To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

[Irritatedmum]

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

@Itsnotover

I don’t think you can get involved because it could spoil your daughter’s friendship.

This woman has obviously figured out that your mum will allow her to take advantage. There is no way my mum would put up with this.

@Itsnotover

Maybe OP's Mum likes this woman and is happy to lend a hand from time to time

What
In total
Has she actually Asked for?

And I’m going to take a punt

You don’t have a great history with this woman?!

Well if your mum is happy to do this then that’s her choice, but I would be spitting feathers if my daughter stepped in like that! I’m an adult and quite able to do things myself

I understand where you're coming from OP but I don't think you can overrule your mum.

Just try to talk some sense into your dm.

@Bagelsandbrie

If your mums bored and lonely maybe she’s actually glad to help her out?

My thoughts too.

This is completely down to your Mum. Have you asked her what she wants to do?

The reference to social services isn't on. You sound judgemental, why is that?
Do you think perhaps, that this woman is a threat to the help you are getting from your mum? Do you think it would interfere?

Trust your mother with your children
Trust her to have sufficient mental awareness to decide whether someone is taking advantage of her and accept or decline accordingly

@Lndnmummy

The reference to social services isn't on. You sound judgemental, why is that? Do you think perhaps, that this woman is a threat to the help you are getting from your mum? Do you think it would interfere?

Yep

I reckon there’s negative history between op and this woman
And the op just plain doesn’t like her mother engaging with her

I would feel protective over my mum too, and feel a bit weird that someone who's an almost stranger is asking so much of her.

Talk to your mum and find out how she really feels first, and then a polite message to the school mum. Or tell your mum to start saying no (politely) when she asks for things (i.e. say she's busy) so eventually she gets the hint.

Yabu. Your mums a grown women. If I was you would have a chat with your mum about healthy boundaries about money and lending things. I'd also discuss how this impacts your dd

Depends on what your mum wants, if she’s not happy and asked you to intervene then yes.
However my mum has done lots of school runs over the years and always properly threw herself into the whole school gate thing. She knew all the mums and my sc friends, used to go the park with them and things and would often pick up a friend if asked by one of the other mums. So if she’s happy to stay out of it. She might be gaining a whole new social life ! Or not

My mum’s bored, and lonely, and would do anything for anyone. I don’t think she’d know whether someone was taking advantage. I just don’t get why this mum won’t ask any of the other mums instead?

You answered your own question - she’s lonely and generous and this was picked on.

You're jealous and its making you feel sniffy that your mother is helping someone else that isn't you.
While you can kid yourself you are doing it under the guise of your poor old mum being too kind and being taken advantage of, that's not actually true is it?

I'm sure she is fully capable of either asking you to have a word or talking to the women herself. She has not done either which would lead you to believe she is happy helping for now.

@Irritatedmum hard as it is then I'd say that's my second point and you have to leave her to it. Probably not what you wanted to hear and it's hard not to feel like you want to step in especially if it's not in your nature to do the same as her but it might actually make your mum feel better knowing she's doing something to help this person rather than ignoring it if she feels she's in a position to help.

Your mum sounds quite capable, you trust her with your children? Why are you treating her like she’s incapable of making friends?

Social services being involved could mean literally anything and you sound vile for trying to use this to make her look bad.

I wouldn’t dream of telling my parents who they could associate with.

You'd probably really embarrass your mum if you did this, not to mention its infantilising. It's fine if you're not as nice as she is, but she is the one who will be left dealing with the awkwardness and embarrassment of you being rude on her behalf.

@FloraFoxx

If your dm is lonely and happy to help out then what is the problem?

This. My dad is retired and bored and jumps at the chance to help neighbours or friends, it helps pass the time and makes him feel useful. Your dm might be perfectly happy to help out, talk to her first.

I get where you're coming from OP, I wouldn't want my mum to be taken advantage of either, especially if she was a gullible sort (mine isn't!!).

But I think I would deal with it via your mum not via the school mum.

I would just say that if she wants to help her out then great, but not to feel obliged, and would definitely be advising her not to hand over money etc. If your mum is forewarned it might make it easier for her to say no to any requests she's not comfortable with.

personally I would talk to my mum, and just give her some insight into the character she is dealing with (cf asking for money via social media), give her the heads up that the other mum might be the sort of person to take advantage of a giving nature and you wouldn't want to see that happen.
You can ask if she's comfortable with the level of favours being asked but suggest that she watches out for getting in too deep. You can caveat it with you could be wrong and the lady won't take a mile instead of an inch but given what you've seen on social media you would not be a caring daughter if you didn't offer a word of caution.
Then just keep an eye on it. Unless your mum admits she'd like to say no but doesn't feel she can, in which case come up with a strategy together

I get why this bothers you.

But:

Have your mother and this women become 'friendly' and now your mother wants to help.

Or:

Is this women focusing on your mother as she seems like a push over and your mother would just do anything?

Does your mother lack boundaries to say no, be aloof etc?

If they're friendly back off it's non of your business.

If she's taking advantage talk to your mum.

Ultimately though if after all that I genuinely thought someone was taking advantage of my mother I'd say something to put some boundaries in place.

Have you actually asked your mum how she feels? You said your mum gers a bit bored and lonely . So maybe she likes doing it. But if it is to much for your mum. Maybe she clubs say she's sorry but she won't be able to pick her kids up anymore with the cost of petrol on the up she can't afford it.

If you told her to leave your mum alone your mum may well feel very embarrassed.

There was no need for the social service comment that was pretty nasty. (If) she does need help from them them she's clearly struggling and needs help/support she may have no one.

If she is asking people on social media for money and things. It's down to then people to say no.

Your mum is an adult who is clearly capable enough to do you favours.

If she’s happy to help this woman out then there’s no issue. If she’s not, then she needs to deal with it herself and say no to requests.

Isn't that up to her to decide? She's an adult, and she became friends with her. It's a bit odd to dictate someone else's friendship, unless she actually said to you that she needed your help because she couldn't say no.