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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

161 replies

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 15:58

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 17/03/2022 16:01

So while you are happy for your mum to do favours for you, you don’t think she is capable of saying no to others…….?

SoftwareDev · 17/03/2022 16:01

Unless your mum has some sort of ASN then I think you are unreasonable to get involved.

If you feel she's taking the piss then raise it with your mum - she's a grown woman!

Squeezita · 17/03/2022 16:01

YANBU, I wouldn’t like it if someone did this to my mum.

What has your mum said about it?

FlipFlops4Me · 17/03/2022 16:01

I think you need to have a chat with your mum and ask her if she'd rather not help this lady, or if she's OK with it. And ask her to be totally honest with you. Once she's told you, you can either speak to the school mum or back off.

Nostrings457 · 17/03/2022 16:02

I wouldn’t like it either.

Original poster

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 16:04

My mum’s bored, and lonely, and would do anything for anyone. I don’t think she’d know whether someone was taking advantage. I just don’t get why this mum won’t ask any of the other mums instead? There are mums who walk pretty much past her door, for my mum it means driving out of her way.

OP posts:

Waterfordaston · 17/03/2022 16:04

Presumably your mother is actually an adult? If so, keep your beak out.

lobsteroll · 17/03/2022 16:04

@Nicknacky

So while you are happy for your mum to do favours for you, you don’t think she is capable of saying no to others…….?

Of course it's different doing a favour for your daughter and some other mum at the school gates 🤣🤣🤣 honestly, are you just looking for a fight?

Assuming that your mum doesn't want to help her out (check with your mum first) I'd just send a friendly message to the other woman and just say, you appreciate she's having a hard time but your mum doesn't have the capacity to help her out but she's too polite to say so, so stop asking (a little less bluntly of course)

Good luck!

Original poster

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 16:06

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 17/03/2022 16:07

If your mums bored and lonely maybe she’s actually glad to help her out?

Nicknacky · 17/03/2022 16:08

@lobsteroll Don’t be so bloody ridiculous. I just loved the irony that her mum isn’t capable of saying no to people when they need a favour.

And how ridiculous of you to message someone else on your mums behalf, she isn’t a child!

Aprilx · 17/03/2022 16:09

@Irritatedmum

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.

And….? What has this got to do with your mum choosing to help out?

Itsnotover · 17/03/2022 16:11

I don’t think you can get involved because it could spoil your daughter’s friendship.

This woman has obviously figured out that your mum will allow her to take advantage. There is no way my mum would put up with this.

WouldYouIo · 17/03/2022 16:12

Someone told me to back off from their mum once . I hadn’t been asking favours as such just needed some help urgently and she was a witness to something (she worked at my dc nursery) but her daughter stepped in and told me to back off as her mum liked her job and was scared of her manager so couldn’t help me (this put my children at risk )

Sally872 · 17/03/2022 16:13

If your mum feels it is too much but she can't say no I would support her in how to be more assertive.

If your mum is happy to help then it is none of your business.

FloraFoxx · 17/03/2022 16:14

If your dm is lonely and happy to help out then what is the problem?

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 17/03/2022 16:15

What sort of things does she ask to borrow?

Original poster

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 16:18

@Aprilx there’s a lot going on, but the red flag for me is that there not above asking for things and money on social media. And it’s not a big distance to go from that to asking people directly for things and money, especially once they’re personally involved in doing the school run.

OP posts:

Kaleidoscope2 · 17/03/2022 16:21

If your mum is genuinely happy to help I don't see the problem, if she is just saying she is as you've said she is a softy I still think you can't get involved as she's an adult doing things of her own volition. If she's getting bullied into it then I think you need to help her be more assertive and if she can't then you might need to mention it.

Original poster

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 16:23

@Kaleidoscope2 I think it’s more likely that she feels sorry for her than being bullied, she’s a much nicer person than I am, I didn’t take after her! But when you’re nice people can take advantage and that’s what I worry about.

OP posts:

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 17/03/2022 16:25

Your mum's a grown-up. Would you like someone stepping in in this situation? I doubt it.

Embracelife · 17/03/2022 16:28

Just talk to your mum. Suggest she doesn't give away her money or valuables.

If you have concerns for safeguarding talk to school safeguarding lead.

MintJulia · 17/03/2022 16:31

If I was your mum, I would find your intervention patronising & insulting.

Your mum is a grown up. It is up to her who she helps. Unless she has mental health issues, I'm sure she is capable of saying no WHEN SHE WANTS TO.

ExcuseeeeMe · 17/03/2022 16:32

@Irritatedmum

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.

What’s that got to do with anything . Your mum is a adult it’s none of your business .

MintJulia · 17/03/2022 16:32

@Irritatedmum

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.

Isn't that more of a reason to help?

What a nasty thing to say.

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