To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

[Irritatedmum]

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

Personally after what you say about your mum, I'd be getting involved.

I wouldn't have the same issue with my mum, she is way more confident than me, but if I was concerned then I'd get involved.

Instead, could you get some of the other school Mum's to get a rota together to help her out with the school run.. shoulder the burden as a community... including perhaps including your Mum in the rota if she is willing.

@Irritatedmum

My mum’s bored, and lonely, and would do anything for anyone. I don’t think she’d know whether someone was taking advantage. I just don’t get why this mum won’t ask any of the other mums instead? There are mums who walk pretty much past her door, for my mum it means driving out of her way.

She has recognised that your mum is a soft touch. Cheeky fuckers have a special ability to do this. She knows that other people will happily say no.

I don’t have any sort of problem with the women personally, there’s no beef between us. She seems nice enough, but has very obvious issues. No, I’m not jealous about my mum’s time, that just wouldn’t happen. I’m concerned about my mum getting taken advantage of. I obviously don’t want to give details of what she’s lent out but at this point it’s not about value, it’s about how often it’s happening and my mum’s time. I’m sure I don’t know the half of it but she was asked to give a lift over 30 miles away - not to this woman, but to her brother. I know that was turned down but I don’t know what else has been asked for.

Thanks for calling me vile, faceless stranger. I’m not just saying they’ve got an untidy garden or their children have got stained clothes, I’m talking real troubling stuff about this family that I’m not putting into detail here. I only mentioned it to make the point that we aren’t talking about just an ‘ordinary family’. But I guess that’s irrelevant really.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, I can see all points of view here (but wish some of you were a bit less rude). The majority seems to be to leave her to it, and I will, but I really do hope none of your parents are ever in the same position.

I wouldn't get involved if my mum was helping somebody out who was having a tough time.

What does somebody who looks like they have social services involvement look like? What a nasty thing to say.

You say your mum is too nice etc. Well with comments like that if wouldn't be hard to be seen as too nice by you, would it really?

Of course if she's being taken for a ride financially or whatever, get involved. But really, if it's a quid or two for some milk and bread, or a diversion in the car for a few pence of petrol, it doesn't sound like extortion.

If none of the other mums speak to her and your mum does, why wouldn't she reach out to the only person she can for help? It must be horrible to be ostracised by all the other mums and judged for no reason. Maybe that's why she doesn't ask anyone else, because even though they live closer to her they are horrible to her. People know when people are bitching about them, they know when they are being judged, when other people don't like them.

Maybe your Mum is more kind hearted, and this other Mum is just grateful to have a friend. Maybe she is taking advantage, it would depend what she's actually receiving. Helps with lift sometimes and a few quid when she's short? I couldn't get upset about that. Especially if your mum gives that freely.

@Cookiecrumble22 I didn’t say it to be nasty - I was just making the point that this isn’t a ‘normal family’ for want of a better word. There are issues.

@Irritatedmum

My mum’s bored, and lonely, and would do anything for anyone. I don’t think she’d know whether someone was taking advantage. I just don’t get why this mum won’t ask any of the other mums instead? There are mums who walk pretty much past her door, for my mum it means driving out of her way.

Maybe they just genuinely like each other's company?

YABU because either your mum doesn’t want to do it and needs to be the one to say no or she does want to do it so will carry on regardless.

Nothing you will say is going to make this mum stop asking your mum to do things as she’s getting lots out of it - you would be better to encourage your mum to help less but putting it in a way that sounds like her helping less is actually beneficial to this other women.

I wouldn't say anything but I'd talk to my mum about it regularly, keeping it casual, but finding out about their relationship to make sure she isn't being taken advatange of - particularly financially.

The reaction here is bonkers. I would feel equally protective of my mum, who is one of the best people in the world and would struggle to say no to someone who was in need. I would have a quiet word and say something like 'listen my mum is such a sweetheart, she's not always the best as setting boundaries. If you need something please ask me, but it's not really appropriate to ask her.'

@crispmidnightpeace I dunno, I guess they must, which is weird considering the age gap (40 ish years). But it happens I guess! And she probably feels maternal towards someone with problems which is understandable. And mum and I are very different, so she might bond with different people, I do get that. Maybe I’m just being suspicious for no reason (the person who said I was feeling protective got it spot on maybe)

I'd be more inclined to have a word with your mum and say, 'You are a very kind and generous person and i massively appreciate what you do for me. I've noticed X has started asking a lot of favours of you. I know you are too nice to say no but if you don't want to do them I'll have a quiet and friendly word with her. I don't want you exhausted, going out of your way for people you met through me if you'd prefer not to.'

Then respect her reply.

I'd be concerned too but think it's best to talk to your mum, as pp suggests. I understand why you feel protective.

@Irritatedmum

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.

Why do you mention this? Do you think less of families who are supported by social services?

@gingerhills that sounds like a perfect balance, you’re a genius.

I can understand your concern, OP

Your mum is a people pleaser and lonely, so if this school mum IS a user then your mum could get sucked in

What does your mum say when you tell her to be careful?

I'd find that annoying, if someone was taking advantage of my mother's kind nature, but I can't see how telling the other mum to back off would go very well! Your mother has to make the decision herself. Can you speak to your mum about your concerns?

The most I'd do would be to drop hints to the school mum to indicate that your mother isn't able to loan things, do favours, etc. However, that would depend on the woman taking the hints, which seems doubtful, from what you've written. And I'd worry she'd say something to your mum about it, which might be awkward, if she doesn't appreciate you "interfering".

I don’t understand why your considered action is to tell School mum to leave your mum alone.

Surely the obvious first action is to chat to your mum and check whether she’s feeling pressured - or, bored and lonely and happy to help.

@Nicknacky

So while you are happy for your mum to do favours for you, you don’t think she is capable of saying no to others…….?

Mothers do favours for daughters, totally different thing.

@Cocomarine I’d didn’t know what to do, that’s why I’m here asking for advice!

And I do appreciate the advice. Thanks everyone.

Maybe OP mum struggles saying no to folk. god knows there’s plenty of threads on here where someone’s being taken advantage of by a cf, and they can’t seem to put boundaries in place, then everyone piles in with “no is a complete sentence” 🙄
OP, I’d be checking with your DM, to make sure she isn’t having her good nature taken advantage of and that she’s happy providing support. If she is happy, fair enough.

@Irritatedmum
I do understand where you are coming from.
A chaotic family can easily lean on well meaning older people for money and favours.
Someone i knew well was asked for money outright, then asked if the chaotic mother and one of her DC could move in to the person’s house.
Despite having LA housing.
Person was shocked- it began with thin end of the wedge favours.

There are some users out there.

@Irritatedmum
Edit
The older person luckily said no, and pulled right back.

I think your mum can make up her own mind and she probably enjoys the company. I think you should ask your mum if she is happy to help this woman out. Also I think you emailing that other woman is just not right on behalf of your mum as that is undermining your mum. I think you should a bit snobby to be honest and hard and don't have much empathy. So maybe your mum gets on with this woman and does not mind helping once they are not asking on a daily basis.