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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

161 replies

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 15:58

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 17/03/2022 22:42

@Ionlydomassiveones

I would be modelling and teaching your DM how to say no politely and how to be gently assertive. The CF is taking advantage of her good nature but ultimately she’s a grown women and needs to learn this for the sake of long term civility at the school. It’s not about not ‘being nice’ - it’s about appropriate boundaries.
How incredibly patronising. And rude. Her boundaries have worked for her for decades - teaching your grandmother to suck eggs springs to mind.
Ionlydomassiveones · 17/03/2022 22:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Blossomtoes · 17/03/2022 22:48

And are now affecting her dd

Only because her dd won’t mind her own business. She’s a grown woman, not a child.

Nicknacky · 17/03/2022 23:32

@JudgeJ I think you missed my point…… I have very little family help and pay for my before and after school care. I’m anything but entitled.

liveforsummer · 18/03/2022 06:22

@MintJulia

If I was your mum, I would find your intervention patronising & insulting.

Your mum is a grown up. It is up to her who she helps. Unless she has mental health issues, I'm sure she is capable of saying no WHEN SHE WANTS TO.

This. You're trusting your mum to look after your dc so presumably she has the capacity of an adult and can make her own choices. If she can't say a simple no to something she really doesn't want to do is it safe to have her look after your dc?
HikingforScenery · 18/03/2022 06:30

@Ionlydomassiveones

I would be modelling and teaching your DM how to say no politely and how to be gently assertive. The CF is taking advantage of her good nature but ultimately she’s a grown women and needs to learn this for the sake of long term civility at the school. It’s not about not ‘being nice’ - it’s about appropriate boundaries.
I thought I was on a different thread then. This woman is not a child!
Calphurnia88 · 18/03/2022 09:47

The reaction here is bonkers. I would feel equally protective of my mum, who is one of the best people in the world and would struggle to say no to someone who was in need. I would have a quiet word and say something like 'listen my mum is such a sweetheart, she's not always the best as setting boundaries. If you need something please ask me, but it's not really appropriate to ask her.'

I agree with this approach, but only after you've had a conversation with your DM to express your concerns that her good nature might be being taken advantage of here. If DM is happy to continue with the lifts then so be it, but personally I would be having a friendly but firm conversation with the school mum if I felt she was taking advantage and that my DM was too polite to say something.

For PP who have said it's possible for friends to have a 40 year age gap (in relation to school mum and OPs DM... Whilst this is true, I don't think what we're talking about here is a friendship? All there seems to be to this 'relationship' is OPs DM ferrying school mums children around every week.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/03/2022 10:11

I'd speak to my mum in these circumstance.

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 10:26

@fruitbrewhaha

I'd speak to my mum in these circumstance.
Yes most grown assed adults would. Without even thinking
Coyoacan · 18/03/2022 18:25

I would have a quiet word and say something like 'listen my mum is such a sweetheart, she's not always the best as setting boundaries. If you need something please ask me, but it's not really appropriate to ask her.'

That is just what a lonely elderly woman needs, her daughter chasing her friends and acquaintances away.

Blossomtoes · 18/03/2022 18:32

Yes most grown assed adults would. Without even thinking

Maybe those “grown assed adults” should think before treating their parent in such a patronising and condescending fashion.

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