My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

[Verity226]

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know?

I do love a happy ending, I hope that he is able to link back in with the family he left, I suspect from what you have said he somehow didn't feel able to stay & the alcohol abuse he describes might be something you don't remember but he does? Maybe she was on & off it? despite his strong relationship with his grandparents perhaps he just had to find his own way. Whatever it is, I feel he must want to have some sort of contact particularly as he has written back so soon! good luck OP

Could some nefarious person have stolen his money, passport, id?

@Polyanthus2

Could some nefarious person have stolen his money, passport, id?

RTFT!

I'm glad this has a happy ending but I'd also be a bit cautious. The grandparents took him in, raised him - but they were left not knowing whether he was alive or dead? I'd find that hard to reconcile. It must've been horrible for them, all for the sake of a letter or phone call to let them know he was OK?

I left home and stayed away 5 or 6 years. There was missing persons reports and crazy stories about me one day when I came home for a couple days

Oh wow OP, I'm so pleased you've heard from him

We had a lovely friend , worked at the local butcher's shop. No drama, just didn't show up to work on the Monday. His mother died a broken woman. It is about 40 years now. I hope he found a good life, he was the last person I would say would disappear. But, I may not know all the facts, however the rumours were he had been murdered, sex trafficked, was gay in a time where it was not acceptable, emigrated, died somewhere that no-one would find him. I often pray that he is somewhere having a good life. It was the time when emigration to Australia was £10 or so. I hope this was the case that he took up the £10 offer. But I reckon his ma would've found out through records kept. He was one of the nicest people around.

Delighted for you @Verity226

@milkyaqua - it’s highly unlikely he’ll find out that OP discussed is life on MN. If she wants to get the thread deleted for privacy reasons that’s up to her.

What a great update though OP, I think the alcohol incidents in his early life might have had something to do with him moving and leading a life abroad but it sounds like he’s dealt with all that now and is settled down, happy and ready to get in touch with his family. How lovely for you all!

@rosy16

I'm not sure how helpful this is but, I have very often thought about doing the same thing. I still do. It's rooted in shame due to some things in my personal life and familial issues that are very stressful. I've never gone ahead with it because I didn't want to upset my family. He probably is dealing with some upsetting issues he feels he can't talk about. And because he's been gone for so long it's hard to look back. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's lovely you reached out to him in such a kind fashion.

I hope you find peace rosy16.

People don't realise how much inner turmoil some carry in this life.
OP, I hope you and your cousin get to have a good relationship again.
He might not be saying things he doesn't want to revisit and he doesn't have to say if he's not ready to.

If she wants to get the thread deleted for privacy reasons that’s up to her.

Clearly his privacy is the least of her concerns.

@Verity226

So he's not gay, I asked whether he had any children or a significant other and he said he has a girlfriend he has been with for years and they would like children (he's 46 now)

He's financially comfortable and has a career in IT (which I guessed would be the case strangely) and he and his partner enjoy travelling.

He hasn't mentioned any trauma or family problems yet, quite the opposite. He's talking of having lovely memories of our grandparents and his upbringing with them.

He asked how my mum was and I was honest about her having problems with alcohol which surprised him as he never saw her drunk when he was around (her drinking began years after he left)

He says he's never touched a drop of alcohol because he saw what it did to his own mum, so he's tee total.

He seems really happy and well rounded but very regretful that he didn't get to say goodbye to our grandparents.

He does mention feeling as though his life had no direction before he left and wanting to make something of himself, so I'm thinking his departure could have been a matter of finding himself rather than running away from something?

He was in his late 20s when he left and had spent quite a few years not doing much, spending alot of time gaming etc so it could be that he had a wake up call and decided he wanted more and wasn't going to find it in our small little home town.

He's adamant he wants to come back to the UK and see everybody, see me and my mum, our aunts. He said he remembers me as being like a sister to him, much like I said he felt like a brother to me.

Its all sounding very positive at the minute and no hint of any negativity at all.

I am glad you're happy @Verity226 but something isn't sitting right with all of this.

If everything was so utterly tickety-boo during his childhood, then why on EARTH did he just up and leave, without a single word from to anyone, with no contact details? You said much earlier in the thread that his grandparents were devastated, and died not knowing if he was even still alive.

Sorry, but someone who had a wonderful childhood, would not have done ths to the people who loved and cared for him.

Several people have said he clearly went travelling and decided to make a life somewhere else. That's not an impossible scenario, but no WAY would he have not let his family know where he was.

I also don't buy the 'couldn't get in touch til now' line.

This all sounds suspect. I am suspicious that it's not actually him. Everything he has told you could be made up. You don't know it's true. You were a small child at the time. Be very careful.

@MurmuratingStarling 🤦🏼‍♀️ OP has already stated that he has mentioned things only the real him could possibly know. Please RTFT before pontificating such drivel

It is definitely him, without a shadow of a doubt. He has recalled certain things in crystal clear detail.

I'm sure there are things I don't know about and he may not want to go into right away, which is fine, it's just lovely having an open channel of communication.

In time if he wants to go into the what's and the why's then I may well find out more. I will ask questions, I just don't want to put any pressure on him to delve into anything that might make him want to back off again.

milkyaqua Jesus Christ. What on earth is your problem? There are millions of people up and down the UK who have been raised by grandparents due to their parents having addiction issues. Nobody is going to identify him from a MN thread. Go and bash somebody else, this thread began with me having a genuine concern for his well-being and has a positive ending. Give over.

I am so delighted for you and your family. Well done to you for pursuing this - this will bring so much healing to your Mum and aunts who must have suffered so much over the years.

I really hope that you all have the opportunity to make up for lost time and this will being pleasure to all of your lives.

When will you tell your Mum?

@ESGdance

I am so delighted for you and your family. Well done to you for pursuing this - this will bring so much healing to your Mum and aunts who must have suffered so much over the years.

I really hope that you all have the opportunity to make up for lost time and this will being pleasure to all of your lives.

When will you tell your Mum?

I tried calling her today as I was going to give her the good news but her phone was off, I'll try again tomorrow.

She's a huge technophobe and doesn't do texts so there's no point in me sending one as she won't know how to open it

[quote MotherofAutism]@MurmuratingStarling 🤦🏼‍♀️ OP has already stated that he has mentioned things only the real him could possibly know. Please RTFT before pontificating such drivel [/quote]
And you think people can't find stuff out about people. There is very little that cannot be found out/dug up about people. I wish the OP well, but much of this doesn't sound right to me, and I am entitled to say that.

There is really no need to be so incredibly rude.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

@milkyaqua

If she wants to get the thread deleted for privacy reasons that’s up to her.

Clearly his privacy is the least of her concerns.

I agree with this. But the OP, and several others don't want to seem to hear anything but wonderful glowing reviews about all this. And I still say something is very 'off' about it all.

That's it from me though, as you have made up your mind you are contacting this man and letting into your life @Verity226 SO there is nothing more to say.

I hope myself and the other naysayers are wrong, and it is him, and you all have a happy ending. But SO much of this doesn't add up.

I'm out now.

*letting HIM into your life!

Oh wow! So glad it is him and he has responded!

@MurmuratingStarling Is your concern just that its not him behind the email or do you think me seeking contact could be problematic for other reasons?

The things he said in his last email, only he would be able to recount in that way. For example.. (and this is hella embarrassing) but I used to be quite a little terror when I was a child. I would pull silly pranks like locking him in his bedroom by putting the exterior catch on the door. He joked about that, among other memories like me badgering him to let me watch him play his Resident Evil game that i wasnt allowed to play because I was like 8. Nobody else could possibly know about that, only our grandparents.

So I'm certain it's him. Without a shadow of a doubt.

I'm not discounting your input, I can understand why some people might have reservations based on the fact he disappeared and has now resurfaced sounding upbeat as though nothing has happened - I get that.

I also see, and understand, why people are saying it's very poor of him not to have kept in touch with our grandparents or at the very least let them know he was safe.

I will tread carefully and won't get ahead of myself but overall I do see this as a hugely positive thing, if for no reason other than being able to provide a sense of closure for me and my mum who has worried and wondered about him for many years.

I am just worried about you getting hurt/harmed/conned/upset, if he is a con artist @Verity226 But as I said, I hope I am wrong.

MurmuratingStarling pretty sure you are wrong unless he's Derren Brown?

It’s good you have closure but I’d find it hard to forgive the unnecessary anguish he caused the people who raised him. I mean how many birthdays and Christmases passed and he never thought to even send a card to let the grandparents know he was fine. I just don’t get how a normal adjusted person wouldn’t think that the grandparents would be worried about him. And he left in his late twenties so not like he was some irresponsible teen.

You're only in your late 20s but your mum doesn't know how to open a text?