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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
PiperPosey · 18/03/2022 03:51

So happy that you received message from him... great!

I read a quote that goes.. "All those who go missing are NOT lost."
( or something close to that)

Hopefully this pertains to that.

Porcupineintherough · 18/03/2022 04:05

Whatever his reasons disappearing like that was an unbelievably cruel thing to do to the grandparents who raised him. I'd have trouble getting over that tbh.

ClaryFairchild · 18/03/2022 04:42

Hmm, the sceptic in me wonders if he is looking for a share in an inheritance....

PiperPosey · 18/03/2022 04:44

@Porcupineintherough

Whatever his reasons disappearing like that was an unbelievably cruel thing to do to the grandparents who raised him. I'd have trouble getting over that tbh.
Cruel is certainly the word I would use...absolutely. I can't imagine the pain they went through. The NOT knowing would do me in.

A quick..I'm fine, I just want to live my life apart from my family. Of course you would be sad, but to leave them wondering all those years is unforgivable.

TillyTabby · 18/03/2022 05:40

This is something from the movies happening in real time.

So glad he replied and may possibly give you some closure. Please keep us updated as you don’t hear of Sysco unusual stories very often. Whatever the reasons, there’s a lot of sadness here and lessons we can all learn from by keeping ourselves alert for signs when someone maybe be upset, lonely, depressed or being abused…..

TunaPaste · 18/03/2022 05:44

It's really lovely to be reminded how positive social media can be.

Davina1234 · 18/03/2022 06:29

How fantastic to finally hear from him

NutellaEllaElla · 18/03/2022 06:35

Wow I'm so glad he got back to you op but my mind boggles as to how he lost contact in the first place if that was not intentional. He missed the death of his dear grandparents.

ittakes2 · 18/03/2022 06:43

I think you need to tread carefully - I know it sounds far fetched but what if this person has taken his identity and if you send photos he has more evidence he is legit? I am mean do you really believe he lost contact? He couldn’t ring or write to anyone in his family?

couchparsnip · 18/03/2022 06:44

That's amazing. I wonder why he cut ties with his family.
Maybe he got into a cult or an abusive relationship. You can imagine a young person with a traumatic childhood, travelling alone could be preyed on by these people and then encouraged to reject contact with home.

nicesausages · 18/03/2022 06:47

This is like an episode of 'Long Lost Family'.
I do agree with other posters saying tread carefully, but he's obviously curious about his family background as he wouldn't have gone to the Ancestry site if he wasn't.
Hopefully you might both get some answers from this. And including his best friend on it May also help

BreatheAndFocus · 18/03/2022 06:51

I’d be a bit suspicious frankly. Are you sure it’s him? He could have told his story to anyone who could them have impersonated him. If it is really him, has he not given any idea why he didn’t contact his Grandparents? Who would do a thing like that? Unless there’s a mega secret backstory, you’d have to be very callous to behave like that. He could easily have let them know he was ok and still have led his separate life.

Keep your wits about you and look at what he says carefully.

TheBigDilemma · 18/03/2022 06:52

You were very young, the America story is a handy way to protect you if he went to jail or something bad happened to him at the hands of your grandparents.

If he really went to America, he may have felt it was easier to create his own back story once there and live his life without the drama/stigma of being abandoned by alcoholic parents. He may have gone through a lot you are not aware off before he went incommunicado.

ChirpyChirp · 18/03/2022 06:53

I had a cousin who spent my childhood 'working away at sea'. Turns out he was actually in prison! Could it be something along these lines?

EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 18/03/2022 07:04

So glad i rtft! Grin

What a lovely update OP and rockinghorseshit that brought a tear to my eye.

Now time for my batshit theory: I was trying to research my gg-grandmother.

However I was pished and instead of searching for her - I managed to resister AS her. Other relatives may be surprised to learn that “Agnes, born 1850” has created a profile on ancestry…

Reader: I have a degree in software engineering.

Lulooo · 18/03/2022 07:06

@Porcupineintherough

Whatever his reasons disappearing like that was an unbelievably cruel thing to do to the grandparents who raised him. I'd have trouble getting over that tbh.
It's fantastic you've found him, and him you. But I do agree with this. If only he'd bothered trying to get back in touch. Had your grandparents moved house since he left or changed their phone number? Old people usually don't. So if not, how hard was it for him to write a letter and post it or make a phonecall to the landline?

If they had, then maybe he could have written a letter to someone else to pass a message onto them. The fact that he chose not to get in touch with anyone at all and leave his grandparents in worry and without closure until they died is very unkind.

But at the same time, they're gone now so I don't think you should bring any of that up with him. There's no point anymore. If you guilt trip him even the slightest it's possible he'll dissappear again. I mean, he does have form for it.

MRex · 18/03/2022 07:09

While it's all very exciting, be very careful that this isn't someone who has taken his identity. Has he said anything that couldn't have been prompted by your email to suggest he is who he says?

HoppingPavlova · 18/03/2022 07:13

It’s really strange that someone who wanted to disappear from their old life, to the point of suddenly cutting off grandparents, all friends etc would get onto Ancestry where they could be so easily tracked. Doesn’t make sense. Are you sure it’s the same person?

FrancescaContini · 18/03/2022 07:13

@Aquamarine1029

I think there's probably a lot of things you don't know and never will. I would leave him be.
Yes, agree.
Branleuse · 18/03/2022 07:15

At least you know hes alive

Im2022 · 18/03/2022 07:17

Well it’s a mystery isn’t it?

What’s weird is that your grandparents, parents or other family never alerted the police that he’d disappeared. That’s really weird. Makes me think they knew he’d disappeared by choice… OR…they MADE him disappear. I’d be checking your patio.

bellabasset · 18/03/2022 07:23

I hope you'll update us when you find put more.

LittleSnakes · 18/03/2022 07:24

Wow, that’s incredible. Wonder what he’s been up to. And why he couldn’t get in contact.

supersop60 · 18/03/2022 07:29

Great news OP!

SoupDragon · 18/03/2022 07:30

So glad you know he's alive and well

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