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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/03/2022 00:28

Posters who jumped to "child porn" scenario seriously 😳
It wasn't unusual for child sexual abuse to be covered up by a family member leaving town in the past, reporting to the police was rare.

Anyway OP great news.
I'm sorry your DGP didn't have peace not knowing if he was alive or not.

Incognito32 · 18/03/2022 00:30

OP - you have to come back and update when you find out his reasons for just vanishing! Glad he's safe and well.

RockinHorseShit · 18/03/2022 00:36

I knew someone who ran away as a 17. It was quite a bizarre thing. I remember my dads friends older than me son running away from home in the North. Decades later, my close gay friend in london introduces me to his newish boyfriend. My friend has some worries that his new BF doesn't talk of his past. I'm left alone with BF & we chat. I recognise his accent from my hometown & he opens up, talks about his childhood there ... he only turns out to be my DFs friends run away son 😐 he'd left because he knew he was gay & felt his dad was homophobic & he couldn't come out to them.
Weirder still, my dad is still occasionally in touch with his DPs, his DF came out of the closet in his mid 50s after they had split up. His DPs where then running a business together as good friends. This was some years ago, but last I heard they where back in touch after over 30years

I'm not saying this is what happened with your cousin, but I've other gay friends who ran away from home too, as they just couldn't bring themselves to, or had tried & been rejected by family

TigerLilyTail · 18/03/2022 00:39

That's good to hear!

It sounds like now he is older and maybe has kids of his own, he is interested in resolving what happened in the past.

shssandhr · 18/03/2022 00:41

Posters who jumped to "child porn" scenario seriously

The OP asked for possible reasons why the cousin might have disappeared. That was one of many scenarios people suggested. They weren't jumping to it as such.

Bitconfusedhmm · 18/03/2022 00:42

Wow what a quick turn of events that was op!

Bollix · 18/03/2022 00:45

The OP asked for possible reasons why the cousin might have disappeared. That was one of many scenarios people suggested. They weren't jumping to it as such

Well with the background given it didn't occur to me and I'm sure I'm not in the minority 😏

RockinHorseShit · 18/03/2022 00:49

Oh wow, just seen your last update, that's brilliant news that you will now get answers & get to know him again Smile

Gonnagetgoing · 18/03/2022 00:50

It’s good you’ve reconnected. However let him lead on why no contact for years.

CrazyTimes123 · 18/03/2022 00:56

Of all platforms for ‘him’ to turn up on, why this one ?

dipdye · 18/03/2022 00:57

Crikey!

What will you reply?! Maybe that he's famous on MN Grin

EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/03/2022 00:57

Posters who jumped to "child porn" scenario seriously 😳
BTW typing child p is disgusting, I'm sure you meant to type "sexually abuse towards children"

Bollix · 18/03/2022 01:00

No I didn't - it is a disgusting subject however its described 😑

Bollix · 18/03/2022 01:04

@EmeraldShamrock1

Also check your grammar and previous posts 🙄

EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/03/2022 01:10

My grammar is shit. I'm not ashamed of it after my life.

Child porn is an awful description, porn implies consent.
Fair enough if your comfortable using the description and attacking my grammar to feel better.

impossible · 18/03/2022 01:12

Good news OP! Perhaps you can let us know what happened.

Bollix · 18/03/2022 01:13

Oh bore off and pick a fight with someone else - maybe a other poster who used the term 😠

Bollix · 18/03/2022 01:14

Another even

Bollix · 18/03/2022 01:16

OP I really hope you are able to reconnect or get closure 💛

KimikosNightmare · 18/03/2022 01:31

@EmeraldShamrock1

My grammar is shit. I'm not ashamed of it after my life.

Child porn is an awful description, porn implies consent.
Fair enough if your comfortable using the description and attacking my grammar to feel better.

I get your point- it's the same as talking about "child prostitutes" .

It only takes a minute to think about why both terms are wrong.

phishy · 18/03/2022 02:09

@Bollix

Oh bore off and pick a fight with someone else - maybe a other poster who used the term 😠
You wade into a thread AFTER the mystery has been resolved and start sneering at theories that wee made and are now telling people to bore off?

Pathetic.

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 18/03/2022 02:12

That’s great news. I do feel very sad for your grandparents. If he’s asking for photos then it’s probably true they looked after him well and were not at fault. It would be interesting to hear what happened to him. No one puts them self online if they didn’t want to be found. Surely your relatives know if he was reported missing. How can you wake up one day and realise your relative is missing and not do anything you can to find them?

RantyAunty · 18/03/2022 02:46

That's wonderful news!!!

I only log in to that site a couple times a year and always get the spam ads but not the actual notifications someone has message me. That will explain the slow replies for many.

Glad to hear he is doing well in the US. Maybe he is ready to connect a bit. You, his bestie, etc.

lightand · 18/03/2022 03:04

I have a cousin, who while not completely vanished, appears and and then goes back to not hearing from him in years.
His perogative. Just likes to be left alone.
Not sure why he does it.
There are all sorts of different people in the world. And different situations too.

lightand · 18/03/2022 03:06

My cousin did however, once when he was on holiday in the phillipines, break his leg and was in hospital. He sent us pictures then. Presumably, so that if something went wrong, we knew where he was!