him with some money"......what does this mean? Could they have given him a substantial amount of money, on the understanding it was a loan, and he just basically ran off with the money without repaying it?

People don't tend to give grown adults in their 20s money to just go off on an extended holiday, do they? They usually pay their own way. Something doesn't smell right about the whole thing.

Changechangychange · 17/03/2022 22:52

He said there had been no falling out he just vanished

I went travelling at around the time your cousin disappeared, as did most of my peers, and him going “travelling” without telling anyone sounds fishy as fuck to me.

Everyone I knew, knew I was going travelling. I knew all about my friends’ plans for months (these trips were months/years apart, we didn’t plan them together). You plan travelling. You need to save up. You work out where to go. You spend a lot of time deciding what to take, since you can’t take much. You get your vaccinations and visas. It’s like planning a wedding - you don’t just vanish one day.

Abcdefu · 17/03/2022 22:53

Maybe there was a fall out or disagreement that you were sheltered to?

catscatscurrantscurrants · 17/03/2022 22:54

Figroll, that was my thought too. Ancestry sends a user links to others who are researching the same families on there, so someone who was aware of him, like the OP, was very likely to spot him.

saraclara · 17/03/2022 22:54

@Figrollface

You'd wonder why he would sign up to that site if he wished to never have contact with his family again?
That's what I was thinking.
Myyearmytime · 17/03/2022 22:54

On ancestry he might not be able to reply so I would msg again and use a email . And I could dna to see if you find other famliy member maybe his kids and see if you get any answers

user3837313202 · 17/03/2022 22:56

Do you have any evidence he's alive apart from someone doing some things on Ancestry?

The USA has a lot of unidentified decedents ("John Does") and it's only in the last few years that organisations like the DNA Doe Project have been using genetic genealogy to identify them. dnadoeproject.org/

I would consider taking one of the DNA tests like the one Ancestry offers but then also uploading it to GEDmatch as that's the one used by organisations like the DNA Doe Project

WomanStanleyWoman · 17/03/2022 22:56

@Figrollface

You'd wonder why he would sign up to that site if he wished to never have contact with his family again?
It’s not inconceivable that he still thinks about his family and wanted to see what he could find out, but without wanting to actually get in touch - hence he didn’t reply to the OP’s message.
Whelmed · 17/03/2022 22:56

There was a case in one of the Long Lost Family episodes where someone's sister had just left and never came back , no big falling out or any other apparent reason. When they traced her, she said after she left it just became harder and harder to get back in touch with family. Not for any big reason just that with every year it felt more difficult for her to get back in touch.

WomanStanleyWoman · 17/03/2022 22:58

People don't tend to give grown adults in their 20s money to just go off on an extended holiday, do they?

It was their grandson, not the bloke who worked in their local chippy.

RishiRich · 17/03/2022 22:58

I cannot fathom being so selfish as to treat your family and friends in such a cruel way for no reason. I imagine there was more to it than you were told as a child OP.

This is one of my worst nightmares as a parent: one of the DC going missing and never knowing if they were ok.

user3837313202 · 17/03/2022 23:00

Has he ever been formally reported missing, either in the UK or USA? It's really odd how he left.

Though I did listen to a true crime podcast earlier today, about the Wycherley murder. The daughter and son in law killed them, buried them under the patio, and told people they'd gone travelling.

LadyPropane · 17/03/2022 23:02

There is a possibility that it isn't actually him, although from what you've said that sounds unlikely. Just worth keeping in mind.

Maybe something happened between him and grandparents that you don't know about. Or maybe he really resented his upbringing for one reason or another (not necessarily a reflection on your grandparents) and wanted to forget the whole thing and start again.

Saltisford · 17/03/2022 23:03

So… has he actually come up as a first cousin match on Ancestry? If so he would be pretty high up your dna match list

Juniper68 · 17/03/2022 23:05

@user3837313202

Has he ever been formally reported missing, either in the UK or USA? It's really odd how he left.

Though I did listen to a true crime podcast earlier today, about the Wycherley murder. The daughter and son in law killed them, buried them under the patio, and told people they'd gone travelling.

That was on my mind. I'm very suspicious though Grin
Original poster
Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:05

@Weeteeny

I don't know how ancestry works , how do you know its him for sure? I hope it is , for the record. I have a second cousin who went missing in the 80s whilst travelling in another continent and was never found. Foul play was suspected due to circumstances surrounding their disappearance, however their poor arents never gave up hope. They are both dead now.
That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

I'm fairly certain it was him on the ancestry site. Our surname isn't common, the chance of somebody having his exact first and middle names alongside our surname is extremely slim.

OP posts:
Playplayaway · 17/03/2022 23:06

Some people disconnect but are still curious about their history. Maybe he has a partner and/or children and wants to research and record his heritage for them, should anything happen to him.

I do hope he's OK and happy. It must be hard for you to have no answers though, op.

HollowTalk · 17/03/2022 23:06

Is his date of birth on the ancestry site? I'm sorry I don't know what information is on there. How would you know that he's been on and actually seen the message?

SantaHat · 17/03/2022 23:07

He always had a good relationship with our grandparents though from what I could tell.

With all due respect though OP, you were 8. You really have no way of knowing what the truth of that situation is.

Original poster
Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:08

@Changechangychange

he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon

How much of this did you hear/see with your own eyes and ears, and how much did your GP tell everyone once he’d gone?

If he had a leaving party with his friends and wider family, or if you all went to wave him off from Heathrow, or if he spent ages telling everyone about his plan to hitchhike Route 66, or anything like that, ok, weird he changed his mind and never came back.

If you only found out about this “travelling” plan after he’d gone, it’s honestly more likely there was some falling out you weren’t aware of and he just went NC. And your family claimed he’d gone travelling to explain it away to everyone, presumably expecting him to return.

Going travelling was in the pipeline for a year or so before he went, I distinctly remember it being mentioned (by him and GP's alike) in the lead up to him going.

There was no leaving party as he was quite an insular person and always had been, he only had a small handful of friends and they were all gamers so socialising to him looked quite different to socialising to other, more extraverted people.

OP posts:
ESGdance · 17/03/2022 23:08

Surely your parents or other family members know something or have an opinion have you asked them?

Where is your cousins father and mother now - did they have other children?

betwixtlives · 17/03/2022 23:08

@user3837313202

Do you have any evidence he's alive apart from someone doing some things on Ancestry?

The USA has a lot of unidentified decedents ("John Does") and it's only in the last few years that organisations like the DNA Doe Project have been using genetic genealogy to identify them. dnadoeproject.org/

I would consider taking one of the DNA tests like the one Ancestry offers but then also uploading it to GEDmatch as that's the one used by organisations like the DNA Doe Project

Was going to say this. Get your DNA on ged match
Original poster
Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:15

@ESGdance

Surely your parents or other family members know something or have an opinion have you asked them?

Where is your cousins father and mother now - did they have other children?

Cousins mum and dad were estranged from my family since cousin was a child. I'm told they had problems with alcohol and couldn't take care of him so GP's stepped in. My uncle is his father but I never met him. Uncles wife, cousins mother, is now dead (I suspect that's why cousin was on ancestry, to see if he could find out if his relatives were still alive after having no contact for decades)

Remaining family members are -

My mother who genuinely hasn't got a clue what's happened to him. She speculated that he might have got in trouble abroad and ended up in prison somehow therefore unable to make contact. Has spent years wondering why he turned his back on GP's who, in her opinion, did everything they could to give him a good life.

Aunt #1 - also sad and confused about why he hasn't been in touch, hopes one day he'll write or just turn up as she's lived in the same house all of her life. Says she has no clue why he would just vanish.

Aunt #2 - Has lived abroad since way before he went travelling so knows nothing and is more detached from the situation than the above 2.

OP posts: