To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

[Irritatedmum]

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

Obviously you want to help your mum. I wouldn’t like to see my mum taken advantage of either. I would speak to your mum though rather than the school mum, and explain you don’t want her to get involved with helping this woman out, as you aren’t comfortable about the woman’s character, and don’t want to be dragged into it yourself, which might happen.

@CheeseCakeSunflowers she’s a little older, but not much . But she’s just so soft. She’s owed money by one of my cousins and won’t even ask for it back! But I take the point, thank you.

@SadMum12345 - so, so true. And the worst thing is so many women don’t even realise they’ve been conditioned. And it’s happening to girls now with the ‘be kind’ t shirts and shit.

Speaking as someone who has had periods of great struggle over the past few years (eg leg injuries that knock out my ability to do anything for months, and sometimes financial too), I see this from the other side. Protectiveness of generous parents aside, this thread is incredibly depressing.

I have found most people are oblivious to those around them and what goes on in their lives. When you are desperate, you feel like you are screaming, and most people don’t notice. Finding the odd person who is empathic and willing to do an odd favour can make all the difference.

Being someone who always used to work hard and do volunteer work too, I have hated asking so much of people, and because my few local friends have borne the brunt, I have occasionally found myself asking random acquaintances (eg via a facebook post). These are the times when I just can’t work out what to do, especially through the haze of pain.

A random acquaintance offering a knee bandage and bringing it to my door with a bunch of books from the local ‘phonebox’ lending library, or another one who brought me some much-needed food (and homemade cookies) – just lovely. Things I really needed AND friendly faces to talk to for a few minutes.

Both of these people I knew from years of volunteer work, so they know me/know I’m not a complete CF. Also both retired and – being lovely people - looking for opportunities to keep busy and/or to help people. I don’t plan to ask them endless favours, but it is great knowing they’re there if I am desperate for bananas.

I have asked for money via social media before. Being on long term sick benefit, you have to be careful all the time, and you can just about make do, but you have nothing to go into a ‘just in case’ pot. Then the sick benefit can be pulled at any time as they plunge you into a review period, reducing your income to nothing. If you can then claim JSA, it is minimum £30 less per week (leaving a default on the mortgage). I asked for money because I was desperate, and I despised myself for doing it. I’d have been mortified to be referred to as a CF in a Mumsnet thread. You get that sorted after months of wrangling and a tribunal, then you find a tiny bit of work you can manage and then your knee rips too and you spend more than you’ve earned and more then you get on physio appts/equipment ...

By all means keep an eye on and make sure your DM isn’t being taken advantage of. But if someone is asking too much, it might not be because they are cruel, but rather desperate and they don’t feel they can ask the other people in their life.

@Nicknacky

So while you are happy for your mum to do favours for you, you don’t think she is capable of saying no to others…….?

WTAF

She's her daughter and her grandchild. The other is a random.

You certainly haven't been 'vile', irritatedmum. All you can do is gently suggest to your mum that she limit her involvement with the other woman so as not to be taken advantage of. After that it really is up to your mother but do keep an eye on the situation.

You're a smashing daughter.

@Datafan55 I haven’t called her a cheeky fucker. And although I don’t know her well I don’t think she is the sort of person who is calculating. But there are peers she could be asking and she isn’t, she is asking someone’s grandparent. But maybe that’s because if I needed someone to do a school run for me there’s no way on earth I’d ask one of the other kids grandparents to do it. No way. I’d be asking a parent. But we’re all different.

@NurseBernard

Every now and then threads come along that remind me why I never start threads of my own on here.

OP - YANBU to be worried about your Mum.

Hopefully between the whacko replies, you've managed to glean some good advice.

Yep.

I'm reminded of the thread where a mother and daughter or female sibling team (can't recall) were quite clearly financially abusing an elderly gentleman of their acquaintance. They'd managed to get a wardrobe of designer clothes and an expensive car out of him. OP expressed some concern.

Some fucking bell must've gone off somewhere as, within seconds the MN bitches were out with their 'You sound jealous, OP' and 'Keep your beak out' and 'Awwww - was you hoping he'd buy you an Evoque, too?' (sic) bullshit. I suspect someone probably recommended OP seek some sort of therapy for her issues, too 🙄

I'm not notably infantilising, neurotic or jealous OP - but if the local CF family, with form for asking for cash on social media, were circling my mum - I'd be fucking wary, too. Speak to her in the first instance. Then let them know you've got their fucking number.

Your mum is a grown woman. She can make these kind of decisions for herself.

I would have a word with her…a subtle back off word.
She needs to know you are looking out for your mam and hopefully not take advantage any more.

@LetHimHaveIt you’ve hit the nail on the head here. Thank you so much, I’m so relieved it’s not just me.

They ask for money not just from their social media friends but on the local public forums too. I do feel sorry for them, but when it comes so close to home you do think about those horror stories you see on here or on the news. Mum’s ‘lent’ money to family members who’ve never paid her back, and is too embarrassed to make a fuss about getting it back, so I could just see it happening.

I’m not asking for MORE info, I just said that the one concrete incident was turned down.

Your follow up - that your mum has done the school run 3 times in one week is exactly the kind of thing that gives us perspective, and yes, that is too much!!

Maybe next time you could say to your mum that this woman has obviously managed to get her own kid to school before, and will do so again. The idea that she is the only one that can help/save the day, is not helpful, you’re right.

What does your mum say when you talk to her about it and suggest she may be being taken advantage of?

If she wants you to have a word then yes, you absolutely should. But talking to this other mother without your DM's agreement is infantalising your DM and really not good unless there is real concrete harm she is doing to your DM. Your DM may get something out of helping someone, even a CF, that you don't and if that's the case it's you need to find way to come to terms with it too.

[quote Irritatedmum]@Datafan55 I haven’t called her a cheeky fucker. And although I don’t know her well I don’t think she is the sort of person who is calculating. But there are peers she could be asking and she isn’t, she is asking someone’s grandparent. But maybe that’s because if I needed someone to do a school run for me there’s no way on earth I’d ask one of the other kids grandparents to do it. No way. I’d be asking a parent. But we’re all different.[/quote]
Actualyy no, you didn't - but PPs on the thread have eg on the issue of asking for money on social media. Also a term that is bandied about reguarly on here :-)

Young/middle-aged people can be horribly busy with commitments all over the shop, whilst a grandparent is normally a retiree with some extra time; I know I have found it easier to ask older people rather than those who will probably have to work even later at the end of the day etc. And possibly here it's not as she's a grandparent, but more a person picking up kids who just happens to be a grandparent?

@Datafan55 that’s a good point, maybe she thinks she’ll ask someone who won’t be as busy. I mean, she is busy - I say she’s bored and lonely but her days still get pretty full with one thing or another and she travels etc - but it’s not like she’s got a job. Food for thought.

OP, just listen to the posters who are actually giving you advice re for and against, just skim over the ones who are having a go for no reason. They're obviously bored.

If your mum wants you to, then fine. Otherwise no, let your mother work it out herself. I dont really see why asking another parent is fine but asking a grandparent isn't. Surely it's more about who this woman might feel comfortable with / who she knows best. If she sees your mother on the school run regularly, why should she not ask her? She's not mental deficient or an invalid, I presume.

Personally I wouldn't want to be 'used' but it is nice to do other people a favour sometimes. If your mum doesn't mind, why should you?

i have a lot of struggles but i would never ask unless it was an emergency one off sort of thing. I would say she is taking advantage and using struggles as an excuse (not saying she doesnt have them, just that she is using them to gain favors) i have severe depression, lone parent and seriously low income yet im the one packing other kids lunch on the sly as their parents refuse to give them money for school food or pack a lunch (parents are doctors!!) I dont ask for lifts, help, money, food, favors or anything.

Some people just use others, her struggles arent the reason though.

Is it you that takes your DD to school most of the time? If so, has this woman never asked you for favours? If not, I would worry that she is asking your mum because she sees her as a soft touch and I would definitely say something to her if I thought she was taking advantage. These things she’s borrowed, does she give them back?

Mum does roughly half of the school runs, I used to be there more before the pandemic. She’s only ever asked me once, a couple of weeks ago (and I did do it). But she asks mum a lot more. I’d seen a couple of other mums with her daughter so thought maybe she’d moved on. She does give things back, as far as I know.

Perhaps let your mum make her own decisions.

I wouldn't be happy OP. She probably asks people she knows will struggle to say no. I would say something.

I do think it's worth pointing out your concerns to your mum. I have had to point out to my own DM in the past when someone was taking advantage of her - she hadn't felt it was polite to refuse their (cheeky!) request.

What am I reading? Your mum's a grown-up, as you said she's bored and lonely, she might enjoy it. Either way it's her choice, I'm sure she can cope without your help 😆😆😆

If you genuinely believe that she will start asking for money, then have a conversation with your mum about it. Filling your mum in and warning her that this person is known to take advantage, is fair. As is giving her 'permission' and the confidence to say no.

But no, you absolutely do not tell the younger woman to back off. As someone of your mum's age, I'd be furious to be patronised and undermined like that.

[quote Irritatedmum]@crispmidnightpeace I dunno, I guess they must, which is weird considering the age gap (40 ish years). But it happens I guess! And she probably feels maternal towards someone with problems which is understandable. And mum and I are very different, so she might bond with different people, I do get that. Maybe I’m just being suspicious for no reason (the person who said I was feeling protective got it spot on maybe)[/quote]
What’s “weird” about having friends of different ages? If I were your mum - and I could be - I’d be really pissed off if you started interfering in my friendships.