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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know?

OP posts:

BlanketsBanned · 17/03/2022 22:21

Maybe, why didnt he live with his parents as a child.

Takethecake0 · 17/03/2022 22:23

Did they never report him missing to the police? I’d be very surprised if they didn’t given he just vanished, anything could have happened to him.

If they didn’t there might be some back story you are not aware of.

Changechangychange · 17/03/2022 22:24

The obvious reason would be some to do with why your grandparents brought him up not your parents. Had there been a history of abuse or a traumatic childhood, did he feel abandoned?

Or maybe he was in trouble with the law, or with gangs, or something else he didn’t tell your grandparents about.

Or maybe he is still living and working illegally in the US and he just doesn’t want to be outed? Did he actually go to the US, or did he just say that was what he was doing and actually he moved to Birmingham or something?

Seems weird to me he would go to all of that trouble and then log onto ancestry under his own name and link to his old family.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 22:24

I think there's probably a lot of things you don't know and never will. I would leave him be.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:24

@BlanketsBanned

Maybe, why didnt he live with his parents as a child.

Alcohol issues apparently, I never met my uncle (his dad) and his wife.

My grandparents raised him because they weren't able to.

OP posts:

LampLighter414 · 17/03/2022 22:25

As others have said. Abandonment, abuse etc

Sparklesocks · 17/03/2022 22:25

We can’t possibly know what went on anymore than you. But it sounds like he’s made his choice to separate from his family and that should be respected.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:27

There was never any proof that he went to the US AFAIK, that's just what he told my grandparents and what I heard from them.

I'm not going to spend any more time searching him out as there's obviously a reason he wants nothing to do with the family, it's just baffling to me as I know nothing.

OP posts:

Mangogogogo · 17/03/2022 22:27

I dunno if I’m overstepping the mark here but transients and runaways do tend to be targeted by those who do not walk the same line we do. Did your grandparents ever contact the police?

Karwomannghia · 17/03/2022 22:28

He probably struggled with being rejected by his parents and wanted a new life. Too upsetting for him to face his family? I’m guessing you were raised by your parents? Maybe he found that hard to cope with- the unfairness.

ISpyCobraKai · 17/03/2022 22:31

You'll never know the reason, only he does, but what I'd say is it was his decision and he did it for a reason so leave him be.

hellcatspangle · 17/03/2022 22:33

How do you know it was him and not someone else with the same name?

MotherofAutism · 17/03/2022 22:37

@Verity226

There was never any proof that he went to the US AFAIK, that's just what he told my grandparents and what I heard from them.

I'm not going to spend any more time searching him out as there's obviously a reason he wants nothing to do with the family, it's just baffling to me as I know nothing.

Are you absolutely adamant that it was genuinely him and not somebody else with the same name and some relatives with the same names and one of you has made a mistake? If definitely him, are you certain they logged on^^ and not a different family member? I've only used Ancestry during a free trial and didn't really know how to use it (are there people out there who can teach you how!?) so I'm not familiar with much of it

Coffeetree · 17/03/2022 22:37

@Takethecake0

Did they never report him missing to the police? I’d be very surprised if they didn’t given he just vanished, anything could have happened to him.

If they didn’t there might be some back story you are not aware of.

Yes, this exactly. If they didn't make a police report then it sounds like there's more to the story.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:40

I'm almost certain the person on the ancestry site was him, he has a distinctive name and the user had both his first name and middle - aswell as our surname which itself isn't a common one.

Feelings of rejection is possible, I imagine he would have a lot of complex feelings about his parents. He always had a good relationship with our grandparents though from what I could tell.

I'm not sure if they reported him missing to the police but I would have thought so. I was 14 when my last remaining grandparent died and its not something I ever probed them on at the time. It's only as I've gotten older I've thought about how strange it all is.

Something else that confuses me is how he cut all ties with his friends too. His childhood best friend found me on Facebook a few years ago when he was searching for him, he recognised my name and sent me a message asking if I'd ever heard from him. He said there had been no falling out he just vanished.

OP posts:

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/03/2022 22:40

If it is him he now knows you are out there and interested.

Maybe he'll pop up sometime.

Agree, though, he doesn't want to be in touch just now. His choice.

I suspect it is also his loss because you sound very caring. Leave it be, he'll find you if he wants to.

Weeteeny · 17/03/2022 22:43

I don't know how ancestry works , how do you know its him for sure? I hope it is , for the record.
I have a second cousin who went missing in the 80s whilst travelling in another continent and was never found. Foul play was suspected due to circumstances surrounding their disappearance, however their poor arents never gave up hope. They are both dead now.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/03/2022 22:44

People do this for all sorts of reasons. Perhaps there was something murky, or perhaps he just wanted to start again and felt no great ties.

It’s at least good he appears to have done Ok. It’s nice that you got in touch, but as you say you need to leave it be now.

MotherofAutism · 17/03/2022 22:45

@Verity226

I'm almost certain the person on the ancestry site was him, he has a distinctive name and the user had both his first name and middle - aswell as our surname which itself isn't a common one.

Feelings of rejection is possible, I imagine he would have a lot of complex feelings about his parents. He always had a good relationship with our grandparents though from what I could tell.

Personally, I would message that friend of his and let him know about your cousin's appearance on Ancestry. Give him a long awaited answer and some peace in the knowledge that he at least, alive

Changechangychange · 17/03/2022 22:46

he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon

How much of this did you hear/see with your own eyes and ears, and how much did your GP tell everyone once he’d gone?

If he had a leaving party with his friends and wider family, or if you all went to wave him off from Heathrow, or if he spent ages telling everyone about his plan to hitchhike Route 66, or anything like that, ok, weird he changed his mind and never came back.

If you only found out about this “travelling” plan after he’d gone, it’s honestly more likely there was some falling out you weren’t aware of and he just went NC. And your family claimed he’d gone travelling to explain it away to everyone, presumably expecting him to return.

MoiraNotRuby · 17/03/2022 22:46

I hope he is ok, whatever happened. PMSL @ did he actually move to Birmingham

Billi77 · 17/03/2022 22:47

If you’ve been through trauma sometimes it is easier to trade your old life in for a new one.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/03/2022 22:47

There's no way your grandparents wouldn't have reported him missing if it was out of character and they'd been his legal guardians. There's something they didn't tell you I think. Either someone is officially a "missing person", and wouldn't you report someone who'd gone missing on a a year's travelling as officially missing if they suddenly stopped contacting like they had been up to that point? OR they have deliberately cut ties with everyone, and I'm pretty sure that police would be able to make simple checks to see if things like passports and bank cards had been used, and used legitimately.

It's possible your grandparents had received a letter saying that he wa s starting a new life and didn't want to be contacted but that he was ok. In their eyes they would see it as "vanished" if they didn't tell them where he was going or what he was doing and never got it contact again. But in that case he would have just cut contact, and that's his choice.

Figrollface · 17/03/2022 22:47

You'd wonder why he would sign up to that site if he wished to never have contact with his family again?

CollyFleur · 17/03/2022 22:48

I know a lady whose son did this. She had remarried and had children with another partner (a lovely accepting man, not a cruel stepfather) when he was in his early teens. As soon as he was old enough he went travelling, surfaced periodically for a few years but then disappeared altogether. It caused her great sadness and worry for many years but now she has come to terms with it.
Remember it was rather easier to to loose contact with people before email and mobile phones.

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