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Original poster

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
Mirw · 19/03/2022 19:00

I have a brother who decided he didn't want to be part if our family anymore. He hasn't contacted his immediate family for 20 years. He does have contact with my Dad's little sister. Families can be funny. Just because someone is related, doesnt mean they want to be involved or in contact.

NFLBingo · 19/03/2022 19:06

I hope you manage to get some closure OP, and I hope your cousin has found peace in the States.

WhatWouldYourHeroSay · 19/03/2022 19:29

Think. Pause. Speak.

FlipFlapFlop123 · 19/03/2022 19:37

Apparently the Ancestry messaging system is a bit hit and miss. Some people do not receive email notifications at all of a message and some people dont see it on their app if thats what theyre using and wont see it until they use a browser on a laptop. Don`t give up hope yet of a response, people have waited months before receiving one.

LoisLane66 · 19/03/2022 19:45

@Verity226
Are you single or have you kept your maiden name?

busymomtoone · 19/03/2022 19:46

I think it’s inordinately strange that anyone deliberately cutting off from family would bother to log onto ancestry - I’m afraid I would be worried that someone has stolen an identity and wants to pad history out to sound plausible- but then I have an overactive imagination!!

Chocomelon · 19/03/2022 19:50

It was a bit silly if you to message hun then not log back on. Then again you gave him your email address so he could have emailed if he was that bothered.

Original poster
Verity226 · 19/03/2022 19:51

[quote LoisLane66]@Verity226
Are you single or have you kept your maiden name?[/quote]
I still have my maiden name

I've sent a brief message through ancestry now too. I'll have to leave it with him now and just hope he reaches out.

I'm sad that he might have thought I wasn't bothered as I didn't reply to his message for over a bloody year Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Verity226 · 19/03/2022 19:52

@Chocomelon

It was a bit silly if you to message hun then not log back on. Then again you gave him your email address so he could have emailed if he was that bothered.
Tell me about it. I'm kicking myself.

I thought if I ever got a reply I would get an email notification, so when one never came I assumed he hadn't got the message or just wasn't interested

OP posts:
ThistleTits · 19/03/2022 19:53

Could have been he went to prison. You were young to be told about it. Then when he got out, he moved away.

Febrier · 19/03/2022 20:10

I hope it’s none of the above bad possibilities and it’s just a case of him enjoying his new life

Well there's some we can rule out @covertcuddler Hmm

Lifethroughlenses · 19/03/2022 20:20

@BlanketsBanned surely your answer about his parents not bringing him up could be most of the answer? Pretty traumatic for a child to be brought up by others because their parents aren’t up to the job. I can understand why someone might want a completely clean slate.

Insanelysilver · 19/03/2022 20:29

Its possible it’s not the same person as even though the name is unusual it may be a coincidence.
I’d do a 23 and me genetic test. It’d be interesting to see if you get any connections. X

BoldMove · 19/03/2022 21:25

Just read all of your updates OP. What a roller-coaster! Is there anyway you can his surname under an american system iyswim? I'm not techy but someone else on here might be able to suggest something? Or maybe surname on facebook with usa in area search? Hope he contacts you again soon although there's a time difference too.

Frigginintheriggin · 19/03/2022 21:42

I have a family member who has disappeared.
His mum has tried to find him. Thought she'd found him on social media.
That person communicated a few times via email but shut down the social media account and she now hasn't heard for years.
Very very sad for her. Like grieving for someone you think/hope is alive.
Goodness knows how to find him when she dies 🤷🏻‍♀️
I wish I could afford a private eye to find him because I genuinely don't believe the email's were from him (I do have a suspect in mind)
Your cousin clearly wants to be left alone.
Sad for anyone who cared about him though.

Original poster
Verity226 · 19/03/2022 21:51

@BoldMove

Just read all of your updates OP. What a roller-coaster! Is there anyway you can his surname under an american system iyswim? I'm not techy but someone else on here might be able to suggest something? Or maybe surname on facebook with usa in area search? Hope he contacts you again soon although there's a time difference too.
I'm not so techy myself either, I can only do the basic searches on Google, Facebook, Instagram and twitter and nothing fruitful comes up.

If anybody reading this is able to help in some way, legally of course, that would be amazing.

One annoying stumbling block I keep coming across is how his name is almost identical to a more common name when it's all written together as one username. I can't really explain it well without giving his name, but I won't for obvious reasons (publicly)

Every Andre I think I've found ends up being a bloody Andrew Confused

OP posts:
Gotago · 19/03/2022 21:56

An accident could cause long term amnesia. Was he of strong caricature or could he be easily led. Did any of his friends disappear at the same time.

Original poster
Verity226 · 19/03/2022 22:01

@Gotago

An accident could cause long term amnesia. Was he of strong caricature or could he be easily led. Did any of his friends disappear at the same time.
I don't recall him being the sort of person to be easily lead, but then I was only a child when I knew him so I can't really say for sure.

None of his friends disappeared no

OP posts:
MCLQC · 19/03/2022 22:07

A good friend of my OH did this. Went travelling in 2003 and the rumour was he died in the Boxing Day Tsunami. Turned up at the locals 10 years later as though going silent for 10 years wasn’t an issue. Had married a Thai woman and had 2 kids but had no contact with his family at all In that time and they thought he was dead. So strange.

MCLQC · 19/03/2022 22:07

Local pub

milkyaqua · 19/03/2022 22:19

I'm sad that he might have thought I wasn't bothered as I didn't reply to his message for over a bloody year

Two years.

Cindie943811A · 19/03/2022 22:58

OP is there any chance he is gay? It is only relatively recently that the majority of gay men have felt able to come out to their parents and his grandparents were a generation earlier and maybe had made their feelings on the subject known.
On Long Lost Families a woman said when she was little her much older adored brother suddenly disappeared and her parents refused to talk about him. When found the brother explained that when his parents discovered he was gay they threw him out and said he was dead to them. Thankfully attitudes have changed a lot.

bigyellowTpot · 19/03/2022 23:03

Surely a UK citizen cannot just go travelling to the USA and just decide to stay there don't Visas only last so long and he would have had to return to the UK at some point?? unless he married a US citizen so could stay in the country.

Original poster
Verity226 · 19/03/2022 23:18

I've had an email reply!

Oh guys I am so pleased.

It's one hundred percent him, there's no doubt in my mind. In the email he mentioned a few things that only a close relative would know.

He's going to send me some up to date pictures of himself at which point I'll send him some of us.

He said it would be great to meet up next time he's in the UK.

Aww how lovely this is after two weeks of being miserable with covid.

OP posts:
MummyDolly · 19/03/2022 23:21

This sounds so similar to one of our family members. He just disappeared to America and no one knows where abouts, what he's doing or why he left!

I'm so happy for you about getting in contact through the ancestry thing! I think I'll have to look into it (I was a small child when my family member disappeared so have no clue!)

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