Piss taking 17 year old DSS

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DSS is 18 in May.he lives with us full time and doesn't see his mum.

He is at College and doing A-levels. He has for the last two years been 'bulking' and eating an insane amount of food. 3 massive meals plus 3 bowls of pasta and chicken and rice - all paid for by me and DH. He also take various protein powder and pre work out powders again all paid for by us. He also drinks a 4 pint bottle of whole milk a day.

He doesn't have a job and goes to college 2.5 days a week.

He is v v v lazy and I am absolutely sick of it.

DH has started a new job this week and got home very late the past three nights. Obviously not DSS fault but DSS is only too quick to accept the fruits of our labour. £220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.

Today I have snapped and lost my shit

His one job is to walk the dogs one day a week on a Wednesday. I get home from work at 3 pm so we said to walk them at about 11 to break the day up etc.

I ended up wfh today and the lazy sod didn't get out of bed until 11. He then fucked around making his various food for a 1.5 hrs and the said he didn't have time to walk the dogs and said they can run around the garden

I am soooo fuming with him
He is indulged and spoilt. I have said I'm not giving him any more lifts and he can do his own washing.

Dh says I'm being a bit mean re the washing. I don't think I am.

I also think the allowance should stop.

He did walk the dogs at 3 but it defeats the object.

I've told DH he can do the washing but then that has caused a row between us.

AIBU?

DS1 is 17 and also doing A levels. He gets £30 a month plus his phone paid for (£20). He has a job which he loves but it’s seasonal and shuts from Christmas to Easter so we give him more for those 4 months. The job actually pays really well and is great hours so it makes sense to stay. We have bought him a car for his birthday but he is paying for his driving lessons himself with his savings.
He is at 6th form every day and doing a huge amount of work in addition to that too, so doesn’t tend to stay in bed until 11am. I have to be honest, I don’t make him do chores at home apart from sorting his room out. I’d rather he concentrated on his studies rather than cleaning the kitchen but appreciate I’m in the minority. In between 6th form, studying, football, work, driving lessons and seeing his girlfriend there isn’t a massive amount of time.

£220 allowance plus phone and gym paid?!!

He needs a job asap!

I think your update is pretty much what to say to DH then speak to DS. Firm agreement that he gets a job by x date after exams. Allowance cut at 18 to give incentive to work summer and no doubt allowance equivalent will be spent on Uni prep stuff by your DH anyway.
I do have sympathy for his age group but there’s being supportive and him taking the piss.
All those saying I worked x hours when I did my A levels presumably had sat gcses, your DSS won’t have - the stress of sitting your first real exams since sats age 11 as A levels must be immense plus he’ll have had huge swathes of his schooling disrupted by covid and is playing catch up - you don’t pay a £70 a week tutor for no reason.
My DD is 2 years younger but I know from the school emails and what she says to me about friends is that mental health issues are rife in teens often manifesting in disordered eating etc. His gym/bulking is preferable to cannabis etc.

When I was 17 I lived at home but had no allowance and worked part time around attending full time education. I paid my own car insurance, petrol, for my clothes and all social stuff with what I earth working part time in Waitrose.

He needs to get a grip and your DH needs to make that happen.

It is clear from this thread,and all similar threads , that people's expectations for teenagers vary widely
From the extremes of not lifting a cup and getting an allowance until they are 30 to fully supporting themselves from age 14
The difficulty is this is your step son
You are obviously entitled to your opinion but that's between you and your DH
So for example the washing
You don't want to do it your DH thinks it should be done
So tell your DH you are not doing it ,then if DH doesn't want son to do it he can do it himself
The £ thing needs discussion if you have joint finances but generally teens cost money and it doesn't really matter if it's done by allowance or things you pay for
I don't know if you have your own children because I know that people often have strong views on how children should be brought up which go out the window when they have their own

Seems like your big error was to respond to his sacking in the way you did. Saying "there there, never mind, we'll pay you for doing nothing instead" pretty much gave him the green light to continue not doing the basics at home either. He was effectively rewarded for being a bad worker, so why would he did the simplest of tasks for you?
And did you and DH honestly think he'd spend three hours that he would have been working, on studying?

The hours, not three hours.

He is not going to start doing his laundry on his 18th birthday. Now is the time to start. The money situation is absolutely ludicrous.

Why are people proud that their children had to work as a 16 year old? They are still children who should be focusing on their education. Not working minimum wage jobs to give you £30 a week.

I have a 17 yo DS who's a gymnast and trains (hard!) for over 5 hours per day. He eats a similar amount to your son. Mine doesn't have supplements or powders though as he's doing it all 'naturally'. We don't pay for a gym membership as he trains at home, in the park or scheduled sessions at the gymnasium.

We stopped his meagre allowance when he turned 16 and was eligible for a pt job. He wasn't thrilled(!) but worked as a kitchen porter for a bit before taking a coaching qualification (which we paid for) and is now a qualified pt coach outside his sixth form hours.

We pay for his phone, haircuts, study materials, food, school travel etc but outings, clothes etc are down to him! He hasn't got set chores but he's NEVER refused to pitch in when asked. If he did I'd lose the plot, in all honesty as I think we're very supportive.

Your DH needs a reality check for his son re what's appropriate to help him stand on his own two feet in the adult world.

I’m assuming your DH has massive guilt that his DS didn’t see his Mother. You haven’t said the circumstances of his childhood.

It’s your DH you need to tackle and go from there.

Stop giving him an allowance and stop enabling his laziness, it will not do him any good in the real world. He needs to get a bloody job and earn money for himself.

There’s a vast difference between expecting a teen to work lots of hours in a low paid job and an encouragement that a few hours a week or holiday job is a good addition to their life giving experience that wouldn’t otherwise get. Good for cv and interview examples. A few hours a week in a gym for a gym loving lad sounds like an ideal pt job which he blew. I’d have been cross about that.

[quote Chocolattay]@ivykaty44

I once managed a 19 year old who didn’t know that you had to sweep the floor before mopping.[/quote]
wow! you do?

There’s a vast difference between expecting a teen to work lots of hours in a low paid job and an encouragement that a few hours a week or holiday job is a good addition to their life giving experience that wouldn’t otherwise get. Good for cv and interview examples. A few hours a week in a gym for a gym loving lad sounds like an ideal pt job which he blew. I’d have been cross about that.

100% agree with this. My daughter walked into a bar job in her uni town because she had started at 16 waitressing in a pub for a few hours a week, and then progressed to bar work when she was 18. It doesn't do teens any harm to start earning a bit of their own pocket money as soon as they're eligible to work. We're hardly sending them out to sweep chimneys.

Whether the ds is working or not is of no relevance really.

I have two dcs, one 18yo, one 17yo and neither of them have a job.
However, it has never stopped them from participating to the household and would have walked the did if asked.

The reason why the ds has lost his job is because he had the same attitude at the gym than at home. Don’t want to do it? I’m not going to do it.
That sort of attitude starts at home and that’s where I would start. No point sending him to work. He’ll loose his job within weeks again with that attitude.

YANBU for feeling frustrating, but right now you and DH are enabling this behaviour and DSS has no incentive to change (how many 17yos would turn down free board with low to no expectations on helping out with chores, £220 monthly allowance + gym membership paid for, special diet linked to hobby paid for, tutor paid for, etc).

As others have suggested, perhaps upcoming end of A Levels should signal a discussion about personal and financial responsibilities moving forward. Apologies if you have covered this, but is DSS planning to go to uni/get a full time job?

Sounds as thought you've spoilt and enabled him and now you're unhappy with the result. Nothing will change unless you change your ways also.

I don't get the whole 'he can do his own washing' thing.

Just say to him - 'I'm going out, can you strip your bed and put two loads of (family) dark washing on today and hang it out please'.

@namechangeagaintwice
Eating bowls of pasta and chicken and rice on top of three square meals a day is not normal eating OP. It’s certainly not healthy, it’s gluttonous.

No one needs to eat that amount of food . Ignore those posters on here that tell you it is normal they last lost of concept of what is normal in re to food and are probably minted cos how else could people afford to buy and consume such an unnecessary surplus of food.

If he wants to continue eating so much he can find it himself. The lazy shit. I can pretty much guarantee that his eating will become much more normal though if he has to find it himself

And I’d be so embarrassed to have my step mother washing my underwear at the age of 18! Where is his self respect??

Part of being a parent to adolescents is teaching them independence. I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to get him to start doing more. He'll cope very badly with living alone or with a partner without more life skills.

My ds worked at that age, it was positive for him, built confidence, gave him skills and money to buy the extras and save for a car. It did not impact his studies at all. Now at uni he still works and he enjoys it. I do think your dss should be doing his own washing and walking the dog and these are reasonable requests in a busy household. I also think his allowance is big but if you can afford it then that’s fine. Regarding food I would say that it is not normal to eat that much and it would annoy me, ds is very into fitness but never eats that amount.

"I agree you shouldn't be washing his clothes for him. I'd also draw the line at the gym membership and phone. He can get himself a part time job for these things. Meet him in the middle, agree to continue to pay for food etc, but if he wants anything over and above, such as protein powder, gym, phone he pays for it himself."

^^this.

There’s a vast difference between expecting a teen to work lots of hours in a low paid job and an encouragement that a few hours a week or holiday job is a good addition to their life giving experience that wouldn’t otherwise get.

I agree. I also notice there is a vast difference in the expectations of boys vs girls.