Piss taking 17 year old DSS

[Blankscreen]

DSS is 18 in May.he lives with us full time and doesn't see his mum.

He is at College and doing A-levels. He has for the last two years been 'bulking' and eating an insane amount of food. 3 massive meals plus 3 bowls of pasta and chicken and rice - all paid for by me and DH. He also take various protein powder and pre work out powders again all paid for by us. He also drinks a 4 pint bottle of whole milk a day.

He doesn't have a job and goes to college 2.5 days a week.

He is v v v lazy and I am absolutely sick of it.

DH has started a new job this week and got home very late the past three nights. Obviously not DSS fault but DSS is only too quick to accept the fruits of our labour. £220 a month allowance plus phone and gym membership paid for and £70 a week for a tutor for him.

Today I have snapped and lost my shit

His one job is to walk the dogs one day a week on a Wednesday. I get home from work at 3 pm so we said to walk them at about 11 to break the day up etc.

I ended up wfh today and the lazy sod didn't get out of bed until 11. He then fucked around making his various food for a 1.5 hrs and the said he didn't have time to walk the dogs and said they can run around the garden

I am soooo fuming with him
He is indulged and spoilt. I have said I'm not giving him any more lifts and he can do his own washing.

Dh says I'm being a bit mean re the washing. I don't think I am.

I also think the allowance should stop.

He did walk the dogs at 3 but it defeats the object.

I've told DH he can do the washing but then that has caused a row between us.

AIBU?

That's an exceedingly generous allowance
😱! 2 out of my 3 children always had Saturday jobs to supplement their allowance. The third one was a seriously academic girl who concentrated on schoolwork so didn't have a job outside school. Our son could eat a mountain of food at every meal and sandwiches in between and was always as thin as a rake - normal for boys. But I wouldn't have been happy about supplements. Not necessary and expensive. And sleeping in until dragged out of bed? Normal. Teen brains still developing. Doesn't mean to say that you shouldn't expect him to get up in time to walk the dog! Perhaps he'd be more inclined to do it if you expected him to pay for a dog walker out of his own money...

The amount of money you are giving him every month is crazy!
No wonder he can just sit on his arse, eating loads of food and generally taking the absolute piss. He’s got it made.
I would be putting a stop to the massive allowance for starters.

If it were me I’d be talking to DH first and having a very frank conversation - which goes both ways so would be prepared to hear difficult things too.

Hopefully, we’d be able to discuss what’s upsetting, why and possible solutions which we’d thrash out until we came up with a compromise we’re both happy with.

Then we’d speak to DSS together and hear what he has to say. Further compromise may still happen and we’d explain that we’re open to all discussion but there will have to be changes and it’s better to collaborate as it’s more likely to succeed.

It’s a tough one, no doubt.

I clicked YABU because it’s not his fault he’s not been taught the value of money. His £220 + all the rest is ludicrous. Poor lad has no idea the cost of the meals he’s bulking on let alone all the rest of the cost of living

Blimey I hope my 18 year old doesn't see this

@thebellsesmereldathebells

The eating huge amounts of food and consuming gallons of milk IS normal, for a very active growing teenage boy. Mine is as lean as a whippet, but I think his bloodstream must be 80% Nesquik. He eats perposterously large amounts of food and seems to need it all.

Of course it’s not bloody normal. I had 3 teenage boys and none of them ate that much. Just pure greed.

If it was my ds, I would not have an issue with paying for the food.
I’d have an issue with £200 a month spare money, just because we don’t have £200 spare!
I’d pay for the gym too, and the tutor

BUT I’m expecting him to be a full member if the family and that means if he is responsible of something (like waking the dog) then I’m expecting to do it.
It’s not linked to the food he is eating, how I’m supporting him etc..I would not expect a 17yo to be independent financially or even to actually to participate financially because they are still AT SCHOOL.
It’s simply linked to the fact that we are a family and everyone should pull their weight/do something so that things are running smoothly.

So by any mean, have a go because he is not holding his side of the bargain (participating to family life).
But don’t punish him like a child by withdrawing ‘privileges’ such as food….

My 13 yo does her own washing. Your DSS could definitely manage that. Also, if he's only at college 2.5 days a week he should take on a part-time job.

You and dh could help with some of his expenses whilst he's studying e.g transport but he should be aiming for some sort of independence.

Of course it’s not bloody normal. I had 3 teenage boys and none of them ate that much. Just pure greed.

I doubt it’s greed. More likely that this teen is trying to bulk up muscles by going to the gym often AND having very high amount of protein.
If I was worried about something, it would be more about what else he might be taking (steroids) to speed up the process.
People I know who have gone that route are eating like this - huge amount of eggs, milk, and meals in general.

@Magnificentbeast

My 13 yo does her own washing. Your DSS could definitely manage that. Also, if he's only at college 2.5 days a week he should take on a part-time job.

You and dh could help with some of his expenses whilst he's studying e.g transport but he should be aiming for some sort of independence.

Or maybe he should concentrate in his studies and use that time to learn for his A level?

I mean he is nearly 18yo, that means he is going to sit his A levels in a couple of months. Is it really the best time to tell him to get a part time job??

Your h is the problem here.

As a stepmother, I'd expect to possibly contribute an amount towards food that was the equivalent to a normal adult but would not be paying towards all the other crap.

All of the perks are why he doesn't do chores. Why would he when he's got it so easy? My kids had a part-time job to boost their allowance and that's normal in their circle of friends at comp. They did 8 hours a week term time and more during half-term and holidays.

Why is your h against him doing his washing? That's an easy task that he should be doing anyway. (Mine were responsible for their own laundry from year 12 in preparation for uni)

He needs a job, absolute lazy arse

Allowance . He's nearly an adult and he's still getting pocket money so get rid of that. I'd provide basic food if he's not paying board. Any extra protein bulking stuff, he wants it, he pays for it. He won't walk the dogs? Let him do his own washing and ironing. Why would he bother doing anything when he's been so indulged?

@Blankscreen

Ok. Thanks everyone.

I feel justified. To answer a couple of questions.

DH was wfh but his new job means that he is working long hours and not around to help with kids and dogs.

We've got a dog walker for Monday's buts she can't do Wednesdays hence asking DSS to do it.

I didn't realise that effectively eating 6 meals and drinking 4 pints of milk a day was normal.

It's hard to comment on the food amounts as well e don't know how massive "massive" is.

My sons didn't have enough time in the day to sit down and eat so many meals. Is he constantly sat in the kitchen cooking or eating? I hope he tidies up after himself.

He’s being spoilt and pampered and for some young adults this merely gives them no motivation to do anything for themselves.

Your DH needs to sort out this situation as he is not doing anyone any favours by letting his DS be so entitled.

Gosh that’s an awful lot of money, food and extras.

I don’t understand why he’s getting so much money then not even being expected to spend it on specific items like the powders and the gym.

Giving that much money is not helpful at all for future employment or university as his expectations and standards of living are unrealistically high.

I don’t remember males eating like that as a teen! Even if the food is ‘normal’, the milk most certainly isn’t. How is that arriving in your home? Are you physically shopping for it? That amount of milk, he should be buying himself.

As for his washing, YANBU.

No one needs to eat that much. No one needs to ‘bulk’ at someone else’s expense either. That’s a hobby. What does he even look like?

Yeah he’s getting it ridiculously easy. If he’s 18 in May, you can use this as a reason to change things and start preparing him now for things to change once he becomes an adult. I would tell him that once he’s 18 he needs a job. He will not be getting an allowance (or at least dramatically reduce it or where is the incentive for a job.) maybe keep paying his phone but not his gym. And definitely stop doing his washing at 18.

@ClaudiusTheGod bulking is a genuine thing, often for bodybuilding so not the sort of ‘feeder’ weird ‘kink’ thing

Yours and your husband's job is to make him independent by the time he is 18. You are both failing in this. What you have is an overgrown child. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how you are failing his son. Then have a conversation with said son and work out a strategy to rectify the situation. Review monthly.

Complaining about having to pay for his food since he was 15 is a bit odd! You are supposed to feed them😂.

But he needs to grow up - and learn some life skills. He should be washing his own clothes - and why would that fall to you and not your husband. It’s not 1953!

Tell him to grow up, do his own washing and walk the bloody dogs.

Teenagers suck!

@Ilikewinter

Im going to quote the classic MN line " you don't have a DSS problem you have a DH problem ' !!

I disagree. If he’s living with them full time it’s equally OP’s problem because it’s impacting on her.

OP you’re certainly within your rights to bollock him. Unfortunately whilst you both continue giving him a little wage and babying him by ferrying him around and doing his washing, he has no incentive whatsoever to start behaving like an adult. You need to stop enabling his crappy, entitled, piss taking behaviour. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t be doing a part time job and giving you 10% of his earnings as board.

£220 allowance plus gym and phone. No wonder he treats you like a couple of mugs lol!

@Blueeyedgirl21

He needs a job, absolute lazy arse

They’ve encouraged that behaviour!