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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask school mum to leave my mum alone?

161 replies

Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 15:58

There’s a mum at the school who’s DD is friends with mine.

She’s nice enough but for one reason or another she’s struggling. I haven’t got much in common with her, we’re not really friends.

When my mum takes my children to school she often chats with this mum, and they’re friends on social media.

But the school mum has started asking my mum for things. This has included borrowing things, lifts, and doing the school run for her when she can’t for whatever reason. And it winds me up. I feel like she’s taking the piss, she should be asking one of the other parents who live near to her, not a grandparent who is already doing someone a favour by being there. My mum is a softy and would ever say no to anybody. I feel sorry her struggles but I don’t want my mum to get sucked into them either.

AIBU to ask her nicely to leave my mum alone? Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
crispmidnightpeace · 17/03/2022 17:43

[quote Irritatedmum]@crispmidnightpeace I dunno, I guess they must, which is weird considering the age gap (40 ish years). But it happens I guess! And she probably feels maternal towards someone with problems which is understandable. And mum and I are very different, so she might bond with different people, I do get that. Maybe I’m just being suspicious for no reason (the person who said I was feeling protective got it spot on maybe)[/quote]
People of different ages can be friends yes. I think you are being a bit unreasonable yes but there will be nuances only you know about. Course you will be protective but I think if you did speak to the woman you'd be coming across a bit strange and possibly horrible and I don't know if that's worth it. Speak to your mum instead?

starfishmummy · 17/03/2022 17:46

So just imagine that you do wade in and tell the other Mum to back off. That's just going to reinforce to her that your own mother is weak and won't say no, so things could get worse.

I agree with chatting to your mother about this woman and her reputation as a "taker".

twilightcafe · 17/03/2022 17:50

Yanbu to suspect that this woman might see your mum as an easy mark but there isn't much you can do about it apart from keeping an eye on the friendship and checking in with your mum to make sure she's OK with how things are going.
She's an adult and can make her own decisions, whether you think they're right or wrong.

Laiste · 17/03/2022 17:52

I guess that with the social services info. the OP is trying to say that there is scope in this case for someone like OPs mum, maybe easily pulled in, to be left at risk somehow?

I don't know why is everyone is being so precious about OP saying a family looks as if social services might be involved? Sometimes it IS pretty obvious and it's fine to say it. Drugs, violence, neglect, general shitty behaviour within the community ... these are all things which are sometimes clearly visible to everyone around. These are all also things we all know full well aren't best for children to be growing up around. These aren't the sort of things we should be pretending we can't see.

RealRaymondReddington · 17/03/2022 17:54

YABU it sounds like your mum is a kind person who wants to help, it isn't up to you.

Bromse · 17/03/2022 17:56

@Irritatedmum

My mum’s bored, and lonely, and would do anything for anyone. I don’t think she’d know whether someone was taking advantage. I just don’t get why this mum won’t ask any of the other mums instead? There are mums who walk pretty much past her door, for my mum it means driving out of her way.
How far our of her way does your mum have to drive? She might be happy to do it, Irritated. It really is up to her.
MiddleSea · 17/03/2022 17:57

Of course you're not being unreasonable. This would piss me right off.
Gently support your mum so she doesn't feel that she needs to agree to help this other school mum. Your mum might not want to be unkind so that it doesn't come back to you or your kids. The other mum must be very needy but has quite a nerve to involve someone's nan.

YANBU

MiddleSea · 17/03/2022 17:58

Maybe this thread brings out the 'cool daughters' Grin

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 17/03/2022 18:02

She's your mum, if you are concerned, just talk to her and tell your thoughts about this. If you really think she's being taking advantage of by this school mum, you should tell her your concern.

SadMum12345 · 17/03/2022 18:03

I don't know what people are on about on here.

Some grown women have been socialised into believing everyone's problem is their problem and feel the need to help, they are literally incapable of saying no.

You know your mum best, if it were me, I would absolutely be getting her out of a situation where I felt she could be dragged into an unsafe situation especially as you say there have been requests for money on social media.

TabithaHazel · 17/03/2022 18:06

@Irritatedmum

Not to drip feed - we all want to stay anonymous, right? - I wouldn’t be surprised if social services are involved with this family, and if they aren’t I’m sure they will be at some point.
All the more reason for your mum to help out if she is happy to. Not everyone is as lucky as you OP to have a hands on grandparent. This other mum is clearly struggling and you want to put the boot in by stopping your mum helping out when she is willing to. I hope you never fall on hard times.
MiddleSea · 17/03/2022 18:08

@SadMum12345

I don't know what people are on about on here.

Some grown women have been socialised into believing everyone's problem is their problem and feel the need to help, they are literally incapable of saying no.

You know your mum best, if it were me, I would absolutely be getting her out of a situation where I felt she could be dragged into an unsafe situation especially as you say there have been requests for money on social media.

This is so so true.
Salome61 · 17/03/2022 18:13

I'm kind like your Mum but even I have my limits, and this girl will probably overstep the mark and your Mum will stop.

I'd just moved to the area and a parent repeatedly asked me if I could collect his child from school as he was working late. As my kids liked him, I did. It got ridiculous as I was collecting him about three times a week in the end. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he asked me to take him for a school vaccination as he was 'working late'. His child was really upset to have the injection without his Dad there, and when I took him home, 'Dad' was in the shower when we arrived. Not 'working late', he'd apparently read his 'rota' wrong. Just used me as a free childminder. Stopped helping immediately, I'd been taken for a fool.

Londoncallingme · 17/03/2022 18:14

Well why can’t you just ask your mum? Maybe she likes this woman and is happy to help? I don’t get why you haven’t just asked your mum. If she’s happy to be friends with this woman and help her then butt out.

silverbubbles · 17/03/2022 18:14

Can't believe the responses here! Yes, OP mum is an adult but we all know that adults can get taken advantage of.
She is only looking out for her mother!!

I think you should ask your mum how she wants to deal with it and then if necessary tell the other woman to back off.

Pookymalooky · 17/03/2022 18:14

I would actually say something to this woman in a nice way. I would also let the teacher know to build a picture. It’s not actually normal behaviour to ask a person you barely know (particularly a grandparent) favours unless in extreme emergencies as a one off. She’s seen someone vulnerable and is exploiting her kindness, really not ok.

wearingtheT · 17/03/2022 18:15

YANBU. I'd be having a quiet word with the mum. Nice people are taken for granted/ abused.

lborgia · 17/03/2022 18:17

Er, the one proper example you gave of the woman ramping up the favours was about driving her brother 30 miles? Your mother said NO!!

Sounds like she knows what she’s doing.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 17/03/2022 18:20

I am in my 60's so I'm guessing I am probably the same generation as your DM. In the same circumstances I would be fine with you asking me if I wanted help with managing this situation but I would see it as something to deal with myself if I felt it was getting too much. I would be annoyed if you jumped in without speaking to me first as I would see it as being treated like a child rather than an adult. I suggest you speak to your DM and find out want she wants to happen.

Thewindwhispers · 17/03/2022 18:24

I don’t think you can stop your mum being kind to someone, just because you don’t want to be. Unless your mum is in her eighties or mentally fragile then it’s up to her to set her own boundaries.

I mean what would you even do? Accost her on the playground and say “Oi leave my mum alone, she’s there to help me, only me”?

Namechangehereandnow · 17/03/2022 18:25

sadmum Some grown women have been socialised into believing everyone's problem is their problem and feel the need to help, they are literally incapable of saying no.

You have absolutely summed this up with wise words/insight. This is my mum! I literally cannot understand why she takes on everyone else’s problems. She literally goes out of her way constantly to help, advise, run around for everyone with a sob story, mild or major. It drives me absolutely insane that she does this! She gets over invested in their lives while ‘helping’ them. I truly cannot understand it.

MiddleSea · 17/03/2022 18:26

@CheeseCakeSunflowers

I am in my 60's so I'm guessing I am probably the same generation as your DM. In the same circumstances I would be fine with you asking me if I wanted help with managing this situation but I would see it as something to deal with myself if I felt it was getting too much. I would be annoyed if you jumped in without speaking to me first as I would see it as being treated like a child rather than an adult. I suggest you speak to your DM and find out want she wants to happen.
Ha, my mum would be exactly like you Smile, she's very independent sometimes annoyingly so.
Original poster
Irritatedmum · 17/03/2022 18:27

@iborgia I’m not giving details on here, it’s not fair on the family. I’m asking for advice, not spilling their details out. I thought I’d give an idea of what we’re talking about, she’s not asking to borrow the novels she’s finished with. It’s the only time she’s said no. She isn’t really a ‘no’ kind of person, especially as she knows this women through her child.

I obviously have mentioned this to mum before and she, to be honest, seemed uncomfortable and said ‘well I can’t say no, otherwise x can’t go to school’ sort of thing. I haven’t just noticed this happening once and come straight to mumsnet! It’s just that she’s done the school run three times in the last two week that’s made me think ‘actually maybe there’s more going on than I realised’. Thanks for the advice all, much appreciated.

OP posts:
unname · 17/03/2022 18:30

I would get involved. My mom is the same as yours - likely to do all kinds of things and later regret it. So at least talk to your Mom and maybe give a gentle “back off” vibe to the lady so she knows you are keep an eye on things

NurseBernard · 17/03/2022 18:33

Every now and then threads come along that remind me why I never start threads of my own on here.

OP - YANBU to be worried about your Mum.

Hopefully between the whacko replies, you've managed to glean some good advice. Smile