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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Piss taking 17 year old DSS

176 replies

Blankscreen · 16/03/2022 19:25

DSS is 18 in May.he lives with us full time and doesn't see his mum.

He is at College and doing A-levels. He has for the last two years been 'bulking' and eating an insane amount of food. 3 massive meals plus 3 bowls of pasta and chicken and rice - all paid for by me and DH. He also take various protein powder and pre work out powders again all paid for by us. He also drinks a 4 pint bottle of whole milk a day.

He doesn't have a job and goes to college 2.5 days a week.

He is v v v lazy and I am absolutely sick of it.

DH has started a new job this week and got home very late the past three nights. Obviously not DSS fault but DSS is only too quick to accept the fruits of our labour. £220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.

Today I have snapped and lost my shit

His one job is to walk the dogs one day a week on a Wednesday. I get home from work at 3 pm so we said to walk them at about 11 to break the day up etc.

I ended up wfh today and the lazy sod didn't get out of bed until 11. He then fucked around making his various food for a 1.5 hrs and the said he didn't have time to walk the dogs and said they can run around the garden

I am soooo fuming with him
He is indulged and spoilt. I have said I'm not giving him any more lifts and he can do his own washing.

Dh says I'm being a bit mean re the washing. I don't think I am.

I also think the allowance should stop.

He did walk the dogs at 3 but it defeats the object.

I've told DH he can do the washing but then that has caused a row between us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 17/03/2022 01:42

He should be pulling his weight but the food stuff...he's still a kid. He's not an adult like an earlier poster said. He's technically a minor and still in education. The allowance is very generous but other than that it's his home. He lives there full time and as he's under 18 its his dad's responsibility to provide.

Bromse · 17/03/2022 01:54

I think he is fortunate to have a decent allowance but if it can be afforded, there is nothing wrong with it. At 17 he needs more than he did at 12. I gave mine a good allowance every month from 14 until 19th birthday and he appreciated it.

What really worries me about this boy is his 'bulking' up, protein drinks and what have you. Whilst I accept they have huge appetites at that age, what the op described is way above the norm.

jytdtysrht · 17/03/2022 02:07

On the face of it, he does look lazy. Is there more to it?

Where is his mum and why does he not see her. Has he become lost in life without the nurturing he should have received from her?

Bogeyes · 17/03/2022 02:09

Things won't improve if you leave things as they are.

MardyOldGoth · 17/03/2022 02:35

Can you adopt me please? For free food, board, laundry service, phone, and £220 a month pocket money I'll take the dogs on as many walks as you like!

Momijin · 17/03/2022 02:48

Eating is fine, but not getting a job and not pulling his weight at home isn't fine. He can earn some of the money from you by doing chores/walking the dog. Jeez

wtfwasthatmate · 17/03/2022 03:14

@Willyoujustbequiet

He should be pulling his weight but the food stuff...he's still a kid. He's not an adult like an earlier poster said. He's technically a minor and still in education. The allowance is very generous but other than that it's his home. He lives there full time and as he's under 18 its his dad's responsibility to provide.
Exactly.

I've seen other threads where people say they prefer their kids to focus on education and give them an allowance.

You've painted him in a very bad light. He's a 17 year old studying, having extra tutoring, going to the gym and sleeping in. That's pretty normal. You can't be angry about food and sleep ins.

Yes he should do his own washing. He walked the dog even if it wasn't when you told him to.

It really sounds like you resent him.

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2022 04:08

I work with a few 17 year olds that have a home life where parents do everything for them.

It shows, they come to work and don’t want to actually pick up after other people and need constant babysitting. They don’t think for themselves.

Then there are the others that just get on think about what needs doing and work

The former often watch the later in awe, then either emulate them or still jyst don’t get it

Has your dsswgot a mate who is getting on with life that can have a chat with him?

Chocolattay · 17/03/2022 04:45

@ivykaty44

I once managed a 19 year old who didn’t know that you had to sweep the floor before mopping.

cstx89 · 17/03/2022 04:58

Wtf....18?!
I was working part time and at school. No allowance from parents and had to help around the house.

Your DSS needs a reality check and fast!

autienotnaughty · 17/03/2022 05:07

Wow I want to live with you! My dd got £100 a month at 18. She was responsible for her own bedroom/washing/ironing etc. she emptied dishwasher once a week and was responsible for changing all the bedding in the house. Apparently I was awful tho 😂

HoppingPavlova · 17/03/2022 05:15

YANBU in that he must do tasks to assist the household - walking the dog as required, his own washing and getting himself places as practical.

YABU re the food as boys this age consume their body weight several times over, completely normal. Each of my young men would be the same, all super slim, not ‘bulking up’ but they drink their body weight in milk each day I’m sure and while they eat normal meals, they stack it in inbetween. Given they don’t seem to put on as much as a gram from this enormous amount of food, I believe their body needs it.

However, the protein powder is completely unreasonable, he doesn’t need that and can finance it himself if he wants it as that’s over and above the base requirement of a shitload of food.

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2022 05:58

Chocolattay

Nothing would surprise me

Some parents make life hard for their teens by not allowing them to flounder, fail and learn stuff for themselves

sofakingcool · 17/03/2022 06:53

@Dixiechickonhols

Job at a gym or one with free food while on shift would be a good steer!
I was just coming along to say this!
nutellingyou · 17/03/2022 07:15

Why are you giving him £220 a month allowance???
What's it for? If it's Child support that's not fun money for him, it's to provide a home and things he needs. Not all 18 year olds have jobs, especially while doing A levels but he doesn't need to get one if he's got that kind of money anyway.
He'd do well to save it for UNi if he's going.

The food thing is linked to gym is imagine and bulking his muscles. Under 18s usually get a cheaper gym rate though, £70 seems a lot?

TheEarthIsNotFlat · 17/03/2022 07:23

I’d initially carry on with the allowance. This would be with the proviso that he has to pay for the gym out of it. If the DDs are in your name then adjust the £220 accordingly so he’s ‘paying’. Eg- if phone is £30 on top of £70 gym he will get £120 a month and that’s it. He also needs to do more chores. I’d say that he needs to get a part time job within three months too.

Easymeasy · 17/03/2022 07:23

He is 17. There's nothing wrong with his allowance. Why do some people want their children to suffer - go go college or uni and work 30 hours a week? Just because they had to.
He should be helping you out around the house. Get some boundaries and expectations as to how he contributes (non financially).

TheEarthIsNotFlat · 17/03/2022 07:23

Gym and phone

Original poster
Blankscreen · 17/03/2022 07:23

DSS had a job at the gym (for 2 weeks) but got fired for not doing basic tasks he was meant to do. We said to him concentrate on your studies and get a job afterwards

I don't resent him and I don't resent the food he eats. I was just setting out what we do for him and in return he can't do something very simple like walk the dogs one day a week at a sensible time/when asked.

DH and I share our finances so it's not really me paying for DSS it just all come out of the pot. (DH takes home x3 what I do so it's defo not me).

I feel like he is taking the piss.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 17/03/2022 07:26

Fuck that noise! He can get a part time job and contribute to his ridiculous food bill, walk the dogs AND do his own stinky washing.
(Why are you doing that?)

2catsandhappy · 17/03/2022 07:31

If I can quote Judge Judy, you own the air he breathes.
First have the tough conversation with your dh to agree rules going forward ie , you withdraw labour for ungrateful people and from 18 he pays for his phone and gym.

Then have the conversation with dss, together with your dh so dh cannot throw you under the bus.

2DogsOnMySofa · 17/03/2022 07:36

Yes he's taking the piss. I agree you shouldn't be washing his clothes for him. I'd also draw the line at the gym membership and phone. He can get himself a part time job for these things. Meet him in the middle, agree to continue to pay for food etc, but if he wants anything over and above, such as protein powder, gym, phone he pays for it himself. Give him 4 weeks to get a job and tell him form x date you stop paying these items

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 17/03/2022 07:38

Make him get a job and stop the allowance straight away. Total piss take. This would make my blood boil.

ThePoetsWife · 17/03/2022 07:47

My DC have always worked since they were 16, right through full time 6th form and uni.

fishonabicycle · 17/03/2022 07:47

It's all very well paying for all this stuff if the recipient is grateful and behaves well. As soon as they don't, it just doesn't make sense. You are rewarding his lazy behaviour. I don't know why your DH feels it is necessary to give him so much - it sounds like a job would do him the world of good.