Piss taking 17 year old DSS

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DSS is 18 in May.he lives with us full time and doesn't see his mum.

He is at College and doing A-levels. He has for the last two years been 'bulking' and eating an insane amount of food. 3 massive meals plus 3 bowls of pasta and chicken and rice - all paid for by me and DH. He also take various protein powder and pre work out powders again all paid for by us. He also drinks a 4 pint bottle of whole milk a day.

He doesn't have a job and goes to college 2.5 days a week.

He is v v v lazy and I am absolutely sick of it.

DH has started a new job this week and got home very late the past three nights. Obviously not DSS fault but DSS is only too quick to accept the fruits of our labour. £220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.

Today I have snapped and lost my shit

His one job is to walk the dogs one day a week on a Wednesday. I get home from work at 3 pm so we said to walk them at about 11 to break the day up etc.

I ended up wfh today and the lazy sod didn't get out of bed until 11. He then fucked around making his various food for a 1.5 hrs and the said he didn't have time to walk the dogs and said they can run around the garden

I am soooo fuming with him
He is indulged and spoilt. I have said I'm not giving him any more lifts and he can do his own washing.

Dh says I'm being a bit mean re the washing. I don't think I am.

I also think the allowance should stop.

He did walk the dogs at 3 but it defeats the object.

I've told DH he can do the washing but then that has caused a row between us.

AIBU?

@Easymeasy

Why are people proud that their children had to work as a 16 year old? They are still children who should be focusing on their education. Not working minimum wage jobs to give you £30 a week.

@Easymeasy It’s to give THEM the £30 pounds per week or whatever it is usually, to fritter it away as they see fit. Not for their parents

Teen jobs are for fun money and I think many have 6-8 hours a week that they can devote to a job so that they can have extra luxuries in life.

I've not noticed a difference in expectations between boys and girls but maybe that's because my son and daughter both worked? The only difference here is that my son worked retail so it involved late nights sometimes and my dd was a barista so work never finished later than 5:30pm.

My two eldest worked from 15/16. They enjoy it, earn their own money, has given them respect of working and the value of money and has made them both determined to study hard/train hard because they couldn't imagine having to do those jobs full time all their lives.

It is also good for their CVs.

I’d stop it all. The allowance, the washing the protein stuff, phone and gum. Let him get a job and realise how much you’ve been giving him.

I’d stop doing your husbands washing as well if I’m honest!

@thebellsesmereldathebells

The eating huge amounts of food and consuming gallons of milk IS normal, for a very active growing teenage boy. Mine is as lean as a whippet, but I think his bloodstream must be 80% Nesquik. He eats perposterously large amounts of food and seems to need it all.

It's not normal. 3 meals a day plus protein shakes (300ish calories each) and three bowls of chicken and rice is ENORMOUS.

I can't see that he's doing anything that wrong.
I can't see anything lazy about his behaviour.
He cooks his own food. He goes to college, he goes to the gym.
What do you want from him??
For a teenager to get up at 11am on a day they don't have college is pretty early.
He just didn't walk the dogs at the exact time you wanted them walked.

It's your DH you need to be annoyed with.
Your DH has no problem paying for his son's food and extra tutoring. He's trying to encourage some good habits.

Your DSS could have an eating disorder and very low self esteem which is why he is struggling to get and keep jobs due to a fear of failure or a reluctance to ask questions on the job if he can't do something. Hopefully he's not using steroids but this is a consideration.
Nobody loses a job on purpose because they are 'lazy'.
Lazy is a very damaging label put on people, it doesn't describe the reality of what's going behind the behaviour.

@RantyAunty

*There’s a vast difference between expecting a teen to work lots of hours in a low paid job and an encouragement that a few hours a week or holiday job is a good addition to their life giving experience that wouldn’t otherwise get.*

I agree. I also notice there is a vast difference in the expectations of boys vs girls.

In what way? Every girl I knew as a teen was expected to have a job (this was 2010-13)

@Felicity42 you have low expectations of your kids.

In what way? Every girl I knew as a teen was expected to have a job (this was 2010-13)

That's what I meant. Girls expected to have jobs, do their fair share around the house, be responsible for their schedule.

£220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.
Ridiculous.

Cut down the allowance. He needs to start doing more in the house. Do his own washing. Hoover once a week, cook once a week, wash pots once a week.

Part of being a parent to adolescents is teaching them independence. I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to get him to start doing more. He'll cope very badly with living alone or with a partner without more life skills.
^ this.

What’s the tutor for?

My DS had a part-time job from 16. He chose to do it. We could afford to fund everything for him but he wants a bit of independence. He doesn’t do many chores during term-time as with his job. FT college with a reasonably long commute and activities a couple of times a week he has enough to do. We do step up chores in the holidays.

Your DSS needs to step up

He's totally taking the piss. It's all very well you saying it isn't about the allowance or the food, it's about the fact he couldn't walk the dog. However, it's all connected. He takes the piss because you treat him like a little Prince who's too special to have a job, even though he's lazing around 2.5 days a week, and you pay him a ridiculous allowance for doing fuck all. So it's no wonder he treats you like a pair of mugs.

Firstly... Why the FUCK do you need to wash an 18 year olds clothes? They are 18 years of age. Stop that immediately. It doesn't even need to be about punishment, just the simple fact he's a bloody grown up and can wash his own clothes.

Secondly... £220... No.

He is seriously spoilt. What you're seeing is the attitude of spoilt people, they then feel entitled to it no matter what and like they shouldn't need to do anything for the things they get.

Your husband needs to give himself a wobble. He's creating (or created) a complete brat.

Even if not for his sake, for the sake of any further partner if his PLEASE start teaching this boy some manners, life skills, work ethic etc.. or he'll be another twat we read about on here in years to come who expects their wives to run around after them constantly.

Future partner of his**

@ElectricHelp

Even if not for his sake, for the sake of any further partner if his PLEASE start teaching this boy some manners, life skills, work ethic etc.. or he'll be another twat we read about on here in years to come who expects their wives to run around after them constantly.

It’s not OP’s job to teach him, it’s his dad’s.

Why does he have a private tutor on top of everything else?

You know he didn't pop out of your womb entitled don't you?

You have NOT prepared your son to live in the real world. I don't envy him for his lifestyle.
I pity him. You are preparing him for failure.

It dawned on me that he is your step son. I don't know how old he was when you married his dad.
So you may not have had any say in his entitlement. I apologize if that is the case.

Wake up DAD!

Whoever is giving him money, and lets him eat you out of he house, is to blame really, so he has no incentive to do anything else. You need to make some changes,or you will keep feeling resentful, and be annoyed all the time.

Bloody hell. He's an entitled little sod.
How the hell have you put up with this?
It's mental.
If your DH wants his son to live like a prince he can facilitate it.
He's doing A Levels, not solving the Ukraine War disaster so it's not beyond him to do normal chores and contribute to the running of his own home.
Your DH is setting him up for failure to launch.
All that money for absolutely nothing. What's that teaching his son?
Parents' job by 18 is to be guiding our kids towards responsibility and independence.
You can still give them all the love and support in the world.
And re the bulking malarkey a personal trainer told me when my boys were a lot younger, that he absolutely didn't advocate it for under 21s. V bad for still developing bodies he said. Has DH checked that it's safe? Or is that another facet of his lazy parenting?

It’s not OP’s job to teach him, it’s his dad’s.

It is, but it sounds like OP contributes to this i.e. washing his clothes, partly funding his lifestyle etc etc... She can stop doing that and she should.

Of course you shouldn’t be doing his washing. Both of you are creating a lazy partner for his future partner. ( It might be it’s easier and more energy efficient to wash everyone’s clothes together)

I’m not that fussed about a 17 year old at college not having a job. I assume he’s studying quite a lot. My children are young so I don’t know what I’ll do when the time comes.

So stop indulging him and throwing money at the lazy sod. If he can keep doing bugger all and get everything he wants, what's his incentive to stop?