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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

161 replies

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 15:58

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 17/03/2022 20:24

@Nicknacky

So while you are happy for your mum to do favours for you, you don’t think she is capable of saying no to others…….?
So because I, as a grandparent, help out with school collection if needed, I should be at the service of every lazy Tom, Dick and Harriet? You're either totally deluded or a person who thinks the world owes them a living!
Rainbowdrops2021 · 17/03/2022 20:25

I can 100% see where you’re coming from OP. It’s like people are pretending that older people are never exploited or scammed it happens all of the time and these people are often purposely preyed on. I have a really kind aunty that helped a lady who was struggling mentally and financially with her children some of the things she said were huge red flags to me but it wasn’t my place to say in the end she took large sum of money from her that she never got back, if it was my dm I definitely would say something. Just tell her to be careful.

JudgeJ · 17/03/2022 20:27

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

What sort of things does she ask to borrow?
The thin end of the wedge is what people like this start off borrowing.
Rainbowdrops2021 · 17/03/2022 20:30

Yes exactly with my aunty it started off really small,
Childcare and money for travel ect after she gained her trust it spiralled. I’m sure she saw her coming a mile off and preyed on her kindness she doesn’t see the bad in people like OPs mum and apparently all of MN tonight.

SartresSoul · 17/03/2022 20:32

Your Mum is a big girl and I’m sure she could say no if she really wanted to. She might be happy helping them, you’re just assuming she isn’t.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/03/2022 20:55

@FlipFlops4Me

I think you need to have a chat with your mum and ask her if she'd rather not help this lady, or if she's OK with it. And ask her to be totally honest with you. Once she's told you, you can either speak to the school mum or back off.
This.

It’s ultimately up to your mum. You sound like quite different people. It’s not wrong you feel protective of her, but it might be she actively enjoys being useful.

spotcheck · 17/03/2022 21:10

@Irritatedmum

My mum’s bored, and lonely, and would do anything for anyone. I don’t think she’d know whether someone was taking advantage. I just don’t get why this mum won’t ask any of the other mums instead? There are mums who walk pretty much past her door, for my mum it means driving out of her way.
Maybe it gives your mum a feeling of satisfaction to help someone else. I'm sure she knows when she is being taken advantage of.
Rubyupbeat · 17/03/2022 21:13

Maybe she just feels your mum is a nice person, one who speaks to her, unlike the other mums.

ChristmasTreeGorgeous · 17/03/2022 21:17

The bird at school sounds like trouble. You know your Mother and if you feel she is being taken advantage then trust your intuition. Tell her you are going to have a polite word with school bird. Your Mother’s reaction to this will direct your next move.

Ghostmooncup · 17/03/2022 21:19

Not rtft but I absolutely would speak to the school mum.

That's because my mum has a history of poor boundaries and not being assertive.

GreyTS · 17/03/2022 21:20

This is nuts!! On what planet do people ask favours from the grandparents of their children's school friends? And the abuse being directed at the OP who dares to be concerned about her mother? I feel like I've wandered into an alternate reality, and sorry but the PP with 'struggles' who regularly asks friends and acquaintances for help and even asks for money in social media. No mate that's not feckin normal, I have plenty of struggles of my own as so many others but I truly cant believe the neck of you!!

cherish123 · 17/03/2022 21:23

Stay out of it. Your mum is an adult and will say no.if she wants to.

Nostrings457 · 17/03/2022 21:25

@GreyTS couldn’t have said it better

Gumbomambo · 17/03/2022 21:30

@GreyTS 👏👏👏

CelestiaNoctis · 17/03/2022 21:31

Sounds like my mum. She'll get burned eventually and it'll peter out. You don't need to do anything, trust me.

Gilly12345 · 17/03/2022 21:54

I think you need to have a conversation with your Mum before you step in with this Mum at school.

I would feel the same if it was my Mum as people can very easy feel sorry for people and they be manipulated into helping people out with can then lead to problems and exploitation.

Siepie · 17/03/2022 21:54

Your mum did say no when there was a request she thought was unreasonable, so she is capable of rejecting this woman's requests herself.

Speak to your mum and ask if she'd like you to have a word with this woman, but don't go behind your mum's back to do it. I think it would be quite infantilising to your mum to start managing her social interactions for her when she doesn't want you to.

HikingforScenery · 17/03/2022 21:58

You mention that your mum is lonely. Sounds like she appreciates the attention this school mum is giving her and doesn’t mind doing the favours for her. She might like feeling needed.
Treat her like an adult and speak to her about what she wants to do. If she wants to refuse, she should be able to do that herself.

Notwithittoday · 17/03/2022 22:05

I wouldn’t like it either. These people are CF

Coyoacan · 17/03/2022 22:17

At what age, do we mums lose the ability to make our own decisions and need our dd's to make decisions for us?

At 60? 65? 70? or 75?

HikingforScenery · 17/03/2022 22:23

@Coyoacan

At what age, do we mums lose the ability to make our own decisions and need our dd's to make decisions for us?

At 60? 65? 70? or 75?

Hear! Hear!
Blossomtoes · 17/03/2022 22:30

Thing is I read posts on MN all the time where the majority of posters reach a verdict of “They’re cheeky fuckers” and most of the time I completely disagree. It seems my tolerance levels are unusually high, perhaps that comes with age - I’m the same age as your mum @Irritatedmum.

Im2022 · 17/03/2022 22:31

@Irritatedmum

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.
🤣 I’m just imagining an old woman being made to deliver drugs from one place to another under the guise of “helping her with the kids”…
5128gap · 17/03/2022 22:34

@Coyoacan

At what age, do we mums lose the ability to make our own decisions and need our dd's to make decisions for us?

At 60? 65? 70? or 75?

Seemingly at an earlier age than they consider us no longer able to care for their children, with all the capability and decision making that requires.
Ionlydomassiveones · 17/03/2022 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.