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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
brokengoalposts · 18/03/2022 10:56

I moved to the US on my own at 18, I kept in touch with my parents but no one else, I just disappeared out of my friends lives, they knew I was going but they were all doing their own thing too. I'm back in the uk now but haven't seen a school friend in 37 years. If my parents (or who I thought of as my parents) had died 6 years after I'd left it may seem I'd just disappeared. Yet here I am with a full life and my own family. There probably isn't a big mystery, he's just moved, lost track of the passing of years and feels he has no ties to a deadbeat parents family.

Febrier · 18/03/2022 10:59

I have so many questions but don't want to spook him by bombarding him so it's going to be tricky to navigate I think.

I’d tell him that. Let home know you are excited to hear from him, that he’s often been in your thoughts and that you have lots of questions. You can say that you’re not going anywhere and that there’s plenty of time for all that. Reassure that there’s no rush.

Verity226 · 18/03/2022 11:01

@MRex

In his message he mentioned my mum by name, despite me only referring to her as mum in my initial message That is obviously information available on ancestry website. Did he say anything at all that he couldn't find out by basic research?
Ah granted, no he didn't

I wouldn't have thought a stranger would ask for pictures of somebodies deceased relatives though so I am inclined to believe it's him, however that could just be blind hope on my part.

I really hope I haven't missed my window, so to speak, and that he's still using the email he gave me and replies to my sent one.

OP posts:
Febrier · 18/03/2022 11:03

Also, I do t find this unbelievable at all. Life happens. And it’s only at quiet times, like OP last night, that you think things like, I’ll just check that old Ancestry account…

Some of us are like a dog with a bone and want all the information. Others cope by being passive and letting old dogs lie.

Febrier · 18/03/2022 11:05

Ah granted, no he didn't

Your mum is alive so he couldn’t have read her name on Ancestry. If he knows about FreeBMD he will have been able to work this out (given your unusual surname is on Ancestry).

LagunaBubbles · 18/03/2022 11:28

Hope he replies OP

DameHelena · 18/03/2022 11:32

@milkyaqua

Why are people making up mad stories about where he's been? And centring him as the villain? It seems far more likely that he was a distressed young man who felt the need to get away, and now time has passed and he is middleaged, I assume, and his feelings have changed.
I might be more inclined to believe that were it not for him saying he's tried to get back in touch with the family but hasn't been able to, and in the same breath says he knows his GPs died as he 'was able to find the information online'. So why was he unable to go online, or think of something else (I'm assuming he's a competent adult), to get back in touch with the family? After all, it's never been easier.

OP, I really would not rush to share more info or send pictures.

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 18/03/2022 11:38

The fact that he replied shows that he wants to get back in touch with his family somewhat. Especially as he is happy for your mum to know and wanted photos. There’s so many questions to ask him. I understand you don’t want to bombard him. Hopefully he will reply to your next message after 2 years. I would arrange a Skype call as asking these questions might come across in the wrong way and scare him off. You’d be able to casually ask him. I would want to know what happened for your grandparents sake. Like others have said, I’d find it odd how he says he wasn’t able to get back in touch as he’d know where the grandparents lived. Did you ask anyone if he was reported to the police? Did your grandparents ask anyone to find him? There’s so many missing people every year. Their families put up posters etc and do everything to find them. I just think it’s odd no one did this.

There was a thread on here ages ago and someone was a ‘missing person’ but didn’t want anything to do with their family, not even to let them know if they were alive or not. If it was me I would also tell him how hurt his grandparents were that they raised him and he left them, never bothered to get in touch, no explanation. Why would he do that to them.

DailyMailHater · 18/03/2022 11:40

@Verity226 it is hard I have a family member who went missing nearly 30 years ago, officially reported missing to the police etc, but has never been a trace of them since. Family members have been called to identify bodies on 2-3 occasions that I can remember and but it has never been then. It baffles me how you can just up and walk away from your life and completely disappear.

HaggisBurger · 18/03/2022 11:43

Interesting to see if he replies promptly. I don’t think there is anything odd with his behaviour. More a kind of ambivalence - kind of wanting to be back in touch and kind of not. Peoples lives are complex particularly with the kind of childhood it seems likely he had. I hope he replies though.

debwong · 18/03/2022 11:49

Just being extra cautious, in case he is an imposter, maybe family photos would be quite useful for such a person.

Perhaps don't send any photos until you have communicated with him further.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 18/03/2022 11:59

@debwong

Just being extra cautious, in case he is an imposter, maybe family photos would be quite useful for such a person.

Perhaps don't send any photos until you have communicated with him further.

I agree.

If he's not honest, or if he's desperate, it is fishing. If you'll send him photos you'll send him money.

Verity226 · 18/03/2022 12:12

I've just searched on Instagram and found a profile that might be his, so I've sent a follow request.

The name matches and there's a photo (side profile) but I just can't be sure as it's been so long since I've seen him and I don't have any photos to compare. It's hard to gauge his age from the picture too.

I've looked on Instagram multiple times before and never came across this profile so it may well be new-ish.

OP posts:
Verity226 · 18/03/2022 12:21

There's another account linked in the bio, a food account. The last post was two days ago so if it is him then he is active on social media. Really hope I get a response soon (and that I'm not requesting some random bloke!)

OP posts:
Verity226 · 18/03/2022 12:24

If it is him then he's in Paris at the minute Shock

OP posts:
Verity226 · 18/03/2022 12:24

Oh crap, its not him Sad

OP posts:
Febrier · 18/03/2022 12:31

So you have three men? One via Ancestry who you are in contact. An Instagram account (that isn't him). And a second Instagram account you haven't contacted.

Verity226 · 18/03/2022 12:36

@Febrier

So you have three men? One via Ancestry who you are in contact. An Instagram account (that isn't him). And a second Instagram account you haven't contacted.
Yes but I've been able to discount the Instagram accounts now.

I thought the name matched as it was all one word in the username, but upon further investigation the man on Instagram doesn't have the same name after all.

I was looking for an andre, for example, but the person on Instagram is actually called Andrew.

OP posts:
BeautifulGreenEyes · 18/03/2022 12:57

My best friend of 30 years, (Rachel) has a cousin (D) who was raised by her grandparents because her birth-mum (G) had her at 19, and didn't want her. G didn't tell anyone she was pregnant til she was 6 months in, and it was too late to do anything about it then.

She gave birth to 'D' and her parents took D on, as G didn't want her. G was very abusive and aggressive towards her daughter (D) from when she was 3 or 4 years old, (possibly started before but she could only remember that far back.)

She bullied her and goaded her, (along with her aggressive boyfriends who also thought it funny and clever to taunt and bully a small child) and made D a really quiet and timid child. D told her grandmother, and a couple of aunts but was told to 'grow up,' 'stop being silly,' and 'stop telling lies.'

D thought G was her older sister until she was 9 or 10 when people started telling her she was her mum. D went NC with her birth mum (G) when she was about 16-17 years old, and left the house when she came to visit. She completely ghosted her. Because of the aggressive and abusive behaviour she had endured over the years. G didn't care much, and the fractured and toxic relationship just died.

Around 13 years ago, (2009 - when D was 25 or so,) her grandparents died, only 4 months apart, and the wider family (D's 4 cousins and 2 aunts and 2 uncles,) sided with G, said she was young when she had D, and she should have cut her some slack, and not ghosted her.

D explained that G had been very abusive and aggressive, along with her boyfriends, even pretending they had snapped her dog's neck, and that her grandad (who she thought was her dad at the time) was dead, and also telling her (when she was 5) that no-one loved her and she would be going into a childrens home soon. One of the boyfriend's exposed himself to D when she was 7 too.

In addition to all this, 'G' regularly slapped D, punched her, broke her things, and just made her life miserable when she was around her. No-one believed any of that either. They didn't believe her when she was a child, and then they didn't believe her when she was in her mid 20s, and trying to explain WHY she had ghosted her birth mum.

When she explained (in her mid 20s when her grandparents died,) WHY she had ghosted G - her birth mum (and she wasn't believed, AGAIN,) the wider family started to distance themselves from her, and she wasn't invited to things, (family weddings, and Christenings etc,) and was constantly left out of everything.

Eventually around 5 or 6 years later in 2015, my BFF Rachel (who had stayed in contact but kept her at arms length, so as not to fall out with her mother who had ghosted 'D') texted her to let her know her uncle Pete had died. (Although it had been 7-8 months since they had been in touch last.)

The text came back undelivered, and they never saw D again. This was about 6 or 7 years ago. My friend Rachel went to visit her house a few weeks later but she and her DH and 2 kids had left, and no-one had a forwarding address. My friend looked for her on social media but couldn't find her (and her name is unusual too - very unusual, like say 'Desdemona Jefferson.' I mean a really unusual name.)

Then she looked up her 2 DDs, Emily and Olivia (not their real names) and bingo, she saw some of their photos 'liked' by a person called 'Dezzie J.' And a pic of the cousin popped up. Her location - some 50 miles north in another county.

My friend messaged her and said 'hey Dezzie it's me Rachel, your cousin, how are you?' When she went back to see if there's a response, 'D' had blocked her. So had the 2 daughters.

A few weeks later, Hannah, one of the younger members of the family who remembers D and her 2 DD's, sent D and her 2 DDs a message too, and she was asking why D had lost touch with everyone.

Clearly, the younger family members knew nothing about what had happened, and were badgering her to get in touch. Again, Hannah was blocked. When my friend and Hannah tried to get in touch again, both D's AND her 2 DD's facebook accounts had been deactivated.

This was 6-7 years ago. No-one has seen hide nor hair of 'D' since. They looked several times on social media, but neither her or her 2 DD's are coming up anywhere.

As has been said, there are often very good reasons why people 'disappear' and don't want to get in touch again. Being rejected by your birth mum, having no-one believe she and her boyfriends abused you, and then having the vast majority of the wider family, avoid you and ghost you for 4 or 5 years, after your grandparents/adoptive parents died, will MAKE someone want to move away and have nothing to do with their whole family.

PinkGinBigGrin · 18/03/2022 13:05

We can’t possibly know what went on anymore than you. But it sounds like he’s made his choice to separate from his family and that should be respected.

I agree, however I think going off like that and never just letting at least one person know you are ok is absolutely disgusting and extremely selfish. Fancy letting his gp's go to their grave worrying about him and never knowing if he was dead. It's awful.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 18/03/2022 13:07

Gosh, @BeautifulGreenEyes. That reads as if she found her way to the Stately Homes threads.

Good for her.

Verity226 · 18/03/2022 13:12

@BeautifulGreenEyes

My best friend of 30 years, (Rachel) has a cousin (D) who was raised by her grandparents because her birth-mum (G) had her at 19, and didn't want her. G didn't tell anyone she was pregnant til she was 6 months in, and it was too late to do anything about it then.

She gave birth to 'D' and her parents took D on, as G didn't want her. G was very abusive and aggressive towards her daughter (D) from when she was 3 or 4 years old, (possibly started before but she could only remember that far back.)

She bullied her and goaded her, (along with her aggressive boyfriends who also thought it funny and clever to taunt and bully a small child) and made D a really quiet and timid child. D told her grandmother, and a couple of aunts but was told to 'grow up,' 'stop being silly,' and 'stop telling lies.'

D thought G was her older sister until she was 9 or 10 when people started telling her she was her mum. D went NC with her birth mum (G) when she was about 16-17 years old, and left the house when she came to visit. She completely ghosted her. Because of the aggressive and abusive behaviour she had endured over the years. G didn't care much, and the fractured and toxic relationship just died.

Around 13 years ago, (2009 - when D was 25 or so,) her grandparents died, only 4 months apart, and the wider family (D's 4 cousins and 2 aunts and 2 uncles,) sided with G, said she was young when she had D, and she should have cut her some slack, and not ghosted her.

D explained that G had been very abusive and aggressive, along with her boyfriends, even pretending they had snapped her dog's neck, and that her grandad (who she thought was her dad at the time) was dead, and also telling her (when she was 5) that no-one loved her and she would be going into a childrens home soon. One of the boyfriend's exposed himself to D when she was 7 too.

In addition to all this, 'G' regularly slapped D, punched her, broke her things, and just made her life miserable when she was around her. No-one believed any of that either. They didn't believe her when she was a child, and then they didn't believe her when she was in her mid 20s, and trying to explain WHY she had ghosted her birth mum.

When she explained (in her mid 20s when her grandparents died,) WHY she had ghosted G - her birth mum (and she wasn't believed, AGAIN,) the wider family started to distance themselves from her, and she wasn't invited to things, (family weddings, and Christenings etc,) and was constantly left out of everything.

Eventually around 5 or 6 years later in 2015, my BFF Rachel (who had stayed in contact but kept her at arms length, so as not to fall out with her mother who had ghosted 'D') texted her to let her know her uncle Pete had died. (Although it had been 7-8 months since they had been in touch last.)

The text came back undelivered, and they never saw D again. This was about 6 or 7 years ago. My friend Rachel went to visit her house a few weeks later but she and her DH and 2 kids had left, and no-one had a forwarding address. My friend looked for her on social media but couldn't find her (and her name is unusual too - very unusual, like say 'Desdemona Jefferson.' I mean a really unusual name.)

Then she looked up her 2 DDs, Emily and Olivia (not their real names) and bingo, she saw some of their photos 'liked' by a person called 'Dezzie J.' And a pic of the cousin popped up. Her location - some 50 miles north in another county.

My friend messaged her and said 'hey Dezzie it's me Rachel, your cousin, how are you?' When she went back to see if there's a response, 'D' had blocked her. So had the 2 daughters.

A few weeks later, Hannah, one of the younger members of the family who remembers D and her 2 DD's, sent D and her 2 DDs a message too, and she was asking why D had lost touch with everyone.

Clearly, the younger family members knew nothing about what had happened, and were badgering her to get in touch. Again, Hannah was blocked. When my friend and Hannah tried to get in touch again, both D's AND her 2 DD's facebook accounts had been deactivated.

This was 6-7 years ago. No-one has seen hide nor hair of 'D' since. They looked several times on social media, but neither her or her 2 DD's are coming up anywhere.

As has been said, there are often very good reasons why people 'disappear' and don't want to get in touch again. Being rejected by your birth mum, having no-one believe she and her boyfriends abused you, and then having the vast majority of the wider family, avoid you and ghost you for 4 or 5 years, after your grandparents/adoptive parents died, will MAKE someone want to move away and have nothing to do with their whole family.

Wow, that is probably the saddest thing I've read on MN and I've been here for years. That poor poor woman.

Thank you for sharing that with me. It certainly gives an alt perspective worth considering.

I don't know anything at all do I really? Much like the younger cousins in your post.

I hope D has managed to find peace and create a happy life for herself.

OP posts:
ESGdance · 18/03/2022 13:43

Quite an unusually troubled family that your grandparents raised:

  1. Son alcoholic and estranged.
  2. Your Mum alcohol problems
  3. Your aunt complex MH problems
  4. Another aunt detached/lives away
  5. Grandson didn’t work lived an isolated life and also moves away.

Seems that there is likely some family trauma there for so many to be affected. Do you know much about your grandparents and their own backgrounds?

Verity226 · 18/03/2022 13:53

@ESGdance

Quite an unusually troubled family that your grandparents raised:
  1. Son alcoholic and estranged.
  2. Your Mum alcohol problems
  3. Your aunt complex MH problems
  4. Another aunt detached/lives away
  5. Grandson didn’t work lived an isolated life and also moves away.

Seems that there is likely some family trauma there for so many to be affected. Do you know much about your grandparents and their own backgrounds?

I agree, something went wrong somewhere. Families don't usually become so disjointed and dysfunctional without good reason.

I don't know too much about my grandparents backgrounds no. The only family stories I have are from my mum about when she was growing up. It sounded like a normal happy childhood from everything she has ever said.

I do know that my grandad and his brother were prisoners of war, my grandad suffered an injury in the war that affected his mobility in later life so PTSD can't be ruled out but I know nothing about my great grandparents.

It's a strange feeling getting to 28 and realising you don't know much about anything at all really.

OP posts:
Laiste · 18/03/2022 14:14

It's a strange feeling getting to 28 and realising you don't know much about anything at all really.

Yeah, i know that feeling. We have a normal sort of family, but at about your age it dawned on me how little i knew about my dad's family. My paternal nan was still alive back then (in her 90s) and i asked her a bit about the family on that side and she told me bits which astounded me! Someone who i thought was a neighbour of my nan's sister and who used to pop in for dinner sometimes was actually their brother ! So my dad's uncle Shock I mean how did i miss that?

She also told me (in hushed tones) about another sister of theirs who was put in a mental asylum when she was in her 20s and had died there pretty much estranged from the whole family way back in the 1980s. I mean ... Shock :(

I was like 'why do i only find out about this now!?'. Families can hold secrets which aren't even real secrets - it's just when you're a child if you don't actually ask the right questions no one tells you anything, but if you don't know there's anything to ask then ...

Anyway I hope your cousin replies Flowers

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