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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know?

OP posts:

Longdistance · 17/03/2022 23:16

Maybe he’s met someone, has dc and is happy for the first time in his life? Who knows?

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:18

@BillyBarryBoo

Could he have had a son with the same name and it's this son you have found on Ancestry?

Wow I didn't think of that.. it's totally possible

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2022 23:23

I find it interesting that he has cut himself off from his former life but has been on Ancestry to look at (maybe add to) family information.

I think that you contacting him was a good thing to do, even if he doesnt get back to you at least he will know that he is loved and thought about. And who knows, he might get back to you are some point in the future when he has had time to think about it. You are I would imagine the least threatening person to be in touch with as you were only a child when he left and will have fewer demands on his mindset and choices than older members of the family may do.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:23

So is family gave him money as he perhaps had none himself, which points to potentially him having no job. Plus he upped and left, again making me think unemployed.

Good point.

So the last I knew when he was living with GP's he didn't have a paid job. He spent alot of time in his room, gaming. He did some unpaid work at a charity shop for a period of time, my mother said that was made a requirement by the job centre? So he was claiming benefits at the time.

He was very much into computers, consoles, etc. If he had any particular skills I would hazard a guess and say he would be doing something IT related - but that's just speculation.

RE the money they gave him

I don't know whether it was a loan to be repaid or a gift.

OP posts:

Frolicinameadow · 17/03/2022 23:24

I have an odd family, to put it mildly.
There are a couple of family members who left under similar circumstances and never returned. One of them has never been found, assumed to be in either Oz or the US, possibly changed their details but never heard from once they left.
The other moved to a closer country and started and entirely new life, had a family, kids and grandkids. He only got back in contact when he was ill. He left for a number of reasons but the main one was that he felt “othered” because he wasn’t raised by his parents but they were still part of the family. He felt he couldn’t escape the shadow they cast over his life and that if he stayed he was almost pre-destined to end up like them. He found it very very difficult that the family continued to accept his parents despite their abandonment of him.
There were other things had happened in the family that led to him feeling unloved, a burden and unworthy of being loved.
He was in contact for about a year before cutting communication again. Turns out our family has a gene for producing dickheads and he was hurt by them all over again and he understandably didn’t want or need that in his final days.
Things are not always black and white and people have their reasons for leaving.

Scbchl · 17/03/2022 23:25

Whole thing seems quite strange. Why would he give his son the exact same first and middle and last name as what was given to him from parents he was estranged from and a family he left. Why be on ancestry. Its all very strange, unless he was concerned by staying his parents would turn up and he'd have to face them one day. Maybe it was easier to up and leave and make a new life for yourself and forget about the past, your pain from it and the parents who failed at parenting you.

Appleseesaw · 17/03/2022 23:27

On users’ profiles there’s quite often an age range on there, so that should give more of an idea.

Changechangychange · 17/03/2022 23:27

He might have got in trouble abroad and ended up in prison

Maybe he went to prison in the UK? Possibly for something socially embarrassing for your GPs, like drugs, rape or child porn (you said he spent a lot of time on his computer, though obviously 20 years ago the internet wasn’t really what it is today). So they said he’d gone travelling.

SucculentChalice · 17/03/2022 23:30

None of this makes sense. If he didn't want to be found, he wouldn't have a username on ancestry.com which identified him so clearly. A user account on their suggests that he wants to trace his family.

OTOH grandparents quite often tell children sanitised versions of the truth. Was he perhaps jailed in the US?

Why on earth, as a British citizen, wasn't he reported as missing by his legal guardians? If he was, there should be a police record of it and you can report this new information to the police.

Where are his father and mother now? Its not unfeasible that they could have created an account using his personal details and name for whatever reasons they may have...

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:32

Alot of good points made and questions raised here, alot of which I hadn't thought about.

It's frustrating having such little information, being a child myself at the time there is alot I just don't know the answers to.

Getting my DNA on a database is a good idea.

I really hope he's safe and happy wherever he is.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2022 23:32

His parents had alcohol problems. Which tend not to appear out of nowhere. And he was brought up by their parents.

Could have been all sorts of things. Tread carefully.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:35

@Changechangychange

He might have got in trouble abroad and ended up in prison

Oh god that doesn't bare thinking about

He did spend alot of time on his computer yes, he was a very introverted person.

I'm fairly sure that GP's did believe he was travelling as my GD was really torn up about the fact he wasn't getting in touch. They were worried because they didn't know where/how he was.

Ofc that could have been a front to shield me from whatever the truth was but it seemed very genuine in hindsight

OP posts:

shssandhr · 17/03/2022 23:37

There will be way more to this story than you have been told. There are all kinds of possibilities.

Might have/have had mental health issues arising from trauma caused by the alcoholic parents which led to him feeling the need to escape.
Perhaps grandparents were overbearing in some way when bringing him up and he felt he couldn't cope. (This happened to a distant cousin of mine - he walked out on his wife and young children and showed up once 20 years later at his father's saying his father was to blame as he'd been so overbearing he needed to escape).
Some kind of prison sentence which was hushed up as "gone travelling".
Cousin saw no future stuck living with his grandparents in the UK and gaming all the time with no prospects of a job/own place so left and didn't come back.
Perhaps gay and felt unable to come out for whatever reason, thought it better to start new life somewhere else.

Sadly, I don't think you'll ever get to the bottom of this and he obviously doesn't want contact with any of your family as he ignored your message on ancestry. It's possible he was on there researching his mother's family rather than yours - trying to find out more about that side.

Sswhinesthebest · 17/03/2022 23:37

There must be some way of finding out if he’s on a missing person list?

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:38

@MrsTerryPratchett

His parents had alcohol problems. Which tend not to appear out of nowhere. And he was brought up by their parents.

Could have been all sorts of things. Tread carefully.

I understand yes.

Perhaps not a total coincidence that my mother also has problems with alcohol, and aunt #1 has complex MH problems.

I suspect there is alot I don't know, which worries and confuses me in equal measure as the only memories I have of my GP's are good ones and anybody who knew them had nothing but good to say about them.

But the trauma comes from somewhere doesn't it?

I think I'm missing alot here and may never have the answers.

OP posts:

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 17/03/2022 23:38

I have an uncle who vanished for over 15 years. It wasn't as much of a surprise as your cousin, because he was a drug addict and not in a good place. But he did eventually resurface and got back in touch. He was clean, in a great job, and much more at peace with himself. He lives in a nice little house by the seaside.

I hope your cousin's story has a happy ending too.

Sswhinesthebest · 17/03/2022 23:40

@Changechangychange

He might have got in trouble abroad and ended up in prison

This could be very likely.

FacebookPhotos · 17/03/2022 23:41

You were so young when this happened I really don’t think your memories from that time are reliable. I’m not saying you’re lying, just that our memories change over time. If it were me, I’d take everything I remember from such a young age with a dose of scepticism tbh.

I’d also tread very carefully in contacting this person. It could be exactly as you’ve been told - your cousin just disappeared for no real reason causing heartbreak to your grandparents and aunts. But it could be that there’s a dreadful family secret that nobody has shared (eg abuse by his parents).

Poppetlove · 17/03/2022 23:41

Id set a private investigator on it..
If even to locate and find him, check he is ok, happy and surviving.
It might set your mind at ease.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:47

There's no way of contacting him beyond the attempt I made via ancestry, as there's no other trace of him online anywhere.

Given the amount of time I remember him spending on his computer it seems unlikely that he wouldn't have an online presence somewhere in the age of social media, so I do wonder if he has changed his name by deed poll and goes under a new identity - only using his birth name when he was on ancestry because he was looking at his family links.

To the PP saying I should treat anything I do know with scepticism as I was just a child at the time, yes you make a valid point. The version I was told and have grown up believing may not be the reality of the situation.

It's a very uncomfortable feeling, the not knowing.

OP posts:

user3837313202 · 17/03/2022 23:48

@Changechangychange

He might have got in trouble abroad and ended up in prison

The internet was - in respect of child porn - much like it is today

Operation Ore was in 1999 and that was thoroughly bungled and resulted in some innocent people (whose stolen credit card details had been used to buy child porn) being arrested and convicted. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Ore

But it seems a bit of leap if no one has ever heard from him since, and doesn't appear to know where he is. I imagine that someone would have admitted that his travelling didn't get him past Strangeways by now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2022 23:49

@Poppetlove

Id set a private investigator on it.. If even to locate and find him, check he is ok, happy and surviving. It might set your mind at ease.

Why?

He is obviously ok. I am sure if he was living on the streets somewhere and struggling to live, going on Ancestry would be the least of his concerns.

He wants to not be in contact as otherwise he would have replied to the OP, but wants to maybe just keep an eye on the family from a safe distance.

Putting a PI onto it is grossly invasive and disrespectful of his wishes. If he were to find out, imagine the damage it could do. He had his reasons to leave and no one, absolutely no one, has the right to push their way into his life like this.

Original poster

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 23:49

@Poppetlove

Id set a private investigator on it.. If even to locate and find him, check he is ok, happy and surviving. It might set your mind at ease.

Can I do that legally? I don't want to put myself on dodgy grounds or even risk upsetting him if there's a painful reason he doesn't want to be found. I would really like to know that he's safe and well though.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock1 · 17/03/2022 23:54

There are lots of reasons people disappear.
Some through choice and others through tragedy.
You never know what is going on in someone's life.
It might not have been him on the site.
If he wanted to disappear I don't know why he'd register with the site.

Whatinthelord · 17/03/2022 23:58

Could you go to the police yourself, ask if he was ever reported missing and if not report him missing?

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